My New Phone

Hullo electronic screen people!  I’m Addman Senior, informally nicknamed “Oldman”.  Some young ‘uns once asked me if I was related to Gary Oldman, at which they snickered and ran off.  Well, more fool them because, yes, I am indeed a distant cousin of the renowned actor.  Foolish children.

Anyway, my grandson, Addman, wanted me to pen a review of a modern mobile telephony device.  I was pleased to be asked as he usually asks me for money instead, so it felt like a refreshing change.  I explained that I'd never owned such a piece of equipment before as I'd heard the radio waves can cause cancer.  But then I considered that at my time time of life, those emissions might actually prevent cancer instead like a portable chemotherapy machine.  It was at this point that he bundled me into his car, drove down town, and lead me into a high street telephony outlet.

The store was named O2, which seemed ironic as the inside of the store was decked out in images of an underwater scene.  I assume the store manager didn’t realise that the chemical symbol for water is H2O, not O2.  What kind of amateur alchemist is running the show here?

Our local O2 store.  Yoshi not pictured.

After being handed an endless stream of devices by a cheerfully upbeat Japanese kid named Yoshi (successfully maintaining the Asian technophile stereotype), my grandson suggested that I should buy the “Apple iPhone 4S 3G”.  The cordless telephone promised a dazzling array of features, which I will be covering later in this review, but I was not too pleased with the price.  I had to pay £40 a month, plus insurance for this little gizmo.  I explained out loud that my first telephone was purchased for no more than twelve shillings and a cup of tea for the British Telecom engineer who came to install it.  The Asian chap assured me that times had changed, and no amount of haggling or bribery with the toffees in my pocket could persuade him to lower the cost.  That’s almost half my pension!  Still, my grandson reckons that we can get the money back by selling the device on something called an Eee Bay.  Sometimes, I don’t know what he’s talking about.

My first impressions were rather underwhelming, to be honest.  After unwrapping an endless amount of cardboard (I think the Apple corporation manufactures more cardboard than apples these days), I found the telephone’s screen to be incredibly dark and unresponsive.  After nearly half an hour prodding at it, my grandson informed me that you have to insert the battery first.  I ran to fetch the batteries from the remote control, but by the time I had retrieved them, he had already inserted a different battery and had plugged it into the mains.

This is another annoying feature of the Apple iPhone 4S 3G.  For a cordless telephony device, you have to spend an inordinate amount of time with a wire sticking out of the bottom of it.  Apparently, you need to fill it with electricity before it can be used.  As you use the device, the electricity slowly evaporates into the ether or something.  Soon you’ll find yourself having to plug the telephone back in again.  Not exactly cordless technology if you ask me.

The Apple iPhone 4S 3G, cable not pictured.

Once it was finally fully charged, my grandson left me to it and said he’d call me on it tomorrow to find out how I was getting on.  I ran into my first brick wall shortly after he left.  You see, the Apple company forgot to put any buttons on the Apple iPhone 4S 3G.  There’s an on and off button, and a button with a square on it near the bottom, but I couldn’t find a keyboard or a button to ring people or anything.

I once saw a young chap operating a similar device several years ago.  I remember my false teeth falling out when I watched him snap the device in two to reveal a keyboard in the middle of it.  Perhaps this is what the Apple company wanted me to do with their Apple iPhone 4S 3G.

After trying to prise the thing open in several ways, I eventually threw the mobile device on the floor and stamped on it.  I sifted through the shards of glass and transistor wotsits, I was still unable to find a keyboard inside.  Perhaps I did it too hard and broke the keyboard as well.

Anyway, 24 hours and another trip to the underwater retail emporium later, I found myself with yet another Apple iPhone 4S 3G.  I asked if it could come with a keyboard this time, and Yoshi assured me that there is a keyboard “programmed” into it that’s really easy to use.  This time, my grandson decided to supervise and help me locate the relevant functions in the instruction booklet.

One disturbing feature of this telephony device is that it has a nasty habit of speaking to you.  Whilst watching The Simple Life on the television, I was idly flicking through the Apple screens.  Meanwhile on the television, Miss Hilton said something obnoxious about having to clean a hotel room, to which I shouted “Get on with it!  I don’t care whether you are Paris or not!”  The Apple iPhone 4S 3G suddenly piped up and said “Should be pretty nice this weekend in Paris”, and displayed a temperature reading.  How the telephone knows the current body temperature of Paris Hilton is beyond me, and if I was 50 years younger, I would surely enjoy a lovely weekend inside her.  Though I'm not really sure why the telephone decided to join in the conversation at this point.

This is another thing.  I tried to telephone Blacks, the outdoor equipment store, to complain about a waterproof jacket I purchased a few days ago.  Anyway, the telephone keeps activating something called a “Siri” which says “Here’s your search results for Blacks” and shows me some white supremacist websites.  I’m terrified that my telephone thinks I’m a racist.

An app. The mass slaughter of green swine not pictured.

I’d heard a lot about the “apps” that you can get on an Apple iPhone 4S 3G, so I decided to have a look and see which apps would be apt for a geriatric gentleman such as myself.  I had a look at an app called something like “Furious Avian Creatures” in which you have to fling fat crows into brick walls.  I was sickened by this simulation of animal cruelty, and decided that apps weren't really for me.

Overall, I have not enjoyed my experience with the Apple iPhone 4S 3G.  I have found it to be an exercise in frustration.  Even the simplest functions seem 100 times more difficult with this telephone and I fail to see how this technology is supposed to enhance people’s lives.  It doesn’t even taste like apples!  For that reason, I’d recommend sticking to your good old CB radio.  You’re never alone with one of those.

2/10