Monday 14 October 2013

Yet Another Brain Shit

Hello everyone and welcome to an all new Brain Shit.  For those who haven't read a Brain Shit before, I basically go ahead and write without an agenda and put down the first things that spring to mind.  The only editting I've done is spelling corrections and the addition of a picture.  Please enjoy my unrestrained bollocks:

-------------

I’ve been thinking lately about obtaining a parrot.  I don’t want to spend a lot of money, so I’m just going to put glue on my shoulder and wait for one to land on me.  Parrots seem to like landing on shoulders, and glue seems like the best way to snare them.  I’ve caught plenty of pets through similar methods.

I once lassoed a snake which was quite a spectacular feat, and I earned a reputation as the best snake wrangler in town.  This feat was made even more amazing by the fact that there are no snakes where I live.  In the end, it turned out that I caught another piece of rope, but I refused to give back my badge and trophy.  I am still on the run from the law over this misunderstanding.

During my time on the run I’ve learned to fend for myself.  I’ve seen that Bear Grylls chap before, so I know a thing or two about survival.  For example, if you fall into freezing water, the best to keep yourself warm is to strip naked and roll around in the snow.  If it’s not snowing, just roll around the vegetable drawer of your fridge until you’re suitably warmed up.  In fact, I believe that is the Bear Grylls solution to any problem, to strip naked.  If you get attacked by a bear, get naked.  If you are lost at sea, get naked.  If you find yourself without any clothes, get naked.  When I tried this on Clapham high street and was promptly arrested, to which my solution was to get even more naked.  I suddenly developed alopecia while I was lead to the police car.

I mentioned Clapham high street there even though I have never been.  I think it’s on my mind because I watched a programme about a fried chicken shop.  It’s supposed to be a documentary about people who go and purchase fried chicken, however, I noticed that several of the customers had microphones when they walked in.  The show’s producers had obviously chosen people specifically to go in and get chicken so they’d have something interesting to film.  I was planning on making a visit myself to see if I got on the show, but considering their usual clientele consists of 60 year old transvestites who criticise people’s dress sense, I don’t think I’ll get chosen.  Only the chosen few may purchase chicken from this establishment.  It’s the most elitist fast food restaurant in the country.



Speaking of chicken, I went to an all you can eat buffet at the weekend called Cosmos.  It served food from all around the world.  There was Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Thai, Italian, British, Vietnamese, Brazillian and I’m sure there are a couple more cuisines available.  The food was actually quite nice, although I did get a touch of food poisoning from something.  I don’t which country to blame my dysentery on.  It wasn’t British for a change as I didn’t eat anything from there.  I get enough chips at home.

I’ve always wanted to travel the world and try different foods.  However, I’m not a huge seafood fan.  I’d basically like to travel the world and try all the different ways they cook chicken.  I’m kind of picking on the chickens.  That’s because a flock of hens once pecked my father to death.  He’s alright now, but it traumatised me as a child.  I went straight into KFC and began a war on poultry.  The Colonel is a good man who wants to destroy all evil avian life, and I want to support him.

This post is very bird-centric at the moment, so let’s talk about alligators instead.  I don’t especially like alligators but I thought it was nice change of topic.  Perhaps we should talk about monkeys instead.  Everyone loves monkeys.  Monkeys are like us but we keep them in cages and peer at them and make them sell teabags.  That’s all I have to say on the matter.

In fact, that’s all I have to say on every matter that ever mattered.  Let us close all discussion and just bask in the infinite silence.  At least until I want to say something again.  Goodbye.

----------

If you enjoyed that, I encourage you to read other Brain Shits like this one, this one, and definitely this one.

24 comments:

  1. Your show idea sounds good, but it's not long before you run out of chicken breast and thigh and wing and end up at gizzard and feet and raw internal organs. Also, is there any bigger f-you to nature than owning a bird? "Yeah, see this? I took an animal at home soaring through the skies and locked it in this cage. Pretty great, right?" Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get naked now and roll around in my vegetable drawer.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's not a show idea, it's an actual real show. This is how bad British reality television is:

      http://www.channel4.com/programmes/the-fried-chicken-shop

      Notice how to write up for the show says it's "a unique portrait of contemporary life".

