Friday, 18 December 2009

People Who Are Bafflingly Popular

Shakespeare once said " Celebrity is never more admired than by the negligent", which is a statement that rings as true today as it ever has done. As we've covered on more than one occasion here at Muppets For Justice, celebrity culture is a soulless and often disgusting media circus in which a new set of barely recognisable cardboard cutouts are rolled out every two years to populate our TV shows and magazine covers. But that doesn't mean we can't have a bit of fun at their expense, right?

As time goes on it becomes harder to tell if some people are in the public eye because people around them are deluded enough to think there is something to them, or if they promote them out of some kitch irony. Anyway, let's take a sneaky peek at some of the more vapid wombshits that have graced the turgid rim of our entertainment industry. Why these people are revered and celebrated I have no idea.

10. Fearne Cotton

Fearne Cotton has managed to get into more places than Hugh Hefner's cock. How she finds the time to present everything on ITV2, have a daily radio show on Radio 1, do every telethon that comes her way, jet off to spend weekends with a different hollow camerawhore every week, and still find time to tattoo another "unique" fairy, or a rose, or a fairy covered in roses on her leg is a complete mystery. Technically, Fearne Cotton is busiest person on Earth; even more so than our respective leaders who carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. What is even more of mystery is why people seem to think she's worthy of all this.

Being a Spack Of All Trades, Master Of Nothing, you'd have thought that her career would have been over long before she graduated from showing children how to do potato prints on daytime TV, but she's the gift horse that keeps on blathering. Watching her interview someone is like trying to hold a conversation with a teenage girl after buying her a new iPhone and inviting the entire cast of Twilight to stand around in the background. She couldn't even focus on a High Definition picture of a pair of contact lenses. Her interview technique basically consists of repeating what the interviewee has already said, and asking stock questions such as "How do you feel about that?". If she interviewed a holocaust survivor, she'd probably still ask that same blindingly obvious question, leaving you as having gleaned absolutely nothing from what could have been an enlightening experience.

9. Danny Dyer

It's not that Danny Dyer is an awful man; he just strikes me as a bit of a smug cunt. Whether you feel that he deserves his success or not, he doesn't exactly hide it modestly as he swans around like Guy Ritchie's kid brother. The man looks like Daniel Beddingfield engaged in illicit liasons with a Dolmio Puppet. Apparently, this felt-lined baboon of modern excess is something of a pin up amongst some women, even though he looks like the spoilt, chubby child of a sweetshop owner after falling into a teleporter with a member of the cast of Hollyoaks. Also, everything I've ever heard him say has been insipid, misogynistic, or downright idiotic.

8. Kate Moss

Drugs are usually a common leveller when it comes to mass media hype. In the bleary eyes of the standard tabloid-gobbler, drugs are mostly a fast track to hatesville, but Kate Moss managed to ride that slippery, greased-up bucking bronco all the way to the bank. No sooner had the story emerged that she had been snorting cocaine (which, up until the story broke, I assumed was as normal as having a bowl of cornflakes for the likes of Kate Moss. It came as quite a surprise to me that everyone else found her drug abuse to be surprising), she had already checked into rehab, had fully recovered, received several more products to endorse, and been visited by God himself who furiously masturbated himself into an angry climax at her bewildering recovery.

Why you'd want someone such as Kate Moss to advertise your goods is beyond me. Genetically, Kate Moss has more in common with a clothes horse than you or I.

7. Philip Schofield

We've had a pop at Schofield before, but he really is the most evil man that has ever existed. He is a cauldron containing all the evils of the world, bubbling away whilst the devil himself perches himself over the rim and curls off a cheeky poo, allowing Lee Harvey Oswald and Harold Shipman to stir the rigid stool into the mixture whilst cackling to the tune of Ride Of The Valkyries. The fact that he has chosen the fuzzy, inoffensive This Morning as his fortress of deception is the most heinous of his crimes. There's something so hideously unbearable about his cheery optimism, his satsuma themed flesh, and hair that is so prematurely grey that it looks like papier mache stuck onto a broom handle. As a host for the show, he is required to feign interest in real life stories, but deep down you know he's plotting to brutally slay The Clangers and feed them to The Wombles, or something equally as diabolical.

6. Coleen Rooney

Coleen is famous for doing a bit of shopping and being so detestable that even her ork-trapped-in a-car-crusher of a husband cheated on her with a prostitute. From these essential points on her CV, she's extrapolated an entire career which includes a show called "Coleen's Real Women" where Coleen teaches young women how to deal with fame. The show basically consists of a bunch of nobodies stood around listening to Coleen reciting less than stellar anecdotes about being blinded by cameras and being nervous when walking down a red carpet. Then they try on some shoes and call it a rap. Television gold!

5. David Gest

The man is either so dull that he is essentially a black hole, sucking up and regurgitating any celebrity stories he can find like a vacuum cleaner nozzle poked down a drainpipe, or he is the most brilliant walking piece of satirical celebrity culture ever to have been created. I'm ultimately undecided, but I'm leaning towards the former considering I've never heard him say anything of interest.

4. John Barrowman

Despite making the ovaries of many middle aged women clang together whenever he waltzes onto screen, John Barrowman is a hideous example of modern celebrity. He sums up everything I despise about the world of "variety" and looks like David Cameron after absorbing the entirety of Tom Cruise through his anus. Even though he'd have been a reject on The Generation Game, Barrowman has managed to force himself into mainstream television presenting.

The strangest element of the Barrowman Boogeyman is the way in which he sprang to stardom in the first place. I used to meander around not knowing who John Barrowman was, and life was much simpler back then. Then I woke up one day and there he was grinning at me from a television screen whilst the whites of his teeth burned small holes through the wall behind me. The worst part was that everyone else seemed to have heard of him, as if I had somehow gone to bed, slipped into a coma for several years, and woke up in the future where everyone had watched Barrowman grow up from being a cheeky child scamp in a west end musical to the multinational broadcasting force that we see before us today. It's like when you go on holiday for a fortnight and all the news you've missed whilst you've been away, no matter how inconsequential, always seems drastically life changing, and home never seems quite the same again. That's the nausea that Barrowman creates. He's the human equivalent of jet lag.

3. Jack Tweed

Jack is from the same fame school as Coleen Rooney, only he's much worse. The man literally has no personality. I've dug lint out of my pockets with more charm and charisma, and probably had a deeper, longer, more meaningful relationship with that lint than Jack Tweed has ever managed in his life. He may have married the celebrity pork scratching known as Jade Goody, but I doubt that Jack was even present in the relationship, and the marriage was probably consummated by a cardboard box with his face glued to it.

Jack has staggeringly achieved everything possible to make himself as detestable as any human can be without resorting to mass murder or paedophilia. He assaults cab drivers whilst his dying wife is at home, he has been remanded on charges of rape, he's constantly on a tag, has allegations of drug abuse, and he is also incapable of saying or doing anything when a camera is pointed at him. He freezes to the spot as though he's some sort of terrible spirit that can only move when no one is watching, only I doubt there's an evil agenda at work in his head. In fact, I doubt that anything is at work in his head. He's just a synaptic shell roaming the lands as an unprogrammed android who's mission it is to distract attention away from anything remotely interesting.

2. Piers Morgan

Do I really have to spell out how awful a man who fakes prisoner abuse photographs is? If so, just watch an episode of Britain's Got Talent and witness how a man can be both sycophantic and condescending in equal measure. The whole show is an elaborate ploy to try and gain favour with a public who was largely unaware of him during his heyday of shittery. This was back in the days when he used a national newspaper to besmirch the names of anyone wittier, more talented, or generally more likeable than he was. His hate campaigns were legendary, but nothing could save him once he decided to engineer a bunch of doctored photographs that allegedly showed Iraqis being abused by soldiers. All so he could sell a few newspapers. I can't think of anyone worse than that. Oh wait, here's one...

