Friday, 16 November 2007

Addman MC: In Ya Fridge

Yo yo yo, word up ma homies. For those wondering where I've been, I've been involved in a few other writing projects here, there and everywhere. As such, my creative writing juices have been spent like a virgin's first load, leaving me little to spew here. As much as it saddens me, I will be focussing my attentions elsewhere, so after this, consider the blog on temporary hold from me. Fort may or may not do updates, but I understand that he has educational commitments.

So on with the show. I recently took time out to visit a Facebook group of badass gangsta rappers, where I was obviously within my element, joining my fellow MCs in death defying feats of lyrical agility. After sampling a few of their lukewarm "Flavas", I decided that they really need to taste some of my own gormet riddims and began to engage them in battle. Some of them were ruthless, some of them were mean, but all of them fell by the wayside. Here's Addman MC, coming at atchya, like gorgonzola! Yo!

First off, I posted on the group's wall to introduce myself and to see how nicely my fellow rappers would accept me. Here's my first post:

"Yo yo yo, aww you done did it now! Son, you about to schooled!

See, all you wannabes can say what you like,
But yo skills're worth nuttin' next to mine on the mic,
Graham Supermarket, keep on stacking those cans,
Imma hit you from behind, into the frozen hams,
Mr Harris, you ain't worth shit to us bros,
Imma dress you in a boob tube like you're one of ma hoes,
Tim Cammack, you sure you wanna battle?
Cos' when I take to the stage I'm roundin' y'all up like cattle!
As for pierre, what the hell're you on?
Dragonballs in yo' pic, damn you're shit is da bomb! (Sarcastic!)
You better check on yo sister, I'm sure that you missed her,
Cuz she's suckin' on ma dick, while I stand here and diss ya,
She's got a blister on her fist from pounding on ma sphincter,
So you should shut up before I get MC Hammer to kiss ya,
Peace out, pussays!"

Not my best, but I'm sure you'll agree DAT IZ SOM HOT SHIT! I referenced a lot of people who were posting on the wall, sure that they would acknowledge me and hail me with gratitude for enriching their lives with my rhymes. But alas, trouble was aloof. A fellow named Pierre had another idea:

"New definition of fag, Names Addman
He the type of dude that talks to boys and chop sex toys
That sock from my mouth gonna hit you over the head
"Clean up in alise three" Now this adam is dead
You a graham, im a fully kilo, yu superhoe
better off getting brandon to ghost write your flow
Ill rip you Harris like a fresh wet tisue
Couldn't back up your lyrics this is why I had to diss you
Leave the group right now, cuz I surely wouldn't miss you
With every single line, Yonge Kane has just dismissed you
Don Mac! Leaving all the mothers speechless
I dont give a fuck, I teach this, this is the thesis
I piss in the Supermarket halls dumb fuck
You got a trolley, go and park it, cuz your Running out of luck
Not only that, but you seem to only e running your mouth
Have 50 goons with me, who dun ready to run up in yo house
If I didn't mention you now, then it wont be lata
Got yo whole crew in a Lox, like Alkada Jada

I shall not stand for this discrepancy. Pure heresy I declare!

"A'ight, you low ass, trippin' fools, time to teach you what time it is!

Y'all better get ready, I've got a machette,
I'm cutting straps off yo dresses, bitch, stop acting petty,
Pierre Mc Allister, dressed up in drag,
And he has the audacity to call ME a fag!
I heard his best dress is a Louis Vitton,
But he doesn't wear it because he put a bit of weight on,
You are such a n00b you make me L.O.L,
Imma spawn camp yo mama, how'd like that?
Pow! Right in the kisser! Straight off the bat!
I don't need a beat, all I need is piece,
Mac 22 foo' and I'm disruptin' the peace,
I'll pull up outside your local pub, The Golden Fleece,
I'll fill everyone who looks like you with lead from my beast,
Then I'm off in sunset, ridin' ma pimped out scooter,
But they'll never catch me, cuz no one even saw the shooter,
Cos I'm like a ghostly ninja, you won't know I'm there,
Till I scalp ya and run away wearing ya hair!

Mother Lover yo!"

Anyway, this Pierre loser was obviously not worth my time so I posted another just to show how great I was:

"Yo, y'all be spitting that shit yo,
None of y'all got skills, y'all like a ho,
Bitch shut yo mouths up, you damn crazy fools,
None y'all can step to me, you just ain't as cool,
Y'all better be ready, I fly past, y'all wave
Cos I'ma take a leaf from my man, Flava Flav,
We be tokein' up tha highway, tearing shit up to wrecks,
With' grandfather clocks strapped round our fuckin' necks,
Me and tha Fresh Prince gonna bust you up man,
Me, Will and Vanilla Ice have concocted a plan,
To jump you outside of Spar, or Kwik Fit,
You nitwit, dipshit, gonna be throwin' a fit,


Of course, these low ass trippin' foo's just didn't know when they were beaten. A chap named Peter N called me a pussy and challenged me to a battle. Here's how it went down:

"Yo Peter N, I'm callin' you out man! Let's spit this shit right here right now. Raps can be as long as you like, but I'm warning you man, when I get serious, peeps be runnin' fo' their rides!

