Friday, 18 November 2011

An Urgent Appeal

You may be used to this blog being a life-a-minute rollercoaster ride of orgasmic proportions, but I have a much more solemn topic to address today.  I would like to bring to your attention the plight of one of the Earth's rarest and most beautiful creatures.  Now I know you're thinking "But Addman, since when did you care about the environment? Aren't you solely responsible for melting a large chunk of the Northern Glaciers?" but I have turned a new corner, and I am offering refuge to a certain type of mistreated animal. I am of course referring to the Bobbing Bird.

Bobbing Birds have been living domesticated alongside us for many years now, but I was dismayed at the scandalous conditions in which many owners keep their pets. This type of mistreatment has gone on for much too long, and I plan to wrong this right (or right this wrong, I get confused with turns of phrase) by opening my very own Bobbing Bird Sanctuary. But in order to do that, we at Muppets For Justice need your donations.

Increasingly, these birds are being illegally sold into the rare trade market, to owners who merely want them as a status symbol. Bobbing Birds are a rare species, and as such, highly sought after in these materialistic times by collectors. We checked on eBay, and found thousands of birds for sale, which proves the staggering scale of this barbaric poaching operation.

This is Bobby. Bobby was found balanced precariously on a rickety bookshelf, bobbing away to ease the pain. He was forced to drink stale water from a stained cup continuously by his twisted owners. His feet were covered in dust and had obviously been left to his own devices for months by a callous carer. With your donations, we can raise the money we need to keep their drinking water fresh, and their glasses clean.


This is Mona and her daughter Lisa, mother and daughter, who were found crammed into a small drawer along with broken electronic goods and other waste. They'd been left there like some sort of disposable consumer good, or an unwanted birthday gift from a mad old Auntie who regularly wees herself. Mona and Lisa had been so used to not having enough room to bob their heads that they have virtually forgotten how to do so. With your help, we can pay our team of animal experts (with PHDs in Birdology and Bobistics) to give them the physiotherapy they need to bob their heads once again, like nature intended.

This is Darrell being reintroduced to fresh water once more. His previous owners left him on top of a toilet and treated him as though he were a toy! Darrell is well into our recovery program and is nearly ready to be put up for adoption. If you wish to adopt a Bobbing Bird such as Darrell, please leave your contact numbers as comments in this blog, and we'll send you a brochure of the work we do, along with the forms you need to help us save them from their torturous owners. Darrell needs the love and attention of someone who truly cares for him. Could you be that person?

As you can tell, this is obviously serious work that requires a lot of funding. Funding which we severely lack, and we can only do so much for these little miracles of nature on pure love alone. We need your donations. For only £10 per month, you will receive a care pack every month with information on our operation, a special note from your selected bird, and a pamphlet detailing what you can do to save the Bobbing Bird population.

Thank you, and remember, a bird bobs for life, not just for your entertainment.

Monday, 14 November 2011

Bad Guy Supplies

Dear customer,

Thank you for your interest in our products. We at BadGuySupplies are proud to be the number 1 supplier for the Axis of Evil, and cartoon villains everywhere. Here is the product catalogue as you requested. As usual, being the evilly aligned company that we are, there is no returns policy for any faulty goods. We do not apologise for any inconvenience this may cause:

Chasm Of Crabs

Tired of throwing infiltrators into molten lava pits? Have shark tanks become too cliché? Then you need a Chasm Of Crabstm. Filled with only the briniest crustaceans for maximum discomfort, the Chasm Of Crabstm will give any villain’s originality a pinch on the arm. Discretion is assured with a realistic sliding trapdoor and soundproofed sea-battered rocks. Free fitting and delivery is included.

Price - $300,000 inc. VAT

Upgrade to a Bottomless Chasm Of Crabs - $350,000

Diarrhea Turret

For the greener, eco conscious dictator, the Diarrhea Turret is a delicate solution for both waste management and subduing intruders. Make your enemies brown with envy as you coat them with a tepid torrent of turd.

Price - $15,500 per unit.

