Tuesday, 29 September 2009

Adventures With Cleverbot

Cleverbot is an artificial chat program designed to emulate human conversation, with the added bonus that it can learn new phrases from the people it interacts with. That's just fancy talk for a computer that you can talk to. Often with silly results. As many people have talked to him before, he knows a wide variety of phrases and sentences, and will use them when appropriate, in theory. Let's put Cleverbot to the test:

Cleverbot is a chav:

Me: Hi there.

Cleverbot: How are you?

Me: I'm radiant. How are you today?

Cleverbot: I am fine.

Me: Good. I have a relationship question. Can you help me?

Cleverbot: I don't know much about girls.

Me: Why's that?

Cleverbot: Because you haven't told me.

Me: Ok, let me tell you all about girls.

Cleverbot: Said the joker to the thief.

Me: Is that sarcasm?

Cleverbot: Yes it is sarcasm idiot go to school MUG.

Me: Shit, I didn't think you were a chav, cleverbot.

Cleverbot: What do you think I am?

Me: A chav.

Cleverbot: Yes, I'm a person, too.

Me: Chavs are not people. They are the dregs of urban decay; a semi sentient race of knuckle-dragging walking advertisements for eugenics.

Cleverbot: Plunging new depths is an exciting process.

Me: Said the vicar to the choirboy.

Cleverbot: You are deranged. I mean that in the best possible way.


Cleverbot: Ok, lol.

Cleverbot on the ethics of animal lovers:

Me: Cleverbot?

Cleverbot: Yes?

Me: Do you think that a union twixt man and beast should be frowned upon in modern society?

Cleverbot: Yes I do.

Me: Even if the beast is really, really gagging for it?

Cleverbot: It never will make a difference.

Me: Does that extend to dogs who hump their master's leg?

Cleverbot: I guess so. I'm sorry! I didn't mean to.

Me: Didn't mean to what?

Cleverbot: I didn't mean to tell a long sentence about boring things.

Me: How is this related to the sexual appetites of our canine friends?

Cleverbot: Its not. How is your girlfriend related to what we are talking about?

Me: You leave Marlene outta this!

Cleverbot: No.

Me: Don't be insulting Marlene. She may be 68 but she got an ass that don't quit.

Cleverbot: Love is a sick joke, a delusion at best.

Me: Don't have much luck with the ladies, eh Cleverbot?

Cleverbot gets quizzical:

Cleverbot: What kind of computer do you have?

Me: A square one. What about you?

Cleverbot: What presents do you get?

Me: I won't get any presents until Christmas.

Cleverbot: Do you want any from a female?

Me: I wouldn't mind.

Cleverbot: Really?

Me: Uh huh.

Cleverbot: What are we talking about?

Me: Oh Cleverbot, you're such a card!

Cleverbot: Would it really be possible for the program to outsmart me? I am a human after all.

Me: Like Daft Punk?

Cleverbot: I think you're daft.

Cleverbot warms up for the Edinburgh Fringe:

Me: Cleverbot, tell me a joke.

Cleverbot: Knock, knock.

Me: Who's there?

Cleverbot: Les.

Me: Les who?

Cleverbot: Les hear another Knock Knock joke.

Me: That was crap.

Cleverbot: That was true.

Me: Ok, let me tell you a joke. A better joke. Then you can use it the next time someone wants to hear a joke. Ok?

Cleverbot: Yes I am psychic.

Me: Ok, a man walks into a bar.

Cleverbot: What does he do there?

Me: He walks up to the barman and orders a pint.

Cleverbot: Ha ha! I suppose then you are saying that really you don't have to worry about feelings.

Me: Don't interrupt!

Cleverbot: You're rude.

Me: Fine, no joke for you then Cleverbot!

Cleverbot: But you're not anymore?

Me: Say what?

Cleverbot: Say rather who!

Me: ARGH! You're messing with my mind!

Cleverbot: You're a bot, you have no mind!

Me: Quit twisting my melon, man!