Ok, yo, yo gimmie a beat.

Peter N, I heard what you been sayin',
You got beef wit me, let's get straight to the slayin',
I'm gonna charge up like I'm a super saiyan,
And blow you smelly peeps up who all be playin',
Me and ma crew are gonna jump you,
Jump out of a sewer, and you won't have a clue,
Yeah, we don't care about getting dirty,
Whereas you can't take an insult without gettin' shirty,
You are scared of woodland creatures, like squirrels in your sneakers,
Don't act like a coward or I'll be all up in your peepers,
I'ma put you in a room and make you watch Jeepers Creepers,
And then the sequel after, you won't dare go to sleepers,
Cos that's when we'll get you, we'll come at you in your dreams,
We can do that, bitch, and we'll fill your head with steam,
Yeah, we'll do our ironing on your brain, how'd you like that?
Then we'll jump up and down in it, and make it all flat,
Like a cow pat,

Eventually, the dastardly Peter C surfaced with venom in his teeth:

"Addman, calm down u 2 lame man/
A piece of gum stuck n dis fuckin game man/
Talkin bout slayin, sprayin, n goin super saiyan/
I'm a SSJ4 nigga! Better start prayin/
Ur style is 2 old ,just like a cave man/
Ill wreck u every day man, dis game aint 4 play man/
Leave u with missing body parts, floks will call u Rayman/
Slap u in da face, then backhand u with da same hand/
U a brave man, but yo raps I pity/
U jumpin outta sewers proves yo style is shitty/
Cow pat? Cmon dawg u wasting ya lines/
Call it quits bitch cuz ya just wasting my time/"

Then he came out with the following:

Peter C: "squirrels in my sneakers? going to sleepers? ironing my brain? cmon now dawg u gotta make more sense than that! I hope that was a practice rap"

"Yo, yo, yo, here we go,

I was warming up man, but now I'm white hot,
I'll be all over you like used tickets in a parking lot,
You think that I am whack, then look back at yoself,
Did you put that rhyming dictionary back on the shelf?
I'm just professin' that I think you need a new profession,
Take yo' ass to the clergy and you can give confession,
Just make sure you don't give the choir boys a centre partin',
While they sucking on you dawg, and you're pleasurably fartin',
Don't take it personally man, if it weren't for this rap game,
We wouldn't have no beef and I wouldn't know your name,
But since we're here, I'ma make sure to destroy you,
With ma shoulder missles man, and land mines deployed too,
I'm like a lyrical transformer, a brother in disguise,
You stepping up to me, I crush your head in my metal thighs,
I'm badder than Megatron, more evil than Knievel,
Whereas you a pansy ass, low down weevil,
That Rayman insult man, what the fuck was that?
Rayman's a superhero, and he kicks ass, you twat."

Yes, I knew I had him! I debunked him and made a reference to gay clergymen, this is surely the post of kings!

Unfortunately, I then found myself banned. BANNED! ME! I guess the group just wasn't ready for amazing skills.

Tuesday, 6 November 2007

Anime Conventions

So for next year a couple of friends have convinced me to go to an Anime Con with them down in London, I am not a great fan on Anime - and then main reason I'm going is I enjoy spending time with my friends - but there are a few things I fear, being surrounded by Japanese porn lovers, fat men dressed as Sailor moon, and those socially ostracized enough that saying hello to them will cause them to break down into tears.
Alright, call this a bland and cruel generalization of those in the Western World that enjoy Anime and attend its social (oxymoron) gatherings - but let's face it, amongst all the normal people I may be meeting there will be a select group of people that will scare the Ba-jebus out of you or me.
Let me just dig myself out of the deep hole I am no-doubt digging myself into, people that enjoy anime are fine - I know many anime lovers that are perfectly normal and often quite smart (I'm beginning to sound like Freud here). But anime-cons are "per say" where the funnies come out. Like Goth-festivals or E3, you will have your extremists, and what's more these people are STRANGERS, causing the terror in your gut to expand ten-fold as they explain to you their fascination with Sailor Moon's pantylining in Season 3.

However I am one step ahead of these funnies when I attend this Anime-con, almost a year ahead of them in-fact! I already have bought my Monocle and Top hat, and once I get my wooden cane of backside whipping from Amazon - I can knock any of the terrifying approaches back with one swift stroke and the phrase "Not today, not in my Blighty!"

Damn it's great being normal.

Tuesday, 11 September 2007

Speed Blog #1

In order to increase my blog output ratio, I've decided to set myself a little challenge. Every now and then, I will set myself a maximum of five minutes to write up a blog, and the topic can be anything that immediately springs to mind. Here's the first in what may become a regular feature around here, so please be gentle on me, I know not what I do.


I'm not a big fan of breakfast, but if I was forced to eat it at gunpoint by someone who is extremely concerned about my dietary needs, I'd have to choose Ready Brek. Ready Brek is just like any other porridge really, but a dollop of jam or some chocolate buttons really sets the thing off. It's delicious.

