Friday, 31 August 2007

Don't Hate The Player

You lucky folks get a whole two updates today! You know why? Because I typed one up yesterday and forgot to publish it. Call me a fool if you must, but nothing could even come close to the insult I recieved in my inbox during the course of yesterday evening.

I got an email from some random hotmail address that just appeared to be a bunch of random characters strewn together by the forces of evil. I was mortified when I opened it up and saw the following message:

addman just stop it. curl up and die

Wow, such a harsh criticism has left a poisonous barb lodged within my heart with no hope of recovery. So this what Steve Irwin must have felt like. I honestly have no idea what I've said or done to illicit such a strong reaction, and I can only assume it's something to do with this blog, since I don't really have a strong online presence anywhere else where people might hate me.

Well mystery reader, if you were hoping for a mention, then you got it. I hope this satisfies you enough so that this doesn't escalate into writing death notes with your own faeces and creating voodoo dolls of me out of your own armpit hair. I hope you won't sneak into my house at night and move my furniature around slightly, thus shocking me in the morning when I notice that the dining room table has shifted three inches! I hope that you won't study mind control, then enter my dreams and begin cooing "stop it, you curler!" over and over until I scoop my frontal lobes out. Threats over the internet are very serious business, and as such, I shall be ringing NetCops in order to provide my blog with 24 hour protection from terrible internet predators.

Despite my absolute terror, I have to really admire the subtle nuances of the above insult. They could have gone down the usual tried and tested paths and come up with something generic, but instead they plucked this golden nugget right out of the air. Golden air! I know that if it were me, I'd have probably written something immensely boring like:

Dear Addman,

I apologise intensively for disrupting the usual flow of viagra and FW: RE: RE: CHECK THIS CHIX TITS!!!!11 emails that you'd usually recieve, but I felt it was of paramount importance to contact you today.

I found your latest blog update to be rather corse and dire, and as such, I shall not be reading your blog anymore. Please find attached a detailled list of what was wrong with your update, and how to rectify it in the future. Until you sort out your act, I feel the need to insult you, so here goes:

Addman, you were concieved on the day that a hobo and a raging schizophreniac decided that a heavy mixture of moonshine and unprotected sex would be an adequate solution to resolve the incredible itch in their genitals, and was abandoned shortly after birth when the pair of them were chased away by some fire-breathing dandilions they thought they saw. I believe you spent most of your childhood living as an animal in your adoptive parents backyard, and being fed hallucinogens as a reward for doing tricks.

Anyway, I close this piece of electronic mail by saying that you sir, are woefully inept and there is not a soul alive who cares to listen to your dribble. Good day!

But of course, his is easier to read, which makes it much better. I hope that my mystery antagoniser reads this and realises that he's won, thus leaving me alone to browse my viagra mails in peace. You hear me?! YOU'VE WON! PLEASE DON'T REMOVE MY EYELIDS!

EDIT: Today's post was proof read by Zoid, whos guinea pig has tricked him.

Tuesday, 28 August 2007

1000 Hit Count Party!

As you've no doubt noticed, we have hit yet another rather pointless milestone which is just little more than an excuse for a kind of celebratory article that will show this blog in a positive light. So, if you'd kindly pretend you have a slice of delicious cake in your hand as you read this, it might make this experience a lot more worthwhile for all involved. Just sit back, don a party hat, and let's explore all the wonderful elements that bring Muppets For Justice together.

Especially for this momentus occasion, here's another back stage look at what goes on behind the scenes of Muppets For Justice.