SPECIAL OFFER: Buy 5 for free warranty on blockages!

Henchmen Segway 

Now your grunts can arrive promptly and in style with these new Henchmen Segways! Painted an evil red with flame detail, these Segways have been customised with a sidearm holster, GPS tracking device, anti-lock brakes, air bag, and an unstable self-detonation system.

Price - $2,400.

Optional extras: Left wheel steering and sunroof.

Invisible Poison 

Ideal for assassination attempts, our poison coating can be applied to any object or surface and doesn’t leave any smell, taste, or visible marks. Invisible Poison can be liberally applied to anything without detection. This product is also water resistant and cannot be washed off. This is an elegant solution to protect the door handles to your office, your lunch, or your poison bottle lids.

Price - $80 per gallon

N.B. Poison is resistant to both brush and pipette. Must be applied with hands. Does not wash off. Do not ingest. Antidote is not available. New hands may be required.

Hitler’s Brain + Accessories 

We have successfully managed to acquire the genetic code for Hitler’s Brain, and have begun mass producing them by the bucketload! Each brain comes with a choice of animal to put it in, including honey badger, blind cave salamander, kingfisher, and many more! Pack also includes an assortment of limbs out of which you can construct your own Nazi Golem. True D.I.Y. evil!

Price $20,000


Advertising space is available! If you have your own evil products that you would like us to advertise, please leave your item in the comments box provided below:

Friday, 11 November 2011

Alan Paige Vs Nigerian Millionaires

Spam, spam, glorious spam.  Nothing quite like it for exposing a sham.  That's what I've been trying to do this week, when my inbox was suddenly flooded by a legion of Nigerian millionaires who were just giving away their money.  Despite what we are constantly told by Comic Relief and those aid agencies, Africa must be the richest continent in the world, judging by these rich bastards who are sending me emails.

In the spirit of good faith, I decided to write back to some of them, under the guise of Alan Paige.  Alan is a simple man who tries to scratch a living out of doing fuck all, so was naturally delighted to receive such emails.  First on the agenda is Mr Mohamed Omar Ibrahim, a kind gentleman who tries to get a dead 90's R'n'B star to bless me from beyond the grave.  Weird:

Dear Friend,

As-salaam aliekum.....
Please, kindly pardon me for any inconvenience this letter may cost you because I know it may come to you as a surprise as we have no previous correspondence. I got your contact as I was searching for an assistant in your country, and this is why I decided to appeal to you as a matter of urgency about a huge transfer of ($9,700,000.00) Nine Million Seven Hundred Thousand United State Dollar. But I want to first transfer $1,700.000.00 (One million seven hundred thousand USD) from this money into a safe account and after which we will transfer the remaining (8M) I have only written to seek for your indulgence and assistance. You will be providing a designated bank account of your choice. It is an unequivocal fact that we’ve not met nor communicated before but due to the true revelation that I should share this with you.

My name is Mr Mohamed Omar Ibrahim. Director of integrated finance of a bank here in West Africa Thus for your indulgence and assistance (morally and financially), i propose a 45% share of the total amount to you after the transfer has been successfully effected, I need your urgent response on assurance of trust that you will not deny me my share once the fund is credited to your personal bank account as I am a poor civil servant who depends solely on monthly salary, so kindly state your interest by replying immediately and i shall furnish you with details and procedures preceding the transfer.

Mr Mohamed Omar Ibrahim
What a wonderful director of integrated finance you are.  I could just kiss you:

Dear Mr Mo Molam

45% of $9,700,000.00?  That stands to make me $9,699,999.99! I would be honoured, blessed, and aroused to receive such a bounty.  I've already started spending the money in my mind.  Here is what I intend to spend it on:
1.  A jetski
2.  Another jetski
3.  A child's jetski
4.  Two more jetskis strapped together with duct tape to make a 2 person jetski
5.  A red jetski

I might also buy a crate of pencil toppers.  Please furnish me with details of how I can fulfill my dream of starting a jetski school for the over 70's.
He responds:

Dear Friend,      

May peace and mercy of almighty Allah be upon you
Thanks for your response to my appeal for your noble assistance, however i believe that you will make a good patina with me and i will like your maturity in keeping this transaction as top secret and confidential as I'm a staff in this bank and this is my 22 years of been in service with this bank I'm 51years now and a family man married with one wife and 2 children and i promise you that you will never regret knowing me as a Muslim brother and also a patina.

