Tuesday 1 April 2014

A - Astronaut

One of my many employment endeavors involved becoming an astronaut.  Going into space was always a big dream of mine.  From a very early age I used to watch old sci-fi movies, and I was immediately interested in signing up for galactic battles across the universe.  I always wanted to fight damsels in distress and make love to hideous alien slug-creatures (or the other way around, I’m easy).  That’s why I made it my mission to reach the stars.

Getting into the astronaut training programme isn’t easy.  They only pick Earth’s brightest and fittest for space missions, the cream of the crop.  That’s the main reason why I failed on my application.  But I was undeterred.  Those boys at NASA might have discerning standards, but those kindly folks over at the European Space Agency weren’t quite so stringent.  Basically, you have to pass a sobriety test and be able to read without moving your lips, and then you’re good to go.

Needless to say, I passed the ESA entrance with flying colours.  Mainly because I painted a space probe in a nice rainbow pattern before it was set to launch.  They liked the cut of my jib (to which I misunderstood and thought they were complementing my circumcision) and pledged to send me into space.

I waited for the call.  I sat on my bunk day after day awaiting the news that I would be going into space.  To boldly go where no man has gone before (but where we’ve previously sent several unwilling chimpanzees).  But nothing came.  I waited patiently for months and heard nothing.  When I enquired, I was told that Europe’s space programme is hopelessly subpar and that there were no planned missions on the horizon, or even the horizon’s horizon.

I decided that the ESA weren’t going to help me in my dream to explore the stars, so I vowed to take matters into my own hands.  If I wanted to get into space, there was only one guy who could turn that into a reality.  That man is Richard Branson.



Virgin Galactic were offering a competition for their first commercial spaceflight, and you could win a ticket onto that fateful shuttle.  The inaugural flight would include some incredible celebrities such as Leo Di Caprio, Ellen Paige, Donald Trump, and the walking remains of Jack Nicholson.  A chance to rub shoulders with those folks, and travel into space?  I had to be on that flight!

I entered the competition, which was to colour in a space rocket.  The best one would win that fateful ticket, so in order to give myself an advantage and show that I am capable of thinking outside the box, I coloured everything in outside the lines, leaving the space rocket white (as they usually are).  Unfortunately, Virgin Galactic do not share my creative vision, and gave it some dumb kid with Polio and his family instead.  Still, this set back did not fully defeat me.  I still had a plan to get on that rocket.

The night before the flight, I tunnelled under the security fences at Virgin HQ and broke into the vessel.  Here, I would hide until morning, and then after the flight had begun, I’d jump out and surprise Richard Branson and the gang.  They’d love me for my spontaneous personality, and we’d spend the rest of the journey sipping drinks and taking photos of topless Venusian babes.  It’d be totally awesome!

So, while all the pomp and circumstance was going on outside and the celebrities boarded the craft, I was safely tucked away in a small container towards the back, listening to the events unfold.  The craft launched successfully, and I heard the celebs start moving about the cabin.  Jack Nicholson shambled towards the lavatory to change his colostomy bag, which I figured would give me the perfect opportunity to jump out and surprise him as he exits the bathroom.

I heard him flush, and as I primed myself to pounce on the womanising fool, I felt something warm spraying all over me.  It was Jack Nicholson’s excrement.  Before I could react, I suddenly found myself being sucked out into the vacuum of space.  It turns out that I’d stowed away in the waste compartment, which gets blasted out whenever someone flushes.  As I slowly spun through the cosmos, covered in a geriatric man’s shit and having the air pulled from my lungs, I witnessed the spectacular sights of the universe.  I figured that perhaps now was a good time to consider my retirement from the aeronautics industry.

23 comments:

  1. When Jack Nicholson is changing his colostomy bag, does he say, "This town needs an enema"?
    Also, where does astronaut poop go? When they talk about "space junk" is most of it feces? Was that the shrapnel in Gravity!?!

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    1. They reckon that all space debris orbiting Earth is coated with a very, very, very thin layer of human fecal matter. So don't go touching any satellites!

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  2. I hate it when that happens. At least you got picked up by a passing UFO and made it safely back to earth.

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    1. It was exactly like that scene in Life Of Brian, only less realistic.

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  3. I laughed so hard when I read this post! Thanks for making me smile on the first day of the A-Z challenge :-)

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    1. You're welcome.

      Now the real challenge is to come back every day and see if you laugh every time.

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  4. You know, the tickets to get on that thing are only $250,000.00. You could always try again.

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    1. Yeah, I'll just throw a bit of spare change at Richard Branson. I'm sure that would cover it.

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  5. I think my parents told me that I would see civilian space travel for fun in my lifetime. I laughed at them.

    Little did I know . . .

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    1. Frankly, I'm still baffled by wireless Internet. What an age we live in.

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  6. I always fancied making a spacecraft, after all I worked in the industry for years in a secret research lab which I am not allowed to talk about because of the official secrets act, although we only made tiny things because this is Britain and we dont spend loads of money on things like that. (no its true I really did that).

    Anyway Mr Branson's ideas have sort of got into a bit of a pickle now (Branson Pickle . . . HAH AH HAH AH HAH AH HA HAH AH AH HA HAH AH HA HA ha ha ha hahaha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha)

    Well done Sir Addman a very cool start . . . Its rather Odd to see my own drawing popping up in the sexy blogs list . . . I am famous . . . DAMN, what happened to all the money? . . . . . . I hope you plan to give your E Book a plug on route to Z . . . A golden opportunity me thinks. see you tomorrow.

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    1. Judging from your rocket blueprints, I imagine that your spaceships would put Branson's to shame. You really should make a move in the aerospace industry. I would invest literally pennies in such a venture.

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  7. You may want to reconsider retiring. I'm almost certain NASA doesn't drug test anymore. How can they with pot becoming legal everywhere? Fun times, fun times, you could be missing out just because of Jack Nicholson.

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    1. It's difficult to continue your career when you're floating through the vacuum of space. If I ever make it back, I'll reconsider my options.

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  8. This reminds me of that one time that I was Richard Branson.

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    1. Wait, you're THE Richard Branson? I such a huge fan of your TV work. You always outshine Usain Bolt and David Tennant with your superior acting skills.

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  9. That's a cheap and nasty trick by Old Jack Nicholson. I've heard he's always shitting on people from a great height. Somebody should have a word with him about his attitude at altitude......

    Ps- that the cleverest/funniest comment I have ever made and I am quite proud of it.... hahahahahaha

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    1. I've already printed your comment off and have it framed on my wall of fame. You should be incredibly pleased. I only have 40927 other items on this wall.

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  10. This is fantastic!!! Although, I gotta say, I would think that going into space with Jack Nicholson would've been a bit more glamorous. Can't wait to see what other schemes you reveal this month! :D

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    1. Yes, when I first considered space travel with celebrities, I never really considered that I might end up covered in excrement and having the breath sucked out of my lungs in the cold harshness of space, but things never really end up as you hope.

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  11. It looks like someone "Flew Under the Caca's Nest."

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