Friday, 30 January 2009

Stars Of MySpace #1

As I'm sure you'll already be aware, MySpace as a social networking website is much more than just pictures of teenage girls taken at flattering angles, along with barely legible descriptions about "bein randum!" and stuff. MySpace also offers you a wide dearth of undiscovered musical talent of all genres and varieties. This feature intends to delve into the wealth of MySpace bands and artists, separating the wheat from the crusted horse droppings, so as to inform you, the reader, of what you should to listening to (because we all know you're too daft to figure it out on your own).

Tila Tequila - (link)

Tila is the teeny little tartlet at the centre of today's Stars Of MySpace. Alright, so Tila Tequila is hardly a Star Of MySpace anymore. She's bigger than that! Apparently, upon minimal research, it turns out she's a matchstick sized stripper who wishes for a successful music career to add to her list of talents (others of which include standing around nude and having "attitude"). For those not familiar with tiny Tila, here's an excerpt from her profile description:

"i like people who are really fucked up. I mean like tormented in one way or another because then i won't feel like such a freak around those that are "normal." nerds, geeks, and freaks are all my friends. Cool people are pretty damn lame. I am very high strung and suffer from multiple personalities."

So all you balanced people better go and fall off the see-saw of sanity if you want to befriend Miss Tequila. She strikes me as one of those women who fall in love with serial killers and notorious criminals and send them love letters in prison. I suppose she would strike up a love affair with Ian Huntley, given the chance. Anyway, enough about the woman, we all want to know about the music!

May I be the first to say that Tila Tequila's music is profound beyond belief considering it's been made for a porn actress, as reflected in songs such as Straight Up. Sure, it might sound like someone vomiting into a bag of gravel and inserting the word "fuck" into every sentence, but I'm sure that's just to disguise its deeper hidden meaning, that I'm too obviously too stupid to understand.

This song sounds like any piss poor metal band, but sped up to speeds that would rival Dragonforce on laxative pills. The song also includes the squealings of an unknown male contributor, but I'll be damned if he's consequential enough to catch a word of what he says. Tila is the star of the show, so he's obviously tried to make himself sound incomprehensible so as not to steal the tartlet's spotlight. It's a tactical decision, I'm sure.

Not to seem like a one trick pony, horse, donkey, or any sort of equine entity, Tila has some kind of RnB ballad named Paralyze, with a backing track produced on a child's Casio keyboard that still manages to overpower Tila's voice. Don't mistake that for Tila having about as much singing talent as a rat with laryngitis; she's simply trying to convey her emotions in a subtle manner. That or she's trying to get in the role of being Paralyzed as the name of the track suggests by refusing to move her collagen-infused lips as she emotes. There's also a small rap thrown in for good measure too!

The best song has to be Stripper Friends. This is a vocoded horror show to rival anything that Madonna has ever shat out. My personal favourite lyric would be "All my stripper friends, all my ex boyfriends, we all want the same thing" Yes. Lyrics that don't follow the music in any coherent fashion, obviously.

Other songs include such mature gems as "Drunken Song I Wrote" (it was rather fortuitous that Tila was near a recording studio when she was drunk), and a nonsensical cover of No Woman No Cry that is pretty much whispered into the microphone from a distance throughout.

Judging from the comments she's received on her MySpace page, many other people are interested in Tila as a musician, and believe she offers a lot of depth and originality to the musical community:

Anni - You are HOT!
Billy - you r wit out a dout the hottes female on the planet
The Wolf - =)
Elfe - aaaaaaaahw, tila you are as hot as hell! *-*
EMPOWER RECORDS - Just coming through beautiful to show your page some amor.
Geraldine Craig - Yeah, cutie!

As you can see, the general public are in awe of her musical prowess and certainly don't see her as some edgy version of Avril Lavigne who can't quite settle on one style of music. Pop, Rap, RnB, Metal, Screeching, she's a mistress of it all, and those who doubt her integrity can go and pleasure themselves to her 4ft frame and ballooned bosoms. Tila may be bigger than MySpace, but she's certainly a star of it.

