Monday 10 September 2012

My Return

Yes, it's true.  As the prophets foretold and the cherubs did celebrate with an ovation of trumpets, I have arrived back in England and I am once again able to Blog and comment freely.

For those who are not aware, myself and Mrs Addman have been on holiday to Florida.  Although I've been before, it was Mrs Addman's first visit, and it was an absolute delight to see her experience it for the first time.  Admittedly, a lot had changed since the last time I was there, so there were many rides and attractions that I got to experience for the first time too.  All in all, a great time was had by all.

When you're a Brit in America, you tend to stand out like a sore thumb.  People overhear you talking and automatically identify you as a Brit without hesitation.  Being the friendly, approachable people that we are, some amiable Americans came over to us to ask about Britain.  Their questions fell into two main categories:

1:  Did you go to London for the Olympics?
2:  Did you go to London for the Jubilee?

When we answered "No" to both of these questions, many people looked at us dejectedly.  They seemed especially disappointed when I referred to the Queen as an "unelected archaic parasite", but that's an argument for another time.  Admittedly, it was nice not to be asked the usual question I get when I've visited the US in the past:

"Do you know the Queen?"

Why yes, I pop round every Sunday afternoon for tea and scones.  Then we commence our ritualistic beating of the Corgis with a rolled up copy of the Financial Times.

Anyway, I'm afraid to say that when we weren't in the parks, or stuffing our faces in one of the many all you can eat buffets that Kissimmee provides, I found myself drawn to American TV.  In particular, I found myself compelled by a show called Dog The Bounty Hunter.

The criminals are on the ru-un


A show like this just wouldn't exist in Britain, which is probably why I found myself glued to it.  In it, a man who calls himself "Dog" (who resembles a cross between Hulk Hogan and a tribal chieftain) gathers his family together to hunt down fugitives.  They sit down and discuss the criminal's rap sheet, then they jump into their cars and try and capture them.  Baring in mind that the criminals are usually drug dealers, the tension mounts as they surround the subject's house and start pressing their neighbours and family for information.  One particular episode I watched included a drug baron who rigged his house with traps such as tear gas sprays, which got one of Dog's sons straight in the face.

One member of the crew who stands out is Dog's wife Beth.  I couldn't comprehend whether she was glamorous or rather fat.  I had to coin the word "Flamorous" just to describe her.  She usually wears short skirts, nail extensions that the Egyptians would have used for scraping out brains, and bore tits that stuck out like frozen tumours.  Regardless of her appearance, she proved herself a reliable member of the team.  Her and Dog's heart-to-heart talks with the captured criminals gave the show a rather endearing ending, even when all that praying got on my nerves.

When the tropical storm let up (it only lasted like half a day in all honesty) and we could go outside, the holiday began in earnest.  We did all the Disney parks, Universal and Sea World.  Highlights include the dolphin swim at Discovery Cove (and before Pickleope asks, I was not raped by a porpoise.  I didn't accept any strange pills from any dolphins, and always had someone watching my drink), and also listening to Insane In The Brain on the Rip Ride Rockit, a roller coaster which lets you choose your own music.

Anyway, I'd just like to say that all the Americans we encountered were polite, friendly, and most importantly, happy.  You'd have to travel a thousand miles to find a happy person round here, which was a rather refreshing change.  I would also like to thank you guys for introducing me to Philly Cheesesteak and BBQ Pulled Pork.  I thank you from the bottom of my arteries.

I don't like Harry Potter, but I do like Butterbeer.

24 comments:

  1. I can't believe you didn't get raped, or accept any weird pills. You missed out on the full experience. But Dog The Bounty Hunter is a better show than I would like to admit. It's badass you're back in Britland where you belong. I've thankfully never been asked any of those questions by my American friends, and can fake a southern accent, so hopefully never will. I'm going to try and blend in should I ever find myself in 'Murrica.

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    1. Thanks bud. I think I'll save the rape for my next visit as it'll give me something to go back for. You don't want to peak too quickly do you?

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  2. If you're from New Zealand or Australia, you're also refered to as a Brit. I don't make the rules.

    I don't think anyone can be in a sour mood while in Florida. I'm around Boston which is described as the American equivalent of London (appearance-wise). No one is ever happy up here.

    Also, thank you for not judging our culture based on shows such as Jersey Shore, House Wives of [Insert Location], or Toddlers in Tiaras.