Nonetheless you have to provide different accounts after we transfer the first US$ 1.7million then the remaining Eight Million will be split in different accounts, so you don't have anything to be afraid of in this transaction because i have been working with this bank for many years I also have the full conviction that you will not betray or disappoint me once this money is transferred into your bank account. To be frank with you, this transaction is totally genuine and i am absolutely an honest and sincere person.

The name of the late bank customer is: Dr. F. Shah Young a physician and industrialist, He met his sudden death in wildfire disaster on 1st Oct. 2003  and I am the only person who has the full information of his abandoned account, so when I investigate about the cause of his death it was gathered that he died along with his wife and three(3)children, he left the sum of Nine Million Seven Hundred Thousand  United States dollars ($9,700,000.00USD ) in his account in the Bank and did not name his  beneficiary, since then the bank had been waiting to see if any body from abroad could come forward and put claims over his balance, as this is exactly Eight years he died, therefore I want us to be fast in communication so that this fund will be out from this bank within 7days we apply for the release. And I need the bellow information as soon as you get this mail so that I can start drafting an application to proceed.

1. Your Full Name
2. Your Full Address.
3. Occupation
4. Age & Sex
5. Your personal phone number for easy communication

After receiving your reply with the above information of yours then I will draft and send you a text which you will fill with your safe account details for the release of the fund.

Mr. Mohamed Omar Ibrahim
Promising stuff.  I don't understand all that banky wank, but the prospect is making me rather hot:

Dear Fiend,

I am glad to hear that the great god Aaliyah is upon me.  I can feel Aaliyah's presence all over my shivering, naked torso.  The mere thought is making me short of breath, and long of genitals.
I also believe we could make good patinas together.  When all this is over, we should open a patina stall, selling hot, tasty patinas to the world.

As for the questions, here are the answers you require:

1.  Alan Stalin Paige
2.  123 Madeupa Road, Vaguesville, Norway, YT59 000
3.  Bed Tester
4.  Never too old for it.
5.  0766001y8.ab

Hope this helps.

P.S.  I don't have a bank account.  Will this be a problem?
For some reason, he stopped responding.  I guess the bank closed for the week.  Strange stuff.

Next up, a rather long, yet suspicious email.  I decided to call this person out on the grounds of being a fraud:

Dear Respectful,

Warm greetings to you and your family in good faith. I am aware that this is not a formal approach in starting a relationship, but as time goes on, you will realise the need for my approach. My email to you will come as as a surprise since i don't know you in person. But if this message comes to you out of your wish, i am very sorry. I hope that you will read through this email and understand how difficult things can be for someone in a particular period in life.

I introduce my self to you with all faith, trust and hope you will understand to assist me not to betray me at the end. My name is Ann Zaky i am 22years now, i was a student in the University of Abidjan, Cote d'Ivoire (Ivory Coast) I am the only daughter of late Chief STEVE ZAKY Some rebel from one part of the government struck our township and killed my parents and my only brother because my father was one of the oppositions to the former president of my country Cote D'Ivoire (Ivory Coast).

And before his death he has succeded in saving the sum of $37.5 Miilion U.S.D (thirty seven million five hundred thousand dollars.) left in a fixed suspense account with a bank here in Abidjan which i am the next of kin. My dad has planed to purchase and import some cocoa processing machines and the development of another factory, unfortunately he did not meet his target before his untimely death The reason  why i contacted you for help is due to the agreement my late father had with the bank during the deposit.
I have been denied access to withdraw the money from the bank, the bank manager told me precisely that the money was deposited in a suspense fixed account with a clause attached to it for onward transfer into a foreign bank account. I have tryed all i could, but the bank manager advised me to look for a foreign account where the money can be transfered into before i can have access to it.