  • Addman finds a chocolate behind a sofa cushion. Donates to medical science to determine if it's edible.
  • After experimenting with fancy new titles for 10 minutes in Microsoft Word, the new, psychodelic Muppets For Justice logo is uploaded to the blog.
  • Logo causes 217 Japanese children to go into spasm. Fearing lawsuit, the logo is changed to a static, blue format.
  • Logo causes 380 photo-sensitive children who are succeptable to the colour blue to go into spasm.
  • The staff at MFJ prove that jam is better than marmalade.
  • After a post praising the recent Rush Hour film, Jackie Chan teaches the MFJ writers everything he knows, including a traditional folk song, and how to Macarena correctly.
  • A recent court appearance has Fort declaring to the Media "That money was just resting in my account before I moved it on!"
  • After lengthy battle with incontinence, Addman's dog told to "Hit The Road!"
  • Backlash from readers after Muppets For Justice spoil the ending of the latest Harry Potter book (Harry grows up to be Gandalf).
  • After a recent outbreak of Foot And Mouth, cows are banned from reading the blog, lest the terrible disease finds a way to travel through monitors.
  • Cow community in uproar after Addman and Fort seen attending Anti-Bovine rally.
  • Publicist fired after describing MFJ as "A slightly more pleasant sensation than stapling your genitals to Joan Collins whilst gargling the blended remains of your childhood pets."
  • The MFJ Audiobook (Read by Mickey Rourke) is pulled before release due to CD covers featuring a profile shot of the writers. Ratings board declare that Mass Vomiting warnings must be placed 10 feet around anywhere selling the Audiobook.
  • Addman buys a bobbing bird to tap F5 repeatedly.
  • 1000 views on the horizon.
  • In order to rectify the hostilities between cow-kind and muppet-kind, Addman is quoted as saying "How can I hate cows? My mum's one!"
  • Mum community appeased after flowers arrived soon afterwards.
  • MFJ writers contract T Virus. Said to be feeling "Brrraaaaains".
  • List ends abruptly due to poor planning.
There, now don't you feel enlightened? Join me next time when I lift the lid on the recent MFJ beach photoshoot.

Thursday, 23 August 2007

Bioshock Anticipation: One More Day To Go


Gamespot Review: 9.0

UK Release Date: 24/08/07

Format: PC and 360

Bioshock is the latest game from the people who bought you System Shock 1 & 2. It's a FPS with an interesting spin on the genre.

Basically, after surviving a plane crash in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, you come across a lighthouse in the middle of nowhere. Upon entering the lighthouse, you find a submarine which takes you down into an underwater city named Rapture, a city where science has been allowed to run unchecked, and as such, has gone completely out of control.

In their little bubble city, they've invented Plasmids, which can give the user specific abilities and almost superhuman capabilities such as firing lightning bolts from your hands, bees coming out of your skin, and telekinesis, all of which you can use to destroy your enemies. The whole society embraced these genetic enhancements, but soon became addicted. Society collapsed, and now, junkies known as Splicers roam the city searching for genetic material from corpses. Of course, you can use these Plasmids yourself. See some Splicers in the water? Zap 'em with electricity and watch them fry. Trap in your way? Use your telekinesis to move it into the path of an oncoming enemy. Create halucinations near deadly land mines and watch the poor suckers walk straight into them.

The stars of the show are the enemies known as Big Daddies and Little Sisters. Little Sisters are little girls who harvest genetic material, and they are under the protection of their Big Daddies, giant, hulking bodyguards that will protect the girl at all costs in exchange for what she harvests. Attack a Little Sister, and you'll have one these guys to answer to. Taking one down is no small feat with conventional weaponry, so you'll most likely have to think of other ways to bring them down. Apparently, there are certain aspects of the game that are effected by your morale decisions in regards to Little Sisters, likely effecting your ending. Bludgeon the little girl to death to take her Plasmids, or free her, it's your call.

I've played through the demo and found it to be one of the most atmospheric games I've ever played. The retro, yet futuristic setting is commendable and gives the game a unique style that instantly appeals. Also, the general mutterings and psycho-babble heard from the increasingly crazy splicers is quite compelling. Such as the woman talking to what you think is a dead baby in a push chair, but turns out to be a revolver gives a sense of morality to the whole proceedings.

If the game is as great as the demo was, this could well be my favourite game ever! The initial reviews look promising, so fingers crossed! Only one more day. Needless to say, this bank holiday weekend is going to be a good one.

Wednesday, 15 August 2007

This Is A Circle

I had one of the most infuriating sales calls the other day. Usually, although I find these types of calls to be rather annoying, I can make light of the situation by simply acting weird or something. But there was something about this woman and the lack of information she'd give me that went far beyond the normal realms of acceptable. Either, she was the world's worst salesperson, or I was on the recieving end of some poorly concieved prank.

