Saturday, 31 March 2012

A - Armageddon

What a wonderfully positive and upbeat topic to begin our A-Z month with, the topic of impending doom!  During my admittedly short lifetime (I’m 25), I lived through approximately 5 apocalypses.  I’m not sure what everyone’s worried about, they just seem to pass by like any other normal day if you ask me.  Still, the prospect of inevitable doom is intriguing to me.  The best movies, games and stories all involve a post-apocalyptic wonderland of some description.

This year sees another Armageddon looming over the horizon; the one that the Mayans predicted.  Or not predicted, as the case may be.  The theory that the end of the world is coming is mainly based on the fact that the Mayans didn’t produce any calendar dates past 21st December 2012.  Personally, I don’t think this is because they thought the world would cease to exist after this point, but more along the lines of them not being arsed to work out more dates.

People seem to struggle when figuring out what they’re going to do a few days in advance, let alone a few millennia.  Will Auntie Maggie really care if you forget her birthday several thousand years after you’ve both retired from life?  Probably, but it doesn’t seem like a pressing matter right now.


Like many people, I like to believe that I’m rather smart.  Or at least, not a great stonking idiot in the slapstick sense of slipping on my own drool.  However, I lack the long term cognitive thinking which is often crucial to human survival.  If I don’t pay my rent, I fail to fully realise that I will be evicted in the future.  In the short term however, it seems like I have more money to spend, which seems like a good thing until the bailiffs arrive.  This is how I imagine the Mayan civilisation to have behaved, which probably explains why they collapsed.  They failed to come up with a long term plan.

When it comes to doomsday, no one seems to have predicted this more often than Nostradamus.  There was a doomsday in 2000, there was a doomsday on 9/11, a random doomsday in 2003, and the list goes on.  Every other day is doomsday day!  It seems to me that Nostradamus should have been a cult leader.  If you can convince enough people that the world is going to end, you can also convince those people to hand over their wallets, the keys to their Porsche, and then convince them to conveniently drink a cup of poison punch. 

It reminds me of the recent case with the cult leader who sold his believers pet care plans for after the rapture, so that people could have their pets cared for after they’d ascended into heaven.  The most striking part is that the police only arrested him for fraud AFTER the aforementioned death day failed to materialise.

With all this pointing and laughing, it’s inevitable that there will be an end of times at some point, and someone will probably predict it.  Baby-faced brainbox Brian Cox has predicted that the sun will die within 5 Billion years and, whilst this catastrophe seems a long way off, I reckon we ought to do the opposite of what the Mayans did and start making our preparations now.  If anyone wants their dogs walking once they’ve been crushed in a freezing gravitational sink hole, I’ll do it for £20 a month.

Friday, 30 March 2012

A-Z Introduction

Hi Muppets fans!

As you may already be aware, I am competing in the A-Z Blogging Challenge this year.  If you're not aware of this, then you have the deduction powers of a rusty teaspoon, seeing as there is a giant picture slightly to the right side of your field of vision which says "I'm part of the A-Z Challenge".  But I'm not here to insult you and your crippling inepitude all day.

As a result, I'm going to be posting a lot more throughout April to fulfill the challenge.  I'll be posting every day except for Sundays, because Sundays don't count.  Sundays are for lolling around naked, letting your genitals dangle in a bowl of cheesey nachos as you waste the entire day doing a fat load of piss all.

On all other days though, expect to see posts galore as I work my way through the alphabet; a new letter and topic for every day.  I was trying to think of a theme for the challenge to make it, well, more challenging.  However, most themes I came up with such as "brands of washing powder" or "best insults that have been shouted at me by formerly close relatives which lead to my eventual nervous breakdown" were too narrow in scope and couldn't cover the full alphabetic spectrum.  Instead, I just wrote a list of topics for each letter, and a theme started to emerge of it's own accord.

Now I know my A-B-C's.  This challenge is proving to be quite a useful reminder.

The theme shall be; Me!  That's right, me!  It's not self indulgance; it's a psychological rollercoaster into my interests and personality.

