Happy House Hunting

One of the questions that I sadly never get asked is “are you available to photograph the women’s topless pogo championship?”  The answer to which is an emphatic yes.  It’s always yes.  Another question which sadly fails to crop up in natural conversation is “what advice do you have on finding the perfect property?”  Well, I am a professional house hunter.  I used to be a regular hunter, but had to give that up after a particularly nasty snail bite got infected.  I have transitioned from hunting wolverines in the wild to the white-collar world of real estate.  That may sound like an odd career change, but the worlds of real estate and slaughtering defenseless animals aren’t as exclusive as they may first appear.  Here are my top tips for securing your perfect home.

1)  Preparation is important.  When you go house hunting, always make sure that you are prepared for any eventuality.  Always carry a hunting knife strapped to your shin in case you need to cut through a piece of skirting board and inspect for asbestos.  They are also great for negotiating with.  Make sure you have a torch handy for exploring the dark crevasses of the property’s foundations, or to inspect the attic for any tasty mice or bats.  A camping stove can help you in case you accidentally get locked inside the property due to a faulty lock, and can also be used to test out smoke alarms.

2)  Make sure that you understand the area.  What are the schools like nearby?  Are there decent links into the city centre?  What kind of game am I likely to spot over at the watering hole?  When does mating season generally begin?  All of these questions will help you get a picture of your surroundings and what to expect when you move in.  Your estate agent should be happy to supply this information.

3)  Always choose a house with at least two storeys.  Their height can offer a significant vantage point from the roof.

I'm hunting two bed semi detached properties with jack and jill bathrooms, be vewy vewy qwiet.

4)  When it comes to putting an offer in on a property, you have to wait for the opportune moment before you strike.  Picture the situation; you have a house in your sights.  The house is unaware of your presence and sips nonchalantly from a small spring.  You need to close in quietly to get a better shot and take this sucker down, but if you move too quickly you will startle it.  So you creep closer, keeping your feet close to the ground and trying to keep a low centre of gravity.  You tread too heavily and the dry grass rustles underfoot.  The house looks up with alarm.  Your heart is in your mouth, pounding away, betraying your position with its rhythmic thrusting.  You pause, hoping to God that it hasn’t spotted you.  The house glances around, but cannot see any danger, so returns to the refreshing pond.  Mopping a bead of sweat from your brow you begin your approach once more, trying to stay out of sight.  However, as you glance right, you notice some other house hunters in the grass around, all approaching the same target.  One of them fires too early, misses the target completely, and sends it running for its life across the Serengeti.  Another hunter takes a shot and strikes a hit, but the shot wasn’t clean and the house is only wounded.  Now the house is limping and starting to bleed out. This is opportune moment for you to put in an offer of £525 PCM with only one month’s rent deposit!  Bargain!

5)  If you want to sell or rent your property to others, make sure you lay snares all over the front lawn to snag those potential buyers.

Follow these tips and you’ll be crowned king of the real estate market in no time.  At that point, you’ll have to fight me, the current real estate king, for mating rights and territory.  Good luck with that!

The Chupacabra Defence Plan

Everyone and their dog has a plan of action in case the long-awaited zombie apocalypse comes to fruition. It seems that everywhere you turn, people are discussing which supermarkets they'd raid first, what's the best weapon for caving in a zombie's skull, and who they would eat first if they were to turn to the undead side. They discuss this with relish (because human flesh isn't too tasty on it's own), which probably says a lot about our charmed, moddy-coddled lives that we fantasize about the collapse of modern society as if it's an exciting event.

However, while all these chumps are making plans against an invasion which will never occur, I'm busy preparing myself for a much more pertinent threat. I am preparing for the chupacabra invasion.

Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "but Addman, your witty and incredible Blog only serves to compliment your rugged good looks, and I'd like to donate £100 to you". Well, that's gratefully received, if slightly off topic, but you should also be concerned about chupacabras. These goat-sucking beasts of legend may only terrorise Mexican farmers right now, but my own research suggests that chupacabras may become the next big threat to humanity.

I vant to suck your goats

As it stands, we all know that chupacabras only attack goats. This has given me a terrible fear of goats themselves, since chupacabras may be near them at any given time. This thought has lead me to run screaming from my local petting zoo on more than one occasion. I haven't been able to play Goat Simulator in case there's a chupacabra in it. As terrifying as all that is, what happens when these chupacabras fancy a change in their diet?