1. Cheryl Cole

I suppose the best thing you can say about Cheryl is that by contracting Malaria, she managed to stop someone else from contracting it, if you believe in karma. If you don't believe in karma however, she has no redeeming qualities.

Saturday, 5 December 2009

Top Of The Noughties 3: Ways To Make The Nation Angry

The Noughties have seen extreme changes in the way the public airs it's views. In a culture where power belongs to the people when it comes to the most asinine aspects of life, it's understandable that people would get frustrated with topics and occurrences that they cannot conveniently "vote off" or press a red button when they disagree with it or don't like it, as though life is just one big reality show. People demand their voices to be heard over the most insignificant things from Jedward to win the X Factor, bringing troops home, all the way to writing a Blog. People have become very vocal when they are angry, and become very angry much quicker. Here are the main things that have had the British public foaming like a boxer dog chewing its way through a box of Daz.

10. Blow Up/Crash Into A Landmark

Surprisingly low down on our list, blowing up landmarks isn't the height of evil that it once was. We were all shocked by September the 11th and the atrocities that happened there, yet many have already forgotten our very own tube bombings, or the countless car bombs exploded in London during the IRA years. Although it was hot news for about a week, it quickly blew over faster than one of the carriages involved.

9. Take The Mickey Out Of Paedophiles

You'd have thought that this was a way to make the nation like you, but apparently it's disgraceful to have a joke when the subject of paedophilia is near, and that's why the media went snooker loopy after Chris Morris made a satirical news programme about it. Well, his show was more of a piss take out of the way the media makes a mountain out of the subject, so there's no wonder the papers branded him as "sick". He also made Dr Fox look like an idiot! How dare he!?

8. Go Into Politics

Is there a politician out there that isn't widely hated? Reading out the names of a political party conference guest list is like reading out the names of the world's most prolific murderers to some folks. Everyone always thinks that they could do a better job, but I don't. I'm quite content to just slag off the people who are in charge and not offer my own breakdown of how to sort out the economy and everything else.

7. Give Some Money To A Banker

Banker's bonuses? Every time a newspaper gets a whiff of a banker getting some money, a whole new can of worms is opened. I just hope that their families don't give them any money for Christmas or, god forbid, a gift voucher!

6. Be Politically Correct

Why can't I call this woman a man when she's doing her job? Why can't I say "blackboard" at school? Why can't I stare at boobs at work? It's political correctness gone mad, I tells ya!

In actual fact, you can still decorate your house in St George's flags and walk around singing "Baa Baa Black Sheep". You've been misinformed. Now think about it before you waltz off down to the tattoo parlour and get an obnoxious portrait of a bulldog fighting a dragon whilst drinking lager as a show of your patriotism. What are you really trying to prove, other than you have no taste whatsoever? You're fighting against nothing.

5. Join The Army And Get Killed Doing Your Job

Hoo boy, we're really touching some political sore spots on this list, aren't we? Alright, it's terrible that someone has been shot, but 200+ deaths in 8 years of warfare in Afghanistan is a really insignificant figure. I'd bet more British people have been killed by their toasters than have died serving their country in Afghanistan. I don't mean to sound insensitive and I genuinely feel sorry for the families who have lost someone, but those soldiers have voluntarily chosen a career where they are going to get shot at. Does a lion tamer complain when he gets his head bitten off whilst putting it in a lion's mouth? Well, he probably would if he still had a head, but my point is still valid.

On another note, the media seems completely unable to make up it's mind about the conflict in the Middle East. One minute they're harping on about it being a pointless war and that we shouldn't be there, the next they are complaining that our forces don't have enough helicopters. What do you want? A complete troop withdrawal, but for us to send over a bunch of helicopters and give the keys to the insurgents?

4. Declare A Pandemic

Swine flu. Bird flu. Foot and mouth. Mad cow disease. All of these can and will infect your children if you breathe near the meat counter in a supermarket. Enjoy your domestic farm animal related illness.

3. Fiddle Your Expenses

"Taxpayer's money" is a phrase created by reactionaries who just love the sound of their own voice, but for once, they kind of had a point. MPs were claiming expenses on the most stupid things like moats and islands for ducks, and only when they got caught did they show any remorse. As a result, the public were actually successful in getting people fired.

2. Call An Indian Woman "Papadum"

Racism? On telly? It was funny during the 70's, but now I'm steaming mad because of a throwaway comment by an idiot!

This wasn't the first or last time that Jade Goody would be the centre of attention during the Noughties, but it was her least spectacular moment. Her romance with celebrity culture was always flirting with danger since she was such an oblivious, dumb, overgrown baby, so it was never going to end well. But who'd have thought that the same people who put her on pedestal through her endearing stupidity would crucify her for the exact same thing.

1. Insult A Grandpa

Or more to the point, tell a grandpa that his granddaughter is a bit loose. Radio presenters have made this mistake in the past and have lost their jobs or been suspended. It's disgusting I tells ya!

Thursday, 3 December 2009

Top Of The Noughties 2: Shit Covers

The Noughties have been a strange decade when it comes to music. Overall, we've been pretty unsure as to what the defining genre of our generation should be. The 60's had their Pop music, 70's had Disco, the 90's had Grunge and Britpop respectively. However, ten-yearly cycles of music seem to be out of fashion as we seem to have a new craze every two to three years right now. Regardless, a confused generation is always going to look backwards at what has been, thus the one musical constant we've had has been the cover version. Mostly shit cover versions at that. Here are the worst offenders.

10. The Kooks - All That She Wants

Jo Whiley's adopted children, The Kooks, were Radio 1 darlings for a short while with their summery tunes and straw hats despite sounding like The Thrills rip offs without any production whatsoever. They recorded a version of the early 90's Ace Of Base song All That She Wants by successfully ripping the soul out of the record like Sub Zero removing an opponent's spinal column. Luke Pritchard's dislikeable drawl added nothing to this awful rendition, and my guess is that he was trying to capitalise off of the nostalgia such a song would usually create. It turned out to be just another excuse as to why you should ignore The Kooks.

9. Snow Patrol - Crazy In Love

Another cover that originated in the Radio 1 Live Lounge. This song had a tough wrestle with Arctic Monkey's version of Love Machine (a bad cover of a bad cover) for this spot on the list, but Snow Patrol's effort wins out because they had the woeful idea of incorporating this into their live shows. Gary Lightbody (Buzz's cousin) breathlessly grunts "oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh ohh" as if trying to imitate Beyonce's jiggling hips through the medium of vocal warbling. It's a cover version that literally adds nothing to what was already an annoying song, complete with someone trying imitate Jay Z's rap but without the charisma.

8. Kanye West - Gold Digger

Now, this isn't necessarily a cover version, but it is infuriating enough to earn a spot on this countdown. Kanye West might be the most egotistical man in show business (as evidenced by the way he gets up on stage at every awards show to steal the limelight from the actual winners), but his worst aspects are the samples he uses from other more successful songs. This one is a sample taken from a Ray Charles record (I Got A Woman), but with Jamie Foxx on hand, they successfully change the lyrics and invert the meaning! Rather than the line "She gives me money", Kanye changes it to "She takes my money"! This is deep, cerebral stuff right here folks.

7. The Vines - Miss Jackson

Duller than reading Cliff Richard's autobiography on an overcast day. The Vines made their name through their enigmatic style, but none of that is in evidence here. We are instead forced to listen to monotone vocals and dreary strumming with less energy than an M.E. sufferer with some heavy shopping. Also, no cool raps. Poor show!

6. Westlife - Mandy

Alright, as far as Westlife go this is standard for the course, but the song was so overexposed that if it were a photograph it'd just be a 4 x 6 lens flare with red eyes peering out of the solar flare. I hate this song at the best of times, so when five blonde Louis Walsh fantasies all start belting it out, it's a recipe for shit pudding in my books.

