Monday 27 January 2014

Chinese Proverbs

History is a wonderful topic.  Learning about how your culture evolved over time, the historic events that created and destroyed empires, and about the famous people who shaped the course of human development is interesting.  But should we hold up the writings of our ancestors as immortal, incorruptible words of wisdom?

Progress moves on unabated.  You only need to go back a few hundred years to find people who thought the Earth was flat (in fact, just search the Flat Earth Society and you’ll find those people are still around), which we now realise is completely and utterly fucking stupid.  What a bunch of idiots! So why do we hold the words of a 2000 year old tome up as the default guide for moral living, which was written when slavery, rape, and poverty were rife?  In a similar fashion, why the hell do people still pay attention to Chinese proverbs?

When you break open a fortune cookie and unravel the little piece of paper, expecting to receive the life-altering advice that you’ve waited 27 years for, and instead you get “A book is like a garden carried in the pocket”, you’ve every right to sue the cookie company for gross negligence.  If you sit down and analyse any proverb seriously, you’ll realise just how blatantly moronic it really is.  I have some examples that I would like to share, complete with a full-spectrum analysis:



Proverb:  A bird does not sing because it has answers, a bird sings because it has a song.

Actually, they’re singing for mating rights and territory.  While bird song may sound melodious to us, in sparrowspeak they’re actually cracking wise about each other’s fat mommas, or methodically describing how they will kill, skin and cannibalise any babies that are not genetically related.  I imagine that Dr Dolittle was slowly driven insane from listening to the degrading filth that is spewed when two mallards start bumping uglies.

Proverb:  A book holds a house of gold.

Is that so?  Because I just got off the phone with the Royal Institute of British Architects and they told me that books, even architecture books, are not a suitable substitute for building materials.  Books get soggy in wet weather, which can make buildings structurally unsafe, especially ones made of gold.

Proverb:  A filthy mouth will not utter decent language.

This is all subjective.  I find that swear words can be arranged in an aurally pleasing, almost poetic manner.  For example, take the phrase “Twat turbine” or “Cock-Loaded Cum Gumbo”.  While not exactly Shakespeare, these examples that I just made up certainly beat reading a Dan Brown novel in terms of poise and structure.

Proverb:  Do not employ handsome servants

Now this one I can get on board with if those servants are also serving your significant other, especially if your SO has a history of playing away with handsome servants.  However, not employing someone based solely on their looks is tantamount to discrimination, and there’s no tribunal in the Western world that wouldn’t sue your arse off.  Also, who doesn’t like being waited on by attractive members of the opposite sex?  I tried to build my entire lifestyle around that premise, until all my servants decided that they wanted to be paid.

Proverb:  Don’t open a shop unless you like to smile

This doesn’t really apply if you open an e-shop.

Proverb:  He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who doesn’t ask is a fool for a lifetime

Not since the advent of Wikipedia.

Proverb:  If you bow at all, bow low.

That is fantastic advice for people with back conditions.  What about people with a poor centre of balance?  Bowing low would cause those people to fall forwards and crack their skulls.  The ancient Chinese were obviously not very tolerant of any kind of disability.  Besides, this proverb seems to suggest that there is no option for a little bow.  You could not bow and be incredibly rude, or bow so low you are effectively offering yourself as a footstool.  According to the Chinese, there’s no middle ground that can be given.  They don’t have a word for “cheers mate”.

So there you have it, conclusive proof that ancient history was full of absent-minded simpletons.  It’s rather amazing that we’ve made it this far as a species.

20 comments:

  1. Isn't "Twat Turbine" was a Michael Crichton novel...or maybe a John Clancy novel with "Jack Ryan" in it. I think this is proof of why you won't find fortune cookies in China. Are these actual Chinese proverbs or white people approximations of Eastern wisdom?

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    1. Well I found them on a website which lists Chinese proverbs, so in all honesty they could have just been made up by Westeners. The Chinese probably attribute these preposterous sayings to us.

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  2. "If you bow at all, bow low," sounds like it could be the title of an obscene rap song about club dancing. "If you bow at all, you bow low. Make yo' boobies brush on down to the flo'. (echo: to the flo')."

    But, I quite enjoy the fortunes with improper grammar. They can be pretty hilarious. Therefore, I guess we can all learn something from fortune cookies. We can learn how to laugh! *roll credits*

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    1. Ahhh, now I understand what Lil Jon's seminal hit Get Low was about. I thought he was just encouraging people to move to areas below sea level.

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  3. Well to me Chinese proverbs are really just Tumblr before there was a Tumblr. Almost every one of those proverbs has probably been repeated millions of times, by tens of girls (they say those things a LOT) on there. Those poor poor Chinese wise people.

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    1. You're probably right. Wise philosophers in years past never quite envisioned their works being spread around Facebook with the tagline "u ok hun?"

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  4. Bowing low is probably the worst thing you can do. Last time I was about to Kung Fu fight this guy I started by bowing so low he thought I was offering him fellatio. And, well, things just got weird after that.

    Also, I gave you your first American Amazon review and popped your Amazon cherry. Enjoy. Also, do get yourself tested. I've left many, MANY reviews before. Without protection.

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    1. I love that review, thank you very much. I only hope your words are true. In fact, don't tell me, I'll just pretend to myself that you meant it.

      Seriously though, thank you.

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  5. My favorite Chinese proverb is: Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it. Loved this post.

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    1. Thanks, I hope this post is exactly what you wished for.

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  6. I can only respond to the words with the words I have to hand, although I have two hands

    A blog may hold many wise words but there order makes them wiser.
    He who sits with the pigeon will see the sun in a packet of bird seed.
    The frog may leap from the lily pad but may not land in the pond.
    A wise man will always say he is not a wise man
    The bicycle will thrill its rider down hill, but will still need chaining to the station railings.
    Man can make a rope ladder but a monkey can climb a tree.
    A qwerty keyboard will will always revert to type when used to respond to proverbs.
    A man must always leave when he says farewell

    farewell
    DAMN I better go

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    1. Do you write for the fortune cookie company? If not, you should.

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    2. All fortune cookie proverbs taste the same in the dark. Only a light can change there meaning.
      The crow rests while the bat flies
      A man can have to many proverbs
      AH DAMN.

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  7. I once got a fortune cookie that said "You will be getting new clothes" The scary thing is that about nine months later I bought some new clothes. Spooky.

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    1. That reminds me of the time I read my horoscope, and it said "you will have to make a decision regarding your love life in the near future". Lo and behold, 6 months later, I had to decide which Valentine's card to buy. Uncanny.

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  8. I have a new postman who is Chinese and so everyday I like to pretend he brings me Confucius style bills and Mrs H's TV magazine because I am absolutely NOT racialist at all and should know better. It's not until he waves goodbye (he actually does this) and I open the letters I realise that life is still the empty dark cloud of hatred and fear as it always was and will be..... the cheery bastard.

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    1. You have been working with the public too long Mr H

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    2. I agree, the public have made you bitter and twisted. You're in such a dark place that you can't engage in a cheery postal worker encounter without the dark thoughts creeping in. There's only one thing you can to improve the situation; kill everyone. Leave no one alive.

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  9. I remember this time I got a Chinese proverb that said, "Idiot! We're not Chinese, we're Mexican. This is a taco, not a fortune cookie. Also, you're an idiot. Also, also, this is toilet paper and not a fortune. Also, also, also, this is all in your head." Those Chinese; they're so wise.

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    1. I'm utterly stunned at how profound that is. The next time I find toilet paper in a taco, I'll think back to these wise words and feel uplifted. Right after I finish picking flecks of turd out of my teeth.

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