Addman Clothing Ltd

Today I have a special announcement to make.  Yes, I am aware that I have a special announcement to make every week, but this is far more important than the new hand wash I bought for my bathroom last time (even if it is chocolate orange flavour). 

This week I have been trying to establish myself as a fashion brand.  I figured that most people who are somebody have their own fashion label these days, from Will.I.Am to Matthew “Fred” Perry.  Well, since any old nutter can step into Versace’s shoes and claim themselves as a fashion icon, who am I to pass up on the opportunity?  I may know next to nothing about fashion and my look has been described as “Distressing” by anyone in the business, but I can’t let tiny details like that put me off.  Here’s a diary of my progress so far:

Monday:  First off, I decided I would evaluate current trends in the fashion industry and do some much needed research.  Since it was a red hot summer’s day, I decided to look into swimsuits on the Internet.  Five hours and two bleeding pupils later, I decided that I would actually have to do some research.

One of the first things I noticed is that designers are combining clothing together for double function.  Jeggings, jorts, shoe boots, they’re all hideous amalgamations of two items of clothing, stitched together like disgusting frankenclothes.  This was a trend I could easily embrace.  It would take little effort to combine clothes together and doesn’t need a great deal of imagination.  I hit the drawing board straight away, then realised I’d broken it and went to buy another.

Tuesday:  The morning was spent doing some intense brainstorming.  Then I remembered that the term “brainstorm” is offensive to people with mental issues, so I ditched all my work and started again.  This time, I spent the afternoon doing a mind map, which was awesome because it’s exactly the same as a brainstorm but makes you sound like a neurosurgeon.

Feel the immense power of my mind mapping.

After some intense mind mapping, plus a short break to research swimsuits again, my ideas were laid out in front of me.  It was a veritable battlefield of creativity, an intricate tapestry woven from thought-filled threads.  After crossing out all the ideas involving sharks, I looked over my remaining ideas and felt rather optimistic that I could create something really special.

Wednesday:  The time had come to bring my creations to life, but I needed some models to wrap those fabrics around.  I didn’t know where to get models at such short notice, but then I noticed a bunch of beardy guys rooting around in the bins outside Tesco who didn’t seem to be doing anything.  I hired these bums immediately, relieved them of their lice-ridden parkas, and began to drape materials over their unkempt forms.

I had hoped to create clothing for women, because as a fashion designer, no one likes to see a man in the nude.  However, it is surprising how few vagrants are actually female.  My little harem of models was all male and hairier than a Pomeranian after a pint of Pirelli’s Miracle Elixir.  Still, beggars can’t be choosers so, with clothespegs firmly planted on my nose, I continued my work.  I had a meeting with a leading high street store in the morning, and I needed my models to look super fabulous for it.

Thursday:  The big day arrived.  I walked into the head office of Primark with my troupe in tow.  We had some minor disagreements with the door security, and several of my models tried to eat the plastic fruit in the waiting room, but in short succession, we were in the boardroom with several suited big wigs holding their noses in interest.  I delivered my pitch like a man possessed, frantically flailing around with samples.  Let me talk you through the pitch:

 

Who wears jort jorts?

First off, I showed off my summer range.  Using the principles I’d established earlier of combining clothes together, I’d created a gorgeous range of t-shorts with hilarious slogans emblazoned on them.  The hobos performed amicably, treating the boardroom table as a catwalk as they strutted their funky stuff.  The executives did get an eyeball of mattered scrotum through a neck hole I’d forgotten to sew up, but I promised that would be fixed before the final product.

Next up was my amazing autumn range.  I combined coats and hats to make a wonderful new line of cats.  I covered the cats with fallen leaves for that authentically rustic autumnal look.  Plus, many of the hobos came covered in a layer of leaves anyway, so it made sense to make use of them.  The execs didn’t seem too keen when one of the models scratched a sore on his neck and small twigs and insects fell into the coffee pot.  However, I still had an ace up my sleeve.

My winter collection contained a dazzling range of jeggings and jorts.  This unique blend of clothing was completely impractical for the winter months, but fashion doesn’t respect the elements.  I just knew that they’d be wowed by the objective beauty of these costumes and that they’d snap my hand off to buy up my label.  The execs thanked me and said they’d be in touch tomorrow with a decision.

Friday:  The fire service pulled the hosepipe off of my car exhaust at the last moment.  The rejection letter from Primark was still clutched to my chest as I was lifted from the car and taken to hospital.

