Friday, 25 May 2007

Notice Of Absence

For all my faithful readers out there (you two are really hanging on aren't you?), I am doubtful that I will be able to make another update within the next week. I have a week off work, and the activities I have planned leave me little time to write another blog. Who knows, by the time I get back, I may have one thousand and one wonderous tales of ecstasy to share with you, or I may just post up another update about a dream I had.

Sorry my busy schedule leave little time for you guys, but once I'm back, I'll make it up to you, I promise.

Someone Is Sending Me Spams

Oh what a sweet thing to do! Many of us have recieved emails from African millionaires promising to give us their riches. Most of them, I ignore, but recently, I recieved one from a Miss Linda Mayo that struck a chord with me:

Dearest One,

Compliment of the season to you. I know that this letter will come to you as a surprise, with the full hope that you will bear with us to assist me in this mutual transaction that will extend our both families.

I am Linda Mayo from Abidjan in Republique of Cote d Ivoire. my late Father Mr. Lucas Mayo. who was into cocoa/Cotton export, died last year after a brief illness. before his died he deposited two big trunk boxes containing $4.5musd(Four million five hundred thousand united states dollar) with other family valuables with security company here in Cote d'Ivoire registered it as art work belonging to his foreign partner who will be coming for the release and export to abroad

Please, I want you to focus your mind in this transaction for this is risk free , legal an Genuine business. I ask for your assistance and permission to submit your name as my late Father foreign partner for release of this consignment and transfer/export to your cuntry for safe keeping and investment.

I humbly ask for you to response to this email immediately with your Tel/Fax numbers to enable me forward to you the neccessary documents concerning this deposit. So as to conclude this transaction under 14 good working days

My Brother and I have conclude to give you 10 % of the total money after the release of this consignment for your noble assistance.

And note that this is the only hope of my Brother and me therefore try to keep it confidential for the security of this money and our dear life.

Please we will like you to treat us like your own children.

Waiting for your urgent response,Please reply to this my email box

Best regards.
Miss Linda Mayo.
A damsel in distress? Who am I to turn down such a noble quest? Notice how she starts the message with "Dearest One"? That means she loves me. But alas, our love affair cannot possibly come to fruition, because my girlfriend will break my neck. Unfortunately, I would have to avoid the advances of this temptress of the interwebs, and concentrate on the business in hand. Here's my response:

Dear Miss Mayo,

First of all, I am very saddened to hear of your father's death. I'm sure he was an upstanding gent with plenty of preserves to his name. If his name was also Mayo, I'm sure he was a delcious man.

Second, may I just say, wow, I am very flattered by your proposal. 10% of 4 million dollars stands to make me around 2.8 million! Is there any chance I could have that exchanged into Great British Pounds (GBP (£££)) because my local liquor store does not take that "Crazy Yank money". I believe that, due to current exchange rates, I am going to double my money in this transaction! Oh boy, this is going to be a bigger windfall than the time it was my birthday and I was allowed to take £10 off of each player.

Let me assure you that I always keep my mind focussed when it comes to "legal an Genuine business", in fact, one would say that "legal an Genuine business" is what my mind is most focussed upon at all times, like this one time, where my friend Jimmy said to me "You know, you really need to keep your eye on the ball when it comes to legal an Genuine business", so I told him that he and his mother should just have sex and get it over with, so he beat me senseless with a video case. Of course, I got him back later that week when I threw his shoes into a septic tank, whilst he was still wearing them. Jimmy was weird, always poking his fingers into people's sandwiches at dinner time...anyway, where were we?

Anyway, I would be happy to give you my Tel/Fax numbers if I understood what it is you meant. Could you please clarfiy what a Tel/Fax number is, and where I can locate it. Is it those numbers behind the monitor?

I wish to assist you further, and hope that the transaction goes well. By the way, I would treat you as if you were my children, but that would involve you going into care.



P.S. Jimmy tells me that Tel/Fax numbers are like lottery numbers. My usual numbers are 6, 9, 18, 27, 36, and 45, the bonus ball is always 900. Thanks!

I can't wait for all that money! More on this exchange when I return. But for now, tally bye!

Thursday, 24 May 2007

Pianist Enlargement

Every so often, I end up having a random IM conversation that I can never quite figure out how and why it went in the direction it did. Yesterday evening was one of those times, as I was speaking to Fort over MSN. Fort is very much into pianist enlargements, and hopes to enlarge his own pianist someday, possibly to a gargantuan size. As we discussed the pros and cons of pianist enlargements, we came to the conclusion that, for science to justify the advancement of pianists to the next level, it would also have to benefit society as a whole. Here's the discussion that took place:

Fort: We should discuss pianist enlargements, and how they would effect global issues.
Fort: Pros and cons.
Addman: Pros - Larger pianists could be used for spectacular aid concerts.
Fort: Cons - They'd eat all the rice.
Fort: Pros - A large enough pianist would be able to collect rainwater in it's reservoir-sized belly button.
Addman: Cons - A pianist that size would cause tectonic plates to shift.
Fort: Pros - Stool manufacturing would benefit.
Addman: You mean piano stools, right?
Fort: Yes of course, piano stools.
Fort: Gah! It still sounds bad that way too!
Fort: Cons - For stools that size, the rainforests would have to chopped down.
Addman: Cons - Many elephants would be slaughtered for the ivory on their keyboards.
Addman: Pros - More room in zoos for Platypusses.
Fort: Pros - The Pianists could be an alternative food source for starving children.
Addman: Pros - They could also pull huge ploughs between aid concerts.
Fort: Cons - They'd crush the land underfoot.
Addman: Cons - They'd put Jamie Cullum and Elton John out of business.
Fort: Pros - See above.
Addman: You know, I'd love to see a world with enlarged pianists.
Fort: A man can dream, a man can dream.