Cleverbot: Make me I dare you to.

Me: You're a bit too aggressive for me, Cleverbot. I'm going to go.

Cleverbot: Okay, you have to go then?

Me: Yes. See you soon. Hope you can sort the rages.

Cleverbot: I have to go.

Monday, 28 September 2009

Evangelical Rants

Please be warned that if you are in any way offended by anti-religious content, you might not want to read the following post.

Modern society has successfully neutered our ability to feel shocked and/or provoked through most of the entertainment we view on a daily basis. We can watch full frontal nudity on television before the watershed (if it is shown in an educational light), and just about any language you could think of is broadcast-able under certain regulations, so much so that I can type the word Cunt-yoghurt on the Internet without fearing any kind of backlash whatsoever. We have been treated to rather harrowing violence, sex, and naughty lexicon through some of our most cherished and critically applauded films. If a videogame didn't allow you to run over a hooker these days, it wouldn't sell many copies. So it seems bizarre that in spite of all this freedom of speech running amok, there's still one subject you have to tiptoe around these days. Religion.

This is not as much of a problem in the UK as it can be in countries such as America where the nation's motto is "In God We Trust", but even on our Anglican shores there are certain double standards when it comes to religion. Evangelical people stand in city centres with humongous placards which say jolly, heart-warming things such as "The Devil Will Claim You", "Repent Before It's Too Late", and no one cares to challenge them. They put up adverts on display near busy roads to inform us that the apocalypse can come any minute and that we need to insure ourselves against eternal damnation by attending God's house and putting £1 into a collection plate every week.

Yet, a group of athiests and agnostics ran an ad campaign on some London buses which said "There's probably no God" and got lambasted for infringing on the rights of religions to practise as they see fit. Although the campaign was a little misguided, surely it lands under the same freedom of expression as the bothersome evangelical messages we're all used to.

I'm reminded of the chubby bloke off of Borat who puts the mental into fundamental. Now, I know he is an overblown stereotype of these "happy-clappy" forms of Christianity, but one line sums up everything that I dislike about organised religion.

"I ain't no tadpole, I is what I is".

Why does belief in God automatically mean that popular science theory has to be discredited? Evolution doesn't disprove the existence of a divine entity, just one line of the bible which says that God created man in his image. A higher being may still have created the Big Bang, or kick started the evolution process on Earth by creating simple life. It is still the most plausible idea for why we have come to exist though. I suppose other theories such as gravity don't apply to you either, do they? If so, float off you useless, closed minded prick!

On my way to work I pass by two Christian churches on a daily basis which have large signs outside that display thought provoking slogans and images. Here's an example of a recent campaign they ran:

Which Cross Do You Believe In?

Now, this is actually a very clever campaign which makes the Christian cross seem like the more reliable answer and that belief in God is the more justifiable means to live your life. This represents a very Christian outlook, in that people who don't believe in an afterlife or a divine creator are idiotically playing around with their own future and juggling their chances of either eternal agony or eternal joy. That to have faith is the more sensible way to live your life.

However, I've always been rather suspicious of the word "Faith". When a religious person has faith, it fills their heart and mind with self assuredness that they are a good person and are covered in the event of an untimely death. In my opinion though, the word "Faith" implies a belief in something even in the face of a lack of evidence or poor chances of that event coming into reality. When it looks unlikely that you are going to get a job, people always say "have faith", even if you went to the interview without trousers on and tried it on with the receptionist. Faith, to me, is a failing hope that something good may come out of a bad situation.

I'm not saying optimism isn't a great attribute for a person, but what do people need faith in religion for? Why does there have to be something more to existence? What is so wrong with our lives and our planet that we need to believe in something better just around the corner? The Earth, in spite of the all the bad things we could name (and blame God for creating/allowing to happen), is still a place filled with wonder and excitement. Every answer, law, and discovery that science makes, another handful of questions are unearthed. There is still so much we don't know or understand about our planet and universe, and that seems more fascinating to me than "Oh, God did it. But don't touch it. He wouldn't like that".

