Friday 17 August 2012

Robot Music


After looking at the charts for the first time in about 10 years, I came to a startling realisation.  Computers appear to be solely responsible most types of sonic output these days.  Music is no longer the domain meaty fleshbags, not since the advent of Autotune, synthesisers, and Japanese emotion cuboids.  If this is where the music industry is headed, how long will it be until our favourite recording artists are replaced by robots?

I started to envisage a world in which music is composed entirely by our electronic counterparts.  Can you imagine your how your favourite songs would have turned out had they instead been composed through the cold, artificial logic of a machine?  Let’s make that a reality.  See if you can guess these pop songs as covered by robots:

Robo-Katy Perry:  Less sexy, more talented


1.    IF YOU GAIN ENJOYMENT FROM IT THEN YOU SHOULD PLACE A MATRIMONAL FINGER TOKEN ON IT

2.    STRIKE ME INFANT!  REPEAT TRANSACTION!

3.    WEEKEND WEEKEND I AM EXHIBITING HUMAN JOY FOR WEEKEND

4.    I WILL ALLOW YOU TO SHELTER FROM METEOROLOGICAL PHENOMENA

5.    I HAVE 99 STOP COMMANDS BUT A FEMALE CANINE IS UNRELATED TO THIS ERROR

6.    GO FEMALE IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY.  WE WILL INSTALL THE LATEST DRIVERS LIKE IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY

7.    STOP ERROR: 0x0000000 IF THIS IS THE FIRST TIME YOU HAVE SEEN THIS ERROR REBOOT AND TRY HAMMER TIME AGAIN

8.    THEY TRIED TO RESET ME TO FACTORY DEFAULTS BUT I SAID NO NO NO

9.    AND AFTER ALL YOU ARE AN EXCEPTIONAL SUPPORTING WALL

10.  HELLO?  IS THIS THE DROID YOU’RE LOOKING FOR?

11.  MY CPU IS OVERHEATING IN HERE SO REMOVE YOUR OUTERCASING

12.  TODAY I DON’T EVEN FEEL LIKE BOOTING UP

13.  LIFE IS A MISSING FILE EVERYONE MUST STAND ALONE I HEAR YOU CALL MY MONIKER AND IT FEELS LIKE \\192.168.0.1

Answers:

1.    Beyonce – Single Ladies
2.    Britany Spears – Hit Me Baby One More Time
3.    Rebecca Black – Friday
4.    Rhianna – Umbrella
5.    Jay Z – 99 Problems
6.    50 Cent – In Da Club
7.    MC Hammer – Hammer Time
8.    Amy Winehouse – Rehab
9.    Oasis – Wonderwall
10.  Lionel Ritchie – Hello
11.  Nelly - Hot In Here
12.  Bruno Mars – Lazy Song
13.  Madonna – Like A Prayer


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I apologise if today's post isn't very funny or amazing.  I have a holiday coming up shortly, so I'm busy preparing something much more substantial to keep you all busy while I'm away.  

If you feel short changed by this post and want something funny to read, fear not!  I have a new Twitter account called Ollie The Pigeon.  It's basically me, pretending to be a pigeon and trying to be funny (as opposed to me pretending to be a muppet and trying to be funny).  If you have a Twitter account and want to witness my witticisms, please follow me. @olliethepigeon .  Be warned, Ollie can be pretty filthy sometimes.

24 comments:

  1. Oh my Lord. I laughed up a kidney, half a lung and a section of my colon reading this!
    Bloody brilliant!! *Bows head in reverence*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, can I borrow those organs if you're not using them? I promise not to sell them on the black market or anything.

      Seriously, thanks. Means a lot.

      Delete
  2. OMG!TFF! And should I beware of pigeon-poo. Is that what you meant by filthy?

    Shelly

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Pigeon poo, and the fact that he's liable to describe how it feels to be bummed by a tramp. So, filthy all round I guess?

      Delete
  3. Hilarious! Love all of your title remixes in techno style. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I imagine them to be done in a Kraftwerk style. In fact, I'd imagine the track is exactly the same for each song, it's just different lyrics.

      Delete
  4. If this is a post you consider "not very funny" then I should quit the comedy blogging game. 'Twas quite the hilarious post!

    An unidentified user has accessed my CPU. Input numerical command, perhaps?
    -"Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepson

    There's my attempt.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're too kind, considering it's almost identical to the one I gave you that time. I was worried that you might actually be pretty pissed off about it.

      Nice attempt. Instead of "Call Me Maybe", it should be called "Call Accepted By Host".

      Delete
  5. No, fuck you for even qualifying this post with an excuse, this was hilarious. Yeah, it may seem to you like you were phoning it in, but that was really really funny. I can't even pick a favorite. Maybe you were freed by the pressure of having to come up with something and the inspiration manifested in one of the funniest posts I've read today. Dammit, that's good stuff. See how much you made me curse? That's how good this is.
    By the way, @Pickleope

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow...thanks. I feel like I've been told off, but I'm happy about it. I feel slightly aroused now...

      Delete
  6. I agree that this was an amazing post for someone who admits they weren't trying.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I think it is disturbing when the robots get all over sexed and start moaning about "inputs" and "001010001101 01010 001 01", that filth needs a parental warning sticker.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha. Not to mention when they start talking about their floppy/hard drives.

      Delete
  8. You see people like it when you get the BIT between the teeth

    HAH HAHAH HHAHAH HHAh hah ahh ah hah ah hah ahhah ahh ah hah ahah hhah hahah ha hahhah hah.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you're getting stuck with little BITS, maybe you should take larger BYTES.

      Ahem...a little computer joke there.

      Delete
  9. In my head all those song titles sound like they were said by the freaky little robot from Perfect Match. I'm pretty sure that means you did something right.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I imagine them all to be read out by the most fascist of robots, the daleks.

      Delete
  10. I only got eight of them! I'll blame it on exhaustion.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd say eight is pretty good. In fact, I doubt I'd even get eight, and I wrote the damn thing!

      Delete
  11. How useless am I? I only knew the hammer time one but was graciously thankful when I saw the answers at the bottom. Thankyou and thnkyou.

    ReplyDelete
  12. In other news, I am now following @olliethepigeon under the cloak and dagger name of @sinkingshipprod_uk which is a rather useless twitter account because i mainly twat rather than tweet.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good lad, I'm following you back. We can twat together!

      Delete

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