Friday, 3 February 2012

Brain Shits - Vol.1

Sometimes I think that I over think things, and this is much to my own detriment when I'm writing.  I find that I'll start with a joke that I'll write down, then I'll analyse it and think "will people get that?"  Then I'll try and elaborate around it so that people understand where I'm coming from, try a couple of different combinations, experiment with a synonym or two, and totally reword it.  Then I'll read it back and find a garbled mess where my joke should be.

That's why I decided to detox a little bit.  Basically, I decided to just write and see what came out.  Aside from the odd spelling correction and the addition of a couple of relevant images, this is an uneditted stream of consciousness I wrote in a short amount of time.  I promised to upload it regardless of the outcome, so here it is:

Today I went to the sperm bank to try and make a withdrawal. I’ve been depositing there for many years, so much so that I’ve been told that my account is literally overflowing. As a long serving customer I expected a much better level of service. I did not expect to be told that I couldn’t take back my sperm, and was asked a number of probing questions like “what do you need it for?”

It’s a disgrace. I’ve never been asked that question at the regular bank, even for mortgages and loans. My branch is down a dark alley and the manager is Tony “The Shark” Tickett. Some people think he is an unscrupulous character, but I see his breaking of knee caps as a measure of his drive and determination. That’s the kind of guy I want to trust with my money, someone who gets the job done. I once saw him beat a guy until he was a pile of mush with shards of crunchy bone in it, like a peppercorn poo. But hey, that’s what happens when you don’t keep track of your finances.

Backstreet bankers are just getting younger these days

I had a friend whose finances ran away with him. Oh wait, no, he ran away with someone’s fiancé. That explains the problems he had when they went on honeymoon to the Cayman Islands and he tried to deposit her into his secret, offshore, illegal bank account that I’m not supposed to tell anyone about. He tried that with his last wife too. He’s wanted by Scotland Yard for trying to embezzle women. If he ever approaches you and offers to take your wife/girlfriend/mother/brother turned sister on a relaxing spa break offshore, my advice would be to decline. I’ve lost too many girlfriends that way.

So what is a tax haven? By definition, surely it’s like heaven for tax, meaning that there’s going to be a lot of tax involved. Or is it like a relaxing spa resort for investment bankers? Perhaps it’s a cruise ship for bureaucrats. We’ll never know unless we kill someone in the financial sector, then bring them back round at the last minute. For science!

The science community tend to frown upon my methodology. They prefer to do “tests”, whereas I like to just jump straight in and find out, like a grassroots scientist. My biology teacher failed me when I tried to find out what his brains taste like. I only wanted to find out why zombies find them so appealing, and if there’s anything we can do to the flavour to put them off. I only wanted to (brain)stem their appetites! Har har!

We can do a lot with genetics these days, so my proposal would be make a person’s brain taste like a tramps trousers. Perhaps thinking alters the flavour of your brain, so it tastes like the thing you think of most. If so, mine would taste of honey. Albeit, honey smothered on naked women, but honey all the same!

Sweet dreams are made of this

But then, what happens if you think about abstract concepts? I spent a whole afternoon thinking about time once. Did my brain taste like time?

That’s impossible. The human tongue is unable to taste time, that’s why I’m not enjoying a fictional medieval banquet right now. If we could, history books would become playgrounds of taste as we explore plague victims with our mouths. Dysentery in the 100 years war would be alive and well on your tastebuds. Religious sacrifice would dance on your tongue like a fiery pixie. I think further research needs to be done in this field. I’ve always wanted to know why fried dodo would be like.

I’m sure people will think that a real time machine would be easier to develop. Quitters!


  1. Brilliant rhetoric. I can see the underlying message about how corporate greed and media fat cats run the world turning us all into curious zombies...? Either that, or it's fun to lick things. In fact, I'm licking my computer screen and I don't know why.

    P.S. How do you display other people's blog updates on your blog (aka the thing you did under 'Sexy People'? I was trying to figure it out, but I failed miserably.

  2. I taste things that I touch. Is it because I'm thinking about them?

    Great blog, You have gained a follower.