5. Mark Ronson and Lily Allen - Oh My God

Hahaha, it's just like the Kaiser Chiefs with trumpets! Lily Allen is dreary at the best of times with her soothingly boring vocal stylings, but this is absolute bollocks. You can effectively recreate this recording at home by having a good old yawn.

4. Robbie Williams - Video Killed The Radio Star

A more apt name for this would be Crack Cocaine Killed The Pop Singer's Voice. Robbie debuted this addition to his repertoire at a lackluster Electric Proms performance and managed to make it sound worse than all of his other material, which was a miraculous feat in itself. Mr Williams sounded like he's had an aversion to Strepsils, which is probably the only drug he hasn't been addicted to. Frankly, I'd rather he was still running around telling folks about his alien abduction than straining out this dross. Oh, and stop showing off that Take That tattoo now that they are popular without you, you attention seeking chimp.

3. Joss Stone - Fell In Love With A Boy

Joss takes a fantastic White Stripes powerhouse and turns it into an infuriating mess of "soulful" singing. Joss hums along with the track as if she's trying to eat her dinner at the same time and manages to create a watered down soul record. I also blame Joss Stone for the rise of Duffy, so this horrendous song shoots straight to number 3 in our chart.

2. Kanye West - Stronger

Kanye West has done it again, only this time it's Daft Punk he's tinkering with. The song itself is almost redeemed by the inclusion of Harder Better Faster Stronger, but the bafflingly bizarre mixture of that song and Kanye's incessant rapping about nothing in particular make this an absolute stinker. It would be hypocritical to pull Kanye up on sampling Daft Punk as they themselves craft tunes entirely out of other samples, but they do it with such finesse and subtlety that it makes Kanye's effort appear as though it was cobbled together in Audacity by a deaf kid.

1. Leona Lewis - Run

This overproduced piece of plastic poop is possibly the worst song in existence. Just thinking about this song has killed several hundred thousand brain cells.

Tuesday, 1 December 2009

Top Of The Noughties 1: Annoying Noughtisms

Cast your mind back 10 years, if you will. The year was 1999. People were preparing to party like it was the year in question, the Millennium Dome looked like a fantastic idea, and Gail Porter's arse spread it's way across our famous landmarks. On the whole, the public were feeling rather optimistic about the new millennium and what the far out, futuristic Noughties had to offers us. Many people seemed to have the impression that we'd all be zipping around like in The Jetsons by the stroke of midnight, and as such were left sorely disappointed.

So what has the Noughties decade achieved? Well, the world has changed rather a lot since those days. In some ways better, in some ways worse. As the first tenth of the new century, and the first hundredth of the new millennium draws to a close (oh yes, I can do maths!), we at Muppets For Justice would like to take you on a nostalgic trek through the peaks and troughs of the decade in a new feature we like to call Top Of The Noughties. Top Of The Noughties will feature the best and worst of the last ten years in celebration that as a race, we've not killed ourselves yet in a ridiculous manner. In the first of these articles (this one right here in case you were looking for it), we'll explore a term I've coined called Noughtisms. Noughtisms are words which have been popularised or come into existence since the year 2000, so let's take a cursory glance at the most craptacular of these so called, new fangled Noughtisms.

10. PMSL

You might be foriven that PMSL is a term which describes an irregularity with the female reproductive system, but it's actually an acronym for "Pissing My Self Laughing".

Seriously? Are you really urinating in your trousers due to some words on a screen? I'm pleased to have forced you to void your bladder over my sentences, it's a high compliment and more prestigious an award than recieving the Nobel Prize. On another note, you don't have to be the Poet Laureate to notice that "My Self" should be "Myself", making the acronym PML. "Haha" is much easier to type so I'd stick with that if I were you.

9. Booty/Batty

The Americans had Booty, whilst we in the UK had Batty. Both terms are used to describe buttocks, the sheer prevailance of the words meant hours of tedium as failing pseudorappers used it as every other word in their material (the other phrases being either "Slap dat" or "Lookit" when referring to Booty).

8. Butterface/BOBFOC

"Mate, she's a butterface! Everything looks great But Her Face!"
"Yeah mate, she's a BOBFOC! Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch!"

Alright, this type of discourse has an iota of wit associated with it, but that's like saying Katie Price is a best selling author. It wouldn't be so bad if these awfully sexist slogans of shittery weren't repeated by blokes as if they were the ones who originally thought them up. They have been around for years, but Cool Britannia picked them up and put them on rickety pub bar stools rather than pedestals, then poured a yard of ale over them whilst singing Build Me Up Buttercup before taking a relaxing piss in an alleyway directly onto a homeless person.

7. War On Terror

Not much new with any of these words individually, but put them together and you suddenly have one of the most idiotic notions to have come to fruition since someone tried to eliminate walking with an expensive motorised scooter. War by it's very nature is terrifying, to trying to fight terror with even more terror is only compounding the problem. It's like trying to stop a leak by hosing it down with cold water.

6. Content

Content is been around ever since there have been vessels to contain content, but the Noughties elevated content to an impressive buzz word to describe...well, anything! Everything is propped up by content from games consoles, mobile phones, websites, gadgets etc. and it is mostly used to describe new material that probably should have been included from the beginning, but that you have to pay for. With video games you have to make "Micropayments" to purchase "content" and even "episodic content", meaning that most games you get are only half the package and your extras come to you over the Internet at a cost. In the case of iPhones, the content is the apps. Social Networking is another buzz word and is supported by the pillars of content, only this time it's used as a selling feature for advertisers and requires it's users to create all of the content. Sites such as Facebook and MySpace are full of user generated content, usually pertaining to what people you know have had for tea. Important stuff!

5. Social Networking

Social Networking is such an annoying term to describe a website where friends talk about crap that no one else would care about. "LOL MA BABY JUST DONE A HUGE BURP LOOOOL!". Social Networking at it's finest my friends. The most annoying thing about it is that there's no less fancy way of referring to these websites, so you are forced to call them Social Networking sites anyway.

4. Shawty

The least complimentary way to refer to your girlfriend I can possibly conjure up. Seriously, Shawty? I think Bitchslut Dishcleaner would be a more enlightened way to refer to a woman who you care about. Where does this term even come from? How was it created? It just makes your wife/girlfriend sound like midget.

3. Boo

In the same vein as Shawty, Boo can apply to both genders and my guess is that it is supposed to be a cutesy pet name or something. However, the kind of pet names like Snugglebunch or Honeycakes that those sickly sweet couples would like to use are much too long, so instead we have opted for a phrase only uttered by cartoon ghosts. Complimentary indeed!

2. WAG

A term to describe the Wives And Girlfriends of footballers. Even though the connection between these women and the wagging of dog's tails is one that I could fully get behind, the term is almost an idealistic, glamorous status to achieve for many of today's young women, even more so than becoming a Dame. The fact that the partners of footballers are considered newsworthy enough for someone to create a term for them is awful enough, but when WAGs are rapidly becoming the ladies of society these days, it's enough to make you want to travel back to the 90's. If we all put on our Parkas, let our eyebrows join up, fill our pockets with POGs and rewatch episodes of The Fresh Prince and The X Files until a wormhole is created with the overwhelming 90's-ness, we might actually achieve it.

1. Credit Crunch

Oh the Credit Crunch is here? Good job we have a few bob put aside for a rainy day huh? OH SHIT NO! IT'S NOT A CREDIT CRUNCH IS A FUCKING RECESSION AND IT'S GOING TO EAT ALL OF OUR JOBS AND RAPE OUR BANKS!

The term Credit Crunch was a nice way of basically saying that we were all going to lose our jobs. This sugar coated truth was all well and good until the reality of it really bit down and suddenly, hey, a future of slight thrift doesn't look so good anymore. I'd have preferred the Credit Crunch if it'd have stayed that way and not invited it's big brother Recession along for the ride.