For context, I had just picked up the phone at my parent's house, who have been away on holiday for a while, so I wasn't actually lying in the transcript that follows. The conversation went something like this (written as best I can from memory):

Me: Hello?
Woman: ...*Crackles*...
Me: Hello?
Woman: Hello, is that Mr [Dad's name]?
Me: No, he's on holiday.
Woman: ...*Crackles*...
Me: The whole family are on holiday.
Woman: ...You are not Mr [Dad's name]?
Me: No, I just told you.
Woman: Could I ask who you are?
Me: I'm his son.
Woman: You are his son?
Me: ...Yes.
Woman: ...*Crackles*...
Me: ...
Woman: How old are you?
Me: 21, why?
Woman: And how much do you earn?
Me: None of your business, what is this?
Woman: ...*Crackles*...
Me: What is this call about?
Woman: Sir?
Me: Why are you ringing me?
Woman: ...This is a circle.
Me: A circle? What does that mean?!
Woman: ...
Me: What does a circle entail?
Woman: ...Mortgages?
Me: Mortgages? I don't even own this house! And you haven't even told me who you are.
Woman: ...*Crackles*...
Me: Fuck! *hangs up*

The crackling noises appeared to be some sort of background noise, and wasn't down to a poor telephone line. That basically means she was sat there in silence, which was probably the thing which riled me up about this call the most. She didn't say what company she was from, didn't even give me her name, and she just started to ask me personal questions despite the fact that I didn't own the house.

In retrospect, the circle line she spun me is actually pretty amusing because she was so obviously avoiding the question. I've since found out from talking to Lou's Dad that the call was actually illegal, something to do with selling mortagages over the phone and certain times of the day (he's a financial advisor, so I'll take his word for it), so she'd obviously been told not to give out the company name or her own.

By the end I just gave up and hung up on her. I thought telemarketers were supposed to be talkative, and some would say that speaking is a large part of their job. She really wasn't, and talking to her was like swimming through rusty nails.

Anyway, I must dash, as I have an appointment with my oven and copious amounts of gas. Tally bye!

Monday, 13 August 2007

Hidden Achievements!

It has recently come to my attention that games developers have been putting secret achievements into their XBOX 360 games, which have very exceptional parameters to meet. This means that many games actually have 1500 points associated with them, rather than the usual 1000 we have been used to. Here's a list of all the known ones:

Gears Of War

250 Points: Convince someone over XBOX Live that pretending to bum-rape any downed characters isn't funny.

100 Points: Collect the fireflower, and kill 20 wretches with it before meeting Bowser in the castle at the end.

100 Points: Find a public server where all the players are legally old enough to play the game.

50 Points: Refuse to leave your cell at the beginning of the game, preferring the cosy living conditions and free satellite TV given in prisons.

Viva Pinata

250 Points: Dig a deep moat around Seedos, along with a picket fence around him, then direct a Juicygoose to shit on him from above.

250 Points: Breed Leafos with the Hobo.

Call Of Duty 2

100 Points: Beat Hitler in the secret Pool Mini Game.

100 Points: Throw a grenade around the world and kill yourself.

100 Points: Lay down in front of a Nazi tank as a form of non-violent protest.

100 Points: After taking heavy damage, quickly write a meaningful war poem so that students 50 years from now will have to study it in the future.

100 Points: Come to the realisation that war is a fruitless endeavour, even while admiring the Normandy Beach landing sequence.


200 Points: Successfully get killed by a mudcrab.

100 Points: Using a Dark Elf character, attempt to distingish yourself from the background at night, without turning up the brightness.

100 Points: Lead an invasion fleet into Morrowind.

100 Points: Find the Great Gold Blade Of Grass Of Mass Destruction, which can be found somewhere in the fields between Anvil and Cheydinhal.