The more goats they eat, the stronger they will become. Soon enough, a single goat will not be enough to fill a chupacabra anymore, so they will turn their sights to the deadliest game on the planet, giant gorillas. If they can take on a giant gorilla, then a human being will likely be a light snack in comparison.

Not only that, but chupacabra sightings seem to have dramatically risen since I started to look for them.  Before I was aware of the chupacabra menace, I barely ever heard about chupacabras.  Then when I wised up and began searching for them online, I came across hundreds of chupacabra stories, which suggests that chupacabras are on the march.  Their activities are becoming more lively, and they are visiting more and more mentally disturbed people.  A sure sign that the chupacabra apocalypse is nigh.

This is why I am currently fortifying my home. I don't want to panic my girlfriend, so I've been trying to fortify the living room with soft furnishings such as drapes and cushions, which she seems rather pleased about. I will replace these with titanium struts and girders next time she goes to visit her mother, then bolt myself inside. Anyone who doesn't take the chupacabra threat seriously will be the first to be eaten when their ravenous eye turns towards the nutritional value of mankind. I'm not taking that chance, and neither should you. Take steps now and avoid the great feast that is nigh!

You Were Always On My Timeline

As a master of the literary arts, there’s much more to my repertoire than the humorous penis jokes that I usually post here.  In fact, deep down I am a very delicate and complex soul, like a rickety, antique clothes mangle.  It may surprise you to learn that I am actually something of a poet.

That’s right.  My life’s motto has always been “prose before hoes”.  On any given day, you are likely to find me sitting under a tree next to a river, pondering  the subtleties and subtexts of my latest creations, and definitely not peeing in the river.  I forged my craft at amateur poetry readings, made iambic pentameter my bitch, and honed my poetry skills in the fires of public readings.  Here is my latest effort; a commentary about our 21^st century online romances.  It’s called You Were Always On My Timeline.  Please enjoy.

These people have in no way influenced my poetry, just so you know.

Maybe I didn't tweet you
Quite as much as I should have
Maybe I didn't poke you
Quite as often as I could have
Little things I should have fav’ed and shared
I never took the time
You were always on my timeline
You were always on my timeline

Maybe I didn't invite you
All those Candy Crushing times
And I guess I never told you
I'm happy when you're online
My status you had to second guess
I'm so sorry I was blind
You were always on my timeline
You were always on my timeline

Tell me, tell me Google Plus will never die
Give me one more chance to keep you satisfied


Little things I should have fav’ed and shared
I never took the time
You were always on my timeline
You were always on my timeline

You were always on my timeline it's true
I never followed anyone else but you
You were on my mind and in my circle
I barely social networked but you
You were always
I tried so hard I thought you knew
My love I’d tag myself for you
I’ll give up work to have the time
And I guess you couldn't read my mind
You were always

You were always on my timeline
You were always on my timeline

I hope you enjoyed that.  If you didn't then you obviously don't appreciate good poetry that in no way infringes on copyrighted materials from a certain 80's/90's synth-pop duo.  That, my friends is your problem, not mine.

Muck Tales

When I look back at my short yet utterly worthless life, many of the worst things that have ever happened to me have occurred in the toilet.  Please understand that these events are not through any actions of my own, but through the negligence and inconsistency of others.  The main story I wish to share with you (the others are far too traumatic to divulge), is that the case of The Phantom Pooer.

The Phantom Pooer is one of those urban legends, like Cropsey or Slenderman.  It is an entity that can enter a bathroom stall and achieve the kind of supernatural feats that simply could not physically be performed by a human.  All cultures seem to have their own versions of this, such as El Poopacabra in Latin America, or known as Lavatore by the Italians, it seems that every corner of the globe has been peddle dashed by this poo felon at some point.  I have had several run-ins with this waste vigilante in the past, many of which have left me wishing for a shower in sulphuric acid.

The most recent poo crime scene I witnessed occurred at the cinema.  Entering any bathroom is always a daunting prospect.  Will the toilets be clean?  Will anyone try and look at my doodle?  What type of air freshener will they be using, if any?  These are all troublesome thoughts upon entry.  However, my worries were compounded when I saw someone running out of there holding his nose and gagging audibly.  Without an alternative toilet solution I ventured in anyway, assuming that the previous visitor must have had a weak stomach.