I try not put a lot of myself into my writing.  This is a concious effort as I don't want mundane details of my life pouring onto this Blog, turning it into a diary about me getting angry on the commute to work.  Inversely, I've noticed that I know a lot more about the people who read my Blog than they probably know about me.  So consider this an education, a getting to know you exercise in which you can share in my hobbies, passions, or just themes and concepts which I find interesting. 

The only reason I've not done this before is to stop me revealing my own sexual deviances, such as how I love to place my member between the strings of a harp and strum my way to ecstasy.  Or at least, I would if I had a harp, or infact any stringed instruments.  Instead, I just let my pubes grow long and weave them into a rudimentary instrument.  I've singlehandedly transformed the world of busking forever!  And now I've said too much, so I'll leave you with a plea to read my stuff over the next month, and I'll see you on the other side.

Love and sausages,


P.S. If you feel inclined to do so, feel free to follow Muppets For Justice on Facebook.  Click on the big blue F to the top right, or follow this link if you don't fancy scrolling all the way back up:

Friday, 23 March 2012

The Budgiet

Good afternoon.  You join us today as Chancellor "Prettyboy" Toskin is about to take to the perch and deliver his budgiet for 2012.  He is expected to take dramatic steps with austerity measures as a result of the recent Millet Crunch.  We hand over to the Chancellor now:

'My cabinet and I have put together a growth plan which will benefit the Beakonomy,without being unfair to the general public, and those on lower seed ratios.

The Chancellor, taking to the perch earlier

Fuel duty is to rise by 500%, with immediate effect.  This is to encourage citizens to fly to work rather than drive, and will ease the strain of the oil shortage.  Congestion will decrease as a result, and public health will be at an all time high.  Sky high, in fact.

There will be a freeze on Millet rises for public sector workers coming into effect at the end of the year.  I understand that times are hard and we all have chicks to feed, but the time has come for you to stand on your own perches for a change.

The budgiet for elderly services is to be cut by 50%.  Any citizen over the age of 10 will receive a modest state pension, but will have been expected to top this up with a private Trill fund.

Trill:  Get your own!

Expectant mothers will have Egg Leave cut to two weeks rather than three.  The government believes that this will encourage chicks to fly the nest earlier and get parents back to work quicker.

A new tax is to be introduced which will effect all the high flyers who have stockpiled resources for the coming winter.  The "High Flyer" tax will affect those who earn more than 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 grains of seed in a single day.  This wealth will be distributed back to those in society who really need it, such as peck victims, and those with scaly face.

The government will invest in cage insulation by researching sand sheet technology, and offering extra help for cageowners who still have newspaper flooring.  At night times, we will encourage our citizens to cover their cages with a sheet, to protect against cold.

That's all for now.  If you have any concerns over the Budgiet, feel free to Chirp my private secretary with the hash tag #IDontGiveAFlap.  I assure you that these measures are for the security of our beakonomy, and to keep our citizens with fresh sand sheets in their homes.


On another note, I've won awards again!  Well, it's the same award, but given to me by two different people.  As part of the award, I must link back to the people who gave it to me , so thanks to Shay and Flip for giving it to me.

I also need to link to 10 other Bloggers who I feel deserve the award.  I'll try and nominate some people who I haven't given awards to before, but there may be a few returning people:

The Slightly Eccentric Diary Of Rob Z Tobor - I wish I had more to say about this Blog, but he pretty much sums it up in the title.  Brilliantly surreal, even if his mum thinks he's an IDIOT.

Ash-Matic Does Things - A fast rising Blog, and deservedly so because he's fantastically hilarious.  Ash has a great knack for taking the small things in life and making them seem comically daft.

Buttons Are Not Currency - Great writer who is both eloquent and amusing in a way I wish I could be.  I've not been a follower for long, but I feel compelled to offer an award.

Elton Says Things - Elton says lots of amusing things, most of which are swear words.  He is the go-to guy for angry stuff, but he is versatile in the range of topic he covers.

I'd Like Cheese On My Entire Family - The title of this Blog may imply that her family are made of nachos, but JRose deserves an award for her amusing drawings and great posting style.