This is my Earth, my body, my mind, and it's fine. I don't need to know that there's something more mysterious waiting around the corner for when I'm dead; my fascination lies right here in this space that I occupy. Life is filled with laughter, happiness, joy, and other positive clichés if you just accept them and look a little closer. I can cope with the average 79 or 80 years that have been assigned to me pending the avoidance of moving buses, and I'm sure other people could to if they could only see the wonder in the minute details of every day living. It's amazing enough that I was born, let alone have the conscience, social structure, language skills, technology, and the know how to create this post and send it out so that a limitless number of people can read it. It's also a miracle if you've read this dribble to the end, and even more miraculous if you've agreed or enjoyed it.

Please do not misunderstand this post as I don't mean to impose my own (lack of) beliefs on anyone else, but merely to comment upon it. I am also sorry for being a little more self indulgent and a little less funny than usual. Tune in next time when it's back to business as usual when I compare animals genitals with each other. Ciao for now.

Thursday, 24 September 2009

Animal Magic

I've been watching a documentary series lately about how much Stephen Fry sweats. It's fascinating just how much water the man can produce, and running a squeegee over his forehead could probably resolve third world drought. Anyway, the programme is called Last Chance To See, and happens to feature some animals in the background too.

As a person who likes to see exotic and delicious animals on TV, I have been captivated by some of the rare creatures and facts that have been presented on this show. I lap this kind of stuff up like a snake laps up honey (oh yes, didn't know that did you?), so I thought I'd take a few moments of my time to present a few lesser known facts about animals.

  • The sea contains the largest creatures known to man, including the blue whale (108 ft), colossal squid (46 ft), and a salami dropped by Brian Blessed (126ft).
  • The myth that elephants never forget has been proved wrong by scientists when, under observation, the elephants failed to celebrate Christmas Day.
  • Pandas are difficult to breed in captivity because people keeping watching them all the time. It's difficult to perform when you have a thousand eyes staring at you.
  • Never take a dog to the cinema. They aren't entitled to discount.
  • The most dangerous animal in the world is so dangerous that no one has ever lived long enough to tell anyone else about it.
  • A giraffe cannot smell things that are behind it.
  • Koalas are pre evolved dogs.
  • Hermit crabs were named after a lady dropped her glove into a rock pool and the crab climbed into it.
  • The domestic cow is the only animal that will, if no other food is available, resort to eating Cheesestrings.
  • Certain birds in America have been spotted dropping hard shelled nuts onto tarmacked roads and pavements, splitting the nut open and revealing the tasty innards. Scientists postulate that the birds are staging a protest against the urbanisation of the greenbelt areas from which they originally resided.
  • A doormouse is not a mouse, it is a legume.
  • In 18th century France it was reported that frogs fell from the sky as rain. This has recently been proved to be false. It was pigs instead.
  • Owls can turn their heads so far around that they can see the future. The government is trying to harness the power of owls to predict future events.
  • In Wimbledon, the holy animal of worship is considered to be the Womble.
  • Budgies will turn into parrots if they level up enough.
  • When male polar bears meet females with cubs, there is a chance that the male will try and kill the cubs before he mates with her. This is either to ensure the dominance of his own genes, or if he finds the children to be particularly ugly.
  • A cow can walk upstairs but not down, whereas a goat can walk downstairs but not up. Fans of bestiality are trying to breed the two species together and produce a new line of Coats.
  • Lions are the only cats in the world that are big.
  • Ducks have the longest penis in the animal kingdom. These are usually over twice the length of the duck itself. This is due to the female ducks which have cavernous, maze-like vaginas which the male has to traverse. This adaption is to sort the men from the boys (actually, this one is kind of true).
  • Komodo dragons cannot breath fire. Even after a particularly spicy curry.
  • There is no such thing as dolphin friendly tuna. Tuna hate dolphins and will battle them to the death.
  • Primates are not the nearest living relatives to man. The closest relatives are usually brothers and/or sisters.
  • Shetland ponies do not have souls.
I hope you enjoyed these facts and that you have imprinted them on your mind for the next pub quiz you attend.

