Friday, 9 March 2012

Brain Shits – Vol.3

Please enjoy another Brain Shit.  For those who haven't read one before, please see Volume 1 + Volume 2 for an idea as to what it's all about.

I remember a song about tiger feet that went “That’s neat, that’s neat, that’s neat, that’s neat, I really love your tiger feet”. I often wonder what it was about. I suspect it’s a protest song against Chinese herbal remedies.

Now I know a lot of people say “I’m not a racist, but...”, and then they say “I know a lot of people say ‘I’m not a racist, but...’”, but why do Chinese people eat such weird food? There was a zoo in China that had too many hippos, so they ate them. The cafe served hippo toes on toast, along with any other animals that they had a surplus of. Rather than eat them, wouldn’t it be better to put them back in the wild and let other animals eat them instead? At least give them a fighting chance.

There’s a farm shop near me that serves ostrich burgers and crocodile steaks. I’ve often wanted to try some, but I’m scared that Greenpeace will get me. Those pacifists would tear me apart like a cream cracker. Oh god, now I’m imagining having crocodile meat on crackers! Animal rights campaigners will be camping outside my door now.

It strikes me that there aren’t many animals involved in animal rights protests. You’d think that dogs would march against being made to smoke. Why do you never see any vultures flying for their rights? Perhaps it’s because they can’t make any banners, or can’t come up with a catchy slogan. Or maybe they don’t care that much about their own rights. A person going to animal rights protests is like a man going to feminism rallies.
Well, you only have yourself to blame.

Are rally drivers people who drive other people to protests? I bet Colin McRae was one hell of a chauffeur, especially with all the off roading he liked to do. I don’t think he could drive a car on tarmac very well, that’s why he was always sliding around in mud. He’s probably as good at driving on roads as he is at flying helicopters. I wonder why they stopped making sequels to his video games?

On another note, just how short do shorts have to be before they become short shorts? Is there a line between short shorts and hot pants? I tried to ask our local fashion guru, Wilfred Bobbins about it. He said he’d model some for me so I could tell the difference. In his basement, he tried on various outfits but I was still confused. I was a little put off that he didn’t go behind a screen to change, and that he was playing smooth jazz on the stereo. He told me the music was by Charles Cunnilingus, and asked me if I liked Cunnlingus. I said I was unfamiliar with his work. I said I needed to go home as my Adam’s Apple was starting to hurt, at which point he became angry. He said I fooled him into thinking that I was a girl. I told him I didn’t mean to mislead him, but Tuesday is my dress and wig wearing day, just as Wednesday is pork chop day, Thursday is pizza day, and Friday is my police baiting day. He said he’d see me on Friday.

I tried baiting the police once. I put a lost wallet on a fishing line and dangled it outside the police station. Whenever a policeman came to pick it up, I wound it in a bit and had them chase it across the floor. The problem was, once I’d wound the line all the way in, they inevitably caught me. I was told that if I didn’t pay a fine I’d get a criminal record. I told them I’d take a Fleetwood Mac record, as it’s criminal that they haven’t released anything for ages. They gave me a Coldplay record instead. That taught me not to do it again!

Oh and, just so you don't think I'm mad, here's a news article about Beijing Zoo eating their animals.  


  1. The master of puns strikes again.
    Don't feel bad about eating ostrich burgers. Ostriches are dicks. Total assholes.
    I thought you were going somewhere very different when you started with "police baiting" and I'm strangely in awe of your restraint.

  2. Another flawlessly piled brain shit!

    But, I see why the Chinese have such strange eatting habits. I relunctantly ate alligator once. I found it to be quite delicious. Since then I've been trying to satiate my new found appetite by trying various oddities (since alligators are terribly difficult to kill). But, I've moved on to try several delectable cuisines such freshly clubbed baby seal, strangled dolphin, and newborn infants.

  3. You're hilarious, by the way.
    I'm a vegetarian and so I kinda care about animal rights, but don't worry I won't be camping outside your house.

  4. This is the best Brain Shits by far. Everyone should have your brain haha.

  5. @Pickleope - I agree on the ostriches. I saw one on a bus that refused to give up his seat for a pregnant lady. What a prick!

    @Chiz - Since they don't have necks, how do you strangle a dolphin? I feel a euphemism coming on...

    @Aimee - I care about animal rights too. What bothers me is that animals don't care about animal rights. I tried to take a tortoise to vote, and he didn't even get angry when they turned him away. He just sat on the lawn outside, eating fruit. Lazy bastard!

    @Stefan - Thanks. Oddly enough, if everyone in the world did have a little piece of my brain (that's 7 billion of you), it probably wouldn't have much effect on my lifestyle. I'd still operate at the same mental capacity, as scientists call it, "non-existent".

  6. A Coldplay record?


    This isn't the middle-ages!

    That's BARBARIC!

  7. I like Fleetwood Mac and I wear hot pants, we should totally go on a date where we eat strange animals. That sounds strange doesn't it? No stranger than your latest offering. Well done.

  8. Charles Cunnilingus? Who's he?

    (I kid, I kid...)

    -Barb the French Bean

  9. Totally wicked Brain Shits! Shitty funny stuff!
    I wonder how your brain actually looks like? It must be throbbing with wit and brilliance.

    Coldplay record? Serves you right. :)

  10. that there picture of a woman in a cage reminded me of story by Will Self (iknowiknow) cant remember the name of it and it didnt really go anywhere but it WAS based on the very same tram journey i used to go to work and read it. it made me feel uneasy and those same feelings are now haunting my mind. no restful sleep for me tonight.

    jolly good brain shit though.

  11. @Ash-Matic - Coldplay records were banned from being used on Guantanamo detainees, thanks to the Human Right's Act.

    @Flip - I'd love to go on a date with you. Is it ok for two heterosexual men to meet up for romantic liasons, even if those men are entangled in long term relationships with women? If so, I'll pick you up at 7.

    @The Beans - Trust me, he didn't earn that name from his awesome fingering technique.

    @Psycho - Last time I looked at my brain, it was grey and mushy. When I pressed it with my finger, I woke up two days later and I'd forgotten the capital cities of the world.

    @Bumferry - I'm sorry that my images upset you. I'll send you a picture of my genitals contorted into the shape of an X-Wing to compensate you.


Leave me a nice comment or die trying.