Friday, 2 March 2012

The Great British Euphemism

As Muppets For Justice increases in popularity (my budgie glanced at my monitor whilst I was reading my Blog the other day, bringing the total readership up to 2), it has occurred to me that I need to make an effort to communicate more effectively with people from other countries.

I came to this realisation after noticing that most of my readership is American, according to stats.  As a bowler-hatted, eel-sucking Brit, I suspect that during a particularly ambulatory diatribe, I may sometimes bewilder my American cousins (howdy, by the way) when I start talking about queues, or how lovely Dagenham is at this time of year.  In the efforts of cultural exchange, I thought I’d share with you some of Britain’s most treasured possessions, its euphemisms.

Even our squirrels are dapper

You see, we British are rather uncomfortable when it comes to talking about sex.  So much so, that we’ll invent all sorts of convoluted alternatives to avoid tackling the subject head on.  Sometimes, a bit of “oo-er, how’s your father?” sounds a little more polite than “rutting in a bush, squealing like a sweaty donkey trapped in a rusty door”.  Instead, each British person is required, by law, to come up with their own euphemisms to describe any sort of sexual activity.  I hope you’ll indulge me in allowing my share a collection of my own euphemisms.  All of these describe the deplorable act of masturbation and have been separated into the categories of Male and Female.  And before you ask, no, this isn’t just an excuse for me to post up some unfunny wank jokes, this is culture!  Now sit down and read your self serving euphemisms:


  • Shaking sticky, white coconuts from the love palmtree
  • Signalling to exit Arousal Junction
  • Being entertained by Lady Palm, and her five lovely sisters
  • Working 9 til 9:02
  • Performing an exhilarating solo, without an audience
  • Drilling for albino oil
  • Plunging a sink full of tadpoles
  • Reaching the summit of Glossy Mountain
  • Trying to start a pubic fire
  • Unblocking the pipework in the glue factory


  • Inspecting the floodgates
  • Performing the Two-Fingered Heart Exploding Technique
  • Steadying the washing machine
  • Being in thrall to Captain Index and his dashing middle brother
  • Schlicking
  • Strumming for peace
  • Clanging the ovaries
  • Attempting to cordon off an oil slick
  • Smuggling your own fist through customs
  • Trying to retrieve lost pennies
  • Reading a classic novel in vaginal braille

Lovely, a bit of Great British culture there for you.  The next time you feel the urge, simply say one of these to your work colleagues.  They’ll understand, give you a cheeky wink, and allow you to do your dirty business in a corner of the office.  Just make sure the cleaners don’t catch you, otherwise you’ll have to listen to them drone on about "persistent stains".  Toodle pip!


  1. I say old chap these examples are rather quite amusing. Granted I now reside in Australia, never in my 4 years of formerly living in London have I heard of such talk. Makes my smart arse talking friend look like a prat.

    Jolly good old boy!

    1. I find your comments racist.

      Only joking, I find them extremely racist!

      Only joking ... you get where I'm going with this. Thanks for stopping by, and well done on escaping to Australia.

  2. "Eel-sucking"? Wank jokes...Sorry, this Cultural Lesson was quite illuminating. I like for men: polishing the south pole, punishing the lazy samurai, and hammering the rail spike. And for women: the classic of "flicking the bean", strumming the banjo, adjusting the volume, or molesting the tadpole.

    1. Punishing the lazy samurai is ace! It's inspired me to make another one:

      "Repeatedly shaming your family by committing groinal seppuku"

      Maybe it's a tad unweildly.

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

    1. Wow, these euphemisms make masturbation appear like an orchestral ceremony. I feel filthy using any other phrase other than what's listed here. Now, excuse me while I masterstroke my monumental geyser.

      And, excellent post. Definately work friendly material(I deleted my previous post to include this in case you were wondering what that deleted post was).

  4. Jesus H Christ! I just choked on the plumes of me fag, reading this!

    Why does everything I say in regards to your posts, never sound quite right?

  5. My favorite euphemism is: Rubbing your own hand on your own genitals in order to bring about orgasm. It's kinda of subtle, but if you REALLY think about it, it totally makes sense.

    Nice post.

  6. Holy crap! I just had two of my "cubicle neighbors" come over to my desk to see why I was laughing so hard... :)

  7. "Reading vaginal braille." This is great beyond words. I love the Brits.

  8. @Chiz - Never mind. Makes it look like I have received more comments than I actually have, which is good for me.

    @Lily - Maybe because my posts aren't quite right. for want of a better expression.

    @Flip - Yeah, that has to be the best euphemism.

    @Kevin - Did you tell them that you were laughing because masturbation is funny? I got sent out of sex education lessons for less.

    @Beer - Although, if your vagina has enough lumps and bumps in it to produce classic literature, you may need to see a doctor.

  9. delightful me old fruity. mid-morning-hand-shandy-tastic.

  10. Nudge-nudge, say no more. I've seen Monty Python to confirm that this is true.

    -Barb the French Bean

  11. Darn it, reading your posts always bring out the worst in me.

    I laugh and snort!

    Even the comments are absolutely funny! Love the euphemisms. Priceless.


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