Friday 8 March 2013

Mother's Day


The day is almost upon us where we pay homage to the ones who birthed us.  As children, we cause nothing but pain and regret for our mothers during our formative years through teething, detentions, and tantrums.  As adults, very little changes in that respect.  Although, when we reach that state of self awareness known as maturity, it is nice to show that you appreciate the feminine half of your parentage by celebrating Mother’s Day.

This year, rather than just getting a few petrol station flowers and a card, perhaps you should think about getting a really worthwhile present.  Why not go out of your way this time and get something thoughtful, something meaningful, or something unexpected?  I’ve decided to list a few ideas, so feel free to use them.  No need to thank me.  Your satisfied postal cheques are thanks enough.

A typical, hard working mother


A String Of Garlic

When you tell your Mum that you’ve bought her some cloaves this year, there’s no chance that she’ll be disappointed or mislead.  You could always get her a Cloaves Voucher from your local supermarket, allowing her to purchase as much garlic as she could possibly imagine.

Two Bags Of Self Raising Flour

Because one bag would be far too frugal.  Your mother will appreciate being bought flours on Mother’s Day, because nothing says that you appreciate the way in which you were “raised” than some formative baking products.

A Smoked Cat

This delicacy is very simple to prepare.  Simply find a cat (preferably a neighbourhood one that no one likes), skin it, then slowly chargrill it for 24 hours until it is as black as Mitt Romney’s heart.  Once done, wring out any excess juices and bottle them.  Smells good huh?  Give your mother the bottle and watch her sample the delicious aromas of the purr fumes.

A Stripper

Don’t make the mistake of getting a male stripper, because quite frankly, no one likes to see a man in the nude.  Your mother is sure to enjoy a little bit of Candy. (P.S. always check the name of your stripper before purchase.  This pun doesn’t work if your stripper is named Chantelle or something)

50 Shades Of Gray

Because I’m sure everyone will be as pleased as punch to see their mother reading this book.  Then again, if you’ve already taken the previous idea and ordered her a stripper named Candy, this probably won’t disturb you in the slightest.

Now that we’re all a little bit wiser in the ways of mothers, I hope that you all get her something she truly deserves.  If you have any other ideas on what mothers want, please feel free to comment and make suggestions below.  In fact, I implore you to.  Not because I need ideas or anything.

22 comments:

  1. How about a bag of raisins? Because, like, 'thanks for raisin me!'

    Okay, okay, so I plagiarised the self-raising flour joke. Sue me. Please don't.

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    1. Yeah, that'd go down a treat. "These raisins are shrivelled, like my love for you".

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  2. I have arranged for Rose McGowan, Rosemary Conley and that lovely Rose West to pop round for a nice cuppa on Mothers Day, because what sort of son would I be if I didn't get my mum a bunch of roses???

    Thankyou and goodnight!

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    1. You can double the number of roses by making them eat a tin of Cadbury's Roses first. Then, when they vomit in your mum's lap, shout happy mother's day.

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  3. Wait... Mother's day isn't until May right? Phew! You scared me. For a second I thought it was going to be this weekend and I was all like "How the hell am I going to arrange a stripper by Sunday!?!?!"

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    1. It's Mothers Day on Sunday in the UK. Besides, you can order a stripper for the occasion anyway, it's the gift that keeps on giving.

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  4. I don't think my mum would appreciate a stripper and she's allergic to cats. My sister has a copy of Fifty Shades so I don't think that's any good either. I don't think she'd find the humour in the flour either. But it's a fun suggestion. I guess I'm going to have to stick with what I've got. Although in a brilliant display of hilarity my local Tescos has cleaning products in their Mother's Day range.

    No, seriously, they did.

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    1. Oh fantastic! "Here mum, a bottle of Domestos for Mother's Day. No, don't drink it!"

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  5. I think my mother's gonna need a defibrillator, because if I gave her any of that stuff, she'll have a bloody heart attack! :)

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    1. Well you ought to get her a bunch of grapes too for her stint in hospital.

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  6. I'm glad it's in may, I thought I forgot it for a second. I usually get fussed at for it.

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    1. The way to make sure you don't forget is to get presents every Sunday. Sure, it may bankrupt you, but it saves you any potential embaressment.

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  7. Sorry, the only way a copy of 50 shades of Garbage is getting in my house is if we ran out of toilet paper.

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  8. I rather like the first option of the garlic, but feel on it's own it is not quite enough so in order to make it feel more substantial I will include a Vincent Price in a coffin that comes out at night. It will make the garlic much more useful even dad might wear a bit round his neck.

    The DIY mothers day cake, all ingredients included was not a great option last year and I'm sure there was flour in that kit so I would warn against the choice myself.

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    1. A Vincent Price? How many Vincent Prices are there? Can you get them from Tesco, just next to the Furbys?

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  9. So, should I eschew my idea of plastic surgery and a painted nude of me to remind her of the time back when she still had her youth? In the paining of me, I will of course be sliding down a slide greased with pig blood through two floppy, soggy towels drenched in Vaseline and rendered cow fat. Does that change your mind?

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    1. It just depends if the towels have a pattern on them. This is a big deal breaker for me.

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  10. My mother has moved to Florida. Every year, a few weeks before Mother's Day, she sends all of us a letter telling us that for Mother's Day, she would appreciate not receiving any unannounced visits from any of us.

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    1. That sounds ideal. Give your mother the gift of silence this year.

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  11. I'll take the nude man wearing garlic.

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