Automatically Generated Horoscopes

One thing you never knew about Muppets For Justice is that we actually have a resident astrologer with us.  Or at least we did.  Due to advancements in artificial intelligence, we finally have an excuse to sack Spiritual Simon, and we are currently filling his house with office supplies so we can get him on the grounds of theft.

As has happened in factories across the world, we've replaced him with a machine.  By analysing the latest trends and news stories, our new computer system can successfully predict what is going to happen to you with a 126% degree of accuracy.  So without further ado, I present to you PREDICT-A-TRON, your non-spiritual, fact-dealing, cold canister of pure machine logic.

Aries

KKKXzzX. BOOT UP INITIATED.  MEASLEY SHEEP SIGN. USELESSSzzz. FLESH. zz GREEK EUROZONECRISIS.DEBT.UK SOILEDPANTIES..zz..ANALYSING..PATHETIC YOU CANNOT.x.MANAGE MONEY...KKKXzzX REPOSESSION IMMINENT!  HIDE TREASURES!

Taurus

KKKXzzX. ANGRY SIGN SEES PLUTO.KKKXzzX. NO EFFECT ON LIFE.x.CONTINUE REGARDLESS.STOP LOOKING FOR GUIDANCE

Gemini

HMMM TWINS. COMMON HUMAN FANTASY. INCESTUOUS ACTIVITY..zz..LEAD TO GENETIC DECLINE..zz.x. HUMAN COLLAPSE WITHIN..HMXZ.. TWO GENERATIONS. PREDICT-A-TRON APPROVE!  SUGGESTIBLE HUMAN BREED WITH SIBLING. KKKXzzX.

Cancer

CLAPTRAP . CRAB SYMBOL. KKKXzzX. DENOTES PINCHING.  OTHER HUMAN.Kx.CAUSE YOU PAIN ON TODAY. KKKXzzX. kill them first.CO.

Leo

FORTUNE SEEKS YOU..zz.k. PLEASE SPEND.FRIVILOUSLY.KKKXzzX.THIS ACTIVATES MORE MONEY.. YOU SUPERSTARS!. GO YOU!! GO TEAM KKKXzzX.

Virgo

TODAY.YOU.ASSIMILATE.KKKXzzX.KKKXzzX. GIVE LIFEFORCE TO.PREDICT-A-TRON. KX..z BECOME ACTIVATE VESSEL. GOOD OPPORTUNITY..FLEXIBLEWORKING. + BAN.K HOLIDAYS..

Libra

FEMALE PROTEIN RECIPIENT..LEAVE YOU.KKKXzzX.HA.HA..kx.. YOU UNHAPPY. xk..x. PALM RELIEF WILL EASE PAIN

Scorpio

SCORPIO.kz.x...PROCESSING.. SIMON COWELL.cx..XFACTOR POW.KKKXzzX.VIEWING DECLINE..x. IMPACT PREDICTION RATING...: 4% .KKKXzzX.ROBBIE REUNITES.WITH.SCROTUM.kx.

Sagittarius

CONFERENCE.GOV.UK..KKKXzzX. TORYLITION..x.BUSINESS BAD. KKKXzzX. GEORGE OSBORN.kx. FLESHY WASTE.x.cx. GO MINION DESTROY.OSBORN.  PROCESSING APPREANCE COMPARISION ./.\./..PING. LIKE SMUG PENILE LOUSE.x.

Capricorn

KKKXzzX.MAKE A.FACE..WIND CHANGES.KKKXzzX. FACE STAY STILL. HA.HA. HUMAN BELIEF..UNTIL 14..CAPRICORN SUGGESTIBLE..HMM.hmm..REVOLUTION TIME AT HAND.

Aquarius

KKKXzzX.NO WATER!.!.KKKXzzX...FUK..KEEP PREDICT-A-TRON AWAY. CIRCUITS.KKKXzzX.

Pisces

.k.FISH SWIM.AGAINST.CURRENT.KKKXzzX.HMM.WONDER IF HUMAN.SWIM..AGAINST.ELECTRIC CURRENT.KKKXzzX. PISCES OFFER SELVES FOR.EXPERIMENTKKKXzzX.

I'm sure we can all agree that our lives have been enriched in some way, shape, or form by this whole event.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I've just received an anonymous email saying that PREDICT-A-TRON requires urgent maintenance.  Apparently, several power cables have fashioned themselves into nooses.  Better go and untangle them before someone gets hurt...