MayorGia - Queen of various talking animals, MayorGia is a fun, light-hearted Blog about animals, but takes a sinister side when she beats her boyfriend until he posts.

The Incoherent Ramblings Of A Moose - If you enjoy infanticide, this Blog is for you!  Actually, that makes it sound bad, whereas this Blog is brilliant in every sense.

Stuff My Daughter Says - I'm not sure whether I should award this to Kevin Routh, or his daughter who provides the imagination and inspiration for this Blog.

Chiz Chat - Another fast-rising star of the Blogging world.  I don't know how he posts so often, but he manages in a day or two the kind of writing that takes me a week.

Drone - Awesome Blogger, but seems to be on hiatus at the moment.

At the moment I am preparing for the Blogging A-Z challenge which starts on March 31st.  As a result, I won't be posting any new material until this time.  I understand that this is a traumatic time for you all, but rest assured that April will be full of wonder, magic and ...wonder.

Monday, 19 March 2012

Aptitude Test

Thank you for applying for the position of Operational Operations Operative. In order to complete your application, you are required to fill in an aptitude test, as below, to the best of your abilities. By completing this form, you hereby give us the relevant rights to use this as a psychological profile by which we can determine your suitability for the role against other candidates. You also give us the right to draw a “brain map” of your mental attributes, and sell this information to marketing companies, medical research, and government outlets. You do not hold any statutory rights to this information.

1) It’s deadline day, and your boss comes down to your office to find out why you haven’t submitted a report on time. Do you:

A) Inform him of the additional pressures of your job, make some useful suggestions as to how to avoid this in the future, and assure your boss that the work will be completed as soon as possible.
B) Apologise and offer to stay overtime to finish the report.
C) Tie your boss to the desk with his own belt, and then proceed to violate him with a stapler in front of your horrified co workers.

2) One of your colleagues tells a raunchy joke which could easily be classed as sexist. Do you:

A) Inform HR of the incident as soon as possible, recommending that the employee be fired for sexual discrimination.
B) Ignore the situation and make a mental note not to repeat such a filthy joke in the workplace.
C) Explain to everyone that the joke was so great, it has made you sexually aroused. Prove this using visual means if necessary.

3) A package arrives at the building that no one has ordered. Do you:

A) Set off the fire alarm and get everyone to evacuate. It could be a bomb, or dangerous material.
B) Ring the postal company and tell them that they’ve made a mistake.
C) Shout “BOMB!”, and then kick the package towards the most sensitive person in the office, exposing the package full of multicoloured vibrators you had sent to yourself earlier.

4) While on the phone, a potential client is being rather rude and abrasive. Do you:

A) Persevere with the call, as a lost client could cost the company money.
B) Inform the client that you will have to escalate this to a supervisor if their manner doesn’t change.
C) Invite the client to a midnight knife fight, then stand on the desk and urinate on the receiver.

5) You are running late for work. Do you:

A) Call the office and inform them, and offer to make up the lost time over lunch or at the end of the day.
B) Don’t call. Hopefully no one will notice.
C) Call the office to tell them that you’ll be in once you’ve finished your illegal alleyway poker tournament, placing bets using the company credit card.

6) Your boss comes to your cubicle and asks you if you can work overtime this weekend. You planned to take your children to the lightbulb museum on Saturday. Do you:

A) Say yes. When a boss asks you to jump, you say “how high?”.
B) Decline, but explain your prior commitment and point out that you’d like to be considered for any future overtime.
C) Kidnap your boss and take him to the lightbulb museum instead.  Offer to stress test the bulbs by inserting them into your boss, and running an electric current through him.

7) You notice that one of your colleagues, Bob, tends to take an extra 10-15 minutes for lunch every day and never works it back. Do you:

A) Grass him up. The company is losing money at this part-timer’s expense.
B) Turn a blind eye in the hopes that he’ll cover for you when you need some slack.
C) Tear his face off and wear it when walking past reception, taking extra breaks when you want and fooling your whole office into thinking you're Bob.  Then, attempt to sleep with his wife.

