Monday 20 May 2013

I Have Nothing

Sorry folks, Muppets For Justice is closed for the day.  We apologise for your wait to get at our usually tasteful and artisitc wordcraft today, but I'm afraid we're all out of stock.

That's right, we're all out of funny.  Our fart joke cellar has been bled dry, we haven't been able to reorder any irony, and pigeons have got into the innuendo.  It's disgusting, I think they're making a nest in there.

We hope that normal service shall be resumed shortly once our supply problems have been addressed and resolved.  We'd like to thank you for choosing Muppets For Justice for your bi-weekly laugh and hope that we can continue to rely on your support once service is resumed.  Until then, I'm afraid there's very little else we can offer you on these pages.  Absolutely nothing.  This message is just to inform you that nothing hilarious is about to happen anytime soon.

As such, I recommend that you close your browser window and try again later.  We'd hate for you to read a whole article about nothing at all, thus wasting your time, our time, and everyone's time who has invested time in this up until this time.  I'd imagine that, being the discerning reader that you are, you'd recognise when your time is being wasted and when there is nothing further to read.  Only an idiot would stay on this page and read more.  There's not a lot else I can say on the subject.

Perhaps I could repeat myself for the fools who are still reading, but that would just be a waste of characters and bytes.  I'd just be a tiny burp in the cavernous void of the Internet, wafting around causing a slightly nauseating smell for anyone who it drifts near.  This is an utter waste of webspace.  If Blogger found out about this they'd suspend this account for taking up chunks of their server with useless drivel like this.

Although, if you think about it, I'm only typing this because I'm anticipating that you are going to read this far down the page, so in actual fact this is all your fault.  If you stop reading, I'll stop typing.

You're still reading aren't you?  What are you, a glutton for punishment?  Do you want me to type until my fingers bleed?  Until my fingers aren't fingers any more?  Until they are scientifically classified as "nubs"?  You sadist!  This is torture!  My hands are turning into a mushy pulp as I bash out this message.  I'm mashing my atrophied appendages against the keys in the hopes that sentient thought can be derived from my efforts.  Soon, even medically trained experts will not be able to decipher the difference from the keyboard and the strips of flesh clinging to the keys like a bush baby over a fire.  The slurp as I peel my palm off of my mouse is sickening.  You've reduced me to this!  You!  I'll hold you personally responsible!

----------

Yes, I don't really have a post today.  That's because I'm hard at work on the Podcast which will be launched this week (!)

26 comments:

  1. If Blogger took down blogs that were a complete waste of server space there'd only be like 10 blogs on the Internet. And ours would definitely NOT be one of them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think 10 is a generous over-estimate, and your blog is far from being a waste of space. It's a waste of time too!

      That was a joke everyone. Seriously, go read A Beer For The Shower now.

      Delete
  2. Sorry if this is partially my fault due to getting those files over to you later rather than sooner but before never. H'anyway, good thing you don't need fingers to record a podcast! Right?! Heyoooh!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's certainly not your fault. It's my fault because I want to include everyone and I'm trying to organise it as best I can. You actually got back to me very quickly, so I cannot complain at all.

      Delete
  3. I'm looking forward to the podcast. Okay I was going to say you've earned a day off, but nah, this hardly counts as a day off. I don't think even the title "wordsmith" would do you much justice after this. That was pure literary beauty.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow, that's a big compliment. For such a rambling post, I'm pleased that it managed to appease you.

      Delete
  4. I am now dumber for having read this....the whole entire thing.

    Let me come over and fart in a tupperware bowl and seal it up so you can save it for later when you are in need of a good fart joke.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Please do. In fact, if you could collect your farts in a jar for a couple of weeks and send it to me, I'll be eternally grateful.

      Delete
  5. Ha ha, that was the best 'this isn't a real post' message I've ever read...all the way through...until the bitter, nubby finger end :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You poor soul. Are you okay? Should I be concerned right about now?

      Delete
  6. *pelvic floor muscles collapse due to laughter* My name is Lily and I'm obviously an idiot...damn, mother was right once again. Best non post ever. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How many times have I been responsible for destroying your pelvic floor muscles? I hope you're not going to try and sue me for damages.

      Delete
  7. Your nothing is a lot of something!

    ReplyDelete
  8. You know, the joke is really on you. Wanna know WHY? Yeah, I'm going to tell you why right after you finish reading the next sentence. Then I'm going to go waste some more of my time because I enjoy wasting time, ok? Yeah. Bet you didn't think of that, did you? Alright. But that's not the only reason why the joke is on you, Bub. Yeah, that's right. I called you Bub. Deal with it. The real foremost important reason the joke is on you is because this is my FIRST time visiting your blog and I was almost sorely disappointed when I saw that it was closed. However, I got to peek in the windows a little and I think I liked what I might have almost seen. K, then. Glad we got that all cleared up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello new reader! Honestly, this Blog usually full of thought-provoking philisophical arguments and world-shattering insight. Just ask anyone around here. It will change your life beyond measure! You've just caught me on an off day.

      Delete
    2. Well, I knew I had struck gold when I read of atrophied appendages mashing on the keyboard. That right there is the dedication I look for in a good blog! Plus, it made me giggle.

      Delete
  9. I hear what you say Mr Addman, OK I dont hear what you say but I will at some point as you battle with your podcast. And your words sing to me like those of a Zebra in an apple tree as it skips through the branches looking for sparrows to eat. I think you can tell I am impressed, luckily it is only a small indentation in the pavement as the piano was merely an upright not a rather grand, grand piano.

    Well done I feel you are an expert at this and have done it before, and I look forward to learning nothing else in the future...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're right, I'm quite an expert at typing a lot and not saying anything.

      Delete
  10. Podcast is coming! Podcast is coming!
    If I get blamed for continuing to have read, then I get the credit for the podcast.
    In fact, by writing this comment (further encouragement of such rambling), I should get credit for everything that is good in your life. I think I just became your God. Don't worry, I'm a benevolent deity.
    Also, this is not a comment.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My world has just been fundamentally altered. All hail Pickleope and his merciful rule!

      Delete
  11. Your nothing has a lot more content my ... anything of late. I am a slacker and your not NOT doing anything makes me look even worse.
    I demand that you stop not doing anything because I will be forced to do something about my not doing something and then something will happen and it. will. not. stop






    until somebody stops me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Then you have my sincerest apologies, I think. I'll make sure to not not NOT do anything in the future.

      Delete
  12. Your nothing don't mean nothing to me.

    I'm sorry, was that redundant?

    ReplyDelete

Leave me a nice comment or die trying.