      Delete
  2. That was...that was pretty surreal. You do need a parrot. Everyone needs a parrot. If you get one make sure that it stays there. Is a programme about a fried chicken shop an actual thing? That just seems like such a strange thing to do a programme on. Unless it was an expose on KFC kinda like Supersize Me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, that programme is a real thing, as evidenced in that link I just gave Pickleope above. I wish it wasn't, but it is.

      If I manage to snare a parrot I will make sure it stays there by hammer nails into it's feet/my shoulder.

      Delete
  3. Don't forget - Bear Grylls also says to pee on yourself. Then drink your pee. Then when you roll around naked and cut yourself, pee on the wound. Pee fixes everything. If you'd have peed on your dad after all those hen pecks, he'd still be alive. Bear Grylls knows all. Stay safe, fellow survivor!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes, I forgot about his penchant for urine.

      Did you hear that Bear Grylls has become a chief scout? I imagine the scouts has just become a lair of nudity and piss since then.

      Delete
  4. Replies
    1. Hell, Kentucky Fried Generic Bird Meat will do for now.

      Delete
  5. Yeah, I don't know that Bear Grylls is an appropriate role model. The only thing I really remember about him was that he got naked on a raft in the middle of the ocean and gave himself an enema with fetid water. I'm still not sure if it was an attempt at shocking the audience or a really specific fetish.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Did he explain why he gave himself an enema, or did he just fancy it? Either way, I don't think I want to attend one of his survival classes.

      Delete
  6. I think it all went wrong from the start Mr Addman, I realize that with no snakes about your knowledge of snakes is limited and I admit I am no expert on snakes, but snakes do not have spectacular feat in fact they don't really have any feet, even less than slugs and snails who just have the one. People underestimate slugs and snails they are rather active little critters bearing in mind they have one foot and they never fall over.

    Don't try that trick with the glue; it is OK if a parrot lands on you during the day, but should you make the mistake of going to bed at night you will wake up with a pillow on your shoulder . . . . Yes you can paint a nice face on it and it is full of feathers and you might even get it to say WHOSE A PRETTY PILLOW THEN (no not mad . . I have heard talk of pillow talk) but you will find you are deaf in one ear due to it being full of pillow and you will end up in hospital as just another pillow case........

    Well done and I will also bask in your infinite silence. (PS . . . . is that a long time as I have much to do)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Pillow talk...that's incredible. Thank you for this amazing comment.

      Delete
  7. I had a bird. Well, my father had a bird. Well, he has a bird. It's an African Grey parrot. We actually bring her to buffets. She's good at critiquing foods that are claimed to be of African origin. He seems to have a knack for it despite being born in the US.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So how many African buffets do you have round your way? I'm interested in trying it. If I go in disguise as a parrot, will I get a discount?

      Delete
  8. Glue dries fast, and because I really want you to have the parrot of your dreams, I suggest velcro. The fuzzy side. That way when it lands on your shoulder, it's talons will get caught in the fuzz and you'll then have time to catch it and then glue the other side to it's feet. You're welcome.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good points. I'm going to try a glue shoulder and a velcro shoulder and see which works best. I'm also putting duct tape on my knees, but that's another story...

      Delete
  9. Dude. Parrots are the most awesome pets ever. I own three. 2 green ones. Dunno what their breed is bit they're regular kinda parrots. And then there's a Congo African grey. They're adorable. And they talk all day. Hard to shut em up. But I love em.

    Talking about chickens. I hate em and the smell is aweful. The best meat is lamb or beef. Though most days I'm a vegetarian but whenever I am not chicken isn't my first choice.

    Oh and btw, before I forget. This was a good light post. I completely got lost into my parrot praise and almost missed telling you that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. It would seem that you are something of a parrot expert, so I wonder if you can answer a quick question for me:

      At what level does a parakeet evolve into a parrot?

      Delete
    2. What does a Parakeet . . . . . . . . . Bird Seed. . . . . . . . . . .HA AHHAH HAH HAH AH HA HHAH HAH AH HAH AH HA HAH AH HA HA HAH AH AH AH HAH AHA HA H AHA Hha ha ha ha ha ha

      Delete
  10. I think, I think that would be when the heavens are on fire :p

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Surely using fire would evolve it into a Phoenix?

      Delete
  11. Unfortunately I can't take that risk. Although I agree a Phoenix is far better a bird and it's healing tears sure can come in handy but there's too much at stake.

    ReplyDelete

Leave me a nice comment or die trying.