Congratulations On Seducing My Ex

Hey Brad,

Just thought I’d send you a quick email to let you know how pleased I am that you’ve started dating my ex girlfriend. 

I’m so happy that my best friend has moved in with the love of my life, just two weeks after we split up.  She could have met someone much worse, like Crackhead Larry down the street, or that German man across the way who I’m sure loves to eat people's ears.  Instead, she’s found comfort in dear, dependable Brad.  Did you need someone to split the rent with since you lost your job at Poundland?  No, no, I’m sure this is all about love.  Eternal, everlasting love.

To show you how totally and utterly fine I am about the situation, I thought I’d give you some hot tips on how to make your relationship work.  Remember, I was with Michelle for 5 years, so I’ve learned a lot about her, what makes her tick, and what she hates.  I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I did and wind up crying into your cereal every day, playing “our song” over and over on the radio, or making an effigy of your love rival and burning it in the back garden while chanting ancient voodoo spells. 

I’m totally over that now, honestly.  To show there are no hard feelings, have a look at this list of ways in which to woo the lovely Michelle.

1)     If there’s one thing Michelle hates, its sex.  Well, not sex as a whole, but she hates conventional sex.  There are only three things guaranteed to get her in the mood.

A)   She doesn’t have normal erogenous zones.  Kissing her neck or touching her...you know, won’t work.  Instead, you have to lick her armpits.  It’s best to do this when she’s asleep, so she wakes up to a nice surprise.  Do this, and she’ll be riding you like an Indian on the roof of a speeding train.

B)   She enjoys being tickled to the point where she pees herself.  Again, it’s best to do this when she’s asleep, but under no circumstances must you stop, even if she threatens to slice your nipples off between bouts of laughter.

C)   She really likes role play.  The best thing to do is buy an Advanced Dungeons & Dragons box set, make her be a Halfling, and slay her in the first five minutes with a dragon.  She’ll be so impressed that she’ll have you any which way.

What women want

2)    Invite her mother over for tea at least every other day.  Michelle gets on great with her mum, and you will too!  You’ll instantly be volunteered for the next 10 years worth of church fetes, and you’ll certainly enjoy the overwrought stories about how Auntie Betty didn’t leave any money in her will to anyone.  You’ll also be scrutinised over every aspect of your personality and how much money you’re spending on the relationship.  Sounds like heaven, huh?

3)    Michelle is a pet person.  There isn’t a single pet in the world that she doesn’t like, so your best bet is to fill her life with as many animals as possible.  Turn her sock drawer into a tarantula breeding ground.  Dig a viper’s nest in the back garden.  Send her a bouquet of lizards at work.

4)    Don’t be a sissy. Michelle likes her men to be manly men, and that includes all the disgusting territory associated with men.  If you pee on the toilet seat (delivering a generous sprinkle to behind the cistern), that’s a good way to make your mark.    Sit around in your pants for most of the day, drinking beer and scratching.  Bathe once a week, allowing your manly aroma to slowly permeate its way through the household.

5)    Michelle is a very down to earth person.  She likes eating out, but doesn’t enjoy all the pomp and circumstance associated with fine dining.  Chablis and lobster puree don’t do anything for her at all, so don’t take her to a dimly lit romantic hotspot.  Take her to Hooters.  The free-flowing beer and ample ladies will make her appreciate how lucky she is to have you, when you could have one of those rollerskating babes instead.  It will, under no circumstances, destroy her self esteem and poison your relationship, I guarantee it.

6)    Hack her email account and check her Facebook messages on a daily basis.  Make hints that you know who she’s been talking to online, and send abusive messages to any rival suitors.  This proves to her that you care, and also makes you look super cool when you threaten to pulverise her old school friends.

7)    If there’s one thing she loves, it’s a guy with a sense of humour.  Show off this light-hearted side of your personality whenever you’re out in public.  As she’s talking to someone, slide over next to her, grab her breasts, and make comedy honking noises.  If you go to a fancy dress party, go as a minstrel.  Proclaim loudly how ironic your costume is, because that’s what someone with no sense of humour and poor taste would go as.

Catnip!  Catnip!

8)    Michelle doesn’t have any hobbies or interests whatsoever.  If she declares a love of art and wants to go to an art class every Wednesday evening, this is a test.  Lock the doors and windows, and hide the car keys.  Art class is code for “I’m going to shag your best friend behind your back” (that’s how you two got together in the first place).

9)    If you want to cook her a meal for her birthday next Tuesday (you knew that already, didn’t you?), then you can’t go far wrong with Pig’s Bladder Pie.  This is Michelle’s favourite dish.  When you make it, you need to make sure the bladder is fresh and full of nutrients.  You can do this by buying a micro pig for her birthday, then slaughtering it brutally in the kitchen later that day.  Take pictures of the event, and make them into a scrapbook for an extra present.

10) To prove your commitment to her, you need to hand over a piece of your soul to her.  Failing that, you can always give her a body part.  Perhaps one of your toes that you don’t need, or your left testicle (the one that does the least work.  The lazy bollock).  This shows dedication.  Women love it when men mutilate themselves for love, especially when they don’t take appropriate medical precautions.

Please keep in touch and let me know how all of this works out for you.  If things go well, perhaps we could do some double dating sometime.  Oh that’s right, I forgot to tell you about my new girlfriend, Sandra.  She’s blonde, 21, and was made in Taiwan, I mean she flew over from Taiwan.  Anyway keep in touch!

Addman

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