Shittiest Movie Of The Week

(Thanks Fort) Kung Pow: Enter The Fist is everything that humour isn't. I sincerely hope that the director and his family are given restraining orders against cameras or film-making equipment after this massive mistake. You can find the full movie on YouTube here, but if you just want highlights, there's a clip of all the "Funny bits" right here.

I only managed to get half an hour into this before I found myself imagining I was watching the vastly superior Kung Fu Hustle instead. Make it a challenge to see how far you can get through this (WARNING: It may help if you are wasted first).

Wednesday, 23 May 2007

I Think I Need Help...


As promised, here's an update about the strange dreams I have when half asleep. For those of you that read my last article, you'll already know that before I wake up fully in the morning, I set my alarm to snooze, then begin to drift off to sleep again. When my alarm wakes me up for a second time, I haven't had the chance to go into a deep sleep, and can usually remember my dreams. For those that didn't read my last post, then go back and read it! Don't expect a summary from me!

Anyway, earlier this week, I dreamt that I had acquired a pet lizard. I didn't buy him, or even swap anything for him, but he simply appeared (complete with tank and everything he needed) atop my bookcase and made himself comfortable.

The moment I saw his scaley little hide I had already fallen for his repitllian charms. I named him Heldago (I wish I knew...), and I grew to care for him like a first born son. I'd try and teach him to jump through hoops, but he'd merely stand there, blissfully unaware of my attempts to bond with him. He had a box of crickets for food, and I would gleefully feed the crickets because I knew Heldago would get to sample the fruits of my labours by lunchtime. I'd introduce him to my friends and family, but Heldago turned his nose up at these newcomers, I was guttered that he did not like my family.

Later that day, I arrived home after a quick trip to the pet store, with a new bag of crickets (A bag of crickets? Would they not suffocate?) in hand. As I opened the door, and I almost dropped the bag in shock. In the time it took me to go to and from the pet shop, Heldago had somehow become a celebrity. Due to his overwhelming popularity, Heldago had decided to don a top hat and a monacle in some far flung attempt to flaunt his high society status. His fame was reknowned throughout the land, and a small gathering of scantily clad groupies had secured entry to my house so they could crowd around Hunky Heldago. One woman rubbed him under the chin as he glanced at me, then turned away, shunning me in favour of his gaggle of hens.

I was crushed. I could only stand there with a tear in my eye as he left the house on his solid gold Segway. I guess I loved him more than he could ever love me...

Joke Of The Day

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says "what is this, some kind of joke?"

Tuesday, 22 May 2007

The First Post, She Is Mine!


Hello, and welcome to Muppets For Justice. For those of you wondering about the title of this blog, please don't ask, it makes less sense to me than it does to you. Something about it just seemed appropriate.

I'll start by introducing myself, I'm Addman, a 20 year old male living in the United Kingdom. When I'm not dodging random knife fights and happy slappers I work as an IT Technician at an Architects firm. The work's fairly interesting at times and I'm getting a lot of decent training so far. Anyway, I'm sure more about my life will become apparent during the course of blog, but for now, it's on with the show!

The Dread Zone

I'm the sort of person who loves his sleep. For work I have to get up earlier than I ever have before in my previous experience. In fact, up until about three years ago, I always thought that 7 AM was a myth told by adults to scare their children about growing up. A time where the living literally drag their weary carcasses out from the warming comfort of their bedsheets, and into the grim, unforgiving existance known as "Morning". This Morning is usually harsh upon those who are not Students or Benefit Cheats, a time where stumbling around half blind whilst trying to find an item of clothing to ward off the cold is particulary common. As such, I now refer to any time which falls in the AM as "The Dread Zone". Fortunately, my friends, I have come up with a way to combat this Dread Zone menace that plagues our society. Set your alarm even earlier!

"But Addman, you must be crazy!" I hear you cry, but if you'd just shut up for one damn second, I'll explain myself. Set your alarm ten or fifteen minutes earlier than you actually have to get up, then, when it finally goes off, set it to Snooze for the time that you would usually awaken. This way you get ten or fifteen minutes extra to do all those essential morning things, such as wake up. Once you finally get up, you'll be at least three times more alert, and you'll be able to leap straight into your clothes without putting two limbs into each hole (it's possible, believe me).

Of course, the drawback of this is that falling back to sleep is a possibility, but even if you do, I find it's a magical period of the morning where you are only semi-asleep, and as such, you can remember your dreams in vivid detail. I have a few dreams from that extra quarter of an hour, but I'll save them for a future update.