Tuesday, 10 February 2009

Canada's Next Top Model

On a message board that I frequent, a woman named Emma posted a picture of herself posing in front of what looked a panel of judges, as shown below. The following transcript is real, even though it has since been deleted by the woman in question. Props to Brian Harvey for providing several of the funny questions in this exchange:

Addman at 15:26, on 10 February
Tiny picture. Got any bigger ones?

Emma Bayard-Aikman at 15:31, on 10 February
the one right before...cirque du soleil

Addman at 15:34, on 10 February
Are you an aspiring model? I am in the modelling business, perhaps I can get you some work.

Emma Bayard-Aikman at 15:34, on 10 February
i would love that!!!

Addman at 15:37, on 10 February
I work for Models Direct. We're an agency that prides ourselves on providing the highest quantity of models available. We take on a wide range of people that we feel have that certain X Factor. Here's our website:


I can set up a profile for you if you want to go ahead. If you like, I can ask you the entry questions here and create you an online portfolio this afternoon.

Emma Bayard-Aikman at 15:42, on 10 February
sounds good

Addman at 15:43, on 10 February
Ok, that's great. Well name and gender are a given (lol), but could I have your date of birth?

Emma Bayard-Aikman at 15:44, on 10 February
10 / 10 / 88

Addman at 15:45, on 10 February
Perfect! And your nationality?

Emma Bayard-Aikman at 15:47, on 10 February
canadian 100%

Addman at 15:50, on 10 February
Good stuff. Canadian eh? I don't think we have many of those on our books. Now, the next few questions are a bunch of fun ones to get a feel for your personality and give a light hearted take on your profile, so don't feel put off ok?

Are you more of a cat person or a dog person?

Emma Bayard-Aikman at 15:52, on 10 February
cat person...

Addman at 15:52, on 10 February
Could you describe your wildest night out?

Emma Bayard-Aikman at 15:59, on 10 February
do you really want to know???? lol good question.

Addman at 16:01, on 10 February
Ideally, yes. If it's too risque or you don't feel comfortable telling me, you can always skip any dirty details :)

Emma Bayard-Aikman at 16:02, on 10 February
i like to party , although i dont go out every night. im not a big drinker either because i usually drive... wildest night.. studying with my cat till 3 am. is that wild enough for you???

Addman at 16:14, on 10 February
Good answer. Sorry about the amount of time it's taken me to get back to you, my browser just crashed.

Who would win out of a fight? Zangeif or Dhalsim?

Emma Bayard-Aikman at 16:17, on 10 February
Zangeif... lol not too sure who that is ...but.. he would win!

Addman at 16:17, on 10 February
Too right he would!

Do you have one leg shorter than the other?

Emma Bayard-Aikman at 16:19, on 10 February
no...not that i know of...llol

Addman at 16:20, on 10 February
Is your glass half full, half empty, or shattered in a puddle of despair that is soaking into the desolate floorboards of your anguish?

Emma Bayard-Aikman at 16:21, on 10 February
would you mind doing this by sending messages...

Emma Bayard-Aikman at 16:21, on 10 February
half full always.

Addman at 16:23, on 10 February
We are sending messages, are we not?

Short bangs, or long, hard bangs?

Emma Bayard-Aikman at 16:24, on 10 February
lol... that i have or would like to have? long hard bangs..

Addman at 16:25, on 10 February
Could you describe your ideal man/woman/other?

Emma Bayard-Aikman at 16:27, on 10 February
tall ...dark hair and skin complexion.... smart .... and did i say smart???

Addman at 16:28, on 10 February
Do you wear short shorts?

Emma Bayard-Aikman at 16:29, on 10 February

Addman at 16:36, on 10 February
Since you're a cat lover, do you have a nice pussy?

And that's where the exchange ends. Oddly enough, she's left the comments about me wanting her to join the modelling agency, but deleted the silly questions.

