Wednesday 25 July 2012

Good Deed Feed


Thank you to the tall, dark, handsome stranger who picked up my handbag when I dropped it on the Tube.  You didn’t need to run off with it though.  Perhaps we can meet for coffee and you can bring it back to me? ~ Infatuated

Thanks to the person who handed in my wallet at lost property.  I was glad to see the condoms were still in there, but did you really have to use them and put them back? ~Disgusted

Cheers to the man in Poundland who didn’t hold the door for me and let it swing back into my face.  That broken nose eventually lead me to an epiphany about the futility of human existence and a desperate suicide attempt. ~Depressed Philosopher

A big shout out to my beautiful girlfriend who rides with me in the carpool lane every morning to avoid the rush hour traffic.  Polythene Penny, you are the perfect woman. ~Early Joe

Thanks mum for your wonderful aim when you gave me an adrenaline shot directly into my heart.  I’m glad you were around when I nearly OD’ed in the living room.  Now I’m glad I didn’t sell your reading glasses for crack. ~Revived

I want to say thanks to the kind lady who does my home help.  I apologise for the loud queef during my last sponge bath. ~Ashamed Granny

Don't queef near me again, or it's tumble time!


Much love for my wonderful lady friend. You always stick with me through thick and thin.  I love you more than words could possibly describe.  If we were in a human caterpillar, I’d be right behind you. ~Snuff Fan

Hearty thanks to the fellow at the coffee stand at the train station.  You put urine in my frappe, just how Martha used to make it.  The foam moustache was simply to die for.  Same again tomorrow? ~Secret Lemonade Drinker

Thanks to the producers of Magic Mike.  That movie made my ovaries clang like a Newton’s Cradle. ~Yummy Mummy

A massive thank you to the masked vigilante who stopped the baby carriage just as it was about to roll into the path of a speeding car.  You handed me the baby safe and sound.  Now, if I could just find its actual mother, perhaps I could be a superhero too.  Seriously, when you start a job, see it through!  Don’t just palm it off on me and expect me to sort it all out. ~Adoptive Mother

Kudos to all the cultists who put their time and effort into last week’s mass suicide.  Sorry I didn’t join you, but the poison was in the punch, and I hate punch.  By the way, the nibbles you all bought were tremendous. ~Pact-Man

Thank you very much.  Thank you very much.  That’s the nicest thing that anyone’s ever done for me. ~Scrooge


26 comments:

  1. These comfirmed my faith in humanity!... especially that Granny one!

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    1. I think queefs are natures way of telling that life can and should be fun.

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  2. Hmmmm...if letting the door break someone's nose is the only thing it takes to produce a suicide attempt, I have a couple people I need to hold the door for (let slam in face of)

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    1. There was a famous philosopher who once said "when life closes a door, squeeze lemons" or something to that effect. I think he's saying that you should squeeze lemons into the eyes of your enemies.

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  3. Wow, I should use those for my "Everyday Heroes" segment the third Wednesday of the month.

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    1. Oh, sorry if I'm treading on your toes, I'm not trying to rip you off. I got the idea from The Metro. They have a good deed feed where people text in about random acts of kindness that have happened to them.

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  4. Shit. Sorry everyone, I meant to set this as a draft rather than publish it. Apologies if it is a tad rough. Since people are already commenting, I'll leave it up, so you get an extra post this week.

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  5. Thank you very much for the Aintree Iron, thank you very much, thank you very very very much Thank you very MUCH ...... Mr Addman

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    1. No no no, thank you for reminding me of that song. I wish I'd included it.

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  6. Why does the poison always have to be int he punch? Why can't they just bake into some brownies or something?

    Good to see that there are still wonderful people in this world, though.

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    1. Yeah, I wish cultists would mix it up a bit. Maybe it's in the cake, maybe it's in the sandwiches. Variety is the spice of life.

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  7. These are pretty damn fun and you have me wondering now if a superhero has ever dropped a kid off with the wrong adult.

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    1. Let's just hope they've never left them with notorious paedophiles.

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  8. Thanks very much to the makers of Jeremy Kyle for giving me a reason to do something (anything) else in the mornings.

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    1. If Jeremy Kyle was on throughout the day, I think employment rates would dramatically increase.

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  9. Polythene Penny? I think I dated her back in the 70's. Next time she's awake (inflated) ask her if she remembers me.

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    1. Yes, she remembers you. She said you're the best she's ever had, but in the end you let her down.

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  10. Ovaries clanging and granny queefs. This was a special special post.
    "Thank you for not calling your pimp on me and pretending that you like me at business events so that people don't realize I'm a pathetic loner who can't ask out a normal non-sex-worker." ~ Richard Gere.

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    1. Wow, never thought I'd see a reference to Pretty Woman on here. I applaud you.

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  11. The condom remark made me laugh out aloud. It also made me lol.

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    1. I hate the thought of all that latex just going to landfills and sitting there. It's a shame nobody has come up with a reusable condom yet.

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  12. The one from the adoptive mother reminds of this bit from SGT. Frog. In it, there is a child that keeps referring to a lady as 'mother,' to which the lady replies, "I am not your mother, you're only with me until I get the ransom money." It made me laugh, and it gave me...ideas.

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    1. I had to Google SGT. Frog. I'm not usually much of an anime fan, but if it's a comedy I'll give it a try. To YouTube!

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  13. very nice post thank you addman

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