Friday, 31 January 2014

The Secrets Of My Success

Now that I can officially call myself a published author, my life has been irrevocably altered in a variety of different ways. On a daily basis I am assaulted by the general populace, mainly people from various houses of worship, who condemn me to a life of eternal damnation.  They tried to organise a book burning, but, not fully understanding how eBooks and the Internet work, they ended up starting fires in the Amazon rainforest. So you’ll be pleased to hear that while a vast swathe of Latin America is engulfed in flame, the Muppets For Justice eBook remains intact and available:

Click here to purchase - UK Version

Click here to purchase - US Version

Anyway, enough with the narcissism.  With the heat finally dying down, I thought it would be a good time to reflect candidly on the recent Blog Tour that I have recently embarked upon.  The tour has finally come to a close, and all in all, I’d say it’s been a fun experience that is definitely worth the effort, should anyone be thinking of trying it for themselves.

A few people asked me to give a rundown of the process of getting your book published.  The procedure is remarkably easy.  Amazon’s self-publishing service is called Kindle Direct Publishing (or KDP).  You simply upload your completed book to their service, either as a PDF, or you can use their in-built formatting system.  I would recommend copying your work into Amazon’s formatting system.  I didn’t do this and instead submitted it as a PDF, which meant that, as part of Amazon’s checking process, they went through and removed all the formatting I had put in place.  All my page breaks were condensed down, meaning that some of the articles seem to run into each other a little.  I’m sure people can tell when a new article has begun (the bold, underlined titles give it away).  So be sure to use their formatting system.

This also brings me onto another point; the review process is worth considering before you launch your book.  Basically, Amazon need to review your book before publishing it to make sure that you own the copyrights and that you aren’t slagging off their ruthless omnipotence.  This means that you should consider uploading you book for review at least 2 days before your intended launch date.

Pricing is also something important to consider.  I wanted the book to be as cheap as possible since some of the content is already available in the public domain.  However, if your book is too cheap, Amazon will take the lion’s share of the royalties.  If your book is less than $3, Amazon will only give you 35% royalties, whereas if it costs $3 or more you get 70%.  I figured that my sales figures wouldn’t fetch much of a return at 35%, so I made it as cheap as I could to obtain 70%.  In Britain, the book is a fairly respectable £1.86 which doesn’t sound so bad to me.  I only hope that $3 seems like a good deal to Americans.

So, what about the Blog tour itself?  Well, I’ve sold a few books and I believe that the Blog tour was instrumental in driving those early sales.  I certainly haven’t earned enough through royalties to retire, but I haven’t been underwhelmed either.  I only really expected to sell around 10-15 copies based on counting the number of people who said they would buy it, so considering that I’ve managed to pass that number by some margin, I’m very pleased.

I’ve enjoyed working with the writers of some of my favourite Blogs, and the general support from this corner of cyberspace has been tremendous.  I’d like to thank everyone who has hosted me on their Blog, everyone who has shared it on various social networks, and those who have left reviews.  I would especially like to thank those went out and bought it, and I hope that you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read. 

I would also encourage you to try it for yourselves.  While my writing can often seem brash, I am actually a very shy person.  I don’t like to put too much of myself into my writing, and even publishing non-serious comedy articles on this very Blog can sometimes be a terrifying experience.  I am very self-conscious about my writing, as I’m sure just about everyone is, so you’d think that releasing a book would be the scarier than watching Mickey Rourke fart out a ghost.  However, it’s something I’ve always wanted to do and people have been very kind to me, so thank you. 

Normal funnies shall resume next week.  Until then, you can check out the whole Blog tour below:

Rob Z Tobor - Interview

Bumferry Hogart - Video Interview

The Suddenly Kate Show - Interview

The Rambling Person - Guest Post

Chiz Chat - Interview

Pickleope - Perceptions Of Britain

Point Counter-Point Point Point - Interview

Monday, 27 January 2014

Chinese Proverbs

History is a wonderful topic.  Learning about how your culture evolved over time, the historic events that created and destroyed empires, and about the famous people who shaped the course of human development is interesting.  But should we hold up the writings of our ancestors as immortal, incorruptible words of wisdom?