So there you have it, a cautionary tale from the world of fashion.  I’m too far in to stop now, but let this be a warning to anyone who wants to set up their own fashion brand.

I'm 27 And I

-  Know, and regularly recite, all the words to Willy Bum Bum (if you don't know it, search for it on YouTube or watch it here).

-  Own a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles t shirt.

-  Haven't really mastered a new skill since I learned to drive.  I can cook very simple things but still get overly flustered over cooking for no apparent reason.

-  Still laugh at my jokes.  Especially if no one else is laughing.

-  Am still trying to become a Pokemon master.

-  Realised that my favourite foods are ones that you don't have to chew very much.  Mashed potato and tomato soup feature quite highly on this list.

-  Have to dramatically act out Tenacious D's Tribute whenever I hear it.

-  Only recently discovered that Fanta is a pile of shit. 

-  Own, in conjunction with Mrs Addman, over 500 DVDs and Blu Rays.  This isn't a confession, this is more of a brag.

- Am more addicted to sugar now than I was when I was a child.

- Did this same article when I was 23 and 25, and most of that stuff still applies today.

Well I've listed a bunch of embaressing stuff, and now it's your turn.  Come on, 'fess up, what are your kidulthood confessions?

Biscuit Wars: Episode 2

If you cast your mind back about a month, you might remember that a huge division occurred upon this Blog over choices of biscuits.  You can read the fallout in the comments sections here, but to sum it all up, me and Bumferry had a professional disagreement about biscuits.  He uploaded a video of himself eating a whole bunch of custard creams, and this is my incredibly late response.  Sorry for the wait, but I hope you all enjoy watching a guy fresh from the shower stuffing his maw with biscuits.

If you didn't enjoy that, then I can only apologise and assure you that more written goodness will be on the way shortly.

The Large Hardon Collider

Modern day science is something that we all take for granted. What with our plasma screen toasters and clockwork tapirs, we don't often stop and think about the marvellous science at work behind each of these products.

A fine example of this is the humble microwave.  Microwave cookers have been around for decades now. They've become a part of our daily lives, so much so that a George Formby Grilling Machine seems sophisticated in comparison. But did you know that microwave ovens were invented for the space program? Technically, we all have a souvenier of the space program in our houses. So, if the space race allowed us to make warm, buttery popcorn in seconds, imagine what technology will be born from The Large Hardon Collider.

The Large Hardon Collider (or LHC for short), is a giant machine underneath Amsterdam which fires two Hardons at each other at near-light speeds. Scientists accelerate the Hardons until they can't take any more, then smash them together.

A Bigs Bosom detector

Why are they doing this? Well, it's science for science's sake really, but the energy released when two Hardons rub together is expected to reveal something called the Bigs Bosom.

Scientists in Amsterdam believe that the Bigs Bosom creates Hardons. If we can prove this, this means our current physics model is correct and we know everything there is to know about Hardon science. As such, there is a lot riding on these Bigs Bosoms, and it's their job, as men of science, to examine them thoroughly.

After building a large underground lair-I mean laboratory for discovering these Bigs Bosoms, these top men have allowed their aparatus to be turned on, and are taking close up, voyeristic shots of Hardons.  They are measuring them intensely in the hopes of proving that Bigs Bosoms are not just bouncing around on the fringes of myth, but are real and can be observed by anyone who is so inclined.

If and when we find the Bigs Bosom, we must refrain from getting noticably excited.  The technology to observe and harness these bad boys may be years away, but it is my hope that the world will become a better place in future, all thanks to Bigs Bosoms and the Hardons they cause.

((I'm sorry to any ladies who feel left out by this post. As way of an apology, please enjoy this picture of Henry Cavill having his clothes melted off))

Hot Confessions

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The Giant Mechanical Addman

It's not everyday that someone designs you a mechanical death contraption, so when it happens you know it's going to be an extraordinary day.  That's what happened last week when my delightful brother-from-another-dimension, Rob Z Tobor, drew up this masterpiece:

That, my friends, is a blueprint for a giant mechanical Addman.  Notice the Jammie Dodger in his hand?  That is a laser-guided laser system capable of firing lasers.  With Mr Rob's dilligent efforts, I shall put these 100% mechanically plausible design plans into mass production.  Anyone who pledges allegiance now shall be spared.

Of course, this overdue revolution wouldn't be possible without a big thank you to the eccentric child of cyberspace, so I encourage you all to read The Eccentric Diary Of Rob Z Tobor right now.  Or you can stick around and read the rest of this post first, then visit his Blog.

