Friday, 22 June 2007

For Those Lonely Hearts...

Click for large.

I'm Building An Ark

The UK has had more than it's fair share of rain this last fortnight. There have been plenty of floodings in my area, and the rain shows no signs of stopping as storm clouds devour the entire sky. If the biblical flooding wasn't enough, a couple of nights ago, a bolt of lightning rang our doorbell! Seriously, we were sat around, then the doorbell started ringing even though no one was there, and we got electric jolts just from touching the buzzer! Either Thor wants to come round for tea, or this is God's revenge for something I've said or done, so I plan to gather two of every sandwich and buy an inflatable boat.

If I never blog again, assume I am upon the high seas of what used to be England, boarding enemy ships and ransacking their belongs/money/wenches. I guess life at sea won't be so bad, except there'll be no bars, but I guess I'll just have to get my sea legs. Or failing that, some peg legs! Something, something, and really bad eggs, yo ho me hearties yo ho!

Wednesday, 20 June 2007

Possibly The Best Video Games In The World

You may or may not know that I'm a man who enjoys his video games. I've put off doing a video game related blog for much too long, because I feared that I may alienate people due to my obscure gaming habits. Even the most hardcore gamers may be intimidated by my vast repertoire of indie games, unreleases, and exclusive titles that would make even the most avid collector uncontrollably shed tears of wonder. Nintendo have a warrant out for my arrest after I acquired several Beta versions of Mario Paint 2: Love Shack from their production lines, shortly before they were scrapped, and that's just the tip of the iceburg, my friends.

Now is the time to unleash some of my most prized games, and you shall soon see why I, above all gamers, hold the title for "Most Smug Git 2007". You mere mortals shall tremble upon my unconquerable mountain of never seen before titles:

Advanced Wedding Espionage

This was set to be one of the first Playstation2 games upon launch, which involved sneaking into celebrity weddings, taking photographs, then selling them to the fictional women's gossip magazine, Flaps. You could earn extra cash if you managed to get the perfect shot of the bride's labia. The game was pulled before release due to the inherent themes of privacy violation of the press, which one newspaper pundit quipped "Would be just bad press".

Curse of the Pokemon Kombat

You may think that pokemon originated on the Gameboy, and if so, I laugh at your stupidity. Pokemon were first invented during an initial design for Mortal Kombat 4, and then moved into this spin off version. Basically, each fighter has their own pet, which they can use to execute a deadly finishing move that is more grusome than a wrestling match between Joan Collins and an incontinent yak. In this game, Goro can unleash Pikachu to insert himself slowly into an opponent's rectum, and slowly electrocute them from the inside.

Jackie Chan's Forklift Orchestra

The first of what would be a series of Jackie Chan games. Originally designed for the Mega Drive, this game involved Jackie Chan conducting an orchestra of classical musicians with a series of high kicks and stunts in the first ever rhythm game. The violin players are stationed in forklift trucks, JCB diggers, and Killdozers, so if you do poorly, they will ram Jackie Chan repeatedly.

The Castle of Shaving Yoda

This was meant to be a Star Wars themed game to rival Mickey Mouse's Castle Of Illusion. The title is actually poorly translated and misleading as there is no shaving of Yoda to be done in this game, you have to shave Chewie instead.

Everybody Hates the Walrus Planet

An evil race of buck-toothed Walruses have colonised Mars and now have their sights set on Earth. Will you take up the call to arms? This is a PC strategy game which involves launching nuclear weapons at Mars as invading Walrus fleets attack your turrets. It's like a 3D Space Invaders with flipper-slapping sound effects. The game is only available on Mac, so none of you losers will ever play it.

Ancient Zombie Fandango

Like Resident Evil crossed with Dance Dance Revolution.

:Note: Video games in this article may be ficticious and am I not responsible for any misdeeds

Thanks to the Video Game Name Generator for supplying the idea for this article.

Funny Picture Of The Day:

Friday, 15 June 2007

Cha Cha Now Y'all

My favourite cha cha prank, with an incredible fallout. For those who don't follow this blog, is a search engine that allows to chat live with a guide who will do all your searching for you. A while ago, I was having some fun with the friendly guides and keeping logs of the conversations. This one turned out better than I had anticipated. Read on:

Topic: Pizza

Status: Looking for a guide ...