Progress moves on unabated.  You only need to go back a few hundred years to find people who thought the Earth was flat (in fact, just search the Flat Earth Society and you’ll find those people are still around), which we now realise is completely and utterly fucking stupid.  What a bunch of idiots! So why do we hold the words of a 2000 year old tome up as the default guide for moral living, which was written when slavery, rape, and poverty were rife?  In a similar fashion, why the hell do people still pay attention to Chinese proverbs?

When you break open a fortune cookie and unravel the little piece of paper, expecting to receive the life-altering advice that you’ve waited 27 years for, and instead you get “A book is like a garden carried in the pocket”, you’ve every right to sue the cookie company for gross negligence.  If you sit down and analyse any proverb seriously, you’ll realise just how blatantly moronic it really is.  I have some examples that I would like to share, complete with a full-spectrum analysis:

Proverb:  A bird does not sing because it has answers, a bird sings because it has a song.

Actually, they’re singing for mating rights and territory.  While bird song may sound melodious to us, in sparrowspeak they’re actually cracking wise about each other’s fat mommas, or methodically describing how they will kill, skin and cannibalise any babies that are not genetically related.  I imagine that Dr Dolittle was slowly driven insane from listening to the degrading filth that is spewed when two mallards start bumping uglies.

Proverb:  A book holds a house of gold.

Is that so?  Because I just got off the phone with the Royal Institute of British Architects and they told me that books, even architecture books, are not a suitable substitute for building materials.  Books get soggy in wet weather, which can make buildings structurally unsafe, especially ones made of gold.

Proverb:  A filthy mouth will not utter decent language.

This is all subjective.  I find that swear words can be arranged in an aurally pleasing, almost poetic manner.  For example, take the phrase “Twat turbine” or “Cock-Loaded Cum Gumbo”.  While not exactly Shakespeare, these examples that I just made up certainly beat reading a Dan Brown novel in terms of poise and structure.

Proverb:  Do not employ handsome servants

Now this one I can get on board with if those servants are also serving your significant other, especially if your SO has a history of playing away with handsome servants.  However, not employing someone based solely on their looks is tantamount to discrimination, and there’s no tribunal in the Western world that wouldn’t sue your arse off.  Also, who doesn’t like being waited on by attractive members of the opposite sex?  I tried to build my entire lifestyle around that premise, until all my servants decided that they wanted to be paid.

Proverb:  Don’t open a shop unless you like to smile

This doesn’t really apply if you open an e-shop.

Proverb:  He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who doesn’t ask is a fool for a lifetime

Not since the advent of Wikipedia.

Proverb:  If you bow at all, bow low.

That is fantastic advice for people with back conditions.  What about people with a poor centre of balance?  Bowing low would cause those people to fall forwards and crack their skulls.  The ancient Chinese were obviously not very tolerant of any kind of disability.  Besides, this proverb seems to suggest that there is no option for a little bow.  You could not bow and be incredibly rude, or bow so low you are effectively offering yourself as a footstool.  According to the Chinese, there’s no middle ground that can be given.  They don’t have a word for “cheers mate”.

So there you have it, conclusive proof that ancient history was full of absent-minded simpletons.  It’s rather amazing that we’ve made it this far as a species.

Friday, 24 January 2014


Waitress:  Hi, can I get you a drink?

Customer:  Yes please.  What have you got that’s warm?

Waitress:  Well we have tea, coffee, or a hideous combination of the two that I like to call “Toffee”.

Customer:  Erm, I’ll just have some tea please.

Waitress:  Sure, no problem.  Do you want anything to eat?

Customer:  Okay, what specials have you got?

Waitress:  Well we have bacon, eggs, or a hideous combination of the two that I like to call “Beggs”.

Customer:  Ummm…

Waitress:   We also have toast, pancakes, or a hideous combination of the two that I like to call “Tancakes”.

Customer:  Pancakes will be fine thanks.

Waitress:  Sure, coming right up!

*waitress walks away and takes the order to the kitchen.  A few minutes later, she returns and approaches the table*

Waitress: I’m terribly sorry, but we’ve run out of tea and coffee.  I’ll just make you a nice cup of hideous Toffee instead.

Customer:  Umm okay.

Waitress:  Oh, and we’ve also run out of pancakes.  I’ll fix you some lovely disgusting Tancakes, free of charge.

