Friday 13 July 2012

The British Dream


We all know about the American dream. It's what the whole country was founded on and is often referred to in movies, TV shows, books, smoke signals, and carrier pigeons. The American Dream entitles all Americans to own their own property, live off the fat of the land, stroke soft things, and shoot your mentally handicapped friend when he becomes a burden (or so I've read).

But do other countries have dreams too? If they do, they don't seem to talk about them very much. Maybe they're special night time dreams that cause you to dampen your special areas. I imagine that the Australian dream is to survive a pissed boxing match with a kangaroo, whereas the Japanese dream is to build a lifelike android with sentient thoughts and emotions, then rape it 'til it breaks.  Offensively misguided stereotypes aside, no other country claims to have a national dream.

An artist's rendition of the American Dream

If the British had a dream, what would it consist of? I'm British and I once dreamt that I was Jackie Chan's unlikely stunt double, but I doubt I'm representative of a national trend.

I believe that the real British dream is to own your own pub. Or at least, that's the male British dream. The female British dream is probably some unholy hybrid of Princess And The Frog and 50 Shades Of Grey, but I'm no female head doctor.


For all you British men reading this (I know some of you are, don't be shy, this is therapy dammit!) I defy you to claim that this is false. At some point, I'm sure you've imagined what it would be like to run your own pub. We've all fancied it, if only for the misguided illusion that we can drink beer all day long and get money for it.


I took this outside my favourite pub at the moment, The Rutland Arms.  They always put out a funny sign.



Back before the banking sector was devastated by Moneygeddon in 2008, there were tons of pubs around. There was at least 1 pub for every 5 people in the country. It was a simpler time where the smell of stale ale was an appropriate indoor fragrance. Now, most pubs have shut down, leaving British livers feeling healthier, but slightly redundant.

But this won't do much to dampen the dreams of men.  I've already decided on my pub's name.  Are you ready?  Here it comes:

The Cock And Bulls

That's right.  And it will have a picture outside of two bulls side by side with a cockerel balanced on their backs.  It will be the flagship in my chain of Pun Pubs.  Other pubs will include The Queen's Legs (so you would wait for The Queen's Legs to open to have a drink), and The Bear Arms (in which the locals will shoot at you if you enter).  They'd serve almost anything from the Wychwood Brewery.  When we finally open, I'll invite you all for a pint*.  Cheers!

*The pint will be priced at normal rates.

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By the way, I won an award from the manly folks over at Dude Write!


Thanks to Dude Write and Youngman Brown!  Seriously, go and check them out for some great material written by great dudes.  And the best bit of this award is that I don't need to answer any questions!  Muahahahaha!

22 comments:

  1. Well well done on earning your man card. I'm British and now you've mentioned it I wouldn't mind owning my own pub. I think it really IS the British dream. Oh and if you want to get stereotypical the Japanese dream involves 12 year old girls. I also think that the smoking ban helped destroy the pub industry, not just Moneygeddon.

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    1. I guess being your own boss and the constant supply of alcohol are too irresistible to the British male.

      Also, the Japanese one would probably also feature a boy who looks like a girl. Or a girl who looks like a boy, I'm not sure. A being of unknown gender.

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  2. I think it was the smokling ban not moneygeddon. Even when people are skint they still find a way to drink. Love the pun named pubs. I only have the cock around the corner from me.

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    1. I think it's probably a mixture. I was so skint a couple of years back that there was no way I could afford it. but I reckon the smoking ban didn't help.

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  3. Speaking as an Australian, we have no dreams ... unless it's to finally live down the legacy that Steve Irwin left us with.

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    1. Steve Irwin gets a lot of criticism, but he was a committed environmentalist and passionate about his job.

      Still, he was killed by a stingray.

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  4. Once again you are spot on. The dream of owning a pub was given some serious consideration a while back here are the Hogarts Holiday park.
    We ummed and aahed about it and look at some of the paper work and the cost of running such an establishment and decided to forget it.
    I always thought a good name for a "high end" establishment would be the Perineum. Niche, but classy...y'know?

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    1. I would spent my money at the perineum. We should go into business together.

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  5. I only have two legitimate pubs near me. I frequent them so often that by the time we reach our stools, they've already laid our drinks out for us. It's pretty sad. Other than that, I've got about 40 bars surrounding me.

    I definitely wouldn't mind owning a pub. They're a lot easier to maintain than the bustling atmosphere of a bar. I'd name my pub 'The Gym.' So when men have to tell they're women where they're headed, they can just, "I'm going to The Gym," and their significant other will feel proud of their man while he rifles beers into his belly. Either that, or I'll name it 'Chicken Kiki' because that's such a silly name for a pub.

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    1. The gym sounds like a great name for a pub. Other names could include "fetching dinner" or "present shopping for you".

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  6. Sorry Mr Addman but I have never fancied running a pub, there are two reasons one is I don't drink so I would just get annoyed by happy people being sick in the loo's; and secondly we have friends that run pubs and behind the happy façade of happiness is stress low returns and lots and lots of hard work. And from time to time some rather nasty customers OK that's three reasons now, and I am not a lover of all that chatting to strangers and being nice and would tell them all to ******** ****** ******* OFF. OK that four reasons, there are more but well that's enough for now.

    No I have always fancied a really good recording studio and a little obscure record label although I suspect I would get all grumpy and tell everyone to ******* ******** ******** ******** off. (To tell the truth I tried that once but told everyone to ***** ***** ******** ***************** off)

    Finally well done on the man card...... A man needs a Man Card, It looks like you might get some discount somewhere with a card like that.

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    Replies
    1. You can get 5% off all drinks over 5 feet in height at the perineum.

      Delete
    2. thanks Mr H I might have an orange juice in one of those tall glasses... the five foot ones .... ha ha hah hah hah h aha ha hahh hah hahahh hahh ah

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    3. Don't worry. You start your record label, and when I get my pub, we'll play your music. Unless you turn out to be rubbish ;)

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  7. I couldn't stop giggling about The Cock and Bulls :)

    What about Hopportunity Knocks? Or Hopness Monster? Oh, shoot, that's Scotland so that's not British. But wait, Scotland is in Great Britain, so maybe it is? Although I usually think of them as Irish...but do you call them British, too? I'm so confused now. Nevermind.

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    1. Yes, Scotland is part of Britain. Although don't tell them, it tends to make them angry.

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  8. Rape it til it breaks...so wrong, yet so funny.
    And congrats on receiving your 'Man Card...' why does that also sound wrong?

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    1. Because, my dear, you're at Muppets For Justice. Everything is wrong here! Thanks muchly.

      Delete
  9. I think a guy's dream in America is also to open our own bar. It is more of a so-you-don't-have-to-have-a-real-job type of thing, along with the fact that you can just hire and hang out with your closest friends who have otherwise failed in life.

    Congrats on the Man Card. It is really an honor having you as part of our crew.

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    1. Thank you very much. So, can we use this card to get discount or anything?

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  10. I am a British male! I knew it. It's the perfect business for me as a non-drinker. There would be no drinking my profits away. Imagine how much I would get laid. Seriously, imagine it.

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    1. So you'd have sex on tap, rather than beer. I think that's a brothel you're thinking of.

      Delete

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