Flogging Holly

I've found myself at quite a loose end just recently. My life in general is pretty boring. I get up when I want, except on Wednesday's when I get rudely awakened by the dustman. I put my trousers on, have a cup of tea, and I think that my hobby of parodying Blur songs is starting to get stale. I need a new hobby; something a bit more lively to get me out of the house and pass the time. That's why I've started seeing a professional dominatrix.

Her name is Mz Holly Valentine (it's important to pronounce the Mz correctly, like a slightly aroused wasp). She's a no nonsense sort of lass and I respect that, mainly because I have to. She lives in a dungeon on the East side of town and I go and visit her every Thursday for an hour or two.

I'm still quite new to this S&M lark, so the whole thing is a big learning experience. The first time I visited her I didn't really know what the correct etiquette was for visiting a dominatrix. I figured it would be like attending a dinner party, so I pick out a rather cheeky bottle of Valpolicella from the top shelf in Tescos. She seemed a little bemused by my gift, but was friendly enough and invited me inside.

In order for a more fulfilling experience, Mz Holly said that we should get to know each other a bit.We began to talk about my likes and dislikes. I informed her that my favourite colour is blue, that I would like to be reincarnated as a sun bear, and that I have broken the world record for attending roller discos. Again, she seemed a little perplexed, but simply handed me a form where I had to tick off things that I am into. I ticked the box for flogging because I do like to sell things at car boot sales, and I have been known to flog items on eBay. I ticked CBT. I figured it was a typo for CBD and, as a town planner, I do enjoy a good Central Business District. I also ticked watersports because who doesn't love to catch a bit of surf? I expected that we'd have a lovely, fun-filled day out with the activities I'd chosen.

Just one of the many days out I had in mind for Mz Holly

Mz Holly chose to stay in instead. I instead found myself strapped to some uncomfortable contraption with a hood over my head. I was also in the ungentlemanly position of having no clothes on.

To be honest, it wasn't quite what I was expecting. Mz Holly's whole demeanour suddenly changed, and she went from being quite friendly to incredibly stern. She also had a thing about hitting me across the buttocks with a riding crop. Then I had to pay for the privilege and leave.

It was all a bit of a laugh until the nipple clamps came out. I had to take it otherwise I recieved more beatings, each more vigorous than the last. To be honest, this was nothing like what I imagined. I thought I'd get to make a new friend and strike up a new hobby with a like-minded individual.

I'm sure Mz Holly would be able to find herself a little bit of romance if she'd just stop calling blokes "maggots" and attaching them to uncomfortable apparatus. Also, her choice of attire seems to be more than a little uncomfortable. There's no wonder she doesn't leave the confines of her dungeon. I've tried to encourage her out of the house by suggesting trips to the zoo through my ball gag, but she always tells me to shut up.

You’re probably wondering why I keep visiting her when I don’t appear to enjoy the experience.  Well, it turns out that on my first visit, I entered into some kind of verbal agreement, and a verbal agreement is pretty much legally binding.  Addman is not the kind of man who will break his word.  I’ve made my own steel-framed bed and now I have to lie strapped to it.  I only hope I can bring this shy, retiring young woman out of her shell/catsuit and encourage to get out a bit more.  If I can just get her to stop whipping me for two minutes, that would be bonus.

Things Our Children Won’t Understand

1) YOLO – When medical science advances to a point where everyone gets a free extra life through their healthcare plans, no one will understand this archaic adage.

2) The thrill of conker season – When horse chestnuts are declared extinct in the year 2033, our children will be deprived of the majesty that only conkers can provide.  Nothing compares to the joy of threading a shoelace through a particularly hefty conker, varnishing it for extra hardness, then twatting someone across the knuckles with it.

3) Cat videos – When cats are finally linked with causing autism in our children, and they are unilaterally wiped out, the next generation will not be able to understand why we allowed evil felines to live in our homes.  They will be further confused by our insistence on filming the little blighters and posting the resulting clips on YouTube.

4) DVDs/Blu Ray – “So it’s like a small silver food tray that you stick in your TV?”  Can you remember the first time you saw a DVD?  It was magical.  High quality movies compressed down onto a shiny disc were so popular that people bought them in massive quantities and displayed them to others in order to show their taste in films.  Streaming services are killing off our insistence on purchasing piles of non-degradable plastic and displaying them on bookshelves, which is a damn shame for everyone outside of Greenpeace.