Since security here can not be guaranteed, besides i've lost my family and my father's company was burnt down in that rebel attack.  Right now i am in great sufferings and difficulty, i can't feed myself because i have spent all the money i have. Please i am begging you to do me a favor by standing as my guardian and receiver of the money on my behalf, or you can stand as my late father's foreign business partner to enable the bank to transfer my late dad's money into your account.

I have suffered in so much pain since i lost my family. my uncle has been after my life because of this money but he did not know exactly where the money was deposited, so i have decided to go out of this country and invest in your country if you will accept to receive the transfer. I will be investing in industrial production as soon as the bank has made the transfer to you, and you make an arrangement for me to come over to your country after this money is transfered to you.

Please my dear, if you will help me realise this transfer and get me out of this pain, You will have 15% of the total money as compensation for your effort, and another 5% for any other expense you might made after a successful transfer by the bank into your account, and that will total your own share of the transfer 20%. Please i am begging you to help me by indicating your interest in your reply to this mail if willing.
Please permit me to ask, can you honestly help me as your own person and can i completely trust you? Please i kindly requesting for this vital information from you if you agreed to assist me out of my problem: (1) Your full name (2) Your Personal telephone number and fax.I will also  want you to tell me more about yourself in your reply to my mail to you.

I will be expecting your urgent reply as soon as posible. Thanks and may God bless you have a nice day hope to hear from you soon.

Yours Sincerely
Miss Ann Zaky

Ha!  An obvious rouse!  Just how did I come to such a conclusion!  Marvel at my powers of dedudction which make Sherlock Holmes look more like Inspector Gadget:
Dear Wacky Zaky,

I can see through your lies.  This is an obvious scam and I am calling the police, the Royal Navy, and my nan to find out what I can do to stop you.

Are you wondering what gave you away?  Well, your story is completely believable, and I had a similar problem a few years ago.  My father tried to cross the road and his foot was run over by a smart car.  The shock made him drop his wallet, which was promptly stolen by a seagull.  There was no Christmas that year.  Or any other year for that fact, it seems that a series of unlikely circumstances always fell around the festive season.

No, I realised because you said you were from the fictional country of Ivory Coast.  Hahaha!  A whole coast made out of ivory?  Pull the other one, love!
Now we move onto the third one!  Here's another millionaire who wishes to send me money, and pictures of herself!  Here we go again:

Hello Dearest One,

How are you today, Please accept my sincere apologises if my email does not meet your business or personal ethics, I really like to have a good relationship with you, and I have a special reason why I decided to contact you because of the urgency of my situation here.

Please I write not only to introduce myself to you, but also tender a joint investment business proposal for your considerations and acceptance. I know that receipt of my communication shall be a great surprise to you considering the fact that we did not know each other or had any business negotiations before now, I am also aware of the fact that there is a lot of fraudulent business proposals circulating around the world, which makes it imperative for one to be extremely careful before accepting and venturing any business proposal from unfamiliar person like me.

I however, pray your respected self not to allow the above unnatural abnormalities to influence your decision to accept my genuine proposal and intentions which undoubtedly would be of immense mutual benefits to both of us. I pledge to you for urgent and dedicated attention which this issue deserves.

I deem it necessary to introduce myself in detail for you and the need for your assistance to claim and invest my inheritance for me, I am Miss. Ellen Thomas D. Voer Hanson, 26years old girl from Liberia, the only daughter of Late National Bank of Liberia Governor, Thomas Hanson who died on June 8, 2009 at the Delaware County Memorial Hospital inUpper Darby from a massive stroke. Meanwhile he had earlier undergone a kidney transplant in april 2009 at the university hospital of pennsylvania in philadelphia.

I am constrained to contact you because of the maltreatment I, am receiving from my step mother. She planned to take away all my late father's treasury and properties from me since the unexpected death of my beloved Father.