Friday, 27 November 2009

The Shalom Saga: Part 2

A big "Shalom" goes out to all of you lovely readers. No doubt you're pants-wettingly excited for the next instalment of this truly monumental moment of Internet history. Well, I shall delay no further. We jump right back into the action after I've sent Anny Wany a message to try and apologise to her for not sending her a message over the weekend.

Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari

yess..!! !! i really love you..., i dont know how....? because i can falling in love again..( with u ) ..!! before.....i.m not guess!!!, sorry my my brad ..

i,m glad to hear that you are want to call me and return i want try to call you too at this time ( 07:33PM - 0854PM) why.....!!!whatever you'r reason, it's the best for u.
you can call me a 08:00AM-19:00PM(GMT).

My brad....! i say " you always in my heart, in my mind, in my soul , and what about you to me....!!.can you teach me in English , honey...?, i can't English very well.!! sorry.. . what s the meaning's " SHABBA" ..? can you tell me.please..?!!

zzzz.....zzzzz. , oh i.m very tired..., very2.tired , cause my best friend from college ( ceacillia) call me from Bali. surprise ..., but it,s too long , so my ear insensitive..., tirsty, hungry....zzzzzz....zz....zzzz...., however i want to send message for you, before going to bed....dream of you .zzz......zzzzz.. . .., good night honey....!!

love u...

u'r Annya Wany
Ok, now we're cooking with gas. I should give relationship advice or something like that! Anyway, Anny wants to learn how to speak the Queen's English. I shall become her tutor.

Bradton Paige

Shakira, Anny!

Anny, I am so happy to hear that you are in love with me. Your love is making my condition feel better every day. This morning I was able to move my big toe! At this rate, a kiss from you could have me running up and down the walls like crazy! I feel like I could love you for the forseeable future too!

I would be grateful if you would try and ring me as my telecoms provider (who I mentioned earlier. The ones who gave me Internet trouble) don't like it when I ring anyone except my grandma. The cost of the call isn't an issue to me though, I have more than enough money thanks to the disability benefits I receive and I'm considered to be quite wealthy. I didn't want to mention this earlier as I thought you'd only want me for my money, but I can now see that this is not the case as you are a caring, considerate woman who wishes to fornicate with an invalid such as myself.

Your English is almost perfect Anny. When you first messaged me, I thought it was a message from the Queen herself! However, if you learn want grammar good yes, I show wonderfully show you to the forming words in harmony. Here are a few words that you might need if you visit England:

Mug: Refers to a drinking container, a method of robbery, or a man who you don't like.

Slag: A term used to describe women who are provocative and will perform lewd acts in exchange for coins of the realm.

Muppet: A Fraggle that has levelled up too much.

Carpet: Something you walk on.

Jedward: A mythical beast with two heads. Each head is assigned to licking one of Louis Walsh's balls.

Parsnip: A vegetable that is often used during foreplay.

Oxygen: You'll need plenty of this in England! I don't think you've invented oxygen in Indonesia yet, but you'll get the hang of it pretty soon if you come here.

Hermaphrodite: A type of crab found off the coast of Cornwall.

Balsamic Vinegar: A type of vinegar that contains balsamic properties.

Credit Crunch: A type of breakfast cereal. Tastes great with stock broker's tears.

Short Shorts: What you will be required to wear. It's like an English uniform for women.

Are there any phrases or words you would like to learn? I'll teach you everything you need to know.

I'm pleased that you are dreaming of me Anny. I don't know if I dare admit this, but I had a naughty dream involving you, a horse, an electrode, and a vat of liquidised Cheesestrings. If you want the details, we broke into a Cheesestrings factory on horseback, shocked the guards with the electrode, and escaped with enough Cheesestrings to turn our skin pale yellow. I hope your dreams are as pleasant as mine.

Shish Kebab

Your Bradberry.

Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari

hahahaha.....u 'are very naughty....hem.emmmmm.a kiss from me.....memm..uah.....! you can feel............?????, close you'r eyes give me you'r hand darling, do you feel my hearth beating, do you understand, do feel the same .........???????, !!you make me like teenager you know., but i like it.. you know i din't interseting grammar ,it.s too difficult to learn, just like america...( slank... to be easy....wkakkwakkkkkkk...). . but if you teach me.....and as reward from me i can you kiss...and kiss... for every day....!!!!!!!, easy brad...!!!, so i get something that i needed....( good pronuncciation with you)., look my interseting to make a messages u......., i think have a progress ..wit my english..., so thx my brad....!!

by the way, you still have dad n'mom...?, are you living there..or grandma..! i can imagine that you are very attached,!!.huhhh. now you 'are 40th., you my own!!!! hahaha.!!!......i want to embrace you...and than you kiss my lips with's sound very sexy.., but .nice....!!! .

some words of you makes me so illfeel, don't talk your about our case., i love whatever you can you love me as i love you ..??!! what are the hot locals girls your money than your!????, oh my god...its very terrible...for me.If someone have a true love... , should be to accept his/her couple in all condition whatever , however and than never.....!! absoulute.!! NO MOTIV .PROFIT!.OK.

MY BRADBERRY......, do you have a breakfast now....?,so wake up..i,m prepare hot chocolate.... for ours, mmmmmm, any cheeseburger made of me...too!!! nice...
In Indonesia i ussually going to AH-american hamburger.!it can found there with some rupiahs. ( 1U$ = RP 9.300, so you can pay RP 15.00 for 1 cups drinks and hamburger). Bradberry....., slow but sure i want to teach you with Indonesian language.., easy to learn, easy to understand....( now i.m you private teacher and you too). JESUS LOVE YOU!!!!

Wellcome to Indonesia,.wellcome to my life

Your Anny Wany
No Motive, no profit? That's not how we do business in this crazy cyberland which we inhabit together! Let's see if we can up the stakes a little bit...

Bradton Paige

Shaparone to you Anny.

It's great that you are familiar with The Bangles as they are one of my favourite bands. I went to see them live in the old country, oh the songs! What other music are you familiar with? I hope that you Indonesians have discovered the magic that is NDubz, otherwise you may England to be a strange and frightening place. I'll send an album out to the address that you provided so you can have a good old bop along to it.

Since we're talking about family, you might be saddened to learn that my father died rather recently. He was blowing up balloons and one snapped back into his face, pushing his eye into his brain. He was a good man who used to visit the children's hospital and give all of the poorly kids a nice massage, so it's sad that he's gone. My mother is still alive though, but she's probably staggering around in Amsterdam drunk off of her tits. She always turns up in the weirdest places. How are you parents? I would like to meets them. Does your house have wheelchair access?

It's reassuring to know that want me for my body and brains rather than my wallet, but know this Anny. When we get married next Thursday, you will want for nothing except sexual fulfilment. I will take us away on a honeymoon to an exotic country, such as Indonesia. You'd love it there; miles of sandy beaches which I won't be able to go myself because my chair will sink in the sand.

You have progressed with your English Anny Wanny, so much so that you are starting to create your own words through the process of coinage. Slank is a great word and I shall be using it to describe my friends and family in due course. Here's some more words:

Beans: A musical fruit.

Orange: A colour, and a non-musical fruit.

Crackers: White people who just don' know how to act.

Jupiter: A big gassy planet with the Eye Of Sauron on it.

Umbrella: Something which you can stand under.

Marmalade: Bait used to catch the mysterious bear which lurks around Paddington Station.

That's all for now. I hope you enjoy your breakfast of chocolate cheeseburgers. Please send photographs of them on you.

Yours throbbingly


Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari

Bradton my computer in trouble all you 'r message it,s gone !!!., i don.t know how. at least i have allready read and copy in a paper. for all you'r messeges , ....please forgive me.!!. maybe my inbox it's too full...and overload...!!

My dad and mom wads died 8 years ago,my dad an accident, my mom destroyed by cancer...!! we are the big family :( all 7): 2 my little brother as a marines, 1 my big brother as an art teacher , 1 my old teacher as an art teacher too. they are have a family..( couple).

don't be sad.. ?about your dad and mom., .JESUS love both you'r parent. u'r dad IN HEAVEN. here are grandma who love you and ,me too.