A great use of the Earth's finite resources, I'm sure you'll agree

5) The concept of family – When families are finally outlawed in 2019 because of their inclination to screw up your development, our children will know nothing of their biological parents, but will instead  turn to the robot nannies that take care of them.  They will know nothing of their mothers and fathers as they grow up in an orbital sky crèche with all of their needs attended to.

6) Gangster rap – With the advent of Gunby music (where musicians smack a hurdy gurdy with a live salmon), the world will collectively forget about the hood.  Snoop and Dre will be revered in the same manner as Mozart and Verdi as examples of fine culture, but kids will largely dislike their classical stylings.

7) Physical activity – Why walk anywhere when you have a flying chair to take you where you need to go?

8) Porn bushes – I was at least 20 years old before I realised that porn didn’t grow naturally on bushes.  Aged 10, we used to go porn hunting in the woods with a big butterfly net, trying to snag an interesting growler in the undergrowth.  We felt like intrepid 19^th century explorers attempting to catalogue new, exotic species.  I learned a lot about the female form from reader’s wives sections, which gave me a much more realistic picture of what to expect.  The children of the future will be used to seeing airbrushed, hairless porn stars parading around on their screens like Persian cats.  It’s just not the same!

9) Um Bongo – This delicious tropical drink is in danger of going extinct, unless we act now! Please send your donations so that I buy more Um Bongo and try to breed it under laboratory conditions.

10) List Articles – If we want to leave a lasting legacy for future generations, we need to start producing more list articles.  Our children may never get to read Cracked.com, Buzzfeed, or Muppets For Justice, and that would be a damn shame.

The Food Of Love

As a promiscuous man with an appetite for seduction, I find that there is a distinct lack of sexy recipes and cooking shows to satisfy my desires.  Food is sexy.  Not as sexy as sex, but it can be rather hot.  Unless it’s served cold.  The culinary world is so confusing.

What I do know is that food can get me into all sorts of terrible trouble.  All it takes is a good ploughman’s lunch and I’m anybody’s.  That’s why I decided to come up with some dishy new dishes to get your blood boiling:

Jerk-Off Chicken

12 chicken thighs

1 bunch of spring onions

1 sprig of ginger

3 garlic cloves

3 scotch bonnet chillies

2 tbsp of vegetable oil

3 tbsp of semen

Firstly, create your marinade by chopping everything above minus the chicken, then throwing it all in a pan and bringing it up to a simmer for 20 minutes.  Continue to stir the marinade, remembering to vigorously masturbate into the sauce at regular intervals.  Then, spread the marinade over your chicken thighs (and your own thighs), and rub any residual residue onto the chicken for extra flavour.  Cook in the oven for 45 minutes until the chicken is nice and shiny.  Serve on a bed of chickpeas.

Phoooarrrr...weerrgghhh....uuuuhhhhh..mmmmm...

Cock Au Vin

Chicken Breast

1 bottle good-quality red wine (preferably a lovely Merlot)

1 tbsp redcurrant jelly

1 small onion, chopped

2 sticks celery, chopped

1 carrot, chopped

4 garlic cloves, un-peeled, bruised

1 ribbed 12” strap on “Dominatator”

Fry your chopped veg for 10 minutes, add a quarter bottle of wine and simmer gently, stirring regularly with your plastic dildo.  Add the chicken and finish off by adding the redcurrant jelly to the helmet.  Don’t eat with a knife and fork, use the dildo as a utensil.

Beef Stroke-her-off

350g/12oz pork fillet

Freshly ground black pepper

2 tbsp sunflower oil

25g/1oz butter

1 onion, finely sliced

225g/8oz button chestnut mushrooms, halved

5fl oz/140ml carton soured cream

1 tbsp chopped fresh parsley

Cook all that stuff above until it’s done.  Once ready, smear this all over your greasy palms like a feral child who hasn’t been taught how to use utensils.  When your hands are suitably smeared like a gloveless murderer, begin to touch your significant other in rude places.

(Note:  This dish must only be prepared by men.  If women would like to prepare a similar dish, see my companion recipe for Rub-atouille)

Reggae-Reggae Intercourse

1 pot of Reggae-Reggae Sauce

1 willing participant

Simply smother a jar of Reggae-Reggae sauce over a naked partner and let the lovemaking commence.  Serve on a bed of suitable springiness.  Bonus points if you film it and send the footage to Levi Roots.