Monday, 26 January 2009

Fort takes your relationship woes.

So as soon as people hear of a new blog on the ENERNET, next thing I know we're over swamped with E-mails and letters berating relationship woes and whatnot. Well not being one to ignore an E-mail, here is Fort's advice for all your problem needs.

Dear M for P,

I am a happily married man of 5 years, but recently my wife has been acting strangely. She gets rather in "the mood" after watching The Muppets, and her fixation with our child's "Tickle-me-Elmo" doll is bordering on unhealthy. Being a blog on muppets, could you help?

Yours sincerely,
Mike Keats Anything

Have no fear Mr. Anything, it's rather simple, you're a boring, depressing guy to be around and your wife is moving onto greener pastures. But! There is hope yet. I suggest covering yourself in glue, rolling around in blue fur and sticking a prosthetic hand up your bottom, if this doesn't drive your wife wild I don't know what will!

hey, im in a bit of trouble with my girlfriend cos she doesnt want to commit to a relationship cos she says shes not ready after a breakup with her ex. i am frustrated what should i do?

Well friend, the way to a woman's heart is through the sinewy flesh above her upper abdomen. Grow a dashing twirly moustache, hold a knife to her gullet and get a corrupt priest to marry you both as you twiddle your facial hair in a dastardly way. Don't worry, if my calculations are correct she'll be fainting most of the time!

Hey Muppets for Justice!

My name is Chastity Beldt and my problem is that my current boyfriend doesn't want to open up. I mean, it's long term, he's supposed to propose soon, but he always has this cold attitude, he never tells me how he's feeling and I feel so distant from him.
How can we be more open to each other?

Hey Chastity, he's "supposed to propose to you soon?" Your problem is you're a crazy lady and your craziness is turning him away from you. Do you own cats? If you own more that two cats I believe that he may not be opening up:
A) He's dead.
B) You're his stalker.

If you own less that two cats then clearly his unresponsiveness is due to the fact that:
A) He is a macho-man. So macho he doesn't open up because he is too macho for sissy things like woman-talk.
B) He was molested as a child.

Take the above points to heart as you question his personality. Does he wear a loincloth? Does he look like a mountee? Does he have a fear of old men with a twinkle in their eye? Have you only ever seen your love through his bedroom window? Once you understand this, you're sooner to understanding you're in a soulless relationship.

Thanks for the E-mails people, post back in soon with more of your embarrassing personal details!


Tuesday, 20 January 2009

Who You Should Hate In 2009

Everyone has already done their big lists for 2009, so yes, I'm a little late to the table. However, considering that Muppets For Justice has only just risen from the dead like a cliché-riddled Phoenix, here is my paltry effort at a new year's countdown list.

The people below are celebrities who have gone the extra mile in 2008 for being a mixture of tedious, banal, and generally shit, and they are people who we'd like to see much less of in 2009. Bear in mind that this not a definitive list of shitties, as our popular culture is riddled with them. Consider it as more of a "special honours" list, for those who really pushed the boat out and pissed me off.

Phillip Schofield

If you were to take a blade to Phillip Schofield, I'm pretty sure that pure, undiluted evil would run freely from his veins. This man may not be solely responsible for the horrors of daytime, but he is certainly one of the main perpetrators. He and his weight-fluctuating bastion of banallity, Ferne Britton were already in poor standing at the start of this year due to their relentless shittery on This Morning, but then they were both chosen to to host an even more watered down version of that aging gameshow, Mr and Mrs. This show gets worse every time they bring it back, and it suffers even more when they put it on at primetime on a Saturday night. Nobody really cares if someone's wife farts whilst doing the dishes, or if someone's husband has a nasty habit of picking his ears with a fishfork.

It's sad to think that Phillip Schofield used to entertain children with a small gopher, and now people throw money at him to host nothing but phone-ins. Phil has probably milked more money out of the general public than a squadron of debt collectors, which wouldn't be so bad if the money wasn't wasted on making even more programs about even more talentless celebrities slipping around on an ice rink. Yes, Dancing On Ice is yet another tapeworm to add to Schofield's colon of crappy television shows. If you're not convinced that you should dislike him yet, take a look at his photo. How old is he exactly? He looks young, but has prematurely aged and got himself a granddad tan. The popular theory is that he sold his youth in exchange for a longer TV career.