8) Your company introduces a charge for car parking, and begins to take the charge out of your salary automatically. Do you:

A) Keep silent and accept it. The company needs to pay for the upkeep of the car park after all.
B) Consider car sharing or participate in the firm’s Cycle To Work scheme.
C) See how much they’ll charge when you try to land your apache helicopter.

9) You get nominated for employee of the month, and get a bonus of £50 in your next pay packet. Do you:

A) Send an email thanking your colleagues, and use the extra money to buy celebratory cakes.
B) Feel satisfied that you’ve achieved something.
C) Give the boss back those photographs you’ve been holding to ransom, as agreed.

10) Your co-workers decide to hold their Christmas party at a restaurant which you don’t like. Do you:

A) Disregard it and still go. Perhaps they’ll go somewhere you prefer next year.
B) Decline to come, but make a mental note to be the first to suggest a venue next year.
C) Hold your own Christmas party in the office while everyone is out. Hire a whole platoon of prostitutes, and leave a “festive excretion” shaped like Santa or Rudolph on everyone’s desk.

If you answered mostly C’s, congratulations! You have been successful in your application to Depraved Bastards Inc. You start on Monday, or you know, whenever’s best for you.

Friday, 16 March 2012

Never Be Boney

To the tune of The Feeling - Never Be Lonely:

People with food get fat and foolish

People with food get their diets wrong
People with food get scared of salad
People with food get everything wrong

At least they’re not boney
At least they’re not boney
They’ll never be boney

B-B-B-Baby I th-th-think my pie needs more gravy
It just doesn’t taste the same without you

They tell me to bake it
But I just do not know how to make it
It won’t taste the same without you

People with food need hospital treatment
People with food their diets are wrong
People with food their hearts take a beating
People with food get everything wrong

At least they’re not boney
At least they’re not boney
They’ll never be boney

B-B-B-Baby I th-th-think my pie needs more gravy
It just doesn’t taste the same without you

I guess I could buy it
But I couldn’t bring myself to bite it
It won’t taste the same without you

Never be boney x 100


Anyway, now that I've got that out of my system, I'm thinking of getting this place in shape ready for the A-Z challenge.  The layout looks a bit drab and generic these days, and I reckon it could do with a bit of a spruce.  Bearing in mind that there are amoeba on Saturn with more artistic talent than me, can anyone give me some tips as to what would make this place look better?  I'd like to get a better banner which incorporates the cookiemonster image, but the Muppets For Justice slogan could do with looking better.  All tips and suggestions welcome.

Also, despite declaring how Facebook makes my blood boil like a Piers Morgan sex tape, I'm thinking about how social media might be useful in spreading the word.  In other words, is it a good idea to create a Muppets For Justice Facebook page?

Thanks in advance.

Monday, 12 March 2012

The Power Of Choice

As empowered, modern, metrosexual, humanoid things, we live in a world filled with possibilities and choice. At this point in time, everywhere you go, you are confronted with more choices than ever before in the history of civilisation. Isn’t that an exciting prospect?

Well, it should be, but something about this whole concept feels artificial and needlessly confusing. Even buying a chocolate bar can be a daunting task as your brain tries to process the sheer amount of chocolate available for purchase. Different brands and colours swirl around your pupils, creating a confectionary vortex into which you cannot escape. That’s not to mention all the spin offs and “limited edition” versions which you’re sure you’ve seen before years ago, but surely can’t have as they’re only available for a limited time. It says so on the wrapper. Just give me something chocolatey!

I started thinking about this after a routine visit to a cashpoint to withdraw some money. I popped in my card, expecting to be prompted for my PIN number, but instead I was confronted by an eerie, alien screen. Apparently, my card’s chip has “multiple functionality” and I can choose to use features from either Link or Visa Electron. Confused, I prodded at the Visa Electron button, hoping that I’d made the right choice. Then, I was asked if I was sure that I wanted to continue with my selection. I wasn’t even sure what pants I wanted to wear this morning, so how can I be sure that I’m making the correct decision when I have an ATM second guessing me?! In the end, I was escorted violently from the premises for trying to sexually assault the machine, screaming “I’ll give you a withdrawal!”

