Friday 28 February 2014

Celebrity Spots

Being a minor Internet celebrity has it's perks. Once you've had a Blog running for two years and an eBook that has sold literally tens of copies, all sorts of doors begin to open up for you. Admittedly, those doors are usually automatic ones, but you can't help but feel that there's some sort of divine intervention behind curtain.

Just recently I've found myself rubbing shoulders with the hoi polloi of the entertainment industry. Whether this is down to my growing star power, or that I've gotten better at scaling the walls of celebrity mansions, I'm not sure. Either way, I thought I'd regale you with some of the moments that I met famous people out there in the wild.

For starters, last week I saw none other than the Canadian Batman himself, Hugh Jackman. He was fresh from the set of Batman vs Predator 2, and was wanting a drink in my local to cool down after a hard day shooting sex scenes. The barman refused to serve him because he was wearing a particularly sweaty vest and was singing loudly about French revolutions. Mr Jackman took a swipe at the landlord with his adamantium claws, only to realise that he doesn't actually have any, making him look like his punches were falling short by a couple of feet. I offered to buy him a pint of Fosters if he calmed down, to which he got angry as people in his homeland prefer starwberry daiquiris, then left in a huff.

Hugh in his award-winning role as Spiderman.

Moving on, I once shared a photobooth with the guy who plays the android in Futurama, Michael Fassbender. I wanted a passport photo, and he wanted some headshots for a website in which people post pictures of voles that resemble him. We shared the £4.00 cost and had a variety of different poses taken, including a couple of tasteful nudes that I keep in a private stash and only occasionally send to gossip mags for vast, three-figure sums.

Whilst hiking across the Yorkshire moors last Monday, I happened to stumble across Snoop Lion and Katy Perry trying to recreate their hit single, California Girls on the sodden, fog-infested hills of Yorkshire in the middle of Winter. Katy wore a bikini made of fruit pastilles, while Snoop appeared to have the crown jewels on, which were loaned to him for being the "doggiest dogg to ever bow wow" (which I understood upset him as his real fursona is that of a lion nowadays). There didn't seem to be any cameras or music and they rapped and gyrated around for the entertainment of myself and a couple of bemused field mice.  I stook around and politely listened to the first verse, before I wandered off and left them in the distance.

If that wasn't enough for you, I also clocked Keith Chegwin doing a driveby on a playa hater. Oh wait, I wasn't supposed to mention that. If the judge catches wind of that, my family could be in danger. Just forget I said anything, okay?

So, have you ever spotted some celebrities in real life?  Please share your stories here so that we can all live vicariously through the lives of famous people and somehow feel closer to them as a result.

16 comments:

  1. I think I lost it at Snoop Lion being a furry. It's one of the few real reasons that he could have changed from Snoop Dogg. I know I haven't met Hugh Jackman because, if I did, one of us would end up in jail. If it was him, then I'd be dead. If it was me, he'd be violated. I do believe he actually kept the prosthetic claws though, so he does have claws.

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    1. I like it how Snoop Lion/Dogg is currently doing a car insurance advert in which they play Who Am I in the background. His identity crisis is starting to get worse.

      Also, are you suggesting that you would sexually assault Hugh Jackman if he failed to kill you? It's good to have a dream I suppose.

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  2. As I live in an obscure and rather rural part of the world that has no signs pointing to it to tell you where it is and some hand written placards hastily put by the side of the road saying celebrity free zone so ********** off back to London with your designer labels, folk round here never see any one who you might consider a celebrity by national standards. We do have Boris who once juggled three pigs and can eat twenty five of Mrs Davies home made pork pies in one go, when I say one go he does not stick the entire twenty five in his mouth at once, we are talking Mrs Davies pork pies after all.

    And we all know the Vicar with his Blues Brothers suit, shades and who will insist on telling everyone . . . . He is on a mission from God.....

    Oooo and Rover the dog who can ride a unicycle.

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    1. Isn't Mrs Davies the woman who did the catering for Heartbeat? I'm feeling slightly starstruck by this revelation...

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  3. Oh, I'm sorry, that wasn't Katy Perry. That was me. The whip-cream can bra was a project I was making. That was Snoop, but in his defense, we were both really REALLY high.
    I didn't realize you were such a celebrity, can you sign my e-book?

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    1. If that was you rather than Katy Perry, why did you keep pausing inbetween sentences to sob over Russel Brand? In fact, scratch that. We all pause mid-sentence to sob over Russel Brand.

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  4. You saw Katy Perry, too? Surprising, because she doesn't get out much. Ever since she kissed Madonna, shaved her head, and dangled her baby out a 2nd story window, she been trying to keep her hideously pale skin hidden from the scorching camera flashes of the paparazzi. I guess she's just "Not That Innocent," anymore.

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    1. I think you're getting her confused with Pink. Or maybe one of The Coors, I can't quite tell.

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  5. I wouldn't mind seeing Huge Jackman in person. Of course no one would ever see him again after that.............

    My old roommate used to make me go with her to stalk the guys from that show Jackass when I lived in Philadelphia. Does that count?

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    1. You stalked the Jackass boys? I doubt it was that hard. Surely you just spent all of your time hanging around hospital waiting rooms?

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  6. One time I think I saw a guy who knew a guy who talked to a guy that saw a movie once.

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    1. Holy shit! That's the best story I've ever heatd. I'd ask you for more detail, but I don't think I could cope with it.

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  7. I once screamed at the one and only Nigel Havers (the gentlemans gentleman) as he tried to cross Portland Street in Manchester a few years back. The wife was driving me to work and I spotted him out of the corner of my good eye. "OHMYGODLOOKITSNIGELHAVERS!!" i shrieked more akin to a pre-pubescent teenage girl at Justine Beeber concert than a 30 year old man who should know better.
    The missus wasn't best pleased that my screams of joy nearly caused her to swerve into a old Chinese man who was waiting for the bookies to open, but I didn't care.
    It was Nigel Havers off of the TV and I saw him with my eyes.

    That is a true story and nobody can take that away from me.

    Oh yes, and I once got groped by the girl who played the barman's daughter in Early Doors. She knew what she was doing and I didn't stop her.

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    1. Loo Kits Nigel Havers . . . . . Where the hell did he get that nick name from Mr H.

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    2. It's a special name Nigel lets me use for him. He doesn't actually know this yet, but he hasn't said anything to the contrary so I'm taking it that he doesn't mind. He's awesome like that is Nigel..... Just don't call him Nige. He HATES that.

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    3. Hey, can you use your celebrity contacts to approach Nige on a business venture I've been considering? It's called Nigel Havers: Crazy Pavers.

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