Monday 25 March 2013

We Need To Talk About Willies

Willies; we all have them, but are we getting the most from them?  Frankly, I thought my willy was nothing but a urine delivery chute until I was 16, and boy was I surprised!  I felt cheated.  I felt like I had missed out on years’ worth of willy-centric opportunities.  That’s why I embarked on my current mission; to introduce the next generation to the possibilities of willies sooner rather than later.

In order to discover the level of ignorance we’re dealing with, I invited my 8 year old nephew along to tell us everything he knows about willies.  Davey has yet to be enlightened to the wonderful world of willies, but I’m sure we can all learn a thing or two from his lecture.






Hi my name is Davey and I am in Mr Jameson’s class 4C.  I am 8 years old and I have had a willy for at least 8 years.  My friends all have willies too and say they had them from when they were born.  I don’t know what else you want to know.
 

Me and my friends sometimes wee on walls together.  We try and see who can get their wee the highest.  One time I managed to wee so high that I knocked a sparrow out of the air.  Then we ran away because a man was coming and we thought we’d get into trouble.  I reckon that’s the thing that willies are for. That, and making lemon snow cones for your friends.  I gave Craig Farmsworth a lemon snow cone and he yummed it up, then asked me if I had any more.  I showed him how to make them, and then he went very pale and missed a week of school.  My mum won’t let me go round to his house anymore.
 

John French reckons that girls don’t have willies.  I asked Stacey Smith if she had a willy, but she ran away and I don’t know what to believe.  I think she might be hiding a secret one but doesn’t want people to know.  That doesn’t matter though because I found a slippery popped balloon in the bushes outside the senior school, so I put it down Stacey’s dress.  It was really funny and she started screaming, then she ran home and told on me.  Her mother made her go to the hospital for tests.  I bet they made her do spelling tests.  If that was me I would have been sad because I don’t think you should have to do extra spelling tests because you touched a second hand balloon.  They should have given her some cake to make her feel better.


I showed my willy to Claire Duggan one time.  She said it looked like a slug.  I said it doesn't look anything like a slug, so I found a real slug to show her.  She wasn't around so I put it in her school bag and it got in her lunchbox and ate the salad on her sandwich.  Then Claire ate the sandwich and the slug was still on it.  Her mum came to school and told the headteacher on me and I had to apologise in front of the school.  I told the headteacher what she said about my willy and he said I shouldn't show anyone else, even if they ask really nicely and offer me sweets.
 

The year 6 kids all got a special assembly about willies and things.  My older brother was in it last year, and he said he learned a lot, but he wouldn’t tell me anything good about it.  He said that all the girls got a special present, like a little toy mouse to take home which was really unfair because the boys didn’t get any presents. The boys all had to stare at “fat cocks” for half an hour.  I hope when I’m in year 6 I’ll get a present.
 

One time I woke up really early because it was 5 days before my birthday and I was really excited about it.  That and I’d also had a dream about going to the toilet.  Anyway, I ran to the bathroom and my dad was coming out, only he forgot his pants and his willy was hanging out everywhere.  It was a bit brown, which is funny because mine is pink.  Do you get a brown willy when you get older?  I don’t want it to go brown because it will look like I put fake tan on it and the other kids will laugh at me.  They will think I’m from The Only Way Is Essex.

That is everything I know about willies.


As you can see, we have a lot to educate our children when it comes to willies.  Whether you have a willy or not, I hope you will join me in my campaign to get the globe talking about willies!  First, we’ll start on Church Street, then after, the entire world!


*  This post may have come into fruition through the delirium caused by this video.  Do not watch this at work or in front of loved ones, but rest assured, it’s my most watched YouTube video of all time.  Consider this an insight into my insanity:


23 comments:

  1. I think it's fair to say that between these words of wisdom and that video, we are all more intelligent and more enlightened for having experienced this. Thank you, Davey. I don't reckon that girls have willies either, but I'm still waiting on an answer from my wife. So far, the answer remains "Shut up and get a goddamn job already you oversized toddler."

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    1. You should set up a surveillance network in your bathroom to uncover the truth. Sure, it might end in divorce, but at least we will have made a major breakthrough in the field of biology.

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  2. A few years ago I was walking through Canal Street in Manchester where they a load of Rainbow flags and it all looks very pretty. As I was walking along I saw a lady who had a dress on and big black boots, (must be the fashion) anyway, we got talking and she asked me if i wanted a drink... long story short - she had a willie. a big one. So yes. some girls do have willies and they are also men according to the policeman who helped me find my pants.

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    1. This is far too confusing. Life is like a Bangkok strip club, you never know what you're gonna get.

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  3. That YouTube video used to be my dorm room's anthem. We'd blast it over the wall-mounted speakers on a Sunday morning and spread the joy.

    H'anyway, I'm still quite perplexed on the inner-workings of my willy. I heard baseball players pee on their hands to make them calloused, but I also use my willy to pee in vaginas. Does that make vaginas calloused? On second thought, am I performing this sex thing correctly? Help me, Davey.

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    1. This is interesting. When you pee in vaginas, do you often find that you get a second date?

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  4. Well, I can safely say I now know all there is to know about willies.

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    1. I hope you've been taking notes/doodling willies on your homework.

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  5. I'm not really sure I want to know where something like this came from. I've not really had many willy exploits in my time either.

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    1. Don't worry Mark, I'm sure your willy will one day lead you on a legendary journey to Valhalla and back.

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  6. Where were you when I was tryin to figure out my willy? Great post, very funny!

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    1. I think I might become a freelance tutor of sex ed. I could turn up at people's houses and teach their children, shouting sexual facts through the letterbox if I have to.

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  7. That songs going to be stuck in my head for ages. I have no willie but I started wishing I had one instead of lady bits around that 6 year when they boys went to recess and I had to watch a video that terrified me...until later that year when I realized it's MUCH worse than that video. Ugh...

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    1. Puberty is utterly terrifying regardless of gender. Just be glad that you made it through relatively unscathed.

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  8. If I wasn't such a huge fan of the 80's show, Alf, and I'm not, I would have a much more disturbing view of all things "Willie". That's not to say I'm not incredibly disturbed by this post. If for no other reason, than, well, the sentence, "The boys all had to stare at “fat cocks” for half an hour," as put in the context of a fictional 8 year old narrative.

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    1. Don't worry, they were cartoon illustrations of cocks. It's less horrifying than a practical demonstration as given by the entire male faculty.

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  9. Sounds like Davey is on track to having a strong career in poisoning people. It's nice to discover what you are good at when you are young.

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    1. Perhaps assassination would be a lucrative career track. I tried it myself, but I couldn't stop laughing at the two asses in the job title.

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  10. Every traumatic event that has ever happened to me, have all now been replaced with that one video.
    And I'm guessing your nephew will be appearing on some kind of list, somewhere in the future. :)

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    1. I could show this video to trauma victims in order to help them forget. Who'd have thought this video would push forward medical understanding by so much.

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  11. AH . . . . . .DAMN . . . . . I made the mistake of watching that clip. I will go and lie down now, I will never be able to watch Free Willy ever again. (to tell the truth I have never seen it)

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    1. Let me sum it up for you: whale gets captured, whale gets freed, Michael Jackson sings a song.

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    2. You see Michael Jackson . . . . . I knew there had to be a link somewhere.

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