Monday 18 February 2013

Cat Reviews

It has long since been documented by historians that the ancient Egyptians used to revere cats as sacred animals.  These furry felines were treated like Gods and enjoyed a lifestyle of luxury whilst slaves in rags toiled in the baking sun to build them glorious monuments. 

Were the cats even grateful?  Not in the slightest.  They couldn’t care that thousands of ape creatures sacrificed their lives through spine-snapping labour to build a likeness of them that wouldn’t even be appreciated.  In fact, cats are the most aloof animal out there.  They enjoy the care and warmth that their human cohorts supply, yet give nothing, not even the slightest fleck of affection or gratitude.  That’s why, in the Internet age, there are approximately 10 bajillion YouTube clips of people’s cats.

Since people are so utterly fascinated by cat antics, I thought I could drive up traffic on this Blog by discussing the world’s most thankless and unrewarding pet.  More specifically, I’m going to review some cats and give them a score out of ten.  The reviews are completely unbiased and impartial, although my lawyers would have me declare that I hate cats and I’m highly allergic to them.  With that out of the way, let’s critique some moggies!


Felix




Felix is a black and white...thing.  I’m not sure what breed he is other than he looks like the cat off of the Felix adverts, hence his owners have called him Felix.

Seriously, what’s up with that name?  His owners are severely lacking in imagination.  Why can’t you call him “Lance Thunderclap” or “Supreme Space Emperor Flarg XXII:  Domineer of the Parsec Cluster”?  Hell, even the name “John Major” conjures up more style and charisma than “Felix”.

Anyways, there are a few defects with this model.  Firstly, Felix poops in a litter tray, but fails to clean the litter tray afterwards and doesn’t apologise for defecating in the food-preparation zone that is the kitchen.  He is an indoors cat and as such, requires extra sustenance in the form of cat food.  He can’t even be sustained by regular patches or downloadable content, he requires 2 tins of shredded bovine per day!  He eats better than me, and I thought I had it good last Tuesday when I stirred my Pot Noodle with a Cheesestring!

All in all, Felix is more trouble than he’s worth.  Would not recommend.

2/10



Amber


Again, this is another lacklustre name for a ginger tabby.  Since we’re dealing with a red head, you’re missing a trick if you don’t call it “Fanta Face” or “Tampon McBloodClot”.  It makes it a lot more fun when the cat goes missing and you have walk around the local children’s park shouting it’s name.

Name aside, Amber is not actually a bad cat.  She goes outside and mercilessly slaughters the local wildlife, thus providing less competition for when you want to forage through your neighbour’s bins.

The downside is that she often brings the mauled carcasses of her victims into your house and leaves them in the most awkward places, such as inside shoes, on pillows, and in your underwear drawer.  Sure, you may end up with a mangled robin wrapped around your balls as you get dressed in the morning, but at least you’ve found that special something for tonight’s casserole.

5/10



Mrs. Cuddlebum


Okay, at least we have an original name this time.  However, Mrs. Cuddlebum makes me want to blow chunks like cooling down your chicken and mushroom soup with a leaf blower.  It’s so sickly sweet, and who on Earth wants to cuddle a cat’s bum?  No matter how often they point their anus at you, you should never cuddle something that could potentially rain faecal matter in your eyes.

In other aspects, Mrs. Cuddlebum is simply lacklustre.  She has too much hair.  This not only means that you can’t appreciate her aerodynamic proportions (rendering her virtually flightless), it also means that she sheds fur like a motherfucker.  If you get a Mrs.  Cuddlebum of your own, be sure to take out extra insurance on that Dyson.  Oh, and buy a Dyson.

Also, I have it on good authority that she’s smothered three babies by sitting on them.

0/10



Well that’s three horrible critters critiqued and rated.  If you would like me to review your cat simply package it up and send it to me.  I can’t guarantee that all review models will be returned due to our strict stress testing procedures.  Also, if anyone can recommend some strong antihistamines, I’d be more than grateful.

