Monday 12 November 2012

Toiletiquette


There is a mystical place that all humans visit on a daily basis to pay their respects.  Regardless of colour, creed or religion, everyone visits this same room, outhouse or specialist building to offer up a donation to the porcelain throne.  This shrine goes by several different names such as bathroom, toilet, crapper, shit closet or turd cupboard.

Despite the fact that everyone uses this facility with alarming regularity, the differences in how they are used by each gender is vast.  While women are quite happy to use the bathroom as a meeting place and hangout spot, the reverence that men pay to the tiled palace is worlds apart.  There are many unwritten rules and laws in the Gents loos, ones that must be obeyed without question.  Despite them being unwritten rules, I decided to write them down.  Consider this an education if you have recently become a man, or fancy going undercover as a man in the future.

Rule 1 – Your Gaze Must Stay On The Y Axis

This is the most important rule of all, hence it heads up our list at number 1.  Never look side to side.  Keep your eyes straight forward, or down on your yellow proton stream.  If someone catches you glancing at them you’ve volunteered yourself for one of two things 1) a beating, or 2) a rape.  If you are unlucky you may get a little from both columns.  Either way, pick a urinal and keep those eyes to yourself.

Rule 2 – Don’t Close Your Eyes

Closing your eyes while enjoying the sweet sensation of bladder relief might look creepy to onlookers.  This is especially true if you provide real time commentary such as “Oh yeah, that’s the ticket” or “Merciful respite”.  Some people may operate under the misapprehension that you are pleasuring yourself, which may also result in a beating or rape.

I am honoured to accept your human excrement


Rule 3 – The 3 Shake Rule

When finishing up, your urine stream slows all the way down from a verdant waterfall to a steady drip.  To discharge these final piss bullets from the clip, you may need to shake your weapon a couple of times.  This will stop those concluding droplets from leaking into your trousers, streaking them like grandpa’s slacks.  However, as with Rule 2, you don’t want people to think you are masturbating.  Do not shake more than 3 times.  3 times is cautionary, 4 times is self gratification.

Rule 4 – Zips Not Buttons

Always buy jeans or trousers that have a zipper fly rather than buttons.  Not only does a zipper give you easier access to your waste pipe, but it is also easier to do up once the deed is done.  Standing around trying to button yourself up may also look like you are taking extra pleasure from your piss.

Rule 5 – Pick Your Urinal With Care

This is all circumstantial.  Imagine there’s a row of ten urinals, and only one other person taking a leak at the far end.  For some reason you decide to use the urinal right next to him, second from the end.  Perhaps it’s set lower down or has a fresher urinal cake dispelling fresh, lemony goodness, I don’t know.  Do you have any idea how much discomfort you’ve just caused that man?  He thinks you have an ulterior motive such as to glance at his pee pee, or you’ve decided to box him in and proposition him into homosexual relations.  This might make him angry or scared, neither of which are great states of mind to be in when visiting a public bathroom.  As such, be a gentleman and use the urinal furthest away from him.

Rule 6 – Don’t Talk To People

No one wants to talk to you while they expel their waste.  No one wants to know if you’re having a good night.  Don’t do this.  It’s rude.

Rule 7 – Don’t Shake People’s Hands

This should go without saying really.  People’s hands are usually too busy in the bathroom to go through formal greeting rituals with you.  Plus, do you really want to touch people’s hands before they’ve washed them?

Urinal Cake - Not as tasty as Battenburg


Rule 8 – Never Sit In A Cubicle With A Hole In

Sometimes this is inevitable, but wherever possible, do not sit in a cubicle that has a hole in the stall wall, especially if that hole could accommodate the average phallus.  The hole may occasionally have arrows drawn with a marker pen pointing towards it.  If you see a hole matching that description, yep, you’ve just sat near the glory hole.  Chances are that someone’s expectant member will come peering through that hole at any moment.

Rule 9 – Always Check The Toilet Roll Situation

When sitting in a cubicle, make sure you check the toilet roll dispenser before you cave in to your rectal tremors.  If you poo without toilet paper, you’ll be forced to ask someone in a neighbouring stall for help, which may result in someone taking photos on their cameraphone over the top of the stall, and you being tagged on Facebook as “Shittyarse”.

Rule 10 – Never Accept An Invitation To Go Cottaging

I fell for this once.  I expected to go for a delightful jaunt around the countryside while evaluating rural properties.  Boy, was I surprised!

And there we have it.  Now that we’ve learned the basics, I’d suggest that you piss and shit yourself rather than suffer the humiliation of a public restroom.  Remember to stay safe out there.