Status: Connected to guide: HollyS

HollyS: Welcome to ChaCha!

HollyS: Hi are you looking for recipes?

You: Hello Holly!

You: no, I was wondering if there was a place online where I could order pizzas

HollyS: Let me see. What city do you live in?

You: me and the guys are having a LOTR marathon and we need grub.

You: [Hometown]

HollyS: Is that in the US or UK?

You: What? Dale, I don't know if they have mushrooms

You: Sorry, I was typing as I talked to my friend Dale, I do that a lot

You: It's in the UK

HollyS: no problem.

HollyS: Okay.


You: Is there anything except Pizza Hut? They are a little expensive

HollyS: I'm looking now...


You: Hey Dale, is Dominos any good?

You: Dammit, done it again

HollyS: :)


HollyS: Do any of those work for you?

You: Dale says he doesn't like Dominoes as he had a bit of an accident with some when he was a child

You: I'm just having a look at the others, do you have any more?

You: We need lot's of pizza, there are four of us

HollyS: I can look and see if there's anything else.

You: Yes thank you Holly

HollyS: Anytime.

You: Shurrup Kyle! I'm not going to ask her out!

You: Ahem, sorry about that

HollyS: lol

You: Oh god, that was embarressing



You: Erm, Cornelius wants to know how long it would take to order the pizzas from these sites

HollyS: I really don't know. It probably depends on the site.


HollyS: Here's a list of the pizza restaurants in your area.

You: OK Cornie, she says it depends on the website it's ordered from!

You: He says thanks

HollyS: Of course.

HollyS: Well, I think that's the best I can do for you.

HollyS: Hopefully, you'll be able to find someplace to feed the crew.

You: Do we have to ring them up? I'd rather fill in a form over the Internet because I'm shy on the phone.

HollyS: Is there anything else I can help you find on this topic?

HollyS: Several of these will let you order online.

HollyS: I'm not sure about the list of others, I could look to see if any of them have websites, but it would take me a moment. Would you like me to do that?

You: Excellent thanks. Oh, Dale wants to know if the boxes the pizzas come in are square because he had a scary incident with a box as a child

You: He'd prefer round ones

HollyS: As I'm not an employee of any of the pizza places, I can't say. But hopefully they'll be able to tell you.

You: Shut up Dale, I don't know what she looks like!

You: Sorry, he keeps asking

HollyS: Oh, but have you seen me lately?

You: I haven't seen you at all, let alone lately

HollyS: lol. Okay.

HollyS: Well, that's probably a good thing.

You: Dale says he doesn't care

You: Goddammit Dale, she won't want to come and watch LOTR with us, she's working!

HollyS: Poor Dale doesn't seem to get it, does he?

HollyS: lol.

You: No, he's a little weird, I'm going to hit him with a spoon if he doesn't shut up

HollyS: lol okay, well I must go. I wish you much success in your pizza ordering.

You: Thanks Holly, thank you for your patience

HollyS: Have a good one!

HollyS: Anytime.

HollyS: Please RATE ME. Thanks for using ChaCha.

Status: Session ended

Joke Of The Day

What do you call a Chav in a box?

What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet?

What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it?

Thursday, 14 June 2007

The End of the World as we know it!

We all know the big Y2K scare, and if you don't - by reading this you are a very intelligent Child or someone who has just came out of a Coma.

It wasn't even a scare, it was a media-hype up of a date error.

Anyway, I'm here to warn you about some other Chronoligcal scares we'll face in the Near Future!

Year 2007 Problem

In this year of 2007, American products that automaticaly change their time to daylight saving will not be up to date on the latest rules. Therefore for a quite a few weeks of the year these machines will be wrong. This is terrible news for me, some of my E-mails for Viagra could be time-stamped wrong by the helpful seller!

Year 2038 Problem

In the Year 2038, due to the nature of Binary (a certain sequence will come to pass), the year will be displayed as "1901" and also it will cause decimal representastions of date to be negative numbers. Out of the frying pan and into the fire, eh? We thought we were safe for at least another 1000 years, but we were wrong! The Apocalypse is upon us now! Unless we buy up-to date computers by 2038 we're doomed!