19 comments:

  1. "No matter how often they point their anus at you, you should never cuddle something that could potentially rain faecal matter in your eyes." That is some straight up wisdom. I don't think I've ever met a cat owner who wasn't all scratched up from their supposed pet. 0/10 for the species in general.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Agreed. As an environmentalist, animal lover and pet owner, I can safely say that cats should be exterminated.

      Delete
  2. I think “Supreme Space Emperor Flarg XXII: Domineer of the Parsec Cluster” would be a great cat name. Apparently they only give those kind of names to dogs. For example, my Italian Greyhound is a pure bred, and I found out by digging through his papers that his father's name is "Sir Nate of Dash the Rocket Sprinter IV"

    I'm only sorry I couldn't continue on his father's name and instead called him "Noobies" like some kind of typical dog owner.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well "Noobies" is just his alternate name for when he's slumming it. You can refer to him by his proper title in private.

      Delete
  3. Mrs. Cuddlebum gets a score of zero? WTF? But she is so cute and fluffy, that's gotta be worth something!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm not sure that she even has eyes. For that reason alone, she gets a zero. I don't make the rules...

      Delete
  4. I am no fan of cats either. Probably due to my allergy. Because of this I have never really gotten to know any cats, but I assume that I would have had the same opinion of them anyway.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wouldn't worry about not knowing any cats. Cats have absolutely no interest in getting to you as a person. They don't care about your taste in music, they don't care that you've just stubbed your toe on a set of drawers, and they wouldn't care if you dropped dead in front of them.

      Delete
  5. I think the fact that cats care so little about the people who feed them (lets not kid ourselves in to thinking cats think they have owners) is one of the reasons I like them so much. I'm quite used to being unloved, so they make the perfect pet for me.

    Okay that sounded really tragic, but I do love cats.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sure you've seen that Cravendale documentary about cats controlling the minds of milkmen to take over the world. If that doesn't convince you as to the evil of cats, then there's no hope for you.

      Delete
  6. I am also allergic to cats and they bloody know it. That is why I hate them. The best medicine for cats is a hoover and/or a long handled broom that has been set on fire. I find flaming brooms do wonders and ironically make me look like a mental man witch - which should not be confused with a sandwich which is a different thing entirely.

    Cats love a witch but do not like the smell of their own singed hair. it twists their melon.

    in conclusion cats are shit.

    fuck 'em.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm printing your comment out right now. I am going to frame it and send it to the Cats Protection League in the hopes that they will cease their depraved activities.

      Delete
  7. A fun post. We must have been tuning in to the same frequency because I never write about cats, but I did this morning.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's really bizarre, perhaps the cats are starting to infiltrate our subconscious using subliminal tones and mesmerising arseholes. It's a catspiracy!

      Delete
  8. Cat's are experts at profiling. That's why they hate humans. They just assume we're power-hungry dominators of felines; they never once think that we just want some fluffly thing to smother with love. That's why I'll never get a cat because they're ignorant. Dogs are much more open-minded. I don't know what I'm talking about. But I do know one thing, expect my girlfriend's ass cat in the mail with no return address... because he's an ass, and he's mean.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sure I can find some use for your girlfriend's cat...

      *imagines a cat concentration camp called "Meowchwitz"*

      Delete
  9. We have two cats a friendly one who is annoying and wants to eat all the time and likes to claw you to death as an act of friendship while purring at you. The other cat, Heavy Harry is grumpy and miserable and annoying thinks we should feed him on demand all the time and likes to claw you to death because he hates you and growls. Both of them think a cat flap is the tradesman's entrance and beneath them so insist that we open the door, and the friendly one thinks he can sleep on my head at night, I do not like waking up with a cat on my head.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You seem to be far too close to the cats for my liking. In fact, I'm starting to think you're working for them! Who put you up to this? Answer me! Are you infiltrating my Blog to try and indoctrinate my readership with cat philosophies?

      Delete
    2. MMmmmmmeeeeeeoooooWWWWWWWWWWW

      Delete

Leave me a nice comment or die trying.