For those of you who read Muppets For Justice regularly, you may have been dismayed to see that I missed my usual schedule and failed to post anything last Friday. For the first time in the 1.5 years of a serious posting regimen, I failed to stick to a deadline.
Before you boycott me over this heinous crime, allow me to explain. That's right, I have an airtight excuse for my unexplained absence.
As you're no doubt aware, last Friday was the 21st. Apocalypse day, as I prefer to call it.
|This is going to put a real crimp on my day|
You should have heard about this event already. Every Blogger out there posted up about how the apocalypse failed to materialise, like a happy ending at my local elderly massage parlour. Well, I don't know where everyone else was looking, but the apocalypse occurred in full force round my end. It would seem that the Mayans were not predicting the end of the ENTIRE world, just a small part of it of localised entirely around rural Derbyshire.
On Thursday I began suspecting the worst after reading about the end of days in respectable publications such as The Daily Mail and the apocalypse industry's official magazine, Armageddon Monthly. I stocked up on corned beef tins (because that shit lasts longer than Godzilla's first dump of the day) and a few shotgun shells, then boarded myself in the attic.
As time ticked slowly onward towards the demise of planet Earth, I began to suspect that I was overreacting. I mean, there was no scientific proof that the world would end. No unusual seismic activity, no meteor on a collision course, and no viral outbreaks. In fact, one would say that everything was completely normal. That was until the laser-skeletons showed up.
They phased their way through my boarded up doors and shot at me with their heat-vision. I ducked out of the way, cocked my gun and let loose with both barrels. The bullets sailed straight through them as they have no corporeal form, suggesting to me that they might be German in origin.
One of the laser-skeletons passed his neon-tetra palm through my dog, causing him to spontaneously combust in a furry inferno. As the smell of charred Pedigree Chum reached my nostrils, that was when I decided that I'd had enough.
Touching one of them would mean instant death by flamey, and they couldn't be hurt by objects from the physical realm. So, how do you kill a laser-skeleton? Remembering many movies and TV shows from my childhood, I picked up a bin lid and threw it like a frisbee.
I won't explain the science as it's far too complicated for your puny minds to comprehend, but basically a shiny bin lid can reflect a laser, causing the laser-skeleton to fall apart like a damp cake. I spent the rest of the day throwing bin lids at laser-skeletons until I saved the whole town, was given the key to existence by Buddha himself (sorry Christians) and all the women in the town lined up to fellate me. After such a hectic day I decided that I'd just call it a night, after feeding my Pegasus on some sun rays and faerie dandruff.
So yeah, that was my apocalypse. I don't want to hear about your banal, uneventful apocalypses because you don't know what really happened. You weren't there man, you weren't there.
|Pew pew pew|
If anyone was upset by Friday's absence then I can only offer you my sincerest apologies. Unfortunately, I have one more teensy nugget of bad news for you all. Muppets For Justice will be closed for the festive season. This highly unspectacular post is the most you're going to hear from me until 2013. I promise I will do better next year, I'll make a resolution or something. Until then, enjoy your binge eating and I'll see you in the future.