Monday 1 July 2013

2014: A Retrospective

Greetings fellow space-travellers.  We hope that you are enjoying your shuttle to the Nebulon Cluster and will continue to use Slipspace Tours in the future.  Make sure to try the Neptunian Invertibrate Platter, it's delicious!  Anyway, your inflight entertainment today is a documentary about the year 2014.  Please enjoy.



2014.  The year of the peregrine falcon.  A time when people used wheels to travel rather than suction tubes, and people were still born into families.  This was a turbulent year for human existence, and one which shaped the present we know of today in 2114.

The year started off innocently enough when the human race finally created talking food.  This technological achievement lead to a culinary revolution across the globe.  Now, broccoli could inform the customer how long it takes to boil at which optimum temperature.  Beef could demand to be tenderised, shouting at the chef to “put your back into it!” and calling them a “sissy nancy boy”.  This lead to an increase in dinner parties around the world.  Many famous chefs released their own talking dishes, until one of Gordon Ramsey’s Lamb Shanks was accused of telling a child to “Grind my fucking meat, you little cunt!”

What the first talking food products may have looked like.


Despite this glorious start to the year, events quickly turned sour when the Apple corporation threatened to invade Ireland.  Inspired by Ireland’s progressive business tax regime, Apple decided to take ownership of the entire country in order to prevent their rivals from benefitting from the same tax rates.  Although the invasion was short lived, it was the swiftest and most brutal conflict in human history as Apple deployed their SmartTanks and their iICBMs, turning the whole country into an irradiated wasteland.  After an initial assault of only 8 hours, 93% of the population had been obliterated.  Apple ceased the invasion when it realised that there were few remaining natives to sell their products to.  This event instilled the Irish with a deep-seated fear of Jobs, a fear which continues to this day.

Other global conflicts arose when the KONY 2 campaign kicked off on Kickstarter, trying to raise enough money to buy a rocket, strap Kony to it, and blast it into the sun.  The campaign was so successful that many Kickstarter donators signed up their own children to fight against this global menace.  Anyone who donated their child got a free signed photograph of the organiser waving his genitals at passing traffic.  As a result, Kickstarter now owns the largest platoon of child soldiers on the planet, and plans to use them to reboot Bugsy Malone.

Speaking of reboots, 2014 was the year when movie reboots became a genre in themselves.  Although we take movie reboots for granted these days, there was a time when less than 100% of films were reboots, and 2014 turned out to be the pivotal point.  There were reboots of The Matrix, The Nutty Professor, Liar Liar, Flubber and Jumanji, each darker and grittier than the last.

Some men just want to watch the world gurn.


Other than cinema, global culture was beginning to stagnate.  Book publishers and ballet producers were unwilling or unable to make dark reboots of their famous classics, so a new form of culture had to be established.  This new cultural phenomenon started out at street level and was universally derided upon its inception.  Who could have dreamed that by 2114 it would be a multi-billion dollar industry with advocates stretching across the galaxy.  That medium is, of course, Artistic Wanking.  Although it is almost unthinkable in modern times that people were repulsed by this, back then it was the height of taboo and people were forced to wank in private like social pariahs.

Anyway, that’s all we have time for today.  Join us next time on 2014 Retrospective where we’ll be looking at the coronation of North West, PSY’s song for Korean peace, and the day that people realised that PRISM was actually in their own interest.

23 comments:

  1. Oh I can't wait for travel-by-tube and Kickstarter's child army. I already have a frame picked out for my picture of the dude waving his genitals. Also, I think I'm a pioneer of Artistic Wanking. They label me a sex offender now, but I see that history will recognize my contribution to culture.

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    1. You'll be the Da Vinci of self-flagellation.

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  2. Well, I'm glad that my public rope pull on the subway will one day be viewed as art. For the time being though, I'm all out of a job and can't be spotted within 15 feet of a minor.

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    1. I've seen the tapes and I must say I'm a big fan. That was the Citizen Kane of subterranian masturbation. I'm gonna make you a star kid, an absolute legend!

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  3. I think out of all of this what's least likely to happen is that people will realise PRISM IS in their interest. It's kind of sad. I am however looking forward to a reboot of The Matrix (which is something I'm actually surprised hasn't happened) and artistic wanking. Also when you think about it, Apple probably does have the resources to take over a small country. Possibly even a larger one. Definitely Ireland though.

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    1. I don't know why countries have their own armed forces any more. We should probably be fighting on behalf of tech giants like Apple and Microsoft, bombing the shit out of Sony Centres and such.

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  4. Oh my god, why did we not think of that before? Fight children WITH children. Kony doesn't stand a chance.

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    1. It makes perfect sense. We're not allowed to hit children anymore, but other children can.

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  5. A very inventive and enjoyable read. You have a remarkable imagination.

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    1. Thank you. When they try to section me, I'll be sure to call you up as a character witness.

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  6. I appear to be in the minority because I don't know what/who a Kony is. Do I need special glasses or a subscription - I can't be bothered to "do a Google" because I need wee.

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    1. Do you have a smartphone? They're brilliant in that they allow you to browse the net while on the loo. Google while you doodle.

      Anyway, Joseph Kony is a warlord in Uganda who uses child soldiers. Last year some PR company started a campaign against Kony. They released a YouTube video telling everyone how bad Kony is, but it didn't really offer any solutions. It was a bit like telling us that too much chocolate is bad, and not to rape people. Eventually, the guy behind the campaign went insane and was found naked, waving his genitals at passing traffic.

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    2. So what you are saying is it was like the MY Little Kony campaign which turned ordinary middle class households into epicentres of bad taste as children insisted on the purchase of the latest glittery pink plastic toy of evil. . .

      Surely the song was, I am a Fire starter . . . . . not a kick starter as the parents finally cracked and torched the plastic My Little Konies and fed them to Action Man as frozen convenience food.....

      Ooo yes that talking food looks like a hedgehog to me, a talking hedgehog......

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    3. Ignore that first was I am getting confused...

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    4. My Little Kony?

      Rob, don't ever change.

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    5. Ooh, he sounds like a naughty man. There'll be no pressies under HIS christmas tree this year.

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  7. Just passing quickly for now Mr Addman to say I have awarded you an award, it is a no strings attached award so involves no work what so ever, WELL COOL

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    1. Oooooh! I'll have to dust off my oscar dress, then I'll be over to collect!

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  8. A reboot of Bugsy Malone ... I'm a little scared of what that would entail.

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    1. Especially if they got Jodie Foster back for it.

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  9. This is the funniest stuff I've read all week. Let's have a part 2 to this :D

    As for the future, I am so proud of the human race for finally overcoming all prejudices and being accepting of public wanking. It is truly the greatest art form there ever will be, and unites people of all classes and ethnicity. Once all human beings realised that we are all a bunch of wankers, national borders melted away and we all united in a global jizz fest.

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    1. Thanks, and I couldn't agree more. How can you start a war with a country when their armed forces are all busy wanking away.

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  10. Your Prize awaits look if you dare . . . . . . .HAH HAHAH HHAH HAH AH HAHHAHHAH HAH AH HAH HAH HA HAH AH HAH AH HA HAH HAH AH HAH AH HAH AH HAH A

    ReplyDelete

Leave me a nice comment or die trying.