Are you sure we are getting married....?, what about you' r grandma on me..?, what are knowing me, are you telling her..?. and what about your mom..too.?.
Thinks do it.! we have age a gap. . i don,t want you regreat later..!

But i,m proud just as i.m!!, no body can hurt me anymore.....!!Okey Brad...i want send some photographs later , after accept your letter that i reached it...

Be my Bradberry...forever...!!

Anny Wany.

Bradton Paige

Shark, Anny!

Your messages have been deleted? How did that happen? Perhaps the nefarious Mr Zuckerberg is prying into our messages and wants to put a stop to our blossoming love. However, he did not bank on the power of our love transcending Facebook and the Internet altogether! I am with you Anny, can you feel me blowing over you like a cold draft from a cracked window? Like a drop of melted snow plopping onto you through a leaky roof? You really should do this place up.

I am sorry to hear about your parents, but you and I both know that they are in a better place now, rubbing shoulders with my dad, Elvis, Pol Pot, David Carridine, Bob Geldof, and all those other guys. Jesus has saved their souls for his collection, and has probably pressed them into his stickerbook of salvation. My dad's soul is probably a rare shiny.

As for marriage, I was only joking about next Thursday (trademark British humour har de har) but it is my intention to marry you at some point during our illustrious love affair. After Christmas would be best because I would be unsure what to get you as a gift until we knew each other a little better. I've told my grandma about you and she said that you sound lovely, but that I should be careful when meeting strange ladies online. She says I shouldn't settle for a woman who doesn't have a cooch snugger than a pair of slippers, whatever that means. I think she means that I have to be comfortable with you, and Anny, I feel like I've known you forever.

Looking forward to seeing your photographs and your burger buns.

Yours erectly

At this point, Anny Wanny starts to bring back some of that trademark bonkers stalky stuff. I fail to respond to one of her messages overnight due to sleep, and I'm greeted with these messages the next day:
Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari

Brad....., if i hear the songs of " Chicago, Bangles, Phill Colins (Genesis) , i want to go to far away from Indonesia, i need others situation, others place to found " Best places for me " , i want flying high........, i feel i don't have anything to make' s me happy........, so i just and only depent to MY LORD JESUS. ... i have no parent.. to be share.........., all my sister/brother have activity..for him/herself...!! but i have nephew , his name Angga Prasetyo find at my friend list ( red t-shirt) , he's work as instructure fitness in a GYM. Maybe you can add on you,r fb- .

He, s knowing my sadness, my problem..., my obsetion, , sometimes he can be my friend , sometime i can be " nice aunty" for him.. .His mom..( my old sister, she's beautifull, her face like my late dad) .

Brad.....are you still pray...??, JESUS is MY PRIORITY in my life.!!, and a...administrator. Full igve thanks to JESUS. He's my SAVIOR,.!!. since i found you ,....i feel better too. i found my happines..!!, i can share with u. without pressure. thx my Brad..

I want to know, what are you thinking about me..!!, as a moody woman. Fisiclly i,m cute..many people say...i,m mungil.= teenager..! i 'd better by jeans and t-shirt, sometime sack- dress to going church. .. Relax.......! , 5 years ago i have a good job in Contactor company as a Purchasing . single fighter..., taft....! Now is collaps. ( Hyundai group). it,s over too..

i,am workalholic...., love in dicipline..and others.!! what about you...?may i question ..?" what wrong with you'r sexual", have problem.., maybe..! sorry..... Do not worry , it,s okey..!

How about you'r mom.., in Amsterdam- Dutch!. I hope everything it,s allright with her
You should be pray for her happiness.. That i believe she 's very love u.Brad. there are still love you, concern with you, " Grandma' how old your grandma n'mom..?. Brad..time to school...please, or home schooling .?, i want to bath.....!!
Love you always....

Anny Wany

Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari

Morning..Brad, ....

I want to inform you, that today i have long trip to part of one the city in Indonesia, so you can,t find me anymore in mf FB. ( this is my duty as a marketing from my office).

I want to say "good by" let me bring my dream with you, i f i can't deny my feeling with you , i call you later you'r handphone......, please take cares of your's..Brad...!!!!.Jesus blessing you now and forever.( i ,m very needed your provided .( address in Dagenham) , once upon a time, i can..send you something as a souvenir from me. keep it!!, thx Brad....

So long....


Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari

Sorry me, i can't hide my tears.!!

Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari

Hi....Brad, are you over there..!!are you angry...whit me..?, are you going to bed.zzzzz...zzz?. Say' something to me please, before i, d go, ! . I,m in this my office now.please . allright. excusme.

Alright, this has gone on long enough. Time to put this one in the vault. Let's invent an excuse to get out of this relationship. How about a jealous grandmother?

Bradton Paige

Slalom Anny Wany

Please forgive my lack of messages. You'll have to excuse me as I was asleep. Sleep is probably a bizarre concept to someone such as yourself who is used to toiling constantly through the night, but over here we have the luxury of rest.

Anyway, I'm afraid I have some terrible news Anny. My Grandma is against our proposed marriage. She said that if I were to marry you, she'd shave my legs and leave me chained to a lamppost outside of a working men's club, without pants on.

I am so sad that she refuses to acknowledge our love. I love her so much, but I love you too. I would do anything for love, but I won't get buggered by a hairy drunk. I simply refuse. How can I make her see that you are good for me?

Yours yoursingly

Your Bradflakes


Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari

I can't hide from you,....., as you now tonight i, m cry...., your messages make me deep in sadness. but i want to fully restpect to your grandma, i can love her too.!!
(can't you give me Dagenham area code, i want to call you/sms by handphone).

My cars almost an accident, Brad, i can't contoll my emotion., very-very sadness.

Tomorrow i want to send messages in Indonesian...., you can look for the transletor . .
I can't talk too much this night....

Night Brad..( kiss me please, i miss you very much).

Anny Wany.
You almost crashed your car because an old lady thousands of miles away has reservations about you using her grandchild as a method to get into their country? Enough of this!

Bradton Paige

Shakaka Anny

I'm sure you can love my grandma. Would you love her softly and gently or would you love her hard? I'm sure my grandma would like it either way.

Anny, are you on the whacky baccy? I already gave you my phone number and area code for Dagenham. Have you lost it? I am looking forward to making vocal exchanges with your face.

Please do not crash your car because of my grandma. My grandma wouldn't want you to die, she just wouldn't want you within 50 miles of me. She said that actually.

Anny, I cannot kiss you as I currently using the Internet to communicate with you. Perhaps when my grandma is dead and you come to Dagenham, we can have a wet, slobbery smooch under the gleaming arches of McDonalds. Until then, you'll have to pretend.

Yours takingthepissoutofyou-ingly

Bradley Wiggins.

Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari

Night.! Hi......, can i say goodby for you.., Brad.!! I hope you can be grandchild , tobe your grandma...!. Jesus Love You.

Anna Maria

Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari

it,s mean good grandchild, to your grandma..!! Jesus love you'r.....always..

Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari

" Pray" and Bible. ( my phothograph in profile).

Morning... Night for U..., Brad Wiggins..., Hi...guys......i. have disspointed with you, so why......?, yeah., you talk to me that " i,m is vocals face."! , .., i have a PRINCIPLES , as i,m.! I have high Dicipline's on me. ...i have....etc.... , don't never talk like this to me please , i know you are..have ..! , everything you want's get, in your life . !!. guys.... Don't have in your mind that i want robber your rich....!!. okey..?. Please thx. Or...are you have a hot locals girls now...?, more better than i, more beautifull than i.

However, i,m really sorry...that i..decided to ..finish our love.....?.really sorry..., i. never won't hurt you. but you have hurt me ealier.! So can we.....revice our love..?
I want to make it happens , that i really love your grandma, make a breakfast for her, make it happy for her, as i can do for you.