Vampire's Rain

500 Points: Prove that the game has one, single redeeming feature.

Tenchu Z

250 Points: Take a step without encountering a gameplay-crippling bug of some sorts.

150 Points: Remember the old Tenchu games? Didn't they seem much better?

100 Points: Find an active game on XBOX Live.

Wednesday, 8 August 2007

What The Critics Think Of Us


(5 stars based on 289 reviews)

Categories: Humour, Blogging, Food
Information: Random blog run by two weirdos on the Internet.

Displaying 1-10 of 289

(5 Stars)
Life Changing
By DavieB63

Two months ago, my loving wife of seven years ran away with a police dog named Geoffery, to start a new life Bermuda. After this crushing blow, our two year old daughter divorced me on the grounds that we didn't have enough sweets in the house. To make matters worse, my house fell down due the reverberations of the train lines nearby and subway system underneath.

Just when I thought my luck couldn't get any worse, I turned up to work, only to be told to clear my desk because I ate my boss's yoghurt from the fridge yesterday by mistake. It wasn't even nice or anything.

On my way out of the door, someone passed me a piece of paper to cheer me up. It was Addman's post about the Pangolin King. For the first time in weeks, I laughed. Instantly, I knew that I must promote this piece of art, and I now make a small living from selling Addman related merchandise. I'm getting my life back on track, thanks to Muppets For Justice!

(5 stars)

Astounding By hjmbjmy

I was on death row, and my last request was for ten minutes of Internet access to email my grieving wife. Sure enough, a pop up appeared asking me if I wanted to see something awesome. I can always find time for something awesome, so I clicked, and was redirected to Muppets For Justice. I must admit, the stylish writing and clever jokes from the contributors had me hooked instantly, and I quickly read through every post and memorised some of the hilarious lines, and went to the chair a very happy man.

When the guards asked me why I was smiling, I regailled them with the story of Fort and the whole Pianist Enlargement conversation, where they laughed so hard they accidentally knocked the equipment, which caused it to malfunction. Of course, several thousand blinding volts of electricity shot through me, but I wasn't exposed long enough to be killed, meaning that my execution has been pushed back two weeks. Thanks to MFJ, my life was saved, and now I get an extra fortnight to live in perpetual agony where I'm paralysed from the waist down, and the other inmates have to wipe my ass for me. I owe my life to them!

(5 Stars)
Orgasmic by yummymummy

Using Addman's helpful guide to dating, my current boyfriend managed to woo me with some of the incredible and sexy chat up lines he listed, and now, we have a sex swing in the yard! Thanks Addman!

(5 Stars)
Awesome by NotFort

Brilliant blog, I love it! However, we need more articles by Fort. Wooo! Go Fort! You're number one baby!

(5 Stars)
Great by xXxH4RDC0R3xXx

Dis fuckin' thing rox! Keep it tight, a'ight!

(5 Stars)
World Saving by NASAREP

Recently, a meteor named Parseus 987XB almost collided with the Earth. We sent a team of astronauts up to drill a hole into the core of it blow it up with a nuclear bomb before to hit Earth. Halfway through, the astronauts began running out of oxygen and things looked bleak. In order to keep their spirits up, we relayed extracts from Muppets For Justice to brighten up the experience for them.

Unfortunately, the guy setting the bomb laughed so hard he blew the whole thing up, crew and all, but that it only testimony to how hilarious this blog is! If it wasn't for Muppets For Justice, those astronauts could have died from lack of oxygen instead of a raging, vapourising inferno. Also, it saved the Earth from destruction, so I nominate the writers for Nobel prizes! Good going guys!

(5 Stars)
Unbelieveable by Addman's Mum

Well done honey, but please keep the language down dear.


(5 Stars)
Excellent by Mickey Rourke

Before I met the dynamic duo here, I was just living in my mansion, revelling in the revenue bought in by Sin City, but still feeling empty and shallow inside. Once I found them, I felt the shell that is me begin to fill up with passion and soul, and now not a day goes by when I don't think about them.

(1 Star)
Dire by Blogmaster07

These two are stealing the limelight from all of us other, hardworking bloggers. I hope they die in a tragic tractor incident! Also, bring back my puppy, you heartless bastards!

(5 Stars)
Brwilliant by FilmCrwitic

There's your Rweview, send the cheque through the post as soon as possible.