23 comments:

  1. I am particular to #5. It never fails, the creepy guys always select the stall right next to me!

    I abide by all these rules!

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    1. Watch out! He's trying to look at your willy! The only defense is to paint your member black, and therefore, invisible.

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  2. You missed out writing on the stall walls to set up your (possibly) gay friend, or, if you're feeling frisky, yourself. Bathroom stalls are how I keep up with the local gay scene.

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    1. Yes, it's quite remarkable how closely you can follow the gay community from public toilets. Apparently, I hear they fancy men these days.

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  3. Ha ha ha ha! I love the mere thought of someone asking you to go "cottaging" in the bathroom. So you're saying I shouldn't scream "Oh yeah it feels like magic, my ass is Harry Potter bitches," while I'm dropping a load? Also, may I add one more item: Gents, it's not a contest to see how far back you can stand from the urinal. You don't win a prize for a strong stream, get right up on that urinal, straddle it. You lose if you let any urine hit the floor.

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    1. I agree with that. When you have to wear waders just to reach a urinal, you know you're in for a rough time.

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  4. Can I throw in another rule? Don't lean one hand against the wall and wear a huge look of relief on your face. This makes it look like A) you're exhausted just by the mere act of pissing and need to lean against the wall otherwise you'll just fall over or B) the toilet is giving you a blowjob.

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    1. After some of the pisses I've had, you'd be exhausted too!

      This message was bought to you by the Kidney Stone foundation.

      Delete
  5. I must disagree with rule #4.

    Zips offer up a whole cornucopia of semi-permanent dis-figuration of the old fella.

    Having been a victim of this in the past It is not something I wish to go through again. It can safely be said that women who piss and moan about child birth being painful and what not can go and royally fuck themselves stupid because getting your little chap stuck between the METAL TEETH of your pants completely eclipses with its sheer unadulterated pain (and shame of regaining conciousness on the piss stained floor of the local pub with you nob all swollen and bleeding) compared to what amounts to nothing more than having a bit of a big poo out of your front bottom with the option of having lots and lots of free NHS drugs to keep you happy.

    I would also like to add (from a professional toilet cleaners point of view) that sitting backwards on a toilet and shitting the wrong way may look rather amusing and make the next occupant scratch their heads for a second but for scrubbers like me - it is not funny at all.

    dirty buggers.

    Oh yea, and women should have a little wipe when they decide to "do a period" on the toilet as well. fucking animals.

    I have now gone quite QUITE MAD!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. People sit backwards on the toilet? I've never thought of riding sidesaddle before, I'll let you know how it goes.

      EDIT: dear god...

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  6. Rule #11:
    When you hear the bathroom door open, let out a courteous cough to let the newcomer know you are using one of the stalls to prevent an awkward stall check.

    Anyway, my work's bathroom only has 2 urinals, and to make matters worse, my coworkers are like 7 feet tall and talk a lot. So, not only do I get the toilet-talker, I also have to deal with him standing a foot away gazing down at me.

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    1. Where do you work, the Jolly Green Giant factory?

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  7. I must say that I've always thought having to go the trouble of sitting down to pee was annoying, but it sure beats having tall creepers staring down at my bits

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    1. You're right there. Despite the amount of social interaction that occurs in ladies bathroom, I'm pretty sure that the chances of getting molested are 200% lower than in the gents.

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  8. Thanks for this toilet education. I'll feel much more confident the next time I stroll into a public restroom.

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  9. Confidence is key. If you look like you know what you're doing, you should be fine.

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  10. Who knew there were so many rules for men when it came to the dunny! I'm glad it's not as complicated for us, I'd have broken most of them today alone!

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    Replies
    1. Really? How many penises have you seen in the bathroom today?

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  11. I was always under the assumption that there was an unwritten rule that said it was something we never write about. But while on the subject I have found that if you hear two men having a chat in a cubicle and one of them is groaning a lot, it is not helpful to knock loudly on the door and shout ARE YOU OK IN THERE....

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    1. It's also not helpful to kick the door down and try and prise them off of each other. I'm sorry but two guys who look like they are stuck together are in need of rescue, if you ask me.

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  12. Thank you for writing down the unwritten rules. Is there some shadowy organization that you now need to be worried about? "We don't like snitches, Mr Addman. Now you're off to go cottaging, so to speak." Check those empty stalls, just in case.

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    1. Oh god, now I'm scared! Luckily, some men in black suits have just knocked on the door to offer me some free ice cream. I'm just going to go and climb into their van. That free ice cream should calm me down.

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  13. love the mention of the glory hole. glory glory hallelujah!

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