Customer:  Do they have to be disgusting?

Waitress:  Well, we could combine the Toffee and Tancakes for you.  It's untested, but it might come out alright.

Customer:  And make “Toffcakes”?

Waitress:  Exactly!

Customer:  Can I order something else?

Waitress:  Sorry, too late, I’ve already put your order through.

Customer:  Don’t worry, I’ll go somewhere else.

Waitress:  NO!  Sit down and eat your Toffcakes!

Customer:  But I don’t wanna!

Waitress:  If you don’t eat your Toffcakes, you won’t get any dessert!

Customer:  …and what kind of dessert is that?  Dare I even ask?

Waitress:  It’s a hideous combination of limes and ice cream that I like to call “Lice Cream”.

Customer:  Urgh!  No way!  I’m outta here!

*Customer storms out*

Waitress:  …I just don’t understand why we’re losing customers like this.  It’s not like we’re serving Banoffee or anything…

Monday, 20 January 2014

An Ode To Engelbert

We Bloggers are a tribal lot.  We tend to pick a circle of Blogs that we like to read, and we will stick to them furiously through thick and thin, richer or poorer, sexual benefits or no sexual benefits.  So, I found myself rather saddened when my good friend Pickleope became the target of  hate campaign over his post about Burt Bacharach.  I couldn't stand to see any man or briney vegetable be tortured so vociferously over his poetry, especially when it is as artistic as Pickleope's.

As a show of solidarity, I will stand by my Blogging brother, and even try to further this niche genre that he is forging.  I have created a post about another oddly named singer, Engelbert Humperdinck.  Please enjoy:

Engelbert Humperdinck caused a big stink on the day he performed at his local ice rink.  He performed a lip sync to an N Sync hit, but was booed off the stage when the song reached its brink.

But this wasn’t the worst thing that Humperdinck did. Backstage he went to wash his hands in the sink, but the soap was pink and it squirted out quick.  He got pink sink soap all over his mink coat, so he went to the rink manager and called him a scrote.

“Who will pay to dry clean my mink? I think a hot wash might cause it to shrink, and I don’t want to wear a pygmy pink mink!”

The manager of the rink smirked at the pink mink.  He wasn’t impressed by Humperdinck’s stink, so with a knowing wink, he informed the star that he could end up in the clink, if he called the police.

Humperdinck, taking a sip of his drink (and a supplement pill full of Humperdinck’s zinc), had a quick think about his pink mink. He could link the rink to the mess of the mink, but he couldn’t replace what had now been dyed pink.  If he added some some ink he could perhaps make it purplish pink, but that might further ruin the soft slinky mink.  If only there was a Mink Repair Inc.

Rather than stomp around like a missing link, Humperdinck went home to his piano to plink.  As he plinked out an N Sync ditty with a whiskey on hand, he let the drink sink into his pituitary gland.  Being as drunk as a skink, he couldn’t rightly think, and sunk all of his funds into a show called Batfink.

With Humperdinck still in an alcohol-fuelled stink, he hired an escort from Sleazy Dee’s Kink.  A kinky young lady turned up at the door, and she found herself humping a Humperdinck dick. Once The Hump was satiated, miss Kink went to wash off, which she did by straddling Humperdinck’s sink.  She glanced round the bathroom, but there was no towel, so she dried herself off on a coat of pink mink.  Humperdinck screamed when he saw his pink mink being shoved up the chuff of this lady of kink.  The Dinck’s first instinct was to make her extinct, but instead he rang the precinct to collect this daft bint.

The police came by with an enquiring eye, and said “Hey, aren’t you that guy who was down by the rink and who kicked up a stink?  Let’s get him boys; I think that we’ve got this case linked”.

Humperdinck glanced around with no time to think, and picked up a statue of a rather nice sphinx.  Then with a distinct thud to the head, the cop and his colleagues promptly fell down dead.

In thrall to a hooker and dead cops with crocked domes, he dreaded the time when his wife arrived home. But worse than the wrath of the lovely Miss ‘Dinck, he bemoaned the loss of his wonderful mink.  Now it was covered in pink, ink, and fanny juice, The Hump couldn’t look at that sorry excuse.  He lifted a gun barrel to his temple, but hesitated as his lip started to tremble.  And this is the story of how Humperdinck, came to take his own life for a coat made of mink.