Piers Morgan

Piers deserves a standing ovation and a lifetime achievement award for being a complete cuntweasel. These days, he masquerades as one of the judges on Britain's Got Talent (which is annoying enough to deserve a mention), but not all that long ago, he was the editor of the Daily Mirror, a newspaper which dedicated itself to making up rumours and lies about people in the limelight and was famous for the misinformation printed within. After many years pursuing this course of action until his sacking in 2004, he then branched out into television, and will soon be making his own documentaries about his holidays to extravagant places around the world, which is contemptible enough in my vision.

However, what really adds the final clagnut to the steaming turd that is Piers is his incessant arguments and clashes with other, more talented celebrities. First of all, his hate campaign against Ian Hislop was laughable. Even though Ian Hislop himself may be about as funny as third world debt, he still outshines Piers since Hislop doesn't use his publication to childishly insult people he doesn't like by calling them "gnomes".

Then there's the clash with Clarkson that was highly publicised, but worst of all, Piers had the audacity to call out Johnathan Ross over the Manuelgate scandal. Honestly Piers, the hypocrisy of your mock outrage was unbearable. Does making fun of famous people in the media offend you Piers? Then why have you made a living out of the very same thing for almost a decade, you contradictory sack of shite? Also, he is solely responsible for Paul Burrell, which leads me nicely on to...

Paul Burrell

This is a man who is famous purely for making tea. Paul Burrell was a butler to Princess Diana before her death in 1997, and we haven't stopped hearing about it since. Paul has successfully made a career out of a carcrash, which I suppose could be considered as an achievement if he was little more coy about his plan to milk the papers for all they're worth and spill every last detail about the Royals. It seems that every couple of weeks, even now, there is a headline or television show entitled "Paul Burrell: My Story", "The Truth By Paul Burrell", "The REAL Truth About My Story", or "Oh Sorry, Here's Some Bits I Missed Out Of My Definitive Truth".

Paul became ten times more detestable when he started appearing on reality TV shows like Celebrity Love Jungle or whatever the hell he was on. Surely I don't need to describe the types of insipid, vacuous "celebrities" that appear on those shows, do I?

Cheryl Cole

Cheryl is possibly the only person in the world to capitalise on being cheated on by her husband. As soon as the story broke, moronic council estate fashionistas rallied around as a women united front, braying for the blood of the bloke who "done dat cheatin' ", whilst also gathering enough stray timber, fallen from the wooden support struts of their dilapidated dwellings, to build a 100ft monument to goddess Cheryl.

Alright, the previous statement may have been riddled with hyperbole, but Cheryl's ascent from Blank Canvas In The Back Of A Pop Group to Talent Judge And Fashion Icon Extraordinaire during 2008 has felt like the second coming of [insert prophet/religious icon/favourite dinosaur here].

Still, at least she provides a frame for fashion designers to hang clothes upon, giving her more in common with a coathanger than a human being.

And there you go. A lovely list of less-than-lovely people. Join us next year when I list my least favourite ice cream flavours in order of the amount of bugs that landed on them.

Benji Returns

After I, I mean, the bank offended Benji the hoodie scammer last time, I figured that the Benji saga may be well and truly over. I decided to put this to bed once and for all:

16 January at 16:16

why did you turn weird and start accusing me of horrible things? i just thought you would like to make some money for your charity but i guess i was wrong!

17 January at 9:53

I'm really sorry Benji, it was the bank, not me! They claimed to have a file of all your sins and they started telling me everything!

In retrospect, I might have accidentally rang your local church, have you taken confession lately?

17 January at 10:39

just tell me if you are serious or not about this so i can stop wasting my time with you.

17 January at 11:12

Benji, you are an untrusting fellow. Of course I want to be a part of your wonderful scheme to turn mere pennies into gold! I've already set up at least seven direct debits to send you all my savings so you can get this project started. That's where you were going with this, right?