This act of generosity got me thinking.  Are there any other Bloggers who I owe a big thank you to?  Anyone who has inspired me, made me laugh, offered kind words of support, and generally been active around here deserves a thank you.  I don't say this a lot, but today I'm feeling soppy, sentimental, and will probably give you all a girly kiss on the bottom.  Actually, I take that back.  Nevertheless, I'd like to thank the following people.  Whether they know it or not, they've helped me keep Muppets For Justice going, mainly because I'm trying to compete with them in some pathetic manner:

Thoughtless Gibberish - Bumferry Hogart is a great guy who contributes the mighty fine voice of Hugh Huxley to the podcast (which shall be returning soon!).  His Blog is always funny, he's up for anything, and deserves more attention.  Go and follow him, if you know what's good for you.

Chiz Chat - Chiz has contributed several times to this Blog and he is never less than hilarious.  A surge in popularity might encourage him to post more often, so let's make it happen!

Beer For The Shower - Great cartoons, great writers, great...everything.  The Beer For The Shower boys are some of the funniest writers I've ever come across, and that's not to mention the excellent sketches contributed to my podcast.  More than worth your time.

Pickleope - What's green, has antlers, and is frightened to death of dolphin rape?  That'd be Pickleope, the world's funniest pickle since Pickleoctopus, the philandering clown.

The Rambling Person - Mark runs a candid Blog about writing and life in general.  Support Mark in his bid for writing supremacy!

The Suddenly Kate Show - Blogger, critic, writer, poet, stitcher, and all round creative type person.  Show your support here.

The Incoherent Ramblings Of A Moose - Not a "mom blog".  Involves tales of infanticide and extreme humour.  A must.

Point Counter-Point Point Point - I've not been following this one for long, but I love the back and forth banter between Christian and Pat.  Presented as a debate, their posts are hilarious, intelligent and interesting.

Elton Says Things - The crudest Blogger I know, which is definitely a good thing!  Also, he designed that lovely Muppets For Justice banner at the top there.

Ash-Matic Does Things - The way in which Ash-Matic writes about the things he does leaves me in jealous contempt.  That means he must be excellent.  A great writer and a funny guy to boot.

If I haven't mentioned your Blog, that doesn't mean I don't like it.  In fact, I probably love it!  However, there are far too many to list, so thanks to you all for reading my stuff and putting up with me.  If you'd like to suggest a few worthy blogs in the comments below, please do so, even if it's your own.  I'm looking to expand the Blogs I read and would welcome suggestions.  Let the shameless self promotion begin!

The Creepiest Games You Know

Welcome to the dark side, where up is down, time is no time at all, and jelly babies are now jelly teenagers and won't come out of their rooms for a family meal.  That's right, you've reached the Twilight Zone of the Internet, and once you've changed your underwear after that frightening first sentence, we're going to explore the scariest business that the electronic format can provide.  Namely, creepy video games. 

Anyway, while there are plenty of frightening games out there, sometimes developers will throw a curveball into an otherwise happy, child friendly game.  I want to discuss those video game moments that are either unintentionally upsetting, or just outright jarring.  Below is a small selection of utterly horrifying gaming moments that quite simply shouldn’t be.

The Gameboy Camera Faces

Back in the late 90’s, Nintendo released a camera peripheral for their wildly popular Gameboy.  The idea was that you could take photos, edit them, and print them out for your friends.  The last thing that Gameboy camera owners expected to see was this:

The image is actually an error handler.  Rather than displaying an error message if something goes wrong, Ninty thought it would be a lot more child friendly to display disfigured faces with the rather menacing phrase “WHO ARE YOU RUNNING FROM?”.  Considering that one of the main causes of this error was by selecting the Run command, which hadn’t actually been programmed, this often seen error screen caused many childhood nightmares.

Most developers would have either just removed the Run command or displayed a generic error message, but Nintendo decided to opt for this frankly baffling picture.  Perhaps they thought it was a joke, but either way, it was poorly judged on their part.

Sonic CD

Oh what fun!  Here’s a game where you leap around as a little blue hedgehog and free tiny animals from robots!  This game will be completely suitable for my children and guaranteed not to scar them for life:

Oh.

