Monday 15 April 2013

A Date With Mystic Mike


The night is hot and heavy.  Balmy, if you will.  My astral projected form slides through the taffeta curtain with a sexual eeriness that cannot be ignored.  My mind's eye and my jap's eye are focussed upon the same goal.

You see my shimmering ethereal silhouette and smile.  When you said goodnight at the door and didn't invite me in for coffee, you knew that wasn't the last you'd see of Mystic Mike.  It was all a test, to see if I am as powerful as the five-star reviews on LateDates.com said I was.  I intend to prove them all correct, and to further my campaign for an elusive sixth star rating.  Our night together will strive towards these goals.

Summoning my spirit animal, I straddle the headboard like a goose, honking the sweet sounds of love.  You are surprised by this.  You hadn't realised that this evening would involve such primal passion.  My soothing avian calls lull you into a soft sense of sexual tranquillity.  Tonight is not all about fertilising eggs.  Although I may migrate to Canada by the evening's end, you will not feel cheated or used.  My mind inception techniques will make sure of that.

Spirit animal, or embarrassing picture to be seen looking at during work hours?


Calling upon the spirit of your dead grandmother, I immediately know what pleases you.  Your ancestors are all around us, shouting out sex tips, willing me on, pushing me to strive for penetrative perfection.  As you hold me close, I whisper that your departed brother doesn't blame you for the motorcycle accident.  This piece of mind soon translates to wanting a piece of my pert ass.

Moments later, my astral projection begins to fade.  Before disappointment can set in or before you doubt my powers, I use telekinesis to throw stones at your bedroom window.  Using the power of the mind, I float up to the window and tap on it gently.  Your bewilderment freezes you to the spot as I pull open said window, scoop you up, and carry you outside.

Although my mind is more powerful than a James Blunt ballad, my atrophied arms have grown weak.  I cannot remember the last time I had to lift something with my hands.  You slip from my grasps and plummet towards a spiked phalanx of garden gnomes, porcelain hats pointing upwards like an ancient Aztec temple trap.  But you are not afraid.  Mystic Mike stops your descend with but a flick of the wrist.  Palm outstretched, I pull you back towards me with nothing but my mind.

Another flick of the wrist and we are both naked.  Your neighbours begin screaming as they see my pimpled rump float past their kitchen window.  Their family meal may be ruined, but their complaints will fade away into the backdrop of our ecstatic screams.

See the moon there?  That's what I'll do to your boobies


We may not be touching, but my tantric caress feels electric as it slides across you.  I call this move the Fondle Of Tesla.  I arch my fingers as I cast psychic electricity all over you, causing your hair to stand on end like a flummoxed Troll doll.  I create a magnetic field which causes your tongue piercing to ping off and fly into a nearby bird's nest, killing the occupants instantly.  We pay this no heed.  After all, their deaths will by karmatically replaced by the new life we will forge tonight.

Before we go any further, the prongs of a taser strike my exposed buttocks, sending me into spasm.  As we collapse on the floor, we find that we are surrounded by the local law enforcement.  It seems that our trans-dimensional love affair has caused some upset with the neighbours.  Using the power of suggestion, I ask you to wait for me when I get out of prison.  We both know that won't be for a long time.

25 comments:

  1. Oh my god, this is hilarious. This may be my favorite thing you've ever written. I mean, how can you argue with such a strong opening as "My astral projected form slides through the taffeta curtain with a sexual eeriness that cannot be ignored."? This could have been and should be published in whatever the mystic/holistic version of Penthouse is. My only problem is now I can't stop thinking about Nana and Pop-Pop (RIP) screaming tantric Kama Sutra moves.

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    1. Thanks! I'll try and get it published in Amorous Astrologers Monthly.

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  2. Good thing the company guidelines say nothing about publicly exposing astral projected boners because I'm hornier than Satan goring an aurochs.

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    1. Does the company have a policy on using raiki crystals to spell out sexual messages? If not, it will do shortly after I start working there.

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  3. I'm not sure what I read but I have the weirdest boner right now and that's the most sensual thing I've ever read.

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    1. Would you throw away your porn collection and buy this instead?

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  4. My aura has the most amazing electro-boner right now. However, because I'm concerned about astral diseases, I must inquire when your spirit animal was last tested.

    No psychic shield means no plowing the astral field.

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    1. The only astrological diseases you can catch are Cancer, and I believe Virgo.

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  5. Very Cool Mr Addman that Barbara Cartland will be turning in her grave.

    Ooo yes is this the same Mystic Mike that does the Christmas fair in the local town hall in December looking cold and wet with a wizards hat on.

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    1. Oooo yes one other thing my antivirus would not let me look at your last post in the end saying something about Malware, I suspect one of those anons was a badun....

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    2. I've turned off anonymous commenting so hopefully you shouldn't have that problem anymore.

      And yes, I suspect it's the same guy. Does he pull a roll of condoms out of his sleeve?

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  6. This must have been what it was like to have sex with Carl Sagan.

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  7. Hold on...wait...what...how does her dead grandmother know what pleases her?? Actually on second thoughts, I don't think I want to know the answer to that question.

    Fantastic as always Addman. :)

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    1. Yeah, it's probably best if you don't ask. In fact, I should make that a rule with all my posts :)

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  8. This needs an 80's electro synth pop track behind it and you my friend have got your very own late nite show. Nestled somewhere between Embarrassing Bodies and Red Shoe Diaries would be perfect i think.

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    1. ps - have sneaky peek at my blog tomorrow (tuesday). I have won you an award.

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    2. Ooooooooooh! *goes to check, spends the day mashing F5*

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  9. Love the visual quality of this slightly erotic piece.

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    1. Slightly erotic? My good man, Mills and Boon have written to me personally to say that my post is so sexually charged, it rendered them infertile in an instant.

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  10. Does this appear in the "I never thought it would happen to me" section of Wanton Astrologers Bi-Monthly? 'Cause it should.

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    1. I wish it would get published in a major astrologer fanzine. Do you think they'd see it coming?

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  11. I am just catching up having been absent from blog reading for the last week and OMG WTF SOS! I cannot stop laughing at this...I shouldnt laugh at other peoples karmic astral connections...should I? Best line by far and that will provide me with giggles at inopportune moments is 'Summoning my spirit animal, I straddle the headboard like a goose, honking the sweet sounds of love.' haha....hahhahahahahhahahha....hehehhehehehehe....hehhehehehehehhe....lmao...rofl....hehehhe!

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    1. Thanks, that's all I can say. I can't think of a funny response, just thanks and I'm glad you liked it so much. I guess compliments are my kryptonite.

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    2. OMG! Do you wear glasses?.....

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