The Great British Euphemism

As Muppets For Justice increases in popularity (my budgie glanced at my monitor whilst I was reading my Blog the other day, bringing the total readership up to 2), it has occurred to me that I need to make an effort to communicate more effectively with people from other countries.

I came to this realisation after noticing that most of my readership is American, according to stats.  As a bowler-hatted, eel-sucking Brit, I suspect that during a particularly ambulatory diatribe, I may sometimes bewilder my American cousins (howdy, by the way) when I start talking about queues, or how lovely Dagenham is at this time of year.  In the efforts of cultural exchange, I thought I’d share with you some of Britain’s most treasured possessions, its euphemisms.

Even our squirrels are dapper

You see, we British are rather uncomfortable when it comes to talking about sex.  So much so, that we’ll invent all sorts of convoluted alternatives to avoid tackling the subject head on.  Sometimes, a bit of “oo-er, how’s your father?” sounds a little more polite than “rutting in a bush, squealing like a sweaty donkey trapped in a rusty door”.  Instead, each British person is required, by law, to come up with their own euphemisms to describe any sort of sexual activity.  I hope you’ll indulge me in allowing my share a collection of my own euphemisms.  All of these describe the deplorable act of masturbation and have been separated into the categories of Male and Female.  And before you ask, no, this isn’t just an excuse for me to post up some unfunny wank jokes, this is culture!  Now sit down and read your self serving euphemisms:

Male:

• Shaking sticky, white coconuts from the love palmtree

• Signalling to exit Arousal Junction

• Being entertained by Lady Palm, and her five lovely sisters

• Working 9 til 9:02

• Performing an exhilarating solo, without an audience

• Drilling for albino oil

• Plunging a sink full of tadpoles

• Reaching the summit of Glossy Mountain

• Trying to start a pubic fire

• Unblocking the pipework in the glue factory

Female:

• Inspecting the floodgates

• Performing the Two-Fingered Heart Exploding Technique

• Steadying the washing machine

• Being in thrall to Captain Index and his dashing middle brother

• Schlicking

• Strumming for peace

• Clanging the ovaries

• Attempting to cordon off an oil slick

• Smuggling your own fist through customs

• Trying to retrieve lost pennies

• Reading a classic novel in vaginal braille

Lovely, a bit of Great British culture there for you.  The next time you feel the urge, simply say one of these to your work colleagues.  They’ll understand, give you a cheeky wink, and allow you to do your dirty business in a corner of the office.  Just make sure the cleaners don’t catch you, otherwise you’ll have to listen to them drone on about "persistent stains".  Toodle pip!