July 4th, Independence Day. It is a
holiday that is dear to us Americans. It was on this day that Will Smith and
his posse of nerds deterred the infamous alien invasion.
As ignorant Earthlings, this occasion serves as
a reminder that we are, in fact, not the only inhabitants of this immeasurable
cosmos. Furthermore, we have proven to be rather fragile creatures in the face
of extraterrestrial plasma gadgetry. Without the heroic actions of Mr. Will
Smith, this entire planet would be reduced to an intergalactic bar and grille
where we’d be forever shackled to fryolators and flattops, forced to serve the
unappreciative, extraterrestrial
families who ignore the high-pitched wails of their spawns while
simultaneously leaving poor tips.
For this reason, I have brought it upon myself
to erect the Institute of Future Will Smiths. Mr. Smith will not be around
forever to combat the hoards of emotional robots, alien invaders, and mutated
humans. So, what are we to do when one of these serious threats to humanity
rears its unattractive, globular head in the future?
Big Willy Style |
The Institute of Future Will Smiths follows a
strict curriculum in order to ensure the comprehensive transformation of ordinary
citizens into an army of rogue cops and Martian murderers. The core curriculum
is as follows:
Maintaining
boundless strength and energy.
Will Smith exercises 25 hours a day. It is our
ambition to uphold the same requirements for our students. We have an endless
supply of government approved adrenaline that is easily accessible at any one
of our drinking fountains. Apart from lifting copious amounts of weights above
their heads, the students will be further challenged by being pinned against
several hazardous military prototypes. If Will Smith could disable an army of
menstruating robots, our students are expected to, at the very least, take down
a meager heavy tank archetype.
Uphold
a witty and charismatic persona.
It is said that The Fresh Prince could charm the
socks off of a zombified Janet Reno with nothing but a quick quip and closing
line. Our students will be put through rigorous lesson plans in order to hone
their abilities. Courses will include: Locked in a Room with the Cast of
Frasier 101, Woo the Queen 234, and the ever-infamous Make Kristen Stewart
Smile Onscreen 403.
Perfecting
that stunning and infectious smile.
Shiny Happy Incisors |
Our students will be able to blind Apollo and
his army of solar deities with a glint of their flawless pearly whites. Our
cafeteria diet follows that of the original Will Smith, himself. For breakfast,
our students can enjoy a fresh bowl of toothpaste crust with a tall glass of
Listerine to wash it all down. Already sound too good to be true? Well, listen
to just a few of the lunch and dinnertime selections to choose from: Desalted
saltines marinated in a peroxide-based gel, stacks of roasted whitening strips,
and plain spaghetti with a rich bleach sauce!
Our curriculum has been approved and partially
funded by Will Smith, himself. No longer will humanity be wary of what
unforeseen enemy awaits in the abyss. With the graduating masses of Will
Smiths, our world will be safe from all future supernatural threats.
Not everyone is cut out to be the next Will
Smith, but you will never know unless you try. In the boner-inducing words of
Will Smith,“If it was something that I really
committed myself to, I don't think there's anything that could stop me becoming
President of the United States.”
~The Institute of Milla
Jovovich opens this Fall~
I feel a whole lot better about the future now that I know Will Smith's legacy will carry on. Though of course he only flew the ship in "Independence Day." It was Jeff Goldblum who gave the aliens the virus and Randy Quaid who blew up the ship attacking Area 51.
ReplyDeleteThat's what those aliens get for making parodies of Willow's music video.
ReplyDeleteI would actually love to be locked in a room with the cast of Frasier. I wouldn't really want to be in the Will Smith Institute though. I could send my kids there however. But Will Smith had something no kid does, he has natural talent, and awesome genes. You could make an army of Will Smith's, but it would still be defeated by the real one.
ReplyDeleteWhere do I sign up!
ReplyDeleteI want to attend the Institute of Milla Jovovich, but only if that means I get to sing with Maynard James Keenan. Oh, and if I get to be nude at all times.
ReplyDeleteThanks Chiz for filling in so wonderfully. Incidentally, does the institute teach inoffensive, family friendly rap?
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comments, everyone! And, I'd like to extend a thanks to Addman for posting my material on his website!
ReplyDeleteHaha this was awesome. All I can say is "WELCOME TO EARF!"
ReplyDeleteI think we should just clone him.
ReplyDelete