Friday, 31 August 2007

Don't Hate The Player

You lucky folks get a whole two updates today! You know why? Because I typed one up yesterday and forgot to publish it. Call me a fool if you must, but nothing could even come close to the insult I recieved in my inbox during the course of yesterday evening.

I got an email from some random hotmail address that just appeared to be a bunch of random characters strewn together by the forces of evil. I was mortified when I opened it up and saw the following message:

addman just stop it. curl up and die


Wow, such a harsh criticism has left a poisonous barb lodged within my heart with no hope of recovery. So this what Steve Irwin must have felt like. I honestly have no idea what I've said or done to illicit such a strong reaction, and I can only assume it's something to do with this blog, since I don't really have a strong online presence anywhere else where people might hate me.

Well mystery reader, if you were hoping for a mention, then you got it. I hope this satisfies you enough so that this doesn't escalate into writing death notes with your own faeces and creating voodoo dolls of me out of your own armpit hair. I hope you won't sneak into my house at night and move my furniature around slightly, thus shocking me in the morning when I notice that the dining room table has shifted three inches! I hope that you won't study mind control, then enter my dreams and begin cooing "stop it, you curler!" over and over until I scoop my frontal lobes out. Threats over the internet are very serious business, and as such, I shall be ringing NetCops in order to provide my blog with 24 hour protection from terrible internet predators.

Despite my absolute terror, I have to really admire the subtle nuances of the above insult. They could have gone down the usual tried and tested paths and come up with something generic, but instead they plucked this golden nugget right out of the air. Golden air! I know that if it were me, I'd have probably written something immensely boring like:

Dear Addman,

I apologise intensively for disrupting the usual flow of viagra and FW: RE: RE: CHECK THIS CHIX TITS!!!!11 emails that you'd usually recieve, but I felt it was of paramount importance to contact you today.

I found your latest blog update to be rather corse and dire, and as such, I shall not be reading your blog anymore. Please find attached a detailled list of what was wrong with your update, and how to rectify it in the future. Until you sort out your act, I feel the need to insult you, so here goes:

Addman, you were concieved on the day that a hobo and a raging schizophreniac decided that a heavy mixture of moonshine and unprotected sex would be an adequate solution to resolve the incredible itch in their genitals, and was abandoned shortly after birth when the pair of them were chased away by some fire-breathing dandilions they thought they saw. I believe you spent most of your childhood living as an animal in your adoptive parents backyard, and being fed hallucinogens as a reward for doing tricks.

Anyway, I close this piece of electronic mail by saying that you sir, are woefully inept and there is not a soul alive who cares to listen to your dribble. Good day!


But of course, his is easier to read, which makes it much better. I hope that my mystery antagoniser reads this and realises that he's won, thus leaving me alone to browse my viagra mails in peace. You hear me?! YOU'VE WON! PLEASE DON'T REMOVE MY EYELIDS!

EDIT: Today's post was proof read by Zoid, whos guinea pig has tricked him.

3 comments:

  1. Derilect Plunger (not dark or crazy!)5 September 2007 at 15:47

    Dear Addman,

    I apologise intensively for disrupting the usual flow of viagra and FW: RE: RE: CHECK THIS CHIX TITS!!!!11 emails that you'd usually recieve, but I felt it was of paramount importance to contact you today.

    I found your latest blog update to be rather corse and dire, and as such, I shall not be reading your blog anymore. Please find attached a detailled list of what was wrong with your update, and how to rectify it in the future. Until you sort out your act, I feel the need to insult you, so here goes:

    Addman, you are the product of a battlemonkey inbreed with a banna. The fact that you can form enough words together to write this thing is astounding. This is the most disdainful, inconsiderate, and ugly subset of words from the english language I have ever had the displeasure of processing.

    Anyway, I close this piece of electronic mail by saying that you sir, are woefully inept and there is not a soul alive who cares to listen to your dribble. Good day!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Gosh darn furious5 September 2007 at 23:38

    I am so very gosh darn cross right now, I might almost explode from rage...I just stood on a pin. As for this blog, I'm not sure what to think of it. I notice you touch on many serious subjects with no trace of humour in there so I must applaud your bravery. Not many unhumorous blogs do well but this one seems to have hit the squirrel on the head. Not that I would hit a squirrel on the head, or stuff it, or make squirrel pie, or make nice little small rugs for mice. Nosiree, not this person.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks, I try to keep all my posts as serious and factual as possible. It's like a running documentary, so just imagine David Attenborough reading each post.

    Also, could I please have a slice of that pie?

    ReplyDelete

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