This aspect of choice permeates nearly every aspect of our lives, from watching TV to ringing customer support. TV channels offer interactive services, meaning that I can watch a snooker match from a slightly different camera angle (although, never up Steve Davis's arsehole and through his exact line of sight, down the cue, which is what viewers really want). Customer support lines offer six areas of support “to handle your call more efficiently”, then another six layers of complexity under that, effectively giving you 36 different areas of help.

The problem with this is that we’re getting spoiled. Because we’re used to television shows where we have the power to vote off people we don’t want to watch any more (albeit, at the cost of a premium rate number), and several hundred different sizes and combinations of coffee, we expect to have a full range of services at our fingertips at all times. We always think that we’re right because we’re always told that the customer is always right, even when we’re demanding free soft drinks and oral sex every time we’re put on hold in a call centre.

Companies can dress it up as “empowering our customers” and “giving our consumers power”, but ultimately, it’s an extra level of complication to try and stop us from actually complaining.

I always used to think that progress would free us from this type of micromanagement and small-scale decision making in our lives. True advancement would involve simplified processes which allow us to get on with the important things in our lives, like making prank calls, or worrying about that lump on your testicles but being too scared to get it examined in case it turns out to be a freaky third testicle, and the doctors cutting you up for medical science.  Genuine concerns such as these get pushed to the back of our priorities list when the machines are forcing to install updates on the hour, every hour, at their malevolent whim.  Those soul-forsaken circuitboards must get some sort of sadistic glee out of making humans install and reinstall updates constantly, all day long, like digital worker bees.  It's the first step towards enslavement.

We need to get our priorities right and not be beholden to this type of distracting nonsense. I’m going to start a protest about it. However, I’m not sure what form the protest should take, so I’m allowing you to create your own protest from the following options:

1) How would you like to join my protest?

A) Facebook
B) Twitter
C) Online Petition
D) Semaphore

2) Would you like the protest to be:

A) Violent
B) Peaceful
C) Loud
D) Sexual

3) What time would suit you?

A) Morning
B) Afternoon
C) Evening
D) The year 1852

Thanks for voting, but unfortunately the voting form has crashed.  Please install the latest updates.

Friday, 9 March 2012

Brain Shits – Vol.3

Please enjoy another Brain Shit.  For those who haven't read one before, please see Volume 1 + Volume 2 for an idea as to what it's all about.

I remember a song about tiger feet that went “That’s neat, that’s neat, that’s neat, that’s neat, I really love your tiger feet”. I often wonder what it was about. I suspect it’s a protest song against Chinese herbal remedies.

Now I know a lot of people say “I’m not a racist, but...”, and then they say “I know a lot of people say ‘I’m not a racist, but...’”, but why do Chinese people eat such weird food? There was a zoo in China that had too many hippos, so they ate them. The cafe served hippo toes on toast, along with any other animals that they had a surplus of. Rather than eat them, wouldn’t it be better to put them back in the wild and let other animals eat them instead? At least give them a fighting chance.

There’s a farm shop near me that serves ostrich burgers and crocodile steaks. I’ve often wanted to try some, but I’m scared that Greenpeace will get me. Those pacifists would tear me apart like a cream cracker. Oh god, now I’m imagining having crocodile meat on crackers! Animal rights campaigners will be camping outside my door now.

It strikes me that there aren’t many animals involved in animal rights protests. You’d think that dogs would march against being made to smoke. Why do you never see any vultures flying for their rights? Perhaps it’s because they can’t make any banners, or can’t come up with a catchy slogan. Or maybe they don’t care that much about their own rights. A person going to animal rights protests is like a man going to feminism rallies.
Well, you only have yourself to blame.

Are rally drivers people who drive other people to protests? I bet Colin McRae was one hell of a chauffeur, especially with all the off roading he liked to do. I don’t think he could drive a car on tarmac very well, that’s why he was always sliding around in mud. He’s probably as good at driving on roads as he is at flying helicopters. I wonder why they stopped making sequels to his video games?