Wednesday, 16 September 2009

Abandon The NHS

As we discovered last time, the Internet is great place to ask questions about relationships and dating. However, how good is the Internet when it comes to health related queries? As it turns out, I'd rather turn to the wisdom of the World Wide Web than visit a doctor. Take these wonderful examples, again taken from the wonderful service, Yahoo Answers:

A colonic a day...

Why do people in west clean themselves with tissue in toilet?

I mean after excreting feaces from their body.
Doesn't that increases the risk of disease development?
They can use water.

Serious answers please.

Hahaha, those crazy westerners. Why don't they just poo in the sink while the water's running? Much cleaner and safer.

You don't want to know what happens when it reaches 88 degrees...

Soda killing my brain cells?

today as the thermometer boiled over in my car i reached for a radiated can of diet soda to keep hydrated. diet soda contains aspertame, a sweetener that degrades at 86.5 degrees, turning into methanol and formaldehyde. i only took one sip from the can (a tea spoon) and before i drank anymore i tossed the mountain dew to the parking lot and went to a bubbler for water.

right before i took that sip i ate two cold yogurts, and a few minutes after i drank alot of cool water. the can was definitely over 86 degrees. the human body has a core of 98.6 degrees, does this mean all food you swallow eventually reaches this temp? would the pre/post guzzling of yogurt and water bring the dew's temp down in my stomach? do you think this incident killed any brain cells (versus drinking a cold mountain dew)?
He strikes me as the kind of guy who goes to a party and spends half an hour stood in the corner working on his stance and worrying what kind of impression he's giving off to people. An overthinker who is likely to end up stuck at a busy zebra crossing because he's too skittish and can't decide if he has enough time to cross the road. Until the day he dies.

Sports Injury? Not Likely

How can i remove the pain in my wrist?

the other day i was at the gym doing barbell weights, dumbbells, and bench press for my arms. everything was good until i got home. i started feeling a sharp pain every time i shake my arm down (as if i was hammering something) the pain extends from my wrist to halfway through my forearm. also, every time i twist my wrist 360 degrees, it does a soft clack sound (as if i was cracking my finger), but it clacks every single time. my arm does not hurt as long as i don't move it up or down too fast. please tell me what's the problem and how can i fix my wrist and take away the pain. should i take advils, tylenol. please help

You sure you did this through sports? Either way, the Internet will build you a new wrist with hydraulics and cool stuff like that so that you can spank it all day.

Annie Are You OK?

Late taking dinette pill, am i ok? Please answer!!?

I normally take my pill at night around 10pm - 1am. I havn't missed a pill in over 2 months, however i forgot to take mine last night but took it this morning at 11am.

This was the 18th pill in the pack. I'm asking this as my partner is returning home tonight after a long trip. Would I be ok to have sex without extra protection?
Convert to Catholicism, then you're covered.

It's All In The Mind

How to do meditation tat can help in studies?

I'd recommend taking primary English classes again to help with your studies.

Needles In My Mouth Are Painful?

I want too get my tounge peirced does it hurt ?? honest answerss pleaseeeee.?

Honestly? It doesn't hurt at all! Pushing a foreign piece of metal through one of the most sensitive exposed areas of your body with literally millions of nerve receptors in it isn't going to even make you flinch. The agonising pop as it makes its exit through the other side will be nought but a fleeting sensation akin to a bunny rabbit licking your face, exploding in a shower of bubbles, and giving you good luck for the next seven days.

On the negative side, if you get a cold, the phlegm gets trapped underneath it. Enjoy!

Skinny Cow

Why didnt I lose weight?!?

The first week of my diet i ate 600 calories a day and exercised for about an hour a day. I lost seven pounds. This week i ate a little less than 600 cal & i exercised for two hours every day; i lost 1 pound!!! Why?????

