Friday 15 June 2012

The Freshest Essay Ever


Now I'm not not one blow my own trumpet (I couldn't afford the operation), but there is one event in my life in which I allow myself to boast a bit..   

Back in the olden days when people danced to the Nokia ringtone, and when Big Brother was still a social experiment, I was studying for my A Levels. My favourite was English Language which taught me about the formation of language, coinage of words, how to use language to its maximum effect, that kind of stuff. One of the modules was a creative writing essay which I especially relished. I scored 86/90 on it, which pretty much shits on an A grade. They almost gave me a super A, until the examiners realised that no such mark exists. 

Anyway, I thought I'd reproduce my masterwork here and let you see for yourselves how great it is:

Now this is a story all about how the events of my life were, as my streetwise peers would say, "flipped, turned upside down".  I would like to take minute of your time, so ensure you're sitting comfortably, as I regale you with the tale of how I transcended to an almost Monarch-esque stature in a town called Bel Air.
I used to reside on the Western side of the city of Philadelphia. You could say that I was born and raised there, since that's what I was. On a playground is where I spent most of days, to the point where I was far too old and it was a little inappropriate. I used to "chill out max and relax all cool", and participate in impromptu games of basketball outside of the school. Then a couple of local scoundrels with dangerous intent, started making trouble in my neighbourhood. This escalated into a minor scuffle in which I was mildly injured, causing my mother to fear for my safety. She was scared so she made arrangements for me move in with my auntie and uncle in Bel Air.
I begged and pleaded with her for days upon days, but she was undeterred as she relentless threw my clothes in a suitcase and sent me on my way.  After giving me a bittersweet peck on the cheek to try and allay my fears that I had fallen out of her favour, she gave me my plane ticket.  As I grew resigned to this rejection, I put on my walkman and thought "I might as well kick it" (the situation that is, not the walkman.  A walkman is an expensive piece of equipment and should never be kicked). 
I sat in the relative luxury of first class, which was so good it was bad, as my peers would describe it.  I ordered a glass of orange juice and sipped it finely from a champaign glass.  At this point I was still under the legal age to drink, and the cabin crew had refused my request for a lager cocktail.  As I reclined in my seat, I pondered to myself if this is what the people of Bel Air live like.  Hmmmm, this might be alright.
When I touched down I whistled for a cab (or taxi, if you struggle to understand my lingo). As it approached, screeching to a halt near the curb, I noticed several peculiar things about the vehicle. Firstly, the license plate said "Fresh", and there were fluffy dice on the mirror. If anything I would say that this cab was rare, but I dismissed it, climbed, and yelled in an obnoxiously excited manner "yo home, to Bel Air!"
I arrived at my uncle's property around 7:00 or 8:00 (frankly, I was too excited by those fluffy dice to correctly recall my exact arrival time), and I yelled to the cabbie "yo holmes, smell you later!". He wasn't phased. He'd had an entire journey to come to terms with my blatant lack of manners. I surveyed what was soon to be my kingdom and realised that I was finally there, I would sit on my throne as the prince of Bel Air.

All events portrayed in this story are 100% true, as much as the material is 100% original.

A copycat who read my essay

18 comments:

  1. Surely you should be reimbursed millions in royalties for coming up with the basis of 'The Fresh Prince of Belair' theme song. Not to mention launching Will Smiths Career.

    On a different note a child hood isn't complete without watching this series.

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    1. I tried to sue, but I was laughed out of court. I assume that was down to the clown suit that I was wearing. Otherwise, my case was watertight.

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  2. If anything could be portrayed a violent in sports, it comes from Philly. But there's nothing like a REAL cheese-steak sammich, yo. Every time I land in Philly (via coach) me and my kicks head to the kiosk and order one up. I've since learned not to wear my Dallas Cowboys jersey in Philly...the hard way.

    As for Bel Air, it's bad ass, but I prefer the luxury and people of La Jolla in San Diego. Besides, there's some pretty good surfing there as well.

    So have you ever been back to Philly? lol

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    1. I went back once and found out that everyone had started calling me "Chicken Will" because I ran from a fight. My name isn't even Will!

      It sounds like you've been around. Do you know the way to San Jose?

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  3. Replies
    1. Straight up. I can't understand why I've never won an award for it.

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  4. Bah, copyright laws were not what the are today, unfortunately.

    Anyway, did you happen to run into a Detective Axel Foley and Haru the Beverly Hills Ninja? I heard their lives were stolen by Hollywood as well. Where's the justice in this world?

    I applaud you for documenting your fascinating life. I can see why it was sought out to be a sitcom.

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    1. Thanks. My ideas get stolen all the time. I also wrote the original pilot episode for Friends. Chandler was originally a dog, and there was supposed to be a friendship wheel in the corner of screen which told you who was angry/awkward with whom at any given time.

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    2. Man, I like your version much more. If he was a dog, his jokes would be better. And that friendship wheel is genius.

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    3. Thanks, I might pitch the idea to a few TV execs. It'll be a British version called Mates. I think the part of Ross should be played by Martin Clunes.

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  5. Damn my loose pelvic floor muscles. Damn you for making me laugh so hard, that it brought to my attention that I had loose pelvic floor muscles.

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    1. There are two solutions to this. Either you do some pelvic floor exercises, or I try to be less funny.

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  6. You know who would really appreciate this? Uncle Phil.

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    1. Uncle Phil is my favourite character. I'm surprised his self esteem wasn't utterly destroyed by Will's incessant fat jokes. Not to mention his children's neuroses.

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  7. I love the conspiracy theory about the Fresh Prince where those bullies actually killed him and the whole show was about Will Smith being in Heaven (the taxi driver being god) and the episodes where his mum or Jazzy Jeff came to visit were the times they visited his grave.

    Here it is as number 15, but make sure you check out number 7. That one kept me awake for a night or two...

    http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/15-fan-theories-that-will-forever-change-the-way-y

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    1. These are utterly bizarre. I love the one about Aladdin being set in a dystopian future, just because of a throwaway gag made by the genie.

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  8. I didn't think that theme song sounded like his usual style. Now I know why.

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