This was a sound test easter egg put in by a development team who had spent the first half of eternity in hell.  Of course, an eyeless freaky Sonic is a perfect image to show the kiddywinks!  They’re going to enjoy seeing their cutesy hero wearing a threatening mask while he leers at you through those soulless sockets.  What makes this even worse is the music associated with it.  Seriously, watch this on YouTube for the full effect:

Super Mario Galaxy

Super Mario Galaxy was one of the biggest hits on one of the most ubiquitous console of recent years, The Wii.  If you’ve ever played the game, did you ever get the eerie sense that you were being watched?  Well you should have done, largely down to these little folks:

Yes, there are mysterious shadow figure overseeing the events of Super Mario Galaxy.  Who are these secretive beings?  Can they feel love?  Who on the art team thought to include them?  Chances are, with this being a tiny speck of the background that has been magnified, one of the artists included this as a joke.  What’s more surprising is that someone even noticed this in the first place.

Fallout 3

There are many horrors that an irradiated wasteland can offer up, but none quite compare to the skinless floating muscle people that occasionally pop up in Fallout 3.

During the game you can quite easily blow enemies to pieces, quite literally, spreading their organs and guts across the ruins of DC.  But occasionally, a bug in the game causes those pieces to reform into a character.  Sometimes they'll mysteriously float around aimlessly, others can be interacted with, but all are freaky as all hell.

Half Life 2

Okay, Half Life 2 is intentionally creepy in a lot of places, but this one is a particularly freaky easter egg that everyone will have come across without knowing it.  Specifically, the zombie headcrab noise:

Yes, those people are screaming "OH GOD HELP ME", which is a nice unsettling touch added by the developers there.

Anyway, that's all I have to share with you today.  I figured that the blazing sunlight and longer daytime hours of July would make an ideal backdrop to discuss scary stuff, rather than waiting until Halloween like a walking cliché.  Regardless, do you have any unintentionally creepy gaming moments to share?

My Destiny

Things have been pretty hectic in the Addman homestead as of late.  Like other billions of moronic fools out there, I made an almost impossible New Year’s Resolution back in January, and I’ve realised that I have less than 6 months to achieve it.  That goal is to “Fulfil My Destiny”.

As with the majority of things in life, fulfilling one’s destiny is far easier said than done.  Frankly, I didn’t know where to start with such a task.  I’m sure that all humans have a destiny, but how do you discern it?  And once you’ve done that, what if you’re not up to the task?  I mean, my destiny may have been to make sweet love to Theresa May while blacked up, but the practicalities of achieving this are quite staggering.

If the stories are to be believed, fulfilling one’s destiny always requires some sort of journey.  Taking this as my starting point, I filled a backpack with the bare essentials (Slinky, Nintendo DS, backup slinky, pogo stick, emergency slinky, Diablo, rainbow slinky, plastic dog turd, etc.) and set out on my ambitious personal quest.

Everyone loves a slinky

I made it as far as the bus stop before I ran into my first problem.  Several people tried to get on the bus before me.  They didn’t understand that I was on a quest to fulfil my destiny, so I pushed them out of the way, toppled two toddlers, shattered an elderly woman’s pelvis, and slammed my cash down in the bus driver’s tray.  The driver refused to let me on for line cutting.  Apparently I had to be “courteous” to other passengers.  This was just wasting my time, time that could be spent fulfilling my destiny.  I explained this calmly and rationally to the bus driver as I tore his ears off and spoke softly into them.  He toppled over in agony, and it was clear that he wasn’t going to drive me to my destiny.  Frankly, I found him to be a rather rude individual, so I decided to continue my adventure on foot.

I walked for several days.  I walked over abandoned aqueducts, through untouched fields, and through the Aldi car park where my friend got bummed in a bottlebank.  Eventually, I came across a thick, dusky forest.  This seemed like an ideal location to find my true calling.  Despite the trees apparent whispering of “kill, KILL”, I entered the forest without a moment’s hesitation. 

Whittling a sharp stick as I walked, I whistled a ditty to try and drown out the whistling and followed my instincts deeper into the fauna labyrinth.  Without warning, a rabbit ran across my path, stopping in the centre to groom its cutesy bunny whiskers.  Perhaps this was a test.  Perhaps my destiny was to become the greatest woodsman alive.  I threw my pointy stick, but it narrowly missed its target as the rabbit bounded away down the path.  I gave chase, picking up my stick on the way, determined not to let this bunny live.  It weaved and bounced through logs and shrubbery, leaving the path behind, but I wasn’t deterred.  I was possessed, like a man who really wanted to kill a rabbit for no discernable reason.