 

 

I think that with these recipes, we have established that music isn't the food of love. Food is actually the food of love.  Bon appetit!

E3 2014

The Electronics Entertainment Expo took place in Los Angeles last week (Muppets For Justice is nothing if not timely and relevant). This is the trade show for the video games industry, and boy were there some big announcements this year! Allow me to summarise the biggest game announcements that you might have missed:

Tiger Madden's Pro Kickball HD 2015

The popular Tiger Madden franchise adds the word "pro" to the title this year, adding a career mode and realistic turf physics. This means that the grass will react when you step on it by flattening down and going slightly brown. You can restore your turf's greenness through a mini game where you play a groundskeeper who has to water and trim the turf between matches.

Remake Simulator

Have you ever wanted to replay your old games and pay £20 for the privilege? Well now you can with Remake Simulator. Just fire up the game and you will be presented with a fully HD screen asking you to insert your old game CD. Brilliant!

Moodie

Moodie is grim, indie, 8-bit adventure which makes great use of the colour black. Lots of moody things happen such as lamps that won't turn on, wind noises spontaneously emerging, and an ongoing internal monologue about the bleakness of human existence. There are no enemies and no combat in this game, just lots of walking through caves and abandoned buildings. The game ends with Morrissey singing Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now.

Hyper Ironic Awesome Boys

Another indie darling which strives to be as over the top as possible, with hulking space marines hoisting unwieldy cannons around, blasting aliens and screaming "Hells Yeah" and "Yolo" every time you press a button. Explosions literally have the word "BOOM" in them, and are accompanied with slow mo and camera zooms. Don't worry though, the developers are being ironic, so it's okay to be this crass.

Battlecall 12

Are you a white male aged 18-30 who has power fantasies about being a white male aged 18-30 in a war? Well look no further than Battlecall 12. Set during the Falklands War, you can duel wield chainguns and make puns while slaughtering your teammates in online deathmatch.

Teabagger 2

Following on from the success of Teabagger, Teabagger 2 has a variety of opponents for you to squat over and "own".  The game is full of celebrity tie ins, allowing you to successfully teabag famous faces such as Pierce Brosnan, Kevin Spacey, and Ice Cube. You can buy the Snoop Dogg DLC voiceover pack, where you'll hear Snoop commentate your teabagging experience with choice phrases such as "shit son, you teabizzled his chizzle".

And there you have it. Lot's of great games to keep the whole family numb over the upcoming Christmas period. Start saving your money, and we'll see you online shortly!

The Drawbacks Of Being A Brainiac

If there’s one thing that many of you will have learned from reading Muppets For Justice over the years, it’s that I am a veritable genius.  I can’t help it.  Having an oversized cranium is as big a burden as it is brilliant.  I’m starting to get neck cramps from having to support my gargantuan brain, which is why I have to wear this neck brace, and nothing to do with that time I tripped over in a rockery.

There are many serious ramifications (that means consequences) to being so smart.  Normal people may look at a simple object like a pencil and think of it as merely a writing implement.  When I see a pencil, all sorts of mind-bending possibilities emerge.  Most people wouldn’t think to pick their ears clean with it.  Very few people would try to taste the pencil.  It’s this kind of experimentation that separates me from the average layman.

Having a high IQ means that I can perform complex decisions at a blistering pace.  While I’ve never actually taken an IQ test, using my intellect I can estimate my IQ to be somewhere around 4000.  You can only work out your own IQ if you already have a high one.  Don’t try this at home folks!

The card my teachers gave me when I left school

Quite often I find that people cannot understand me when I talk.  Because my brain can process information so much faster than other people, I tend to communicate with them at a higher frequency then they are used to.  I also use huge, complicated words that most people don’t understand.  Because I am trying to relay so much information to you all at once, it may sound like I talking gibberish.  Some have described my speech as “Underdeveloped” or “Like listening to a howler monkey having sex with a tumble dryer”, but I would argue that my sentence structure is just too complex for your primitive brains to decipher.  If you were to record me speaking, slow it down, play with the reverb, reverse it, then get a voice actor in to record some dialogue over the top, I’m sure you would understand me perfectly.  You’d be pretty impressed at what I have to say.