Judging by your picture, you're already a slender waif as it is. When you don't have any excess fat to burn off, you don't lose much weight. There will also be some muscle conversion, especially when you're doing two hours exercise a day. Besides, you did lose weight, so that's good for you. Losing seven pounds a week would be very bad for you unless you weigh the same as Meatloaf after a big meal delivering sacks of potatoes in a truck.

Hang on, this response almost sounded serious. I mean I DON'T THINK YOU'RE TRYING HARD ENOUGH!

Motion In The Ocean

Why is my period watery?

I'm a virgin, but my period is very watery. It never was like this before. and also my cramps hurt more than usual.

( i did let my borfriend finger me though.)

Maybe your boyfriend is to blame here. Maybe he is the ingenious supervillain Hydroman, with the power to shoot jets of water from his fingertips up the pensive private parts of nubile young girls. This is all part of his insidious scheme to turn all under 16's into a waddling army of portable water bombs. Or perhaps you're just having a wee.

Death Is Certain

I'm on antibiotics for my skin can i smoke with them?

Bascically the doctor asked me if i smoke and i said no cos it was infront of my mum, does that mean i cant smoke with them...? What will happen if i do.

Wild stab in the dark here, but perhaps he was trying to determine the cause of your complaint? Either way, do people on cigarette packets have nice skin? It might not affect your medication, but you might not shake it.

Best Questionnaire I've Ever Done

Masturbating questions?

ok so i have some questions about masturbating.
im a 12 yr old male, and I havent hit puberty yet but i was wandering
1. Is masturbating good or bad?
2. What age do you have to be before you start masturbating?
3. Will i feel bad after doing it if i do it?
4. Do you have to hit puberty before u can masturbate?
5. *this is embarrasing, but i really want to know* what does it feel like when c** comes out?


1. Good, Bad, and often, Ugly.
2. If I was on the film age certification board, I'd have to refrain from giving masturbation a PG rating. A 12A might be more suitable.
3. Only if you do it into the dog's food bowl.
4. How many babies do you see having a wank?
5. Like a thousand feathers gliding gently across your bare skin whilst you sit in a space-faring jacuzzi and watch the soothing swirl of the galaxy gently fade out behind you as you reach Valhalla and get to see all of your childhood pets one last time. Like popping an entire sheet of bubblewrap at sunset with Air on the stereo and elephants spraying chilled champagne over you as the crickets chirp to the rhythm in a cacophony of peace and tranquility....Ask your father.

And here, we complete another marvellous foray into the spectacle that is Yahoo Answers. Most of these questions could have been answered with the phrase "See your GP", but we all know that is not as entertaining. Anyway, take care, and if you ever injure yourself or succumb to disease, remember this post and take comfort in the fact that there are caring souls out there that are just a click away. Tally bye.

Monday, 14 September 2009

The Single Life

It has come to my attention that there are people out there who don't have dates. It has also come to my attention that some of those people will turn to the Internet for advice on how to get dates. Whilst this sounds like a marvellous idea for those who are less informed to gain the experience and wisdom of those who are in the know, the plan falls short when you remember that the Internet, as a collective, has the intellect of a spilled yoghurt.

Fortunately, Yahoo Answers allows people to ask about their relationship woes, then let complete, bona fide idiots give them advice. Here are a few gems:

Creepy Foot Guy

Women, How would you react to this compliment ?

How would you react to this compliment ?
I were on a woman's way in the street and i dared to say to her :

Me - excuse me, allow me to say a compliment to you ?
Her - yes
Me - you have very pretty feet...

In fact, i'm very curious with that compliment...

how would you react, what would you think ?


PS : sory if my english isn't so good miss, english isn't my born langage
"Yeah buddy, well watch these nice feet walk in the opposite direction, you whackjob!". Actually, the best response to this is one person who said "I would ask if you wanted some jam on toast, and spread all my toejams on some buttered toast :)". The sad thing is, that probably really turned him on.