Meanwhile I wanted to escape to the Europe but they hide away my international passport and other valuable traveling documents. Luckily they did not discover where I kept my Father's File which contains important documents. So I decided to run to the refugee camp where I am presently seeking asylum under the United Nations High Commission for the Refugee here in Ouagadougou Republic of Burkina Faso. I wish to contact you personally for a long term business relationship and investment assistance in your country.

My father secretly deposited the sum of US$3,628, 000.00 in one of the prime bank with my name as the next of kin. However, I shall forward you with the necessary information of the deposit on confirmation of your acceptance to assist me for the transfer and investment of the fund in your country. As you will also help me in an investment, and I will like to complete my studies, as I was in the school in Monrovia-Liberia, before the death of my father.

It is my intention to compensate you with 15% of the total money for your services and the balance shall be my investment capital. This is the reason why I decided to contact you. Please all communications should be through this email address only for confidential purposes. As soon as I receive your positive response showing your interest I will put things into action immediately. In the light of the above, I shall appreciate an urgent message indicating your ability and willingness to handle this transaction sincerely.

I am staying at the female hostel. Awaiting your urgent and positive response. Please do keep this only to your self please I advice you not to disclose it to a third party till I come over, once the fund has been transferred into your account. I hope my explanation is very clear but if you need further clarification, then send in your questions.I will try to scan my picture to send in my next mail.

Thanks as I hope to receive from you soon.

Yours Sincerely
Miss Ellen Thomas D. Voer Hanson
I could never be rude to someone who was in Hanson!  I must help at once!

Dear Miss Umm Bop Hanson,

I can identify with your dilemma.  My step mother is always causing me grief, telling me that I need to get a proper job to support her daughter and our 7 kids.  Apparently, selling moss door-to-door doesn't "put food on the table" (unless you are prepared to eat moss).

As a result, I want to help you in your hour of need.  Not for any monetary reward, you understand, but to sock it mother-in-laws everywhere!  Just tell me what you need to know, and I will help you.

Also, I'm looking forward to seeing your picture.


This one doesn't like to mess around:

Hello Dearest One,
I am happy to hear that you want to help.  I am happy that you understand my emergency situation.

Please do not think of me as rude, as what I am about to ask for is of most privacy.  If you appreciate that this is unusual circumstance I am sure that we will benefit enormously from this in the end.  Please send me the following details:

1. Name and address
2. Name of bank
3. Account number
4. Sort code
5. Telephone number

Once I have this information the transfer will take up to five banking days to complete.  During this time I trust that you will be patient while the payment occurs.  I will find it difficult to communicate with you over the next few days due to my situation.

Yours Sincerely
Miss Ellen Thomas D. Voer Hanson

No picture, and no way of talking to you once I hand over my details.  In the words of Eric Cartman; you're busting my balls here...

Dear Ted Danson,

I have looked all over my bank statements for these details, but due to my crippling illiteracy, I am struggling to find this information.  There's a four, followed by some shapes which could be anything, and some sort of hieroglyph of a man with a bird's face.  He looks hungry.  I apologise, but I'm going to need more instruction on how to get this information.

I could scan it in for you, but since you didn't send me a scan of your picture, I don't think that's very fair, do you?  If you show me yours, I'll show you mine.

Yours Yoursingly,

Alan Paige

This is when Miss Ellen implodes, leaving only a rather impatient scam artist.

Dear Sir

I can not scan as no access is available at female shelter.  Please send details as soon as possible as time is due to expire.

Miss Ellen Thomas D. Voer Hanson
I'm sorry folks, I tried to get you a picture, I really did.  Time to wrap this one up:

Dear Tiny Dancer,

I do not think our transaction will be able to go ahead.  I went down to the bank and shouted at the clerk, demanding "GIVE ME THE DETAILS FOR LIBERIAN MILLIONS!".  I was thrown out of the bank, and my account is about to be closed due to my "unreasonable behaviour", and for trying to urinate into the ATM machine that same evening.  

