Good Deed Feed

Thank you to the tall, dark, handsome stranger who picked up my handbag when I dropped it on the Tube.  You didn’t need to run off with it though.  Perhaps we can meet for coffee and you can bring it back to me? ~ Infatuated

Thanks to the person who handed in my wallet at lost property.  I was glad to see the condoms were still in there, but did you really have to use them and put them back? ~Disgusted

Cheers to the man in Poundland who didn’t hold the door for me and let it swing back into my face.  That broken nose eventually lead me to an epiphany about the futility of human existence and a desperate suicide attempt. ~Depressed Philosopher

A big shout out to my beautiful girlfriend who rides with me in the carpool lane every morning to avoid the rush hour traffic.  Polythene Penny, you are the perfect woman. ~Early Joe

Thanks mum for your wonderful aim when you gave me an adrenaline shot directly into my heart.  I’m glad you were around when I nearly OD’ed in the living room.  Now I’m glad I didn’t sell your reading glasses for crack. ~Revived

I want to say thanks to the kind lady who does my home help.  I apologise for the loud queef during my last sponge bath. ~Ashamed Granny

Don't queef near me again, or it's tumble time!

Much love for my wonderful lady friend. You always stick with me through thick and thin.  I love you more than words could possibly describe.  If we were in a human caterpillar, I’d be right behind you. ~Snuff Fan

Hearty thanks to the fellow at the coffee stand at the train station.  You put urine in my frappe, just how Martha used to make it.  The foam moustache was simply to die for.  Same again tomorrow? ~Secret Lemonade Drinker

Thanks to the producers of Magic Mike.  That movie made my ovaries clang like a Newton’s Cradle. ~Yummy Mummy

A massive thank you to the masked vigilante who stopped the baby carriage just as it was about to roll into the path of a speeding car.  You handed me the baby safe and sound.  Now, if I could just find its actual mother, perhaps I could be a superhero too.  Seriously, when you start a job, see it through!  Don’t just palm it off on me and expect me to sort it all out. ~Adoptive Mother

Kudos to all the cultists who put their time and effort into last week’s mass suicide.  Sorry I didn’t join you, but the poison was in the punch, and I hate punch.  By the way, the nibbles you all bought were tremendous. ~Pact-Man

Thank you very much.  Thank you very much.  That’s the nicest thing that anyone’s ever done for me. ~Scrooge