Year 2070 Problem

We'll find ourselves in the Merciless grasp of the Year 2070 Problem, where when we enter dates like "40" into our databases, computers won't know if we mean "2040" or "1940"
In this readers opinion we need to change this problem now! Or alternatively welcome our new three year-old overlords - it'd make a nice change I think.

Year 10,000 Problem

With the Year 10,000 Problem, some computers today will not be able to handle 5 digit years, causing meltdowns and Ipods to disintegrate and the like.
On a more serious note, how will this affect long term computers like machines that are needed to handle Nuclear waste? Or Ipods forced to loop Britney Spear's hit singles over and over again?

Year 60,056 Problem

It's the end of the world yet as we know it, some computers are all designed to record the date up to May 28th, 60,056 - after this, we're back to January 1st 1601. This is a shame for everyone, espescialy Blizzard Entertainment who were wanting to run their World of Warcraft servers sometime until July of this year.

So everybody, man your tinfoil hats and flee to the underground! Our computers are ill equiped to handle dates!

Monday, 11 June 2007

Cha Cha Slide

If there's one thing that I am reknowned for, it's for lurking around the neighbourhood bushes and raiding peoples bins in the dead of night. However, if I were known for two things, the other would be that I have a fixation with Internet pranks. Basically, I like to have a little fun behind the curtain of animosity that the web provides, so when I found out about a little search engine named ChaCha, it was like offering me a free sack of mashed potatoes; I had to dive in head first and gorge myself on the goods.

Before we begin, here's a little background. is a search engine in a similar vein to Google, except that ChaCha offers you the opportunity to search with a guide if you need a little help searching. You are then connected to a live guide who will go to a lot of effort (fire up google, copy, paste, etc.) to help you find some useful results. The guides on ChaCha are often paid, and do this to earn some extra money on the side, so I thought I'd try and make some of their jobs a little more exciting:

Topic: Asparagus

Status: Looking for a guide ...

Status: Connected to guide: LillianV

LillianV: Welcome to ChaCha!

LillianV: Hi there. I will be helping with your search.

You: Hello Lillian, my that's a pretty name

LillianV: Thank you

LillianV: What would you like to know about asparagus?

You: I'm looking for asparagus, can you help me Lillian?

LillianV: Do you want a recipe?

You: I would like to know what the optimum temperature is for storing asparagus and growing asparagus and eating asparagus

LillianV: Sure, hold on please

You: OK, in the meantime, can I ask a question Lillian?

You: Is the V in your name a roman numeral? Making you the fifth Lillian in a long line of royal Lillians?

You: Wow, this is a long search, is asparagus hard to get hold of in these modern times?

You: Lillian, you're not dead are you?

You: Hello?

You: Oh Gods!

Something was wrong, Lillian V had stopped responding. I feared the worst, so I figured I must go and raise the alarm:

Status: Looking for a guide ...

Status: Connected to guide: DavidS

DavidS: Welcome to ChaCha!

DavidS: hi

You: Hello David, I'm a little concerned, can you help me?

DavidS: I can

You: My last guide, LillianV stopped talking for a long time, I fear the worst has become of her!

DavidS: maybe

DavidS: you never know

DavidS: this is a tough job

You: Sweet lord, is there nothing we can do?

DavidS: probably not

DavidS: it is probably too late

DavidS: at least you made it out

You: Can't you just check on her? You all live in the same building, right?

DavidS: umm no

DavidS: she was evicted

DavidS: last week

You: Oh dear, was she caught snorting cocaine through the unpaid house bills she was supposed to take care of?

You: That happened with my roommate.

DavidS: no she was hooking without a license

You: Hooking what? Ducks? Never mind, I'm sure she's ok. What can you tell me about Asparagus?

:Link: Discovery Online, The Skinny On... Asparagus Pee

You: Aspargus Pee? I'm not talking about urine here David!

You: I want to know what is the best temperature to store it and grow it!

:link: Everything About Asparagus... and More!

You: Hmm, everything about Asparagus, I'll give it a try, thank you David

DavidS: Is there anything else on this topic I can find for you today?

You: Are there any Asparagus For Dummies guides on the Internet? I'm a bit of a dope when it comes to asparagus.