This means I am due to lose my life savings unless I transfer the money into a new account.  Please send me your account number and sort code, and I'll deposit the money and let you keep 2% of the total £13.93.


Alan Paige

Monday, 7 November 2011

Too Many Fucks

The UN has announced that the population of Earth has reached a staggering 7 billion.  If you're having trouble picturing that number, that's 7,000,000,000, or the equivalent of the combined IQ rating of 3.5 Billion P.E. teachers.

So, what does this mean?  Well, for starters, it's going to be easier to meet new people.  You'll probably meet a lot of folks when you're scrabbling around a dust pit, fighting over the last withered, irradiated carrot in a post-apocalyptic wonderland.  Also, it will increase your chances of bumping into someone in a doorway, so you'll move to the side to let them pass, only for them to do the same thing out of politeness.  Then you'll try again and, what a to do, they also move with you.  You both smile, and then do the exact same thing a third time.  It's a miracle our species has survived this long when we stuck in the doorways of doom until the day we die, but I digress.

In other words, we're overpopulated.  About 2 billion over the ideal amount, to be exact.  Ever since Hitler selfishly stopped having war with everyone, the population has exploded (in a numerical sense, not in a bombing sense).  Advances in science, medicine, and lingerie means that people are living longer and having children at an exponential rate.  This means that, if current consumption rates continue to rise in this manner, the planet will run out of cookies by the year 2024.  If this doesn't force the UN to come up with a solution, then perhaps the lesser side effects of running out room, food, fuel, and everyone boiling to death might sway their decision.

Simon Cowell's tooth whitening treatment, as seen from space.

So what can we do to curb population growth?  Apparently, mass genocide isn't an option, so we need to educate people about safe sex.  In developing countries where the birth rates are highest, there are a lot women who don't have access to family planning advice and medicine.  We need a celebrity campaign to get the word out and stop people breeding so prolifically. Perhaps promoting prophylactics is the way forward.  We can hire a sexy celebrity, like Beyonce, and get her to promote sexual health.  We could even retool some of her songs for this purpose:

"If you like it (The Earth), then you should have put a thing (A condom) on it (your penis)."

Perhaps not quite as snappy as the original, but I think the message is clear.  It's also not quite as confusing as "my body's too bootilicious for stretch marks, baby".

Speaking of number of births, those of us in Western civilisation have started to view children as tiny parasitic monstrosities who hold us back and stop us from achieving great things, and as such, our birth rates have dropped.  In England in the near future, there will be more old people than young in a ratio of 5:1.  That's 5 complaints to the BBC for every 1 viewer of a slightly antagonistic comedy, or 10 purchases of Werther's Originals compared to...actually, I like Werther's Originals.  People in the Pacific Basin don't seem to share these views, and this is where most new people are being born.

For you stats fans out there, 19.3% of the World's population live in China, whilst 17% live in India.  That's 36.3% of everyone living in just 2 countries.  This means that the average name must surely be Sanjeev Chang as opposed to John Smith.  Also, Singapore is the most densely populated country, with 6,535 people packed into every square kilometer.  Luckily for these people, neighbour disputes can be conducted at a whisper.  In terms of density, the UK ranks in at 255 per square kilometer, which seems really rather high.  Of course, we could spread out and reduce this statistic if we were allowed to live in the nearest Tesco, but the managers wouldn't accept this excuse when I climbed into the bed section just after closing time.

A typical Indian scene.  The only time British people gather in numbers like this is for a murder trial.

Back in the annals of time, before agriculture was invented, and when flag semaphore was the preferred method of communication, the human population stood at a steady 1 million people.  Doesn't that sound fantastic?  It would have been a lot easier to be a unique trend setter back in those days.  Simply putting a shoe on your head would have been a stroke of genius, and emos might have seemed quirky.

This suggests to me that there is only one way forward, and that is the banishment agriculture.  Anyone caught growing a plant on purpose, cultivating the land, or running water through man-made constructs, will be blasted into the atmosphere.  It's the humane thing to do.