Pickleope, I'm here for you brother! I definitely haven't exploited this as an excuse to copy your post, this is a stand of solidarity.  Band of Bloggers!  So come on, trolls! Give me your best shot!

(P.S. If anyone would like me to record a reading of this, let me know)

Thursday, 16 January 2014

The Train That Never Dies

HONK HONK!  All aboard the Blog Tour train!  Today's stop?  Why, it's the ever-contrary boys over at Point Counter-Point Point Point

Christian and Pat have kindly invited me to join their duo for the day, which I duly accepted.  I did point out that we'd either have to become a trio, or we'd have to fight to the death to reduce our numbers, but they assured me that it would all work out and to put down the knife before anyone gets hurt.  It's those kind of sensibilities that made me love those guys in the first place.  Those quivering, frightened-of-sharp-object guys.

Anyway, I encourage you to read the interview as I'm sure you'll find it utterly hilarious.  Once you're done, follow their Blog if you don't already, and leave them some nice comments.  Also, buy my book!

Ciao for now.

Tuesday, 14 January 2014

Not Another Brain Shit

Hello friends!  Today, we're going to have a break from the Blog tour to bring you some urgent gibberish.  This is part of my long-running Brain Shit series, where I sit down and write with no real agenda and just see what comes out.  Below is what I cam up with, which hasn't been editted other than spelling alterations, and a nice picture.  Enjoy!
Being a streetlife hustler like myself, I often find myself playing the odds on a regular basis. “The Odds” being a weird couple called Bob and Marge who live down the street. They often come over for a game of Strip Operation, or Blind Man’s Boggle, which constitutes our usual game night. Other homemade games include “Name That Stink” and “How Much Mustard Can You Rub In Your Eyes Before You Have To Visit A&E”. I’ve consulted both Waddingtons and HB, but neither have accepted these ideas for commercial games.

Board games are a weird sort. They are like video games, but you don’t stare at a TV and often have to talk to people who are in the same room as you. Conversing with people is hard, especially when they won’t accept that your King can move anywhere on the board he likes, or else I’ll have everyone’s heads cut off. They didn’t think I was serious.

I tell you, heads on pikes are very good at deterring door-to-door salesmen. They do attract a lot of raccoons though, which is strange since raccoons are not indigenous to England. Who has unleashed this plague of flesh-eating raccoons upon us? Some would say that I’ve bought it on myself, what with the decaying corpses of my enemies/board game opponents rotting away in a ditch. It tends to attract unsavoury animals. But to attract animals from other continents takes a rather special type of rotting pile. That’s why I have made my New Year’s Resolution to extend my pit of death to unrealistic proportions. I will grow my deceased dungheap until more exotic, and possibly even extinct animals arrive to feast upon the remains. Once I get my first dinosaur I will have achieved my goals.

Now, there are some creationists who might say that is impossible, and that dinosaurs are the devil’s greatest hoax. Well, those people haven’t seen the prank I pulled on my friend Brad on April Fools. I rang him first thing in the morning and said “Hey Brad, did you know that you SUCK AT PARAGLIDING?!” Whilst it is technically true since Brad has never done any kind of gliding, para or otherwise, it upset him immensely and he spent the rest of the day indoors. I will buy him some paragliding lessons for his birthday this year.

Speaking of birthdays, I think it’s rather unfair that people have more birthdays than others. I only have one a year, but the Queen has two, and I know a guy who has fifteen. He makes me buy him presents for each one, usually involving dancing ladies who do high kicks and tell him it is his birthday all the time. I’ve never had dancing girls for my birthday, although a bird did crash through my window and did a death spasm on my cake once, which totally ruined my 5th birthday party.

Parties are an odd thing. Some people have parties, but some people belong to parties. Then you have party political broadcasts, which are nowhere near as fun as they sound. I’ve seen David Cameron downing a few brews at a house party and trying to get Samantha into an upstairs bedroom, which turns out to be occupied by Vince Cable doing blow off of Clegg’s crack. That would be a good night, not that I endorse drug taking. I only endorse drugs in a humorous context where politicians might be taking them and being sleazy at a teenage house party. Which is nothing like Noel’s House Party as there is no bulbous pink man covered in spots.