Oh wait, I forgot, I'm not serious at all. You can piss off now, unless you've got another way for me to make tiny fractions of money by promoting completely unrelated goods and services on my group that nobody is going to want.

Looking forward to hearing from you


And that was the last I ever heard from Benji. The last I heard, he made a hoody about how much he hates me and used it to hang himself in his basement, but chances are I made that up.

Friday, 16 January 2009

The Legend Of Benji

This is a continuation post in the saga of Benji, the hoodie scammer. To sum up the last post, he attempted to use a group of mine to advertise his business, so I decided to see how long I could string him along for.

Shortly after our previous exchange, Benji added me as a friend and tried to talk to me via IM. The exchange suddenly became livlier and required me to think on my feet, causing Benji to question my integrity a couple of times, but I'm quite pleased with how this turned out:



Eight it is then.

What file are these emails stored in? Its something we could look at.

Could you send out and event? or post a link and a small note explaining how we intend to generate money for charity on your??


I can make a link on my group. What kind of thing would you like it say?

I can make it say all sorts of things


i can have a think about that then send that to you

what about a fund rasisng event?!


do have a mobile that i can call you on?


I'm afraid my mobile is in need of a replacement, so no, just the land line at the moment I'm afraid.

Never trust a dog to fetch your phone when it rings


wise words there

from your group you can send an event out cant you.


Oh I see, yes I can, and people can see it and join and write all sorts of stuff all over it


indeed! you could set one of those up


What kind of event should I make? How about 2% off all hoodies event, in aid of Hoodies


send it to m e 1st and i can approve it


Alright, I'll brainstorm some ideas and let you know

1st idea: Hoodies for dogs. Dog hoodies than are semi permeable and let in water


if they join my group @the hoody' they get 10% off

if they quote your reference say ' Saras hoodies' the hoody organiser will get a free hoody and 25p will go to your charity


That's a fantastic promotion, but I don't understand how that money will get into my bank, or how much 10% of 25p is


yes agreed

once its up and running then u give me ur bank details


Right ok, what details will you need from me when this is all up and running?


acc number and sor code


We need to get this working 1st!!


Right ok then, I'll go to the bank this afternoon and get those details ready for you. I'll say "Give me the details for Benji!" and they will shiver in fright.

Yes, yes we do, this is grave business

I've just had an idea for the event!


ill think of something to add to your group page. whats the idea you have?


How about a "Best hoodie against peadophillia" contest?


hmmm not so sure

lets both have a barin storm


I think my idea is a sure fire winner


i have to go to a meeting now but will be back about 2. you can show me what you have then


Ok then Benjy, I'll think up some fantastic ideas and let you know. Even though I think we should go with my hoodies for paedophiles one.


do you have a 'sarahs law' logo?


Yes, I'll fish it out and give it you


what charity will it go to?


The Foundation Against Roaming Paedophiles And Protection Of Molestation From Adults




Benji I've been thinking about that brainstorm and I think that a contest would be the best type of event to hold. One about Sarah and how much she hates those rascally paedophiles.


are you serious?


Of course!


well think about it and let me know when i get back


Benjy, I just rang the bank. They said I shouldn't trust you and that you are a shifty, immoral person. Is this true?


of course not

who said this?


Benjy, you're testing my patience here. The bank said you don't even care about Sarah's Law and only want to make profits from hoodies!


are you serious?


They said you also sold your dog to an unscrupulous peasant who may/may not have raped it and eaten it.

I don't know where they get their information, but I've got no reason to not believe them.


fuck off!!!

Benji is offline


Hold me!

Wednesday, 14 January 2009

Muppets For Justice: She Rides Again!

Hello, and welcome back to Muppets For Justice. The blog is returning after quite a few requests from certain people who shall remain anonymous. Interestingly enough, it seems that more people than ever have read this blog since I've stopped updating it. We'll see how long this trend lasts now that I intend to update on a fairly regular basis again. I also hope that you enjoy the new colour scheme; it's a symbol of a new dawn for MFJ or something, so I would be pleased to hear your thoughts/feelings/dietry requirements on the matter.