Eventually, we ran out into a clearing.  I raised my arm to throw my makeshift spear, but I noticed something which stopped me in my tracks.  The forest clearing was rife with sickeningly sweet critters.  From fauns to frogs.  From rabbit to rodents.  All had gathered to bear witness to a majestic multi-horned deer, glistening in the centre of the clearing.  It raised its hoof onto an upturned log, then howled in a sweet deer-like fashion.  As I stood astounded, the log began to sprout leaves along its long deceased bark, sprouted new branches, and rooted itself back into the ground.  This deer was healing the forest.  Perhaps it was the forest guardian, responsible for every living thing, keeping the delicate balance in order.  I was stunned by this wondrous event, and all at once, knew what my destiny was.

The forest guardian.  Posh venison.

As I left the forest, I turned to look back at the towering inferno I’d caused.  As the woods were razed to the ground, I felt a sense of satisfaction spread over me.  The forest guardian turned out to be no match for man’s great fire, as I tucked into my chargrilled venison, enjoying the juices as they ran down my chin.  I surveyed the carnage and realised that this would be a great site for a new housing estate.  And thus, the seeds were planted and my destiny fulfilled.  I was to become the founder of Barratts.  We have brilliant houses at affordable prices!  Book a viewing today!

2014: A Retrospective

Greetings fellow space-travellers.  We hope that you are enjoying your shuttle to the Nebulon Cluster and will continue to use Slipspace Tours in the future.  Make sure to try the Neptunian Invertibrate Platter, it's delicious!  Anyway, your inflight entertainment today is a documentary about the year 2014.  Please enjoy.



2014.  The year of the peregrine falcon.  A time when people used wheels to travel rather than suction tubes, and people were still born into families.  This was a turbulent year for human existence, and one which shaped the present we know of today in 2114.

The year started off innocently enough when the human race finally created talking food.  This technological achievement lead to a culinary revolution across the globe.  Now, broccoli could inform the customer how long it takes to boil at which optimum temperature.  Beef could demand to be tenderised, shouting at the chef to “put your back into it!” and calling them a “sissy nancy boy”.  This lead to an increase in dinner parties around the world.  Many famous chefs released their own talking dishes, until one of Gordon Ramsey’s Lamb Shanks was accused of telling a child to “Grind my fucking meat, you little cunt!”

What the first talking food products may have looked like.

Despite this glorious start to the year, events quickly turned sour when the Apple corporation threatened to invade Ireland.  Inspired by Ireland’s progressive business tax regime, Apple decided to take ownership of the entire country in order to prevent their rivals from benefitting from the same tax rates.  Although the invasion was short lived, it was the swiftest and most brutal conflict in human history as Apple deployed their SmartTanks and their iICBMs, turning the whole country into an irradiated wasteland.  After an initial assault of only 8 hours, 93% of the population had been obliterated.  Apple ceased the invasion when it realised that there were few remaining natives to sell their products to.  This event instilled the Irish with a deep-seated fear of Jobs, a fear which continues to this day.

Other global conflicts arose when the KONY 2 campaign kicked off on Kickstarter, trying to raise enough money to buy a rocket, strap Kony to it, and blast it into the sun.  The campaign was so successful that many Kickstarter donators signed up their own children to fight against this global menace.  Anyone who donated their child got a free signed photograph of the organiser waving his genitals at passing traffic.  As a result, Kickstarter now owns the largest platoon of child soldiers on the planet, and plans to use them to reboot Bugsy Malone.

Speaking of reboots, 2014 was the year when movie reboots became a genre in themselves.  Although we take movie reboots for granted these days, there was a time when less than 100% of films were reboots, and 2014 turned out to be the pivotal point.  There were reboots of The Matrix, The Nutty Professor, Liar Liar, Flubber and Jumanji, each darker and grittier than the last.

Some men just want to watch the world gurn.

Other than cinema, global culture was beginning to stagnate.  Book publishers and ballet producers were unwilling or unable to make dark reboots of their famous classics, so a new form of culture had to be established.  This new cultural phenomenon started out at street level and was universally derided upon its inception.  Who could have dreamed that by 2114 it would be a multi-billion dollar industry with advocates stretching across the galaxy.  That medium is, of course, Artistic Wanking.  Although it is almost unthinkable in modern times that people were repulsed by this, back then it was the height of taboo and people were forced to wank in private like social pariahs.

Anyway, that’s all we have time for today.  Join us next time on 2014 Retrospective where we’ll be looking at the coronation of North West, PSY’s song for Korean peace, and the day that people realised that PRISM was actually in their own interest.