That reminds me of a phenomenon that is sorely lacking from television today. No one gets slime poured on them on a regular or even semi regular basis anymore, and it’s a downright shame. Have we evolved beyond a good primetime gunge tank? The heady thrill of luminous slime being dumped on some poor idiot who didn’t know the capital of Bulgaria is a thrill that I’m not sure I can live without. Back in the 90’s, gunge tanks were a staple of any TV set. I seem to remember that they had one installed on News At 10, where Trevor MacDonald would sit in it and get slimed if he mispronounced his words. Luckily for his drycleaner, he was very professional and stayed mostly dry.
That’s the thing I miss the most about my childhood. That, and finding porn in bushes. When I was a lad, any small forest contained a smattering of porn somewhere if you searched hard enough. The equivalent nowadays would be finding an iPad showing live webcams of girls in your area, but most people just watch their porn at home these days. These truly are sad, sad times that we live in.

Phew, I feel so much better now I've got that out of my system.  The Blog tour will resume shortly, so join me next time when I invade some other poor sap's Blog.  Until then, stay slinky.

Friday, 10 January 2014

Blog Tour - The Rambling Person, Chiz Chat and Pickleope

As the Blog Tour continues to envelop the entirety of cyberspace, I am pleased to report that today it is stopping over at The Rambling Person.  In actual fact, the post went live yesterday but it didn't show up in my Blog feed until today.  Rather than blaming Google and torching their offices to the ground, let's all move on and visit Mark's Blog.

The guest post is literally about me trying to sell my book, and pretending that I've kidnapped Mark and am holding him hostage.  If you have a severe case of Stockholme Syndrome, you may enjoy this post.

Mark is another self-publishing veteran who has previously been featured here, so it's nice to see this promotion thing come full circle.  We are ouroboros.  If you get the chance, I would seriously recommend following his Blog and giving him a bit of support for being an awesome guy.

Also, while I've been typing this, the wonderful Chiz at Chiz Chat had uploaded an interview that I've done with him, so you get twice as much content today.  This is a (hopefully) humourous interview in which you can find snippets of information about the book, where to find it, and how many Taiwanese children were forced to work their hand to the bone to produce enough Kindles to keep up with the supply.

Again, please support Chiz and follow him too.  His Blog is enviously funny, and it might encourage him to post more often if we camp outside his house with banner and ask him to sign our titties or something.

And before I can even catch my breath, Pickleope has written an amazing piece on his perceptions of Britain in order to try and help me move a few copies.  Seriously, go and read it now.  If for some reason you are following me and not Pickleope, then this is something that you need to correct immediately.

Thank you for your continued support.  Just to remind you, my book is and always will be available as below:

Click here to purchase - UK Version

Click here to purchase - US Version

Wednesday, 8 January 2014

The Evils Of Money

They say that money makes the world go round.  That’s an odd statement considering that scientific theory dictates that gravity actually makes the world go round, and that little slips of paper have virtually no effect on the planet’s centrifugal force.  However, a lot of people strongly believe that money is the cause, and by accumulating more of it they’ll make the planet spin faster, meaning that they can go to sleep earlier I guess.

A lot of people also believe that money is the root of all evil.  This is a more believable statement since most of the identifiable evil people in the world also happen to be rich.  They usually require money in order to achieve their nefarious ambitions, and money can be used to buy a lot of evil devices and gadgets.  For example, the cost of a biological warfare facility is out of reach for most people living in council tenancies.

I’m not here to offer solutions to this.  In fact, I’m here to compound the problem further by describing my wildest evil fantasies.

Being a career megalomaniac, I often sit and contemplate the various methods I would use to achieve world domination, if only I had the appropriate funding.  The Bank Of Evil from Despicable Me doesn’t exist in reality (or if they do, they don’t respond to my letters), so I’ll have to settle for daydreaming about global destruction for now.  Anyway, here are my favourite methods for worldwide devastation:

The world's evil bank

Death Ray

The death ray is a classic weapon amongst supervillains.  In fact, you’re not truly evil until you’ve tried to build a planet-shattering laser of some description.  Most villains like to install their death rays on the moon for a clear shot, but I have a more devious method of construction.
By beginning assembly in Cuba, no one would suspect anything.  Cuba is a good nation that is certainly not on any US government watch lists, and is within easy firing distance of the planet’s chubbiest superpower.  Cuba also produces cigars by the bucketload.  By using discarded cigar tubes, a death ray of suitable size can be built with subterfuge.  Any overhead spyplanes will just thing a giant cigar is being built, then BAM!  Laser to the face!  Thank you, goodnight!

