Monday 28 July 2014

A Few Pointers On Your Fanfiction



Dear SonicGurl92,

As a purveyor of the Internet’s filthiest fanfiction, I felt compelled to write to you after reading your incredibly heartfelt Sonic/Transformers slash fic.  While your words moved me in my many special places, I feel that you could use a little guidance on how to improve your erotic writing.  Your raw talent will blossom if you observe the following points:

1)  Sonic would never put a chilli dog up his own anus.  You need to think about the character’s motivations more often, as everyone knows that Sonic is a giver rather than a receiver.  His go-getting attitude and positive outlook would make him a person who is willing to do things to others rather than debase himself in such a manner.  Think about characterisation more and I’m sure your writing will become much more involved and informed.  On that same point, he wouldn't let his enemies take over the Green Hill Zone in exchange for "getting bummed in the gob".

My fanfic writing costume

2)  The part where Scooby Doo was getting done over by Captain America was really hot, but it really could have used a bit more description.  Don’t be afraid to elaborate on the small details.  You could have mentioned how the tag on Scooby’s collar was bouncing in time to the rhythmic thrusts.  It’s a neat little touch that really improves the realism of the story and helps people to imagine it in vivid detail.

3)  The phrase “Cured Beef” is not very sexy and is a very confusing opening gambit when describing a robot’s rectal passage.

4)  I really liked it when they visited Megatron’s family.  It was an interesting interlude before the main orgy.  However, why did the autobots start eating cake?  They don't even have digestive tracts.  You need to think these things through.

5)  You could have really used a subplot or two to try and prolong the story.  I really enjoyed the 248,000 words that you had already written, but as a fanfic fan, I don’t like to settle for a light read.  I don’t usually read a fanfic that is less than 300,000 words as a rule and I know many members of this community are even more demanding.  Perhaps next time you could throw in a few more crossovers such as The Raccoons, or those cute little monsters from Trap Door.

6)  The part where E.T. tried to give Tails a reach around is completely ludicrous.  In my own fanfiction titled "The Fabric Of Spaceghost’s Pants", I firmly established that E.T. is an asexual being who wanders the universe and gives pleasure to others with his magic finger.  If you’re going to use my characters at least follow the established lore behind them.  I don’t mind a bit of artistic license but this is taking the piss!

7)  The bit where Knuckles turned super was a bit stupid since he didn’t even have all of the chaos emeralds.

8)  While your writing is pretty decent, those horrible MSpaints were truly appalling.  I don’t mind seeing Bumblebee getting dinged up by a superfast hedgehog, but the poor image compression makes the action look like it has been censored out.  If you’re going to illustrate, I want to be able to see everything in glorious HD.

I know some of this might seem picky, but I truly believe that you will become a greater writer if you follow my advice.  If you would like some further tuition, my rates are extremely unreasonable.  Hope this helps!

~ETPhoneBoner

24 comments:

  1. I actually did see a fanfiction that was over 400k words. My own is 180k sure, but still, 400 is a bit much. Especially when it was cut down into about 20 20k word chapters. I didn't even want to try to tackle that. A lot of this is good advice in general for fanfiction writers. I'll keep it in mind when I write some more.

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    1. That's insane. Even Tolkien would have told them to get to the point.

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  2. Okay, granted, E.T. giving Tails a reacharound was weird, BUT, the fact that SonicGurl92 gave Tails two penises was not just creative and inspiring but rather indicative of the character.

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    1. Two penises does not automatically make a great writer. Three tits on the other hand...

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  3. I thought that was why Sonic ran so fast.
    So he WOULDN'T get a hot dog in his anus.

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    1. Exactly. He wasn't blessed with super powers or anything. When someone tries to sexual assault you with a sausage, you just run.

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    2. Unless you're German. I hear they like sausages for that very thing.

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  4. Still sounds better than Twilight, though.

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    1. True. It's probably acted better as well, even though there is no movie version.

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  5. Everyone knows Tails was Sonic's bottom and the reason Knuckles had it out for them was because he was jealous. Also, I'm really disappointed that Dr. Robotnik wasn't included in the fanfiction. He's capable of creating robots from animals; think of what he could accomplish if he turned his mind toward creating sex machines. Use your head, SonicGurl92!

    PS: You missed the chance to introduce Bumblebee as Bumderbee.

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    1. I can just imagine Sonic busting open some giant, lumbering vibrators to release tiny woodland creatures. I'm not going to lie, but I think my childhood may be dead.

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  6. We appear to have reached areas of discussion that my child friendly alias self is confused by and so in order to preserve the innocence of the child friendly me I am going into safe mode. . . . . . . Can I have a lollipop, can I have a lollipop, can I have a lollipop, can I have a lollipop, can I have a lollipop, can I have a lollipop, can I have a lollipop, can I have a lollipop, can I have a lollipop, can I have a lollipop, can I have a lollipop, can I have a lollipop, can I have a lollipop.

    OOOOOOooooo what's that big hairy thing.

    DAMN now look what's happened.

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    1. I'm sorry Mr Rob, I know that I'm rubbing off on you-I mean, I know that you're easily influenced-I mean, oh whatever. Just pretend you didn't read this, okay?

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  7. Hold on a second, Sonic is a "giver"?!? The entire game is him trying to horde as many coins as possible. Sonic is clearly a taker. Any commodity, Sonic shall take. "People sell semen? I must collect all the semen I can possibly get my hands on as fast as possible!"
    Sorry, this is just my judgmental jealousy based on the fact that my Dragon Ball Z/Game of Thrones slash fiction was passed over. My own website rejected my slash fiction.

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    1. That's true, but conversely, Sonic is anti-capitalist. Dr Robotnik is just a simple industrialist trying to bring jobs and technology to the planet, but Sonic keeps destroying everything like some kind of anthropomorphic anarchist.

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  8. Nothing but a full frontal lobotomy, will ever get rid of the visual image that is Scooby doo's dog tag bouncing in time to the rhythmic thrusts of Captain America. Strangely enough, I just finished challenging Spawn to a game of Sonic earlier on today. But after reading this, I now need to go and take a shower...with bleach.

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    1. Why does everyone say that after interacting with me? Why!?

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  9. The part where E.T. tried to give Tails a reach around is completely ludicrous - this might be the best sentence ever written x

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    1. Said by a true Tails fan! Look out for the sequel, Tails Plows Axel Rose!

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  10. Two penises does not make a great writer, true. But it would make this mediocre writer pretty damn happy. I'd settle for just one tonight. Mind you, I mean in and not on me. Well, on is okay too, provided it's attached to another person or ET. Hell, I'd take ET's finger.

    PS I confess to having no idea what this was about, but I laughed like crazy all the way through it. You are hilarious! Thank you.

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    1. Did you hear about the guy with five penises?
      His pants fit like a glove.
      BA DUM BUM

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    2. It's alright, I don't know what's going on either. I hope that this fanfiction is a series of disparate events, rather than an attempt at a coherent story.

      By the way, did you hear about the guy with five penises? His body was donated to medical science! What do you mean Al's was better?

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