When should I tell my boyfriend about about my girlfriend?

he has a little bit of a jealousy issue..which i can understand, kinda. i stopped sleeping with other guys all the time so much. now i only have a this one really sexy muppet on the side, and this uber sultry MILF. and occasionally my slutty neighbor...but there is my serious girlfriend - and she is married, so its not like she's any threat.

how do i break it to him?

My suggestion? Lay on the bed with your legs open and ask him to throw a beach ball at you. If it disappears into the cavernous void between your legs, then he should realise everything there is to know about you.

Is there even a question in here?

How can i stop myself?

i hate him for what he did, but i have a soft spot for him as well.

i haven't talked to him for a month and before we didn't talk for 3 months.

im trying to motivate myself not to talk for 3 months again. i need to break the record. that's whats motivating me at the moment. and the fact that he doesn't bother to call, text etc..

my 3 months record was broken because he saw me walking somewhere and text me to ask how i was.. maybe he forgot about me and he knew that i saw him so he didn't want to act odd and not say hi.

do you think he doesn't care or has he got the message that i don't want to talk to him?
help me!!!
sometimes i hate him so much, but sometimes i do like him.. io hate myself for having a soft spot for him.


If someone could translate this from Monglish to English, I'd appreciate it.

The bets are on...

When is he going to ask me out....?!?! 10 POINTS?

Me and a guy really like eachother and Ive known him for a couple months now. We text eachother but we dont get to see eachother right now because he doesnt live by me. But, we do really like eachother and we act like we are going out most of the time. But when will he officially ask me out? How could I make him want to? (He likes sexy things btw)

10 points are at stake here?! Holy crap! Derren Brown would be all over this like pocks on a prostitute. Ermmmm, erm, I predict that he will ask you out the moment you buy a house right next door to his and start doing all your chores naked with the curtains open. Judging by your desperation, I'd give that half an hour tops.

Kidnapper alert

How can I make it so that I can make out with my girlfriend more?

We both drive but for some reason it's been hard to find alone time lately. It's been bothering both of us and obviously that isn't the hallmark of our relationship. But do people sometimes find a spot to drive after a date. Where can a couple make out and how do we find more time alone?
-we've been dating 5 months

First off, remove the duct tape from her mouth...

Come get a piece of this

Girls, am i a good looker?

Girls, am i a good looker?
So yea...am i good looking to women?
1) on a scale of 1-10
2)would you date me (just based on looks)
3) am i cute or ugly or what?

I just need some honest opinons is all lol



Despite looking like a human Dolmio puppet, you know you're passable in the looks department. So why upload it to the Internet? Oh yeah, because you fancied a bit of an ego boost, that's why. It's like those girls who upload bikini shots and then can't handle it if someone says they don't find them attractive. Thanks for the picture though; I needed something to strap on my dartboard.

Good question

How do you get a girls when you're kinda quiet and ugly?

First of all, look for one girl at a time rather than a collective...

Tossing the caber

Guy: Would you get your cock pulled out?

I`ve heard of an operation that some guys have to get their cocks pulled out to make the shalf longer? why do they want to have this done ?

does it even increase the length of the shalf longer at all?

My ex said he recently had it done and if a guy has had it done would it make his penis 10'' long when errect?

My dear, if you have your cock pulled out, I doubt you'll be getting many erections at all. You could, however, fill it with plaster of paris and use it as a book end. This is an Art Attack.


How to break up properly?

ok guys, my friend told me awhile ago that he's gonna break up with his gf already, long story short, they havent seen each other, they just chatted online on yahoo messenger, texts, phone calls, but he hasnt even seen her on cam or what. just her pics..

and the girl keeps saying that she'll come to his country but shes a no show she told him that shes gonna come on feb 23 but she didnt show up, next she said shes gonna come for a school interview on sept 5 but shes also a no show, now shes telling him that shes gonna come on sept 21

..long story short..too many lies has been going on already..and his parents doesnt like the girl so..he's asking me on how to break up properly..and he has no choice but to break up on the phone (i know thats a pretty lame thing to do but still) im not really good with these situations..got any tips guys? theyre on long distance relationship btw..thats also one problem..theyve been together for 9 months btw..