Brad are you my messages now....?..please say...something to me..!, sent my apology to grandma....!

Off course.., you hate me now.., you angry now....!, please send to me your messages. Do it for me...!!!we can restar a new beginning to us. Maybe..! would you...!

I hope everything it,s okey with you and grandma., have a nice holiday. My Brad......( even you hate me, i stilll love u, and you'r in my hearth always). Jesus always love you.
me too.

Anny Wany.
You're not very good at taking hints Anny. Perhaps something more direct will help you out.

Bradton Paige

Anny, I'm afraid something terrible has happened.

As a wheelchair user, I often smoke marijuana to cope with the pain. I keep loads of it in the attic, but my Grandma in all of her jealous rage has informed the police and now I am being investigated. I am going to prison, Anny, for a long time. Years possibly.

Anny, I am so sorry that things have come to this. I will terminate our communications as the police want to know where I've been getting it from. If they find out that I've been talking to someone in Indonesia, they'll suspect you too. I suggest that you delete all of your messages from me to make sure that the police cannot trace this back to you. I'd hate it if that happened.

Be safe my Anny Wany. Please do not get caught up in this web of red tape that I am currently ensnared in. Know that me and my noodle-knees will always be thinking of you when I am engaged in red hot homosexual sex with the burliest man in the prison shower room.
I have since received four further messages expressing a mixture of confusion and disbelief (or so I believe). Rather than post them all and make this post longer than a really long thing being stretched, I'll post the best one here as closure. I hope you have enjoyed the Shalom saga and I hope that Jesus will forgive me for leading his strongest disciple astray. Tally bye!

Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari

You lier to me......! can you tell me what really happens with you honey...?
I think you lier , you bulshit about you 'r in a PRISON. How can.

I,m not sure that you ensnareed to smoke marijuana.
That,it lier...!! please so tell me....why....????????????????????????

What do you wants from me..?, i believe that you more needed me. .I can besides you..

Can i visit to Dagenham.., i want to see you..., i want to resign from my office now..! all everything feel so empty...! Can you accept me in Dagenham, i want to stay close with you and grandma.OK. said to me

Monday, 23 November 2009

The Shalom Saga: Part 1 (possibly)

Hello, hola, guten morgen, bonjour, and ay up me duck. Today, I am pleased to introduce you to Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari (or Anny for short). Anny is a crazy chick from Indonesia who is cruising for a Western boyfriend, possibly so that she can escape her impoverished country and live the high life on a council estate somewhere near Dagenham. I received a message from her and decided to roll with it. Here is the original message:

Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari

NIce to meet u on....can i joint with u'r fb, so can you add my fb..please.....! i want to relationship with u. iam indonesian............!!!Jesus Love U....guys......!!

A relationship you say? But you don't even know me! Time for a new fake account to shine. I assume the role of Bradton, a character who I hoped would put her off coming to England for good. Bradton is wheelchair bound, which I assumed would put her off straight away but it only made her more enthusiastic. Here's my response:

Bradton Paige

Hi Anna, lovely to meet you. Are you really interested in a relationship with me? You look rather lovely, how old are you? I'm from the UK, so I imagine that a relationship with you in Indonesia might be difficult to attain, but I willing to give it a try as you are beautiful.

However, before we embark on our wonderful relationship together, I have something that I must tell you. I am leg mental. Neither of my legs work thanks to a motorcycle accident when I was 6 years old (I tried to jump over three other children on a Harley Davidson). Does this fact jeopardise our relationship, or are you prepared to love me for who I really am (a cripple)?

Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari

Shalom.............., morning .....Bradton....!!!do not worry about u...!! Jesus always love u....guys....!!!..., if near the distance UK-----Indonesia..., i can close with.u.., whatever u'r condition...i don't care...... i can feel your....sadness......, but i can support with u..., by pray...from here...( indonesia).........., as Jesus always love ...anybody.. " he love unconditional.." and knowing u...more.....! i,am..37 th...., how old are, every nigh i want to pray for u, we ask to JESUS.., " ONLY HIM can do MIRACLE " JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!.., would u be my friend....?so would u add my FB...please...?, we can chatt...more .......!!, make u priority in u'r life that JESUS EVERYTHING.....! HE can help u.......! can i seee u'r SMILE............?????.. Yes...u'are my BEST FRIEND NOW....., in my Hearth now.., in my!! always...

It seems that Anna knows very little about British men except that they are from a Christian nation, so they must love Jesus by default. I've always wanted to be in someone's "hearth", but I always banged my head on the mantle piece.

Bradton Paige

Anny (can I call you Anny? You can be my Anny Wanny), I am pleased to hear that you still want to be with me despite my poorly bottom half. Many English women won't look at me twice and sometimes spit at me when I ask them if they want to dance. I am over the moon that you are strong minded enough to see past my spaghetti legs.

In answer to your question, I am 20, so there is a slight age gap between us, but I believe that love can blossom in the most obscure places, even on the battlefield. What I mean is, if our love is strong and true, we will not need to worry that you will die a good 17 years before me and that you will reach the menopause long before they find a way to cure my erectile dysfunction. These facts will be eroded away by the juices of our love.

Anny, please forgive me as I am about to suggest something that might make you a little nervous. I would like to meet you in person, face to crotch. I'm not sure how we will achieve this as we live so far apart, but I'm sure Jesus will show us how. England is a lovely country to visit, especially the part in which I reside (Dagenham). I would love for you to see the glimmer of the first frost on a crisp winter's morning, marvelling in wonder as it shimmers on a bin bag that the council has failed to collect, as they are on strike. You would love it here Anny. People are very friendly to foreigners and love to let them stay in council houses for free, and sometimes even pay them so that they don't have to find work. Please let me know what you think of this, my body is aching to hear from you.

If that doesn't put her off, nothing will!

Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari

Shalom,.......night ...bradton...... ( thx , u call me . with special sweat.....!!!???, hem nice..........) . ......can u imagine...and can u see my exspression...." i'm shock",because u look older than u'r picture.( soorry i'm tooo honest)..but no problem 4 me.u can be me as u'r sister now..., really.....exactly... ! u stay in dagenham..- England .?, can u sent me u'r address ..??? i want to send my letter and my picture , would u...?. .i have blessing family.... for more details..i want to write on letter..4 sent me u'r address soon. , let me.. know how u'r parent ( both parent dad n mom).and i think don't never talk that u have spagehetty legs! , u not self confidence...! ???, my brother.....i love u....what ever u are...!!, remember !! i alway pray 4 u...., u can share with me any time by FB or u can sent a letter. ( my address in Indonesia : ((EDITED OUT)) ) , not far from Jakarta .. ........, Bradton...i'd better if u have self confidence........, everthing its gonna be allright.!!as long as u depent to JESUS...! oh...hi the way...u like movie..?., i like movie , cooking...!!, hemm..really....! what are special u'r habit../ hubby..?....ok...Brandy.....and i call u with little brother Brandy...... Have a nice dream..good sleep...... JESUS LOVE U......JESUS BLESSING U' fam......

Ok, doesn't look like she's going to be put off. Might as well have some fun with this:

Bradton Paige

I'm glad to hear that you are a good cook and that you like to watch movies. Have you seen Ratatouille? It's a film about a rat who can cook, so it combines both of your main interests. I would love to try some authentic Indonesian cuisine, and in return, I shall cook for you my world famous Bradton's Egg Vindaloo. It tastes great on sandwiches, but tends to dissolve the bread.

I will send a letter to the address that you provided, and in return you will have my address to send stuff back to. However, I am disappointed that you see me as a little brother. In England, relationships with your siblings are frowned upon, so I'm gutted that you do not want to date me. I would wine you and dine. I'd take you to the greatest restaurant in England, Little Chef. I'd introduce you to my Little Chef. We'd go for walks (well, maybe you would) at sunrise past the local working men's club when the drunkards are just starting to vacate the premises.