Genetic Mutants

This is another staple of the villainous stable.  Any evil-doer worth his or her salt will splice together two ferocious animals to create a hideous hybrid army.  How about a murderous pack of Dingo-Falcons?  What about some Spider-Octupi all up in your grill?  Or, worst of all, how about the combined anger of a Hippo-Honey Badger?

Geologically Impossible Structures

An evil villain needs a place to hide away from the law.  That places needs to be somewhere remote and unsafe (how else are those grunts going to needlessly die?).  That’s why bad guys can be found in hollowed out volcanoes, under the sea, or on a floating doom fortress.  My personal favourite however, is to create a base within Area 51.

Think about it for a second and it all makes sense.  Nobody in Area 51 ever questions anyone else.  Everything is on a need to know basis and no one really knows anyone or anything for the sake of security.  You can go about your business without question.  Plus, all that sweet alien technology will certainly improve the propulsion systems on your orbital destruction cannon.

Since I have shared my dark side with you, now it’s your turn.  What diabolical schemes would you accomplish if you were rich?


A post on a Wednesday?  My posting schedule is out of sync with the ongoing Blog tour, so updates will come as an when.  Speaking of which, my eBook is still available (UK and US versions available now).

Saturday, 4 January 2014

The Blog Tour Stop #1 - The Suddenly Kate Show

As you probably know, I am currently undergoing a Blog tour to promote my new book (UK and US versions available now).  This means that I have collaborated with some of my favourite Bloggers to provide some new, hopefully entertaining stuff.

Since this is effectively Day 1 of the Blog tour, it is my great honour to be hosted at The Suddenly Kate Show.  Kate is a fellow author who I have followed for quite a while, and helped her promote her own book on this very Blog earlier in 2013.  She has kindly returned the favour in the form of a humorous interview, which I hope you'll enjoy.  Please visit and, while you're supporting me, support Kate as well.  That link again.

Also, I have also done some pre-release promotional material which I would like to share.  Back in December 2013 (remember those heady days, when the Internet was in black and white and we only had 473 flavours of crisps?) I did a rather lengthy and bizarre interview with everyone's favourite Internet child Rob Z Tobor, which should be fun for those of you who enjoy eccentric Britishness.  Then there is the video interview that I did with the talented face of Bumferry Hogart, which is shows me in a poor light.  Seriously, the lighting for my part was terrible, so I can only apologise to Bumferry for providing him with shit quality video clips.

That's all for today.  I will keep you updated of Blog tour events as they arise, along with a smattering of business as usual stuff.  Until then, stay slinky.

Friday, 3 January 2014

The Muppets For Justice Book

Do you remember that book I've banging on about for over a month now?  Well, I am pleased to announce that it's here and is finally available on the Amazon store:

To download to your Kindle, either buy it from the store with the link above, or search Muppets For Justice on the Kindle Store.  To read on an android or Apple device, simply download the Kindle app.

So what can you expect from the Muppets For Justice ebook?  That's a question that I've pondered over a lot during the run up to this launch.  I would describe it as a series of comedic articles, with no real agenda or overriding theme, similar to this Blog.  Think of it as a greatest hits compilation, with the best stuff from Blog combined with plenty of brand new, unreleased material that you won't see anywhere else. That's the best way I've found to sum it up.

Since it's launch day, I am pleased to announce that I am starting a Blog Tour throughout January to promote the book.  This includes many collaborations with other Bloggers over on their Blogs, so be sure to look out for that.  I'll leave regular updates on here as and when they arise.

If you like the book, please leave a review telling others what you think.  I understand that feedback is critical, so don't be shy and leave a review if you can spare the time.  I would also like to thank you all for reading my stuff over the last couple of years, because this wouldn't have come to fruition without you.

The wait is finally over.