    I'm glad you had fun and it's good to have you back. Or away because you live in England... I don't know. Don't take that the wrong way.

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    1. Hmm then perhaps it's the sunshine that makes people happy. Happy and beautiful.

      I won't judge your culture on those things as long as you don't judge our culture on x factor, coldplay, and Jedward. You haven't been exposed to Jedward yet, have you?

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    2. Surprising, I think I am aware of Jedward. For people's birthdays, I troll the deepest, darkest corners of YouTube to post a ridiculous video on their Facebook page. One of the more recent videos I came across was of these two very naked and very flamboyant guys wearing angel wings. They refered to themselves as Jedward. Probably my best find yet.

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    3. Dear God. May I say how sorry I am, and may I also point out that they're technically Irish.

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  3. Welcome back.... Did you try the chocolate coated bacon, a truly classic American delight.... And remember a happy blog is a boring blog, we don't what any of that happy over here....

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    1. No chocolate bacon, but I wanted to try a bacon milkshake. Plus, we had fried chicken for breakfast one day. It was actually on a breakfast buffet!

      Noted on the happy blog thing. It won't happen again, sir.

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  4. I'm glad you had fun in the States and everyone was polite to you while you were here. I am originally from New York and people up there are usually nice too. Well, sometimes....just don't look directly at them....I joke, I joke.

    I used to watch Dog and Beth is quite the character. I found it amusing when Dog spoke in third person, especially after his scandal, "The Dog is sorry!"

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    1. I heard about that scandal. Didn't he drop the N bomb? The Dog should know better. Bad Dog!

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  5. You should have come to the beautiful Northwest, to Portland, Oregon, for great coffee and beer, mountains and lakes.

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    1. Maybe so. I would like to see more of your country. I've been to Florida, California and Nevada (namely Las Vegas), so some would say I've been to the most tourist-friendly places.

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  6. The Dog left a voicemail for his son concerning his black girlfriend and told him he could not work for the agency any longer if she was going to be coming around. He emphatically stated that he was not racist, but due to the nature of their work they do use language with the N-word and other slurs that he knew would not go over well with her.

    The son leaked the message to the press.

    Years ago, when I was traveling to other countries every kid that I met who discovered that not only was I American, but from Illinois, wanted to know if I knew Michael Jordan. I couldn't get them to understand that Chicago is just one city in Illinois and not the same thing. Although, I can't get most people in the next state over to even understand that.

    No, I've never met Michael Jordan.

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    1. Why would they have to use the N-word as part of their job? I can't think of a single situation in which that would be appropriate.

      At least you understand my plight. I wonder if Michael Jordan has ever met the Queen?

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  7. What time of day did you visit the dolphin cove? If it was afternoon, all the dolphins were probably spent after raping all the other patrons. Did you see a bunch of porpoises smoking cigarettes and taking naps? Or maybe they populate the cove with all lady-dolphins to avoid such interspecies erotica.
    Glad to have you back. In this one post I now have two names for my heavy metal bands I'm sure to start: "Archaic Parasite" and "Frozen Tumors". Glad the tropical storm didn't wreck things too bad.
    And hell yeah pulled pork.

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    1. Yeah, the woman said the dolphins would be tired from their earlier "physical exertion". Many of them were winking at me though, so I probably got out just in time.

      I'll start a band with you. I don't have any musical talent whatsoever, but that doesn't matter in a heavy metal band, does it?

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  8. Why would you beat the corgis? Why?! ;_;

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    1. Because they're inbred and it's THEIR fault!

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    2. that sounds a bit ruff . . . . . .HAH AHHAHAHHAH HAH HHAH HAHAH HHAHAH HHAHAH AHAH HAH HAh ah ah ahh ha hah hah ahah ahaha ha

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    3. Ahh Rob, where would be without your puns? A lot worse off, that's for sure :)

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  9. Glad you had a nice holiday mate, I want Australia to be its own country away from the Queen, but I want a knighthood first :)

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    1. That's a good idea. Knighthoods for everyone in the Commonwealth, then we'll ditch Queen Lizzie on an island somewhere. People will have to call me "Sir" without adding "Would you please leave? A restaurant is no place to trim your toenails".

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  10. Hilarious! Dog is the greatest- watching him go after ppl. Personally I think I would rather be chased by a couple dobermans than to be on that man's bad side and have him coming after me. :)

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