Anny, a miracle has just happened! Whilst writing this message, my previously defunct joy department has sprung to life! I haven't been this stiff since I fell out of my chair into the snow and was stuck for three hours! I think that perhaps it is the magic of you and our lord Jesus Christmas working together! Your correspondance is making me feel better, so please keep messaging me!


Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari

Shalom........, good morning... Brandy..,can you apologize me. please...? i'm regreat 'cause make you disspointed. , have u already make the letter for me ...?, oh ya.., i want to repaired my provided : ((ADDRESS EDITED OUT)) (more complete and clearly than before). i want to read you 'r letter soon. are u'like music.., beside movie...????, i suggest 4 u if you want to hear my sing together with me .. come on......" You'r the inspirations" Peter cetera - Chicago. When something bothers me......i will the sing..soon. beside i love songs of Don a worship . One day i want to give u a NEW BIBLE...., as a something special you can save....between us. !!..would u.....?.how are u today....have a breakfast now..?., today i'm cooking like Bradton egg vindaloo.ha....ha..ha.....( fried egg)..he..mmm..yumy..........! Brandy..can you learn me English ..( language).... sometimes u'r english very difficult to understand.., if America (no grammer ). easy better to understand... !!..ok my Brandy..i wait your' letter..SOON......!!!!!!!!!!Kindest regard to you'r Mom and Dad........!!see u..... Have a nice weekand...

Unfortunately, I had a busy weekend so I couldn't respond to Anny Wanny, which seemed to make her go rather crazy and get really angry with me. I received these two messages over the course of the weekend, which degenerated into crazy stalker territory:

Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari

Hi......time to church.....!!! wake up....wake up....hurry up....Jesus wait u......., me too..

mm.....mmmmmmm...........???????!!@#$ck...ckkkkkzzzzzzzzz.......z......z....zzzz.....( my handphone ((EDITED OUT)) ). and u...?????????

Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari

hi....Brad........!! ( i change u'r name).., i hate u..cause,,u make me so sad! why....?, yes u are very stricht....!!!, u are very...feel inferior...! i.m loosing u for a view days.., u know....!!, who which feel inferior should me ... but now i dont' care about you. i will treat u as 40. ( balance...)....yeah..we will not to worry again. we can walk a blessing couple ! ..we can...belove together..! i never regard as u as gutted..please !!, after i know what u means in a mesage...i want cry..., how very as u suffering, lonely..., useless......!! once again i dont, care about u..!!! whatever u are...., i can .be u'r "any wany."..did u not miss me.....??, u didin't need more time to know " i falling in love with u"!!!!!!, i will not call u by " little brother" ...! remember ...u promise to me that u want cook and take me to dine and wine....!.! i give u acces to find me by letter, by phone ((EDITED OUT)) or fb. Wellcome to my hearth..!!, can u give me u'r number ..? ( handphone)...?? , once again.....Jesus love u , me too

Oh dear, my Indonesian bride to be is angry! Let's see if we can get this back on track:

Bradton Paige

Shabba...Anny (I'm learning Indonesian, I hope I got it right).

Your message is very confusing. Is it because I haven't been in touch over the weekend? I am terribly sorry for this as my Internet Servicing Company have been angry at me because I refused to pay them for the excess bandwidth I used whilst trying to decrypt your messages. I think that Talk Talk are just a bunch of racists who don't like Indonesia. I hope I can resolve this matter soon and talk to you through the power of the Internet more often.

My handphone is 0114 5509750 ((FAKE)). If you intend to ring me, please do so between the hours of 7:33 PM - 8: 54 PM (GMT PMSL ASL) as I will certainly be in during these times and I won't be on the phone to hot local girls in my area. What are the best times to call you? I would love to hear your shrill, unintelligible dialect.

Anny, I have sent a letter via pen and pigeon to the address that you provided earlier. I hope it reaches you soon because you sound very saddened by the lack of paper based contact with me. Please do not think that I am going off of you. I am currently trying to clear out the spare room in case you wish to visit me and would like someone to stay with. You will have your own drawer to put your shit in too! No sleeping in the stair cupboard for you! Hahahahaha!

Please say that I am still in your hearth, for you are in mine always, burning on the coals of our eternal love until nothing but your skeleton is left.


Your Brad.

Marvellous! Well, that's all for now, but if she responds I'll post a new update. Hope you enjoyed it as much as Anny enjoys Mr Jesus.

Wednesday, 18 November 2009

What Is The Circumference Of Your Pussy?

Need help on measuring how slack your gash is? Look no further, as I have studied all of those Facebook applications in order to create the perfect Facebook quiz. Answer these questions as honestly as you can, then pass it on to ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS, PETS, RELATIVES, NEIGHBOURS, AND CLEANERS. NO CHEATING!

1. A man asks you out on date. What do you wear?

2. You are in relationship, but want to sleep with someone else. You...?

3. What is your favourite sexual position?

4. A friend in need is a friend indeed, a friend with -what- is better?

5. Who would be your ideal partner?

6. When was the last time you had sex?

7. Do you pleasure yourself?

8. How many boyfriends have you had?

9. A man offers to pay you for sex. You...

10. When did you last have an STI check?

Your result:

Mostly A's: Mouse's ear

What are you, a nun? You need to get laid pronto, because no one likes to press sausagemeat through a keyhole. Diagnosis? A large injection of pork, pronto!

Mostly B's: Snug Fit

Girl, your cooch doesn't have much room to scooch, but don't worry because you could generate enough friction to power a small town in Dorset. Eco friendly fucking; doing your bit for the environment.

Mostly C's: Loose Moose Aboot This Hoose

Like Wine Gums, you're pretty tasty, but I'm guessing I'm not gonna be the first to feel the motion of your ocean. Never mind, at least we can laugh at the fanny farts created by your flappy labia.

Mostly D's: Supermassive Black Hole

Swallowing dying stars as it collapses in on itself and crushing both matter and time with it's overbearing destruction, your fanny could end civilisation as we know it. Someday, Donnie Darko might use your minge to travel back in time.

Monday, 16 November 2009

War In The Middle East: The Public's Verdict

The most unpopular war in recent history ended earlier this year with an almost complete withdrawal of our troops, however, the world is still seeing the after effects of our bumbling Iraq campaign. The public were angry at the time, but even now we still hear about prisoner abuse or see the echoes of that war in the likes of Afghanistan. Since it's current affairs and all, we took to the streets to ask the public about their feelings when it comes to shelling the shit out of the Middle East.

Gemma Driveway - Toffee Packer

I dislike war, but I think it is necessary when it comes to our safety and security. I have two children and I can't help but be frightened when my little treasures go out to play that a plane will land on them or that some sick bastard is going to touch them up before he blows them up in some sort of crazed, paedophillic suicide bomb attack. These are the daily dangers we face, even in rural Derbyshire where we are. First it was the Tube in London, but you never know when the daily number 86 to Bakewell is going to explode and leave you with a three mile walk.

Alaister Pidgeon - Senior Associate Vice Corperate CEO Executive

War? Huh! What is it good for? Fuelling science and progress that's what! Bet you didn't know that did you? The fact is, a good war always gets creative minds focussed on solutions on how to kill as many of the other side as you can, and keep your own safe from harm. The atom bomb is the prime example, but other advances in medicine and technology are all down to war. Hell, even your home computer was invented to crack spy codes and send encrypted data around. Your microwave was intended to be put into a handheld firearm in order to melt some Commies from the inside out. I bet vacuum cleaners were intended to be inserted up a German's rear passage and suck out his organs, and you use it to clean your carpets! I dread to think how many people have had to die so that you can put silly apps on your iPhone, but it's all for the greater good I say.

