Feral Living

Your boss stops at your desk. He informs you that you are to present your plans for Project Poseidon in ten minutes, then walks away. You stare at your monitor. The whiteness of the empty spreadsheet burns through your bloodshot eyes, onto you retinas, and into your soul. You’ve got nothing. How can you present this to the board? After hours of brainstorming, days of meetings, weeks of research, you've still got nothing. Project Poseidon is unworkable. What is Project Poseidon anyway? Is it water-based? Why is that relevant to a credit company?  You don’t even know anymore. You can’t go in there and tell them that it was all a complete waste of time. This was supposed to save the company millions. How can you tell them that? You haven’t even understood what you were doing in the first place.

A blind panic begins to swirl around your gut.  There are only two options available.  Firstly, go in there, embarrass yourself, look like an idiot, and get fired immediately.  Alternatively, you could run away, eschew society altogether and live out the rest of your feral days as a mountain goat.

Phwoar!  Look at the neck on that!

There’s one brave soul out there who chose the second option (see article here). Appropriately dubbed “Goatman”, a man has been spotted in the wilds of northern Utah trying to blend in with a herd of mountain goats. To complete the illusion, he has made himself a goat outfit, a face mask, and some crude antlers.

Officials are powerless to stop him in his quest for goatish glory.  Phil Douglass of the Utah Division of Wildlife Resources said that Goatman wasn’t doing anything illegal, so they can’t force him to leave the herd.  However, he wants Goatman to understand the great risks he is taking.

"My very first concern is the person doesn't understand the risks," Douglass said. "Who's to say what could happen."

Well, here’s a scenario for you.  Let’s say that Goatman succeeds in his mission and becomes a fully fledged member of the herd.  Let’s also say that Goatman has managed to bully his way up the female pecking order (because his antlers aren’t big enough to challenge the males).  Then, baby season comes around and the males begin fighting for mating rights with the herd’s prize female, Goatman.  Once battle dies down and a victor is chosen, the champion will want his sexual spoils.  Would that be illegal?  Or, like any nature enthusiast or documentary film maker, would Goatman have to let nature take its course.

Goatman on location

But Phil Douglass has other concerns. "They may get agitated. They're territorial. They are, after all, wild animals," he said. "This person puts on a goat suit, he changes the game. But as long as he accepts responsibility, it's not illegal."

This is especially worrying considering that goat hunting season is coming up soon.  Can you imagine hunting a prize winning goat, mounting it’s head on your wall, only for the mask to fall off and revealing a human head?  I wouldn’t want to be held liable for that.

My favourite part of the article though has to be the eye witness account:

‘He said he pulled out binoculars to get a closer look at the herd about 200 yards away and was shocked. The man appeared to be acting like a goat while wearing the crudely made costume, which had fake horns and a cloth mask with cut-out eye holes, Creighton said.
 "I thought, 'What is this guy doing?' " Creighton said. "He was actually on his hands and knees. He was climbing over rocks and bushes and pretty rough terrain on a steep hillside."
 Creighton said the man occasionally pulled up his mask, apparently trying to navigate the rocky terrain. The man then appeared to spot Creighton.
 "He just stopped in his tracks and froze," he said.’

How sinister.  There you are, out for an afternoon stroll on your hands and knees with the herd, when some creepy fuck like Coty Creighton starts taking photos of you from behind a bush.  No wonder Goatman froze.  He was probably considering whether to gore this foolish boy, or allow him to live like the magnanimous creature he is.

To all the Goatman haters out there, I implore you, leave Goatman alone.  He’s living the dream of trapped office workers everywhere.

UPDATE:  Since I wrote this, Goatman has turned out to be hunter preparing for the upcoming hunting season.  We can rest assured that no goats will be molested any time soon.