  3. First, I would like to say that you can't taste time, BUT you can taste Thyme. I don't think either one is very appetizing, especially since the only way I can think of to taste time is by licking your watch or cell phone.

    Second, making brains taste like tramp's trousers? I like the concept, but think of the research that would have to be done to create that flavor. Plus, zombies seem to not be finicky eaters. Perhaps they will like tramp's trousers, much like I assume I don't like the taste of poop or kitty vomit, yet my dogs consider them to be quite tasty.

    Finally, if your sperm account is overflowing at the Sperm bank, may I suggest you beef up your resume'with things like zombie scientist and charitable sperm donor -just a thought.

  4. I would dare elucidate (booyah!) that fried brain on Olive Oil and Garlic sprinkled with slivers of fresh Basil leaves will still taste magnificent, however slightly used or overused they are. It's all a matter of fusion. Or confusion, whichever is more applicable.
    But then again you are a thoroughbred, a natural at funny thoughts and writing it down. It would be damned if you had to waste your time editing it and revising.
    And that brings me to my point, because when I started commenting I didn't really have any. I reckon like in all types of Banks, INCLUDING the Sperm Bank, withdrawals are based on your credit standing and credit risks. In your case, in the absence of a fully fertile ovary, your risk ratio would be zero. You are completely out of the map of their target investors. I wished you asked me first as I used to work in a Bank, the Sperm Bank operates no differently than the usual Wall Street dudes. They squeeze your eggs till you run dry but they will never allow you any dividends or equities as payback.

  5. What part of the tramp's trousers are we talking about? Because if it's the crotch, then I've got an ex-boyfriend whose crotch tasted so awful, that zombies would surely...hold on...wait a minute...yep, I've said to much as usual...

  6. 'Perhaps thinking alters the flavour of your brain'


    Like your blog title. Stood out in the endless list of A-Z bloggers. Well done.

  7. Why do you want to make a withdrawal? Are you hungry? Though I here it's very nutritious and there are many wonderful recipes on the web isn't this a little auto-cannibalistic?

  8. Why are you eating so much peppercorn? It's not healthy to have that much in your poop.

  9. I liked seeing how all the thought threads connected. It was kind of like a series of vignettes with a connective thread, kind of like Mr. Show or Upright Citizens Brigade sketch shows. But seriously, what got you thinking about making a sperm bank withdrawal in the first place?

  10. Wow, thanks for all the great comments. I'll try and respond to you all.

    @Chiz - There's a gadget called "Blog List", which does just that. Go to customise your layout and Add Gadget. It's on the most popular page.

    @Bumferry - You won't quit, will you? I'm relying on your for that time machine.

    @Shockgrubz - No, that's probably because you're not a fussy eater. Thanks!

    @Shay - Good point. Would oregano be the antonym of time (or thyme)?

    @Psycho - Next time I go to make a deposit, you're coming with me!

    @Lily - I don't a zombie would bite there, unless his brains were in his...never mind.

    @Suze - Thanks!

    @Greg - No reason at all! I just wanted to see how much I'd saved. Is that so wrong?

    @DWei - It's perfectly normal thank you. I'll send you some pictures to prove it.

    Pickleope - I don't really know. I think I was thinking about banks to start with. I probably fancied some more money.

  11. Comedy is all about the timing. Hesitate and you're screwed. I read this like it was a stand-up routine and it flowed perfectly. Improv is an art form and it takes talent to pull it off properly (intentional pun on the sperm bank bit). That last bit was a nice bit of writing as well. Tasting time, there is a poem in there somewhere... Thanks for putting me on your blogroll. I'll return the compliment and put you on mine.

    1. Thanks Anne, very kind words indeed. The problem is, I don't think I'd be able to stand in front of people and articulate like that. When you write it down, you actually get a few seconds thinking time as you're typing, which is perfect for me.

  12. Overediting can be a debilitating disease. Although I don't think you suffer from it. Your posts are usually creative but not overworked. I enjoyed all the random craziness in this one.

    1. Thank you. It is rather liberating to just write in this manner, so much so that I think I'll be doing a Volume 2 at some point in the future (hence why I called this one Volume 1, being the visionary that I am).


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