DavidS: let me check

:link: Gardening Asparagus Growing Guide for - How to

You: Thank you, you are like Alan Titchmarsh, only without a braless woman following you around

DavidS: I try

DavidS: Is there anything else on this topic I can find for you today?

You: Nope, I think that is everything

DavidS: Thanks for using ChaCha! I hope you had a great search experience!

DavidS: Please RATE ME. Thanks for using ChaCha.

Status: Session ended.

I have plenty more of these, and I'll share them with you in due course.

Friday, 8 June 2007


First off, thank you Fort for that insightful update. I would throw away my Sky Digibox with the next rubbish collection, however, there's a repeat of Will And Grace that I've only seen 49 times before, and I'd very much like to hit that golden 50.

Next, if you were expecting an insightful, informative update which chronicles either my life, my thought processes, or just a random tidbit that I thought would be amusing, then you are sure to be disappointed. I don't feel like writing an update today, and as such, you shall not be getting one. Nope. Nothing for you to read here. I bet you're wondering why, but the fact is, I simply cannot be bothered. That's right, I don't much care for blogging today, and as such, shall not be updating anything at all this Friday.

I may do an update tomorrow, I may wait until Monday. I'm a big essence of uncertainty, a cloud of dunno. So, to sum up, there will be no blog from me today, and that is absolutely, positively, final. No questions asked. Are you wondering if I have run out of inspiration? The answer is no, I still have inspiration, and I still enjoy writing this blog, however I just do not have much to say right at this precise moment.

I thought about doing an update where I'd waffle on about nothing, but I felt that would be very unfair to you, the faithful reader, and I wouldn't want to offend your sensibilities with a pointless block of text that you wished you'd never read. I wouldn't like to have my time wasted like that, and I doubt that a single one of you would either, so forgive me for not giving you an article. If you feel cheated by this, then I apologise, but at least I warned you instead of leaving you high and dry. In effect, you could say I have done you a service, but I doubt you'll see it like that somehow. Regardless, do not expect anything of worth from me.

Rest assurred, I have plenty of ideas for future updates, just nothing that I want to unveil at this moment in time. So you'll have to make do with absolutely nothing, like what war is good for.

Funny And Relevant Picture Of The Day

I'll see you on the flip side.

Thursday, 7 June 2007

TV Licenses - another conspiracy

Hello all! Fort here for his first post to Addman's blog!

I'm pleased to be part of this - without a daily dose of decent humor and prying into someone else's personal life, I wither and die on the inside, so I hope I can match Addman's standards.
I've been given a long leash here, I'll be using it in a terribly misguided fashion.

I don't care for going Digital.

If you don't know what this is, it's another UK thing. When you buy a TV, you get a basic amount of five channels (or four channels, if you live in a remote place - like me). You "go digital" to have the privilege of having more channels, think of it as another version of cable TV.

But honest to god, it's not really worth it, apart from the occasional movie repeat, no matter how many TV channels you have, the selection is always terrible. In my opinion it's not worth going Digital to rot your brain with daytime TV, it'd be better if you went out back into the Shed, and shot yourself in the foot with your nail-gun, it's the same effect, and on the plus side you have something to talk about later. So you can imagine my disgust - when the Government will pull the plug on regular TV, forcing everyone to switch to Digital.

However this is what really grinds me - we're going to be forced to pay our TV License's as well as Switch over to Digtal. If you don't know what a TV License is- it's a Television Tax.

This is basically the entire point of my rant, we have to pay a Tax on something we gain no benefit from; once the Digital Switchover comes, I'll only receive static if I don't start my subscription! Hell, even the Mafia weren't that dishonest, at least when they made you pay-up it was to stop them breaking your legs.
What really is the final nail in the coffin, is the government are playing two adverts at once at us, one telling us we must pay our TV License or receive a hefty fine, and the second "helping" us do the switchover. It's crafty propaganda I tells ya'!

So my dear readers, write to the Government, refuse to pay your Television License, and pay up that regular fee to the Laundrette in York that's really a Mafia hideout - it's all for a good cause.

Tuesday, 5 June 2007

Content Update

The latest chapter in the ongoing Miss Linda Mayo Saga. I recieved this today:

Dearest Sir

I am sad to infrom you that we are running out of time. Please send me the details so we can progress these matters.