The toilet:  The most used image on Muppets For Justice

I was dead wrong.  A scene that can only be described as a turd autopsy had occurred in one of the two bathroom stalls.  This predominantly brown Jackson Pollack replica was primarily composed on the back of the toilet seat, but had managed to make its way all around the back wall and across the cubicle sides.  It seemed that very little had actually reached its destination in the toilet bowl (hopefully, that was the intended target).  As a little garnish, a solitary sheet of toilet paper was stuck proudly to the rim.  I couldn’t decide if this little flourish was a calling card, or if the perpetrator had attempted to clean it up before saying “fuck this” and running away from his futile duty.

I know I’m not the only person who has experienced such scenes of bowel-tensing terror.  At my previous job there was talk a mysterious pooer who regularly left neat little curlings on the rim of the seat.  Was this person trying to get back the company?  Or, as I suspect, is it a creature yet uncategorised by science with an agenda beyond our comprehension that is leaving these puzzling poops?  Perhaps this is our first contact with alien life, and this is how they communicate.

I believe it’s time for an international enquiry into these phenomena.  Have you ever stumbled upon a poo crime scene?  Was the perpetrator ever caught?  Together we can wipe out this menace with the 2-ply of justice.

A Few Pointers On Your Fanfiction

Dear SonicGurl92,

As a purveyor of the Internet’s filthiest fanfiction, I felt compelled to write to you after reading your incredibly heartfelt Sonic/Transformers slash fic.  While your words moved me in my many special places, I feel that you could use a little guidance on how to improve your erotic writing.  Your raw talent will blossom if you observe the following points:

1)  Sonic would never put a chilli dog up his own anus.  You need to think about the character’s motivations more often, as everyone knows that Sonic is a giver rather than a receiver.  His go-getting attitude and positive outlook would make him a person who is willing to do things to others rather than debase himself in such a manner.  Think about characterisation more and I’m sure your writing will become much more involved and informed.  On that same point, he wouldn't let his enemies take over the Green Hill Zone in exchange for "getting bummed in the gob".

My fanfic writing costume

2)  The part where Scooby Doo was getting done over by Captain America was really hot, but it really could have used a bit more description.  Don’t be afraid to elaborate on the small details.  You could have mentioned how the tag on Scooby’s collar was bouncing in time to the rhythmic thrusts.  It’s a neat little touch that really improves the realism of the story and helps people to imagine it in vivid detail.

3)  The phrase “Cured Beef” is not very sexy and is a very confusing opening gambit when describing a robot’s rectal passage.

4)  I really liked it when they visited Megatron’s family.  It was an interesting interlude before the main orgy.  However, why did the autobots start eating cake?  They don't even have digestive tracts.  You need to think these things through.

5)  You could have really used a subplot or two to try and prolong the story.  I really enjoyed the 248,000 words that you had already written, but as a fanfic fan, I don’t like to settle for a light read.  I don’t usually read a fanfic that is less than 300,000 words as a rule and I know many members of this community are even more demanding.  Perhaps next time you could throw in a few more crossovers such as The Raccoons, or those cute little monsters from Trap Door.

6)  The part where E.T. tried to give Tails a reach around is completely ludicrous.  In my own fanfiction titled "The Fabric Of Spaceghost’s Pants", I firmly established that E.T. is an asexual being who wanders the universe and gives pleasure to others with his magic finger.  If you’re going to use my characters at least follow the established lore behind them.  I don’t mind a bit of artistic license but this is taking the piss!

7)  The bit where Knuckles turned super was a bit stupid since he didn’t even have all of the chaos emeralds.

8)  While your writing is pretty decent, those horrible MSpaints were truly appalling.  I don’t mind seeing Bumblebee getting dinged up by a superfast hedgehog, but the poor image compression makes the action look like it has been censored out.  If you’re going to illustrate, I want to be able to see everything in glorious HD.

I know some of this might seem picky, but I truly believe that you will become a greater writer if you follow my advice.  If you would like some further tuition, my rates are extremely unreasonable.  Hope this helps!

~ETPhoneBoner