Monday, 9 February 2009

Fw: Re: Fw: Fw: Re: Fw: Re: Re: Re:

As a blog owner, Internet user, and all round action hero, I feel that I should warn my fellow wonderweb users about the dangers that face them when browsing the Information Hyper Megaway. You see, here in Cyberland, we have these things called viruses. They can come down your Intertubes, like a flu virus or a dose of the clap, and infect your computer, causing it to spaz out and melt. Here is a small sample of some of the virus warnings I recieved in my inbox and what horrors they may inflict on you and your family if you aren't careful.

The Lurve Bug

The Lurve Bug lands in your inbox disguised as a harmless Valentine's Day quiz which matches you up with the nearest loveless sap. The virus will install itself to your hard drive if you open the email, and will cause your computer to display symptoms of love towards the owner. When you start up your computer, the welcome noise will be at least 50% more cheerful, and you may find your desktop is tinged slightly red. The CD tray will open occasionally if you walk past it, and you may find images of hearts appear in your My Pictures folder.

You may also find that if you don't use your machine for a few days or don't treat it to dinner and a movie every so often, that your PC will fall out with you. You'll occasionally see broken hearts flash up on screen, and in extreme cases, the words "WHY DON'T YOU LURVE MEEEE!?!?!" will scream out of your speakers late at night. Some users have found their computers with their power cords slashed, but this kind of self harm has not been confirmed.

The "Blummin' 'eck" Virus

Mostly an inconvenience in that all it does is change the desktop wallpaper to display Northern expressions of mild annoyance such as "Blummin' 'eck"", " 'Ecktor heathcoat!" and "Flamin' Nora!" This virus will become more prominent if a Cockney accent is uttered into the microphone.

The Aroma Virus

Aroma is paticulary nasty because it arrives via email as a harmless scratch and sniff game, where you have to scratch your monitor with a penny to experience different scents. Not only does this not work, but the aroma virus will install itself and reprogram your computer fans to emit a wide variety of horrible smells including fish, pickled gherkins, Mickey Rourke's posing pouch, pig vomit, and Dagenham. Not only will you not be able to locate the source of the smell, but the amount you spend on air freshner will go up twentyfold.

The Doomsday Virus

This is potentially the worst virus out there. Not only will it remove everything off of your computer in a mere nanosecond (including any stickers you may have put on the case to decorate it), but it will spread to other household appliances. It can turn your lights on and off, make your toaster pop up even when there's no toast in, and turn your freezer off so that your ice cream melts. It will also retune your TV so that every channel is porn, then set your recorder to record it all, then play it through your surround system, and flush your toilet for you. Your oven will cook itself. Your taps will constantly drip. Your smoke alarms will beep to the tune of the latest Will Young record. Your spirit will eventually be crushed and you will probably die.

So there you have it. A list of all the viral dangers that can effect you from the moment you bring a PC into your home. I hope that you all feel much more enlightened and needlessly alarmed by this article. Join me next time when I talk about Internet Predators: Animals That Eat The Internet.

Friday, 6 February 2009

Top Ten Nazi Super Weapons: Part 1

There are too many "top-tens" in today's pill poppin', cocaine snorting, Z-list celebrity world of tomorrow, this is why I've taken it upon myself to create a top ten that's educational, upholds family values, a top ten that has value and something that everyone can enjoy. Naturally, I thought of the Nazis. 
Wunderwaffen (or Wonder Weapons), were the Nazi's attempt to try to turn an already strategically lost war, these inventions were highly advanced for their time, and thankfully the Nazis still lost. 

At Number 10: Fliegerfaust 

The first anti-aircraft defense system that could be carried by the common soldier. The Fliegerfaust was credited of having a random scatter of its projectiles and thus never reached its 500 meter range. 

In the words of Comic-book guy: "Worst. Man-portable air-defense system. Ever." 

At Number 9: Zielgerät 1229 "The Vampire" 

The Nazi's first infa-red for night-time fighting. A blocky thing made of wood and powered by a battery inside the gas-mask, this machine worked in too high a spectrum of infa-red and therefore couldn't detect body heat. Russians on the eastern front talked of huge scopes that emitted no light balanced on top of Nazi rifles. 

Infa-red that can't detect body heat seems kind'a useless to me, but hey I'm not a war general...yet. 