For those who have been wondering about my marvellous adventures since my last update, don't. Just shut up and let me love you.

Addman Sells Out

Recently, I found myself as an admin for a Facebook group named Sarah's Law. It's a group that supports an early warning system for when children get themselves lost or kidnapped or something, I don't really know, I wasn't paying attention. Anyway, I'd almost forgotten about the group, until I recieved a private message from a one Benjy Dawson. Benjy is a businessman who had an indecent proposal for me:

"I’m just on your Group ‘SARAH'S LAW - Please Sign and help keep children safe.'. I can see that you have some 94,000 members which is fantastic.

I own We sell top notch Hoodies. Now the proposal. If you would agree to send out a message to all your members to have a look at my site I would in return give you commission on every sale that that generated. Which you could inturn donate to a worthy cause for Sarahs Law

Usually our orders range from 100-1000 but in most cases we can safely say that they hit the 150 mark. Of your 94,000 members if we expect 0.25% order ( we find that I ranges from 0.1% to 3.5% ) that’s 235 orders at 150 hoodies per go. Which is 35,250 Hoodies in total

I’d like to offer you 25p commission on every hoody sold. Let me know what you think. It works well.You generate 8k

Naturally, of course I want to capitalise on a trusting campaign group by pushing unrelated items of clothing on them! 25p per sale sounds like an absolute goldmine! I'd probably earn £2 by the end of the year! I decided to see how long I could string Benji along until he realised that I was just wasting his time:

"That sounds like a wonderful proposal Benjy Dawson, but what kind of hoodies do you do? I take my position as admin of Facebook Sarah's Law very seriously, and I wouldn't want my members to start clicking on a link to an inappropriate hoody website and start to loose their unwavering respect towards me. I only want the best for my members, even when I'm making money off them.

Also, how would such a scheme work? Should I give each of my members a unique number (called a Sarah No.), then give you a list of all the 94,000 alphanumeric combinations so you know that these people have been directed to you from me?

Please let me know how we can proceed with this transaction.



"Of course i must agree!This is us-

Yes your members would quote Ref 'Addman's Great Hoodies' or something similar to that affect.

The team organiser would then get a free hoodie, as the incentive to quote your Ref.

how do you feel about that Addman?

All The Best,


"Excellent. I've already chosen what type of hoody I want. I want a mint green one that says "Mac Daddy" on it, and has silhouettes of gerbils on it in a variety of different action poses. Will your website accommodate this?

I feel very good about this business venture. Should I send you my banking code and sort cord yet, or is there anything more urgent that we should discuss.

Also, I have a few ideas of other ways you can market your business to my members if you'd like to hear them. They are A grade, 100%, dynamite stuff, and I will give them you for free as a sign of our beautiful friendship.

Unfortunately I have to get off the computer now as my crazy wife needs to do her laundry online or some rubbish. I'll be on again tomorrow to do business with you. Perhaps, if all this goes well, we should do lunch.

Holler back at me



Whatever you want! How many Gerbils?

Hold fire on bank details until we get it all sorted out.

Do you have a contact number so we can finalise details.

Many Thanks,


"I was thinking nine Gerbils, but that might be a little overkill, so eight should suffice.

As for my idea, not only can I send an email to all my members advertising your wonderful franchise, but many members have sent me their email addresses to put on petitions for Sarah's Law, which I have stored on my hard floppy drive in a texted zip document. I would be willing to give you this document as a gesture of good will, thus giving you access to around 3,500 email addresses that you can add to your mailing list. I'm sure they'd appreciate hearing about your product. I'm sure you'll agree that as a business revenue advertising stream, it's all good fishing from there! LOL!

You must contact me on my house phone which is 0114 2490260. Please do not ring me before 7:15PM GMTV as I am currently out on important business and won't be in until that time (at least, that's what the wife thinks, amirite?), but after that I'm all ears (and hands, for holding the phone)! Until that time, we can sort out any other important business over facebook that requires immediate attention.

Hit me back


More on this exchange as it develops.