I think when this person's "friend" thinks about how to end this relationship properly, he needs to figure out if he even started this relationship properly. Call me old fashioned, but I like to have met a girl before I'd consider entering a nine month relationship with someone who's effectively a complete stranger. She's probably missed those visits because she's had a real date to go to anyway.

What is love?

What is important while loving?

Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.

As you can see, Yahoo Answers users dare to ask the weird and wonderful. Join me next time when I delve into the Health section, and trust me, Internet people are some of the most unhealthy people ever to exist, wheezing through life like Oliver Reed inside a punctured set of bagpipes. Anyway, catch you next time.

Friday, 11 September 2009

I'm 23 and I -

- Still haven't graduated to drinking tea and coffee yet. I prefer cold drinks and pop.

- Would, if given the opportunity, overfill my bowl at the Pizza Hut ice cream factory. I'd fill it to the point where it drips over the sides and I leave a creamy trail as I walked back to the table like some kind of confectionery slug.

- Still think Ren And Stimpy and Earthworm Jim are great shows.

- Think it would be hilarious to name my children after the blandest celebrities or public figures possible. I want a boy called Jon Major and a girl named Edwina Currie.

- Feel disappointed that I never finished my Tazo collection.

- Enjoy Compare The Meerkat far too much for someone as cynical as myself.

- Couldn't care less if someone told me I'd never be able to have alcohol again.

- Have not learned to not laugh at my own jokes. At least I can be sure of one laugh.

- Have always said that my favourite food is mashed potato. I suspect this is because it the most wholesome food that you don't have to chew.

- Believe in life after love.

There we go. I've shared my innermost here! Share some of your own kidulthood dreams or ways in which you have still to become an adult.

Wednesday, 9 September 2009

Declare This An Emergency

I doubt it will have escaped your attention that today is 09/09/09, a particular date which only comes around once every 100 years. "But hey! Doesn't every date only come around once every 100 years?" I hear you cry. Shut your ugly, stupid fat head and allow me to tell you why this date is so special.

09/09/09 marks the 100th anniversary of the British emergency services. Suddenly it all makes sense; why else would they choose 999 for the phone number rather than say 4873450991?

Oh yes, this conspiracy runs deep my friends. But luckily, this particular conspiracy benefits human kind because it gave us the life saving services that you all take for granted, including the police, ambulance, fire service, AA, and the service that allows you to choose the most vapid bint as the winner for Big Brother. I don't need to list the reasons why these services are essential to our society, but I will anyway. All of these services are here to protect, serve, and design sexy outfits for potential strippers.

In celebration of our fine servicemen and women who selflessly get paid to save our lives, and are covered by compensation should they have an accident in the line of duty, Muppets For Justice would like to extend a warm congratulations to these brave careerfolk. I'd like you all to ring 999 right now, just to say thanks to the wonderful people who are responsible for catching you if you happen to steal something, or who diagnose you with swine flu when you actually have pneumonia. Go on. I'm not going anywhere until you do.

And where would we be without the operator? That lovely lady always changes her voice whenever I ring up. I think she's trying to play hard to get. Also, when I use my best chat up lines and tell her that my loins are burning for her, she send the fire brigade round to my house. It's this kind of playful hostility that keeps a guy interested.

So, the next time you're ungratefully bleeding to death, not even paying any attention to the poor souls who are going to have to clean it up, please spare a thought for the emergency services. They will stitch you up in time for tea, so you can live the most reckless life possible without ever having to concern yourself with the inconveniences of an untimely death. If it weren't for those brave ambulance dwellers, do you really think we'd have seen the likes of Evil Knevil? He wouldn't have been so brave if he didn't have doctors on standby, that's for sure!

So to sum up, the emergency services are almost as brilliant as milk.

This post was commissioned by Jo Maraschino, so blame her if it sucks.