Barry Shogun - Secret Lemonade Drinker

Our troops have done terrible things out there in Iraq. Two of our soldiers stand accused of raping a sixteen year old boy, and there are countless cases of prisoners being chained to radiators and forced to wear bags on their heads. This kind of thing is only acceptable in brothels! Get our troops out!

Stuart Pourer - Travelling Gypsy

I think the war in Afghanistan is absolutely pointless. I mean, what are we getting out of it? There's nothing there but mountains and mountains of sand. Why can't our troops do something useful like bring back some young Taiwanese children who know how to work, or nip off and fetch us some Turkish Delight? You can't have wars without rewards, otherwise you end up running round in caves shooting at beards.

Nicole Papa - Pub Landlady

I heard that there have been over 200 British troop deaths in Afghanistan since 2001. I don't know a lot about war, but surely that's like half of our armed forces! That's got to be more than were killed in World War 1 and 2 combined! We need more helicopters out there! If terrorists are aiming at helicopters rather than our troops, it means less people will get killed! I hope you're listening Brown!

Brian Herbie-White - Fire Engine

You Brits don't honour your armed forces, that's your problem. Over here we have Veteran's Day, Remembrance Day, Dead Soldiers Day, and Wrap A Corpse In A Flag Day. We know how to cherish our servicemen with large pensions for war veterans, except ones who fought in crap wars like Vietnam. Besides, your army does nothing but get in our way, you crazy limeys.

Alison Packard - Infant Tamer

I'm a busy woman who juggles a high powered career and two children, so obviously I know a lot about this. My son is currently on the front line slogging his guts out so that you don't get terrorised by terrifying terrorists. I just hope it's him who finally catches Osama Bin Laden, a man who looks like he is slowly emerging from a sheep's arsehole. I have absolutely zero time for that man and I have to turn the TV off whenever he appears, even if it's a special news report in the middle of Neighbours. And what was with that guy who had hooks for hands? Did he get them shot off? I wish my son had done that to him, but he has an important job servicing IT equipment on the bases. FRONT LINE IT support might I add!

Marissa Duracell - Sex Aid Tester

I once did a bit of freelance film work in Iran and let me tell you, it's a horrible country. There's virtually no network coverage and you can't get Freeview channels at all! Still, at least everyone in Tehran has been having a constant 6 month long party in the capital. I've never seen anyone party like those Iranians, all swarming around government structures shouting, singing, and throwing things in air like they just don't care. Many of them bring placards which I can't read, but I'd guess they say "Party on dudes", since they seem like such an affable bunch. I guess they need to party since the telly is rubbish and they don't have fast broadband speeds.

Thursday, 12 November 2009

Christmas Is Coming

It's that time of year again. Well actually, it's not Christmas yet; we're still a couple of months away from that. However, it is that time of year where we start to see Christmas adverts on TV and novelty, anthropomorphic children's characters arrive in your town to turn on the Christmas lights.

No doubt you're wondering what the must have toys for Christmas 2009 are going to be. Well, I can't speculate on that because I don't know, but I can make a list of the worst toys you could possibly buy for your children. I've searched the entire Internet (even that nobbly bit over there) and come up with what I think are the 15 worst toys ever made.

15. Harry Potter Vibrating Broomstick

This is a present that should be enjoyed by mothers rather than children. It makes the list because, well, would you want your child galloping around on a giant vibrator? Be careful of using this after someone else as you might catch Hogwarts.

14. Dora The Explorer Aquapet
No! Just no! Doesn't the company who made this have some sort of quality control? I mean, people are actually paid to design this!? Even if you can get over the ergonomics of this thing, it's still rather frightening to think that Dora is trapped in some kind of futuristic biopod that is probably feeding her the nutrients she requires to keep her alive inside of her eternal perspex prison of doom. I don't think she'll be doing any more exploring whilst encased in this phallic sarcophagus.

13. Darth Tater
Darth Tater would actually be a half decent novelty if it wasn't for the gaping vagina he seems to sport here. In actual fact, he's the least customisable Potato Head ever, and that completely kills the general concept of Mr Potato Head. They could have at least added some other parts to make other Star Wars characters, like brown velcro to make Wookie Tater.

12. Gliderman
Gliderman, Gliderman, does whatever...Spiderman equipped with a glider can. Now, this toy isn't terrible in that it's not poorly made (although the dayglo-chav trousers are unlikely to catch on as a fashion trend), and it's not inappropriate, but there's something odd about the convoluted concept behind this toy. Why would Spiderman need to own a gliding suit? It's not like his feet ever touch the ground as it is what with all the web slinging, wall climbing, and leaping over skyscrapers like a flea on hot coals. It'd be like trying to persuade Usain Bolt to use Wheelies.

11. Barack Obama Rubber Duck Toy
Hooray! Generic patriotic black man toys! Honestly, this monstrosity bears virtually no resemblance to any persons living or dead, let alone the president. I think most women's dreams of climbing into a bath with Barack Obama will have to wait. Personally, I'm holding out for the lifesize version.

10. Sunburnt Guy
Probably the most lifelike builder toy to date. I really hope that this one is fake.

9. Gobots
Gobots are basically the poverty stricken, wartorn leper cousins of the Transformers, as you can see by the guy on the left with half of an industrial tanker on each leg. They are generally considered to be simplistic and inferior to their more popular counterparts, but they were popular enough to spawn comics and cartoons too. I think people in the 80s had ridiculously low standards.

8. Jesus Piggy Bank
This is the type of present that informs you that your parents don't love you. It's a lame pun splattered on a lame depiction of Jesus. Also, Jesus presents are never going to win the love and devotion of your children even if you've raised them as fundamental as you possibly can. Besides, I wouldn't trust Jesus to look after my money as it would just slip straight out of his hands.

7. Dog Mind Reader
I wouldn't want to know what my dog was thinking if I strapped that collar round it's neck. I'd rather that my own death was a complete surprise. My guess is that the doggy mind reader works a little bit like those mood rings, only they don't tell you when your dog is feeling horny. Actually I take that back. Given the calibre of toys featured so far, it probably does tell you when your dog is horny.

6. Jesus Bot
Crusaderbot lands on Japanese shores to convert the sacrilegious fleshy ones! Yet another poorly conceived Christian toy makes our list, but this one has the added bonus of that famous Japanese madness which we've all grown to love. Generally, when advertising and marketing gurus design packaging, the last thing they'd do is stick on a picture of a frightened man screaming "NO!" when faced with the product. However, the best aspect of this photo is that Cyber Jesus appears to offering flowers, as if this toy can help you pick up girls. Do you know how many flowers were destroyed in the process of creating you, Jesus Bot? Your paltry offering will not make amends with mother earth.

5. Pee and Poo
I suppose this is a substitute for children who really enjoy playing with their own excrement, like nicotine patches for scat enthusiasts. The expression of sheer despair plastered all over Pee's face is the worst bit. The realisation that he is modelled after a glob of piss must be the most mortifying sensation in the world.

4. Epidermits Thing
One look at that thing and I'm sure you've already learned everything you've ever wanted to know about Dildoswine McPubeface here. In all honesty I've no idea what it is, but research suggests that it's a toy, so enjoy.

3. Furby
Oh fuck, not these again. NEXT!

2. Cocksled
I'm starting to see a recurring theme in a lot of these toys. All I've got to say is be careful when you go over bumps on this thing.

1. Peekaboo Pole
It's hard to tell if this is a toy aimed for children or not, but if the Daily Mail can get in a flap about it, then so can I. In actual fact, the packaging has a friendly cartoon lady on it, and the product also contains pretend money, so I'm guessing that it is aimed at the juvenile consumer. I hate to be prudish about such an item, but I find it completely inappropriate that this toy exists and doesn't contain a "no touching" sign to hang above your door. It's rule number 1 under my roof.

So there you have it. 15 terrible products that you'd only buy if you wanted your children to run away from home. Here's my advice to parents; stay safe, and stick to Sea Monkeys.