Monday 9 September 2013

Parallel Poo-niverse

It’s often said that you need to journey far in order to really find yourself.  Some people travel to India, give up their worldly possessions and follow a nappy-clad guru around in a tour bus.  Others spend their whole life chanting and bowing at statues in the vain hope of achieving enlightenment.  Then there are those who are willing to pay to ascend the Thetan ranks.  I, however, found myself while visiting the bathroom.

There I was, crunching my abdominal muscles as I tried to push a potato-sized object through a hole the size of a nostril, when I suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of relief.  At first I thought this was down to my bowel excavation, as I glanced back and admired my dense handiwork.  This was definitely one for the scrapbook.  As I went to fetch my camera, I caught a glimpse of myself.  That is, I noticed there was another me stood there, in the bathroom, looking at my poo. 

He was as shocked as I was to see me.  We both stood there in disbelief for several seconds before I dared to move a muscle.  He must have had the same idea because he also raised his hand as a greeting.

This person thought exactly like me, did the exact same things as me, and even danced the Macarena with as much gusto as me (trust me, nobody Macarenas like Addman).  It was like our minds were one, but our bodies were two.  I had found an identical copy of myself, a being from an alternate dimension summoned through the intense muscle spasms of a spectacular faecal incident.  My poo had torn through the fabric of space-time and transported myself from a parallel universe to witness the event.  At least, that was the most logical conclusion I could draw from all this.

Just think, having two bodies and brains could make me twice as smart, multiplying my intelligence by 1.5.  Or maybe we would become greater than the sum of our parts, like a desk from Ikea with a few spare screws at the end.

It's shocking how often I post pictures of toilets on the Internet


It was our civic duty to use this opportunity for the good of mankind.  Taking myself by the shoulder, we set out into the open world to cure cancer, solve world hunger, or find out what Silica Gel actually is.  We went out into the streets to spread our message of jubilation and to let the world know that all of their problems were over.

Unfortunately, there weren’t many people willing to listen to us.  When we shouted at people walking by, they tried their hardest to ignore us.  Perhaps they couldn’t comprehend the paradox that we creating, but their closed-minded bullshit was really starting to grind.  Couldn’t they see that everything we were doing, we were doing for love?  Love of our fellow man?  But not in a gay way. 

Anyway, in the end we felt so disillusioned that we went to a funfair to cheer ourselves up.
The man at the Candyfloss stall wouldn’t sell us any, mainly because we didn’t have any money and kept asking each other to pay.  We vowed revenge, but decided to check out one of the spooky houses as a fun treat.

Inside, I started to feel as though I was being watched.  These places are meant to make you feel unusual, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off.  As we rounded the corner, there in front of us were countless other me’s from countless other dimensions.  Some were tall and skinny, others were short and fat, and some probably liked the taste of Marmite.  Here, located entirely within the confines of this small room, stood an entire legion of us.  Our overwhelming numbers would be enough to conquer the globe, and that’s when my thoughts shifted from helping my fellow man, to dominating my fellow man.  After all, they refused to listen when I tried to spread the word.  They deserved it, starting with that candyfloss guy.

Leading the charge, we ran out of the house in innumerable numbers and proceeded to launch our assault across the dodgems.

That’s the last thing I remember.  I woke up in hospital with no sign of the other Addmans.  Apparently, I’d been hit by a bumper car while holding a bathroom mirror.  Since that day I have felt a gaping void inside me, left by my alternate copies.  A part of me died that day.  But do not fret dear reader!  I have had a whole bowl of chilli for dinner tonight, so it’s only a matter of time before the porcelain throne becomes a portal to a parallel me once again.

21 comments:

  1. You either have a perilously small anus or a giant nostril. Also, my narcissism is such that at first sight, I would make out with myself, and that final scene that you describe with the multiple dimension yous would just devolve into a giant me orgy. But that's me.

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    1. I can just imagine it now, a room full of briney pickles rubbing against each other in ecstasy. It's pickle porn.

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  2. That's why I don't put mirror's in my bathroom. I don't like the interference of inter-dimensional mes. I'd rather it just be me and my poo.

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    1. It is a little disconcerting, watching myself have a poo. However, you'd be surprised how quickly you get used to it.

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  3. Oh God, I'm such a fool! That must mean I've been flushing away my twin every day! And here I thought that scream I heard was just a toilet with an air leak. Now that I know a legion awaits me, I'll never flush again. Someone get me some chili and a vanity mirror.

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    1. Yeah, but just think how many of you you have killed so far. Thousands, if not, millions of other yous cut down in their prime, all because of your selfish pooing habits. Can you really live with that?

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  4. I think there are also lots of mirrors in hospitals. Keep the faith Addman, you will find your brothers and take over the world once again. It will be a glorious regime.

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    1. I glad you think so. We will consider mercy in your case.

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  5. Speaking of toilets... We had the sewage plant emptied this morning at 11am on site and the sewage man suffered from what is known in sewage clearance circles as "Blow back" where by.... well, he ended up covered in other peoples "bum presents" and had to be hosed down. I haven't laughed so hard for a long LONG time.

    6,000 gallons of poo.

    It still smells now and it's 6:30pm..... PM mind! the poor bastard.

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    1. How delightful. Do you have any photos of the incident? I'm sure there are some fetish sites that will pay a premium for them.

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  6. Mirror Mirror on the wall who is the fairest of them all.. . . . .. . . . ME ME ME, yes Sorry MR Addman, I am the fairest, but so you don't feel bad I have got this apple for you....

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    1. Is it poisoned? Everytime someone gives me an apple is always choc full of poison, for some reason. Who'd want to kill a loveable scamp like me?

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  7. I've read many stories with portals to parallel universes, but this is the first time the portal has been a toilet. Congratulations on your amazing imagination.

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    1. Thanks. I will use your comment as a reference for when they try to section me.

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  8. I will never again look in a used toilet without making sure I'm not leaving any alternate me's behind...boy there's a thought...a legion of Blondies...bwahahahahah

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    1. Hmm, it seems that everyone wants to build their own toilet armies. I am considering some sort of copyright.

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  9. What on earth have you been eating that your poop is the size of a potato? Fibre, dude, it's you're friend.

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    1. Potatoes mainly. But I don't cut them up or chew them. I swallow them like a duck.

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    2. WHAT . . . . . Ducks swallow potatoes whole, that explains a few things...

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