At Number 8: Silbervogel 

How awesome do the words “rocket-powered sub-orbital bomber aircraft" sound? Pretty damn awesome until you add Nazi to it - but hey it does bring to mind an Indiana Jones fight scene in space! 

Unfortunately the Silbervogel is not a manned aircraft, and sadly was never created, but was an interesting idea in concept. It would have been a large plane that would be thrust down a ramp by rockets, and flown above the stratosphere, where as it came further down into the air would "bounce" on the stratosphere, all the way to Japan across America! 

Sadly the mathematical concepts involved in this design were flawed, and the plane would have broken up on re-entry. This plane gets bonus-points though because the scientists who created it were nearly kidnapped by Stalin's soviet spies in France! More Indiana Jones, me thinks. 

At Number 7: Panzer VIII Maus 

One of the largest and heaviest tanks ever to see development near the end of WWII, the Maus was so large and heavy (steel amour at a maximum thickness of a possible 240 mm) that it would have been a problem to cross most bridges, and would have needed a snorkel to cross deep rivers. 

When first shown a wooden prototype of the Maus, Hitler saw the 120 mm gun as a "toy", and had it upgraded to 150 mm. This did little for its success rate though, as it saw little success against the Russians, the crew had to burn it to stop it falling into enemy hands, but the Russians nicked it anyway. 

Thick, cramped, slow, the Maus's specifications were probably ported over to be used in public transport. 

At number 6: XXI U-boats 

Now we're coming to some more successful weapons. These were the first submarines ever to be able to completely submerge themselves underwater for several days. If there were more of them the Nazis could well have ruled the waves...or the ocean currents, whatever the hell Neptune has, they'd take, in short. Nazi swashbuckling pirates, anyone? 

These things were plagued by flaws, sadly. Despite all the modern luxuries such as a freezer, an ability to shave, and a hell-of'a-lot-of torpedoes, only 4 of the 118 made were ever fit for use. Why? For some reason all the pre-made parts were made in separate inland factories by people with no experience whatsoever in making things that float on water. Imagine asking a Jeweler to make amour, you'd only be able to dazzle your opponent with shiny plating before he skewered through you like tinfoil. 

At number 5: Landkreuzer P. 1500 Monster 

The Maus may have been the largest tank developed at 188 tones; this monster would have weighed no less that 1500 tones if the project was not cancelled. 

Huge, ungainly, impossible to steer, yet it would take a huge amount of firepower to destroy and in theory could fire 23 miles at heavily fortified targets. The Landrekzer doesn't really deserve position 6, yet as must be done with all the Nazi weapons, one must take the concept over the operation, and let’s face it, no one tells a 1500 tone tank where to park. 

At number 4: Messerschmitt Me 163 

This is the one and ONLY rocket-propelled fighter aircraft in existence. Normal planes were completely flummoxed by these incredibly fast aircraft that would fly through their formations and fire madly at them. 

It may be the problems of the 163 that give it its best value. A huge amount of fuel in-take at high-speeds meant that if air-battles were waited out that these planes effectively became fast-turning gliders. Pilots also had to contend with unpressurised cabins, meaning that they could only spend so long at high altitudes before being knocked unconscious, meaning they had to be "hardened" in altitude training. 

These poor pilots also had to undergo low-fiber diets, lest the "gas" inside them expanded while flying. It is because of this, I wish to coin a new phrase: "In a Messerschmitt Me 163, the last thing you want to do is hold it in." 

At number 3: StG44 

The assault rifle is an iconic weapon in war games; war movies; coasters; mouse pads; and magazines of women in thin clothes carrying dangerous guns, so it may be a surprise to some that the Nazis may well have made the first assault rifle, certainly the first one of its type to see mass production. 

It's no doubt that post-war, that Soviets, Americans and many other armies up to the modern day have adopted the assault rifle for their infantry. 

Can anyone imagine Eva Braun in a bikini holding one? Does anyone want to? Probably wouldn't have been an assault rifle anyway, the German's were still very much machine-gun heavy.


Well I had the first two ready, but I managed to close the page and lose the draft. Stay tuned for the top two wunderwaffen soon!