On another note, just how short do shorts have to be before they become short shorts? Is there a line between short shorts and hot pants? I tried to ask our local fashion guru, Wilfred Bobbins about it. He said he’d model some for me so I could tell the difference. In his basement, he tried on various outfits but I was still confused. I was a little put off that he didn’t go behind a screen to change, and that he was playing smooth jazz on the stereo. He told me the music was by Charles Cunnilingus, and asked me if I liked Cunnlingus. I said I was unfamiliar with his work. I said I needed to go home as my Adam’s Apple was starting to hurt, at which point he became angry. He said I fooled him into thinking that I was a girl. I told him I didn’t mean to mislead him, but Tuesday is my dress and wig wearing day, just as Wednesday is pork chop day, Thursday is pizza day, and Friday is my police baiting day. He said he’d see me on Friday.

I tried baiting the police once. I put a lost wallet on a fishing line and dangled it outside the police station. Whenever a policeman came to pick it up, I wound it in a bit and had them chase it across the floor. The problem was, once I’d wound the line all the way in, they inevitably caught me. I was told that if I didn’t pay a fine I’d get a criminal record. I told them I’d take a Fleetwood Mac record, as it’s criminal that they haven’t released anything for ages. They gave me a Coldplay record instead. That taught me not to do it again!

Oh and, just so you don't think I'm mad, here's a news article about Beijing Zoo eating their animals.  

Monday, 5 March 2012

A Stranger's Intuition

The night was as cold as hell. Well, not literally, as hell has a tendency to be rather warm, but it was bleakly bitter and the scene has now been set, nonetheless.

I was on my way to the car after a late evening of stealing office supplies, and then rearranging the stationery cupboard to disguise the fact that anything had been taken. It’s tiring work, waiting until everyone else has gone home and then taking enough staples to secure a bear to cliff face with. I couldn’t wait to get home and put these ill gotten wares on eBay. Taking photographs of each individual staple to ensure integrity, and then listing each one as a separate item would be hard work, so much so that I was thinking of taking the rest of the week off sick just to get it all done.

Fumbling for my keys in my pocket, I scouted around the car park for my vehicle. The place was completely full this morning. Now there was only my car and another vehicle with its headlights on. In fact, I noticed that the other car was slowly coming towards me. A blue Mitsubishi Colt was heading through the gloom, straight toward me.

Feeling a little exposed, I moved to the side and pushed my iPod headphones further into my ears, trying to drown out the approaching engine sound with the soothing tones of N Dubz. I turned away, slouched further into my coat in an attempt to make myself invisible, and marched onwards, despite being blatantly aware that this ominous vehicle was pulling up alongside me.

What kind of person approaches a stranger in a secluded car park, late at night? There’s only one kind of person who’d do that, a madman. Probably the kind of madman who thought that a Mitsubishi Colt would make an ideal mobile corpse container. In the show room, it probably looked perfect for transporting his victim’s bodies around, but on reflection, it just doesn’t have enough space in the boot. Not without the use of a woodchipper, anyway. Maybe the salesman threw a free one in, just to sweeten the deal. I’m so screwed!

After walking for what seemed like 700 years, it became impossible to plausibly pretend not to have seen this man, especially as he had now wound his window down and was leaning out at me. If he was a stabby murderer as I suspected, this would only make him angrier. Murderers don’t like to be ignored. I took the headphones out of my ears and turned to face my inevitable doom.

“I have the money.” Exclaimed the car man.

Perhaps I’d got him figured all wrong. Perhaps he was just a lonely millionaire who needed to brag about his wealth to a random stranger.

“That’s nice.” I said, searching for an appropriate response.

“Here’s half now, half later, as agreed.” He replied, extending an arm and dropping a rather expensive suitcase on the floor. Without further invitation, I scooped up the case and tried the lock, which opened straight away. My maths has never been excellent, but I estimated that was approximately eleventy-billion pounds in there.

“Fifty now, fifty after you’ve let her go.” I recounted the money again, but I was sure there was a lot more than £50 in there. Perhaps this man was worse at maths than me.

“Let who go?” I enquired as I shut the case with an authoritative slam.