Best Regards
Miss Linda Mayo.
Well, I was expecting a much longer reply than that! Miss Mayo, you big tease, leaving this little email without so much as referring to mine. What must I do to win your attentions?!

Dear Miss Marmalade

Running out of time? This sounds like serious business! You are very lucky because serious business is my area, and I know exactly what to do when serious business rears it's very serious and business-like head. Did you know I once owned a Serious Business? It was called Serious Businesses Inc. Org. Ltd., and we dealt in many serious matters, me and my eight year old brother, Josh. We helped get the television reception perfect and finally found out what those creaky noises were in the attic. Grandpa had found his way out of the grouting again.

Anyway, back to current matters. In order to sort out this serious business, I recommend that you give me your bank details and telephone numbers immediately. If we deposit the winnings into your bank account, then our enemies, who are totally anticipating our previous plan, will be completely shocked when they break into my bank vault and find that I have removed the money and placed Cerberus, the hell hound, in there (Actually, it's just my Jack Russel with some papier mache dragon heads stuck on his back). You see, our enemies will never expect it, and we'll be over twelve steps ahead in the game of checkmate, whereas they'll be sliding down the snakes until, kerplunk, they wind up in the Library with Professor Plum and Mr. Baker.

Please send me the details I require as soon as possible. I fear the enemy spies may be drawing in already.

Yours Paranoidily,
If I get another reply after that, I'll eat my ears off! So long Miss Mayo, may your delicious name spread through the sandwiches of the world, bringing peace and indigestion to your fellow man.

Awesome Picture Of The Day

Monday, 4 June 2007

Return Of The...Me...

Aloha, I've been away for a whole week, and as such, I feel as refreshed as a man who's had a week off work. Who'd have thought it, eh? Still, I enjoyed myself and that's the most important thing.

Spam Up!

Anyway, I pick up where I left off with Miss Linda Mayo. Since my hiatus, she has kindly replied to my last crazy email. Here's the response:

Dearest Sir

I thank you for the quick response. I undrstand your concern on this matter, but let me assure you that this transaction is 100% safe. My brother and I have to stress that we will do all we can to make smooth this process.

There is one alternative that may benefit you more. Instead of submitting your name to release the consignment, we could tranfer this direct into bank account or holding account. I hope you agree that this may be a safer investment.

Please send me your telephone so that we may exchange conversation on this. Please be sure to let me have your bank details so that we understand where to send the consignment.

My brother and I are desperate for your return. Believe me that I feel strongly I can trust, even though we may have never met, almost as though someone is telling me you are trustworthy. I believe my father would have trusted you.

Best Regards
Miss Linda Mayo.
You understand my concern? You make it sound like I was doubting you. I never did such a thing! In fact, I believe it's a great idea to give out my phone number and bank details to complete strangers, especially when some dead guy is telling me to do so! Despite winning the affections of Linda's dead family, there were still pressing matters ahead.

Dear Miss Mayonaise

Your father sounds very understanding if he trusts me so soon after knowing me. I hope he doesn't mind the fact that I am a chronic masturbator, and that it tends to interrupt my work every hour. Loads of gizz. Also, does he mind that I accidentally drowned a dog? I was only 19 when I did it and I feel bad for accidentally tying cinder blocks to it's paws and rolling it off a bridge.

Anyway, yes, I too feel that I can trust you, like the winds of trust are slowly caressing my body, compelling me to believe everything you say. As much as I would love to exchange telephone numbers with you Linda, I'm afraid my crazy mother has prohibited phone useage in our house to zero. In other words, I'm banned from talking on the phone unless I pay the £823 I ran up on our last phone bill from those sex lines and masturbating. In fact, the woman I spoke to was named Linda. Luscious Linda she was, it's not you by any chance is it? Just curious...

Perhaps we could complete our exchange via the incredible medium that is electronic mail? I'll email you my bank details after I go down to the bank tomorrow (It's bank holiday Tuesday here in the UK), but could you please tell me what details I need to ask for? I could go in and say "Give me all the details for money transfers to Africa!", but I don't know if he'll understand me because of my lisp. It's not my fault I bite my tongue whilst masturbating!

Yours throbbingly

My aim was to make myself sound kind of perverted, since she suggested I was so trustworthy about ten times in her last email. Let's hope she responds! I'll catch you folks tomorrow.