Throughout my childhood I was persecuted for being so clever.  My teachers held me back several years because they couldn’t accept my radical theories regarding clothing.  Trousers are such an unnecessary distraction.  Those same teachers couldn’t accept that glue was vital brain food for my development.  However, keeping me back those years allowed my education to continue for far longer than any of my peers, which helped to keep my mind sharp and allowed me to absorb more information like a thirsty sponge.  By the time I left school I had a reading age far beyond the kids 4 years below me; the point at which I was initially held back.  Despite being a bright kid, I was constantly picked on and degraded by my contemporaries.  They called me names such as “milk chugger” because I used to drink my milk so fast that it came out of my nose.  I drank so fast because I wanted to get back to my studies quicker.  Why this is seen as a negative is completely beyond me.

Milk chuggers are ballers after all

Now in my adult years I am starting to find that the job market persecutes against clever people.  The clever jobs are never advertised in the local paper, so I never know when these jobs come up.  How am I supposed to apply for them if I don’t know where to look!?  They never advertise for nuclear physicists at the job centre.

I’m hoping that by typing this up, some of you smart people out there will contact me and let me know that I’m not the only one out there.  Then I will crush you all in an intellectual debate, because there can only be one person in the world as smart as me.  It’ll be like a cerebral version of Jet Li’s The One.  Like Kill Bill mixed with Mastermind.  Let battle commence.

Friday the 13th

Those of a superstitious disposition can’t fail to have noticed that today is the devil’s day.  It’s that fateful day of the calendar where Jason Voorhees crawls across your ceiling and makes you die within 7 days.

While I am a rational person who believes in science, facts, and life after love, I have experienced some inexplicable bad luck on Friday the 13^th throughout the years.  When I noticed this trend I began documenting any mysterious or downright unlucky happenings.  To date I have a comprehensive back catalogue of everything bad that has ever happened me, which I call my Tome Of Misery.  Others tend to call it Addman’s Diary, and every page seems to reach a new all-time low.  However, I picked through it to provide you with a list of superstitious stuff that will boggle any rational mind.  The following events you are about to read are disturbing, so reader discretion is advised.

Friday 13^th 2002 – My GCSE exam results arrived today.  Being the uncertified genius that I undoubtedly am, I was expecting all A grades, but alas, the terrible forces of Friday 13^th have conspired to destroy me.  Most of my grades have come back as unmarked.  One of my teachers has included a note saying that I was disqualified from the exams for not writing my name on the papers.  I didn’t think I needed to. The amazing answers I gave to the questions would surely speak for themselves.  There’s only one person who could have aced a test so thoroughly; how could they not realise it was my paper?  This is obviously not my fault.  I blame the dark forces at work on this most dreadful day.

Friday 13^th 2004 – The devil dances on my nipples once again!  I went for a job interview which I was perfect for (professional shit stirrer down at the waste disposal yard).  They said they couldn’t hire me because I didn’t have any qualifications!  Damn and blast this hideous day!

Don't fall asleep or Freddy will get you!

Friday 13^th 2005 – As I was stomping around my room while pretending to be a dinosaur, a leg on the coffee table came loose and fell on my foot.  I spent the rest of the day in A&E waiting to get it x-rayed.  The curse of Friday the 13^th strikes again!

Friday 13^th 2008 – After a few years off, this dreaded day has crept up on me once more.  I have managed to lose my favourite mug!  It was a large, soup-bowl sized mug that said “This mug is almost as big as my oversized genitalia”, which I enjoyed because it is true.  I’ve looked everywhere and can’t find it.  In other news, a cruise liner sank, killing 200 people.

Friday 13^th 2010 – I’ve had two showers today and I just don’t smell right.  There’s something funny going on here.

Friday 13 2012 – With the Mayan apocalypse looming, I was fully expecting some sort of doomsday scenario to arise today.  I was proved right when the phone hacking investigation committee failed to impeach Piers Morgan.  Now he is allowed to wander free, consuming souls until the end of days!

Coincidence? I think not!  I’m sure that all this evidence is compelling enough for the scientific community to club together and ban Friday 13^th.  If they could also overturn my exam results, I would be very grateful.  Regardless, if anyone wants me I'll be hiding in the oven for the rest of day, where nothing can hurt me.  Good luck out there!