Friday 19 October 2012

YOLO

You only live once.  Unless you happen to be James Bond, in which case you only live twice.  Or is that how many times the postman rings?  Now I've just confused myself.

What I am sure of is that I am sick and tired of seeing the acronym YOLO everywhere.  It stands for You Only Live Once, and is used mainly by morons to justify their reckless behaviour.

“I’ve just downed half a bottle of Jack, six tequila slammers and several shots of Domestos.  Now I’m going to drive on the opposite side of the road while Tweeting about it.  YOLO!”

I wish someone would throw a sandwich at me while screaming YOLO.  I missed lunch today.


I understand the sentiment.  You only have one shot at life so you should do the things which make you happy.  I don’t think anyone would deny you that right, unless you can only achieve true happiness through the molestation of mountain goats.  But what I don’t understand is why people use YOLO as a disclaimer for any monumentally stupid actions which may shorten their own lives, or the lives of others.  People seem to believe that simply saying YOLO gives you a get out of jail free card for when you inevitably set yourself on fire and run screaming into a fireworks factory.

In my opinion, the fact that you only live once is the perfect reason why you should try and protect yourself.  Don’t do things that will shorten your lifespan.  Once you’re dead, you’re dead and there’s no coming back from that. Well, not unless your name is Jesus or you have contracted the T virus.

This is why you should think twice before performing a death-jump into a chasm with only a "parachute"(AKA thin piece of material) stopping you from smashing into a thousand pieces on jagged rocks.  YOLO isn't a disclaimer for your irresponsible activity; it’s a reason for why you probably shouldn't do that stupid thing you fancy doing.

A more appropriate use of the acronym would be:

“ I'm staying inside today.  It’s windy and I'm scared that I’ll be blown into an open manhole.  YOLO!”

You Obviously Like Orgasms


As a result of the YOLO phenomenon, I’m seriously considering adopting this phrase as an excuse for my overly cautious lifestyle.  I plan to approach people in smoking shelters, snatch the cigarette from their hands and say “Smoking causes cancer.  YOLO!”.  If I see an obese person cramming their third burger patty into their inflated maw, I’m going to slap the cheesy death bomb from their bulbous fingers while screaming “YOLO!  YOLO!”  Jaywalkers will be tackled to the pavement in the name of YOLO.

Failing that, I’ll just come up with alternative meanings for the acronym and drop them into conversation.  “YOLO?  Oh, you mean Yetis Out Live Orang-utans!  Why yes, I do believe you are correct, although science has yet to announce anything official on the matter”.

This is where I open the doors to you, my dear readers.  Do you have any suggestions for what YOLO could alternatively stand for?

36 comments:

  1. Diving straight in with the possibility of a law suit against me for untruths I'm going to stick my neck out with this little gem....
    .
    .
    Yoko Ono Likes Oranges.

    Don't sue me Yoko....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you want to get sued by a celebrity, you need to make it offensive. How about - Yoko Ono Loves Oral. That's giving, not receiving. Enjoy your lawsuit!

      Delete
    2. Everyone knows Yoko loves Oral. What most people don't know is what Yoko DOES with those oranges. Lets put it this way, I wouldn't use a toilet seat after she's finished with an orange. It's pure bloody filth.

      FILTH I SAID!

      Delete
    3. So never accept a peeled orange from Yoko? I wondered why she hosted so many fruit-orientated dinner parties.

      Delete
  2. I'm with you. It shouldn't be used to justify stupid behaviour it should be used to encourage non-stupid behaviour. As for alternatives for what it means, You Once Licked Orifices, Yes Ontario Likes Ohio, and I should just stop because these are awful.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like You Once Liked Orifices. It's funny 'cos it's true...too much info?

      Delete
  3. My personal gripe is with people who say "no offence" after offending you, like it gives them a get out of jail free card to say hurtful things.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree with that, but even worse are the people who say "none taken" before they even know what they are not taking offence to.

      Delete
  4. Yolo is how I answer my phone...or is it olo? Whatever. I just know that when I answer my phone it ends in the "o" sound.

    YOLO- Your only loose orifice

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe you mean "hola", which is Spanish for "talk to me".

      Delete
  5. There was a news article--am I'm ashamed this made me laugh-- that a teen was updating his Twitter statuses while driving drunk with tweets like, "Out drunk driving with the homie. YOLO!" And then he drove into a wall and died. I hate myself for thinking this is just, but come on!

    Anyway, I always thought the same thing. If you only live once, why perform activities that are detrimental to your health?

    You should turn this piece into an awareness campaign.

    YOLO - Yummy Oblong Lemur Organs

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I reckon that's kind of funny. Perhaps he was a scientist trying to prove the theory You Only Live Once. Test results conclusive.

      Delete
  6. Hilarious! I'll have to get back at ya I can't even think because of laughing so hard. I think it would funny if you sharpied the word Life on a T-Shirt, and the word yolo on lemons and stood on a crowded street passing them out. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm trying to discern the message. When life gives you lemons, don't kill yourself?

      Delete
  7. Yanking On Lama Organs.
    I like the idea of using it for mundane activities. "Off to take a nap, YOLO!"
    Yammering Over Left Overs (what it's like at my house whenever my parents visit).
    Yams Obscure Lady Ovaries (doesn't make much sense, but neither really does the original definition).
    Yesterday Our Labias were Ostracized (now I'm just stretching)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Some good suggestions. Any acronym that includes the word "labia" is a winner in my book. Perhaps Yesterday Our Labias were Oscillating is appropriate for female masturbation.

      Delete
  8. Youth Out Live Oldies . . . . in other words if you are young don't be a *****

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can't argue with that. But where does Benjamin Button fit into this equation?

      Delete
  9. I have thought of another one . . . . .Young Obnoxiousness Little Oiks . . . . this allows you to agree as they shout YOLO at you. You can then shout back with a big thumbs up "YOLO but keep it short, thanks".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Young Obnoxious Little Oiks . . . . I am not sure where the hell the ness came from.

      Delete
    2. It sounds like it came fresh from the retirement home.

      "Maude! There's a bunch of YOLOs on my lawn again!"

      Delete
  10. Replies
    1. Technically that's YOLA, but since I'm not pedantic, I won't be pointing that out.

      Delete
  11. Replies
    1. Nice. But remember, abuse of little opiates can lead to abuse of big opiates.

      Delete
  12. Yeltsin Officiates Loosening Orifices. I think that just about says it all, ladies and gents. This makes me happy, as I have a hard time inserting Boris Yeltsin into either my writing or conversation. Thank you for this opportunity. The "Committee For The Resurrection of Boris Yeltsin" thanks you as well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ahh, how I miss the Yeltsin years. Dance! Dance for democracy!

      Delete
  13. Yolo is the idiot's repudiation of Darwinism
    your oblong lover's orifice
    yawning over lame oddities
    yanking on lovely obedients

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yanking On Lovely Obedients sounds a little kinky if you ask me.

      Delete
  14. Yodeling Orangutans Lustfully Orated
    Yummy Oodles Leave O-rings

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Loving Yodeling Orangutans Lustfully Orated. If only there were an excuse to drop this into casual conversation.

      Delete
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