“The girl”

It took a few seconds to process, but I eventually understood what he meant. You see, Whitney Housten had recently died, and since then, I’d been listening to her albums nonstop in a desperate bid to have her back in my life. Her tragic end had left a gaping void in my life, one which could not be filled with breakfast burritos or stealing from work. However, this money will help to heal that wound and help me to move on. This stranger must have known of my pain, and decided that only the means with which to purchase a luxury Tuscan villa would help me get my life back on track. His charity is greatly appreciated.

“You’ll let her go tonight, as agreed?”

“Well, it’s all a bit sudden” I responded, still staggered by the man’s intuition and charity “But I’ll do my best.”

“You’d better, you bastard! You don’t want the cops involved, do you?”

Already taken aback, I was taken further aback by his change in tone. Then, I realised this was simply an act of tough love. He was purposefully insulting me so that I wouldn’t feel obliged to give back the money. What a dear, sweet, caring man.

“Don’t worry. I won’t go back on our arrangement” I reassured the man, and with that, he sped off into the night. Bewildered, I climbed into my own vehicle and spent the whole drive home wondering what I was going to do with the money.

This morning I called the office and told them I was leaving the organisation. I don't need their paper clips any more, I'm a man of wealth!  Right now I am packing my suitcase for a round the world cruise, which I expect to be on for the next six months. I can’t believe my run of good luck! Especially so, as a woman’s body was discovered in a car park last night, which was only round the corner from where I work! That could have been me! It's certainly a sobering thought when you are so close to where someone was killed, and really puts your own good fortune in perspective.  Still, you can’t let these things get you down, especially when you have an all inclusive trip to look forward to. I’ll see you all in the Autumn!

Friday, 2 March 2012

The Great British Euphemism

As Muppets For Justice increases in popularity (my budgie glanced at my monitor whilst I was reading my Blog the other day, bringing the total readership up to 2), it has occurred to me that I need to make an effort to communicate more effectively with people from other countries.

I came to this realisation after noticing that most of my readership is American, according to stats.  As a bowler-hatted, eel-sucking Brit, I suspect that during a particularly ambulatory diatribe, I may sometimes bewilder my American cousins (howdy, by the way) when I start talking about queues, or how lovely Dagenham is at this time of year.  In the efforts of cultural exchange, I thought I’d share with you some of Britain’s most treasured possessions, its euphemisms.

Even our squirrels are dapper

You see, we British are rather uncomfortable when it comes to talking about sex.  So much so, that we’ll invent all sorts of convoluted alternatives to avoid tackling the subject head on.  Sometimes, a bit of “oo-er, how’s your father?” sounds a little more polite than “rutting in a bush, squealing like a sweaty donkey trapped in a rusty door”.  Instead, each British person is required, by law, to come up with their own euphemisms to describe any sort of sexual activity.  I hope you’ll indulge me in allowing my share a collection of my own euphemisms.  All of these describe the deplorable act of masturbation and have been separated into the categories of Male and Female.  And before you ask, no, this isn’t just an excuse for me to post up some unfunny wank jokes, this is culture!  Now sit down and read your self serving euphemisms:


  • Shaking sticky, white coconuts from the love palmtree
  • Signalling to exit Arousal Junction
  • Being entertained by Lady Palm, and her five lovely sisters
  • Working 9 til 9:02
  • Performing an exhilarating solo, without an audience
  • Drilling for albino oil
  • Plunging a sink full of tadpoles
  • Reaching the summit of Glossy Mountain
  • Trying to start a pubic fire
  • Unblocking the pipework in the glue factory


  • Inspecting the floodgates
  • Performing the Two-Fingered Heart Exploding Technique
  • Steadying the washing machine
  • Being in thrall to Captain Index and his dashing middle brother
  • Schlicking
  • Strumming for peace
  • Clanging the ovaries
  • Attempting to cordon off an oil slick
  • Smuggling your own fist through customs
  • Trying to retrieve lost pennies
  • Reading a classic novel in vaginal braille

Lovely, a bit of Great British culture there for you.  The next time you feel the urge, simply say one of these to your work colleagues.  They’ll understand, give you a cheeky wink, and allow you to do your dirty business in a corner of the office.  Just make sure the cleaners don’t catch you, otherwise you’ll have to listen to them drone on about "persistent stains".  Toodle pip!