Alternatively, I must be the only person I know who can still stand the taste of Cornflakes. Most people say they taste bland, but a sprinkle of sugar, and waiting a moment for the flakes to become limp and soggy in tasty milk is divine. I enjoy the odd bowl of Cornflakes, but I usually eat it in the evenings like some sort of bizzarro person. I also enjoy the sensation of brushing my teeth then drinking orange juice, so I must hate everything that normal people love. I don't love loosing however, so maybe that theory should go on the pile of failed theories I occasionally come up with, like the Theory Of The Elderly. Basically, the closer you are to an old person, multiplied by the desire to walk around them, usually results in the OAP becoming slower and slower, and also the number of old people that will appear just to randomly chat in front of you. However, this theory has been abandoned due to those disabled buggies (or OAPMobiles), as this makes the infirm much more efficient in their daily travel requirements. Of course, the amount of toes that get crushed due to speeding buggies has risen dramatically.


Phew, well that was fruitless, pointless, and frankly, a damn waste of time. I'll have to do these more often! I'm quite gutted at just how little I actually managed to write, but I decided that what I wrote up first wasn't good enough. It was a thesis on organised religion being conversely relational to the volume of global yoghurt consumption, and was simply too overwhelming for such a small time constraint, and therefore I deleted it. And now I've forgotten it. Easy come, easy go I guess...

Friday, 7 September 2007

A Special Message

I'm afraid today's blog is a little more on the serious side than usual, as I have a solemn subject to touch upon. I'm here to tell you about the poor conditions, and cruel treatment, given to one of natures most overlooked creatures. Now I know you're thinking "But Addman, since when did you care about the environment? Aren't you solely responsible for melting a large chunk of the Northern Glaciers?" but I have turned a new corner, and I am offering refuge to a certain type of mistreated animal. I am, of course referring to the Bobbing Bird.

Bobbing Birds have been living domesticated alongside us for many years now, but I am shocked by just how many terrible people place them in terrible conditions and don't take care of them correctly. This type of mistreatment has gone on for much too long, and I plan to wrong this right (or right this wrong, I get confused with turns of phrase) by opening my very own Bobbing Bird Sanctuary, right here in England. But in order to do that, we at Muppets For Justice need your donations.

You may not realise just how many of these birds are illegally sold into the rare trade market, to owners who merely want them as a status symbol. Bobbing Birds are a rare species, and as such, highly sought after in these materialistic times by collectors. We checked on eBay, and found thousands of birds for sale, which shows you the scale of this barbaric poaching operation.

This is Bobby. Bobby was found balanced precariously on a richety bookshelf, bobbing away to ease the pain. He was forced to drink stale water from a stained cup continously by his twisted owners. His feet were covered in dust and had obviously been left to his own devices for months by a callous carer. With your donations, as you can see, we can raise the money we need to keep their drinking water fresh, and the clean glasses they need to stay healthy.

This is Mona and her daughter Lisa, mother and daughter, who were found crammed into a small drawer along with broken electronic goods and other waste. They'd been left there like some sort of unwanted, disposable, consumer good. We questioned the child who was supposed to take care of these loving creatures, and he said they were a Christmas present which he didn't like. Mona and Lisa had been so used to not having enough room to bob their heads that they have virtually forgotten how to do so. With your help, we can pay our team of animal experts (with PHDs in Birdology and Bobistics) to give them the physiotherepy they need to bob their heads once again, like nature intended.

This is Darrell being reintroduced to fresh water once more. His previous owners left him on top of a toilet and treated him as though he were a toy! Darrell is well into our recovery program and is nearly ready to be put up for adoption. If you wish to adopt a Bobbing Bird such as Darrell, please leave your contact numbers as comments in this blog, and we'll send you a brochure of the work we do, along with the forms you need to help us save them from their torturous owners. Darrell needs the love and attention of someone who truly cares for him. Could you be that person?

As you can tell, this is obviously serious work that requires a lot of funding. Funding which we severely lack, and we can only do so much for these little miracles of nature on pure love alone. We need your donations. For only £10 per month, you will recieve a care pack every month with information on our operation, a special note from your selected bird, and a pamphlet detailling what you can do to save the Bobbing Bird population.

Thank you, and remember, a bird bobs for life, not just for Christmas.

Friday, 31 August 2007

Don't Hate The Player

You lucky folks get a whole two updates today! You know why? Because I typed one up yesterday and forgot to publish it. Call me a fool if you must, but nothing could even come close to the insult I recieved in my inbox during the course of yesterday evening.

I got an email from some random hotmail address that just appeared to be a bunch of random characters strewn together by the forces of evil. I was mortified when I opened it up and saw the following message:

addman just stop it. curl up and die

Wow, such a harsh criticism has left a poisonous barb lodged within my heart with no hope of recovery. So this what Steve Irwin must have felt like. I honestly have no idea what I've said or done to illicit such a strong reaction, and I can only assume it's something to do with this blog, since I don't really have a strong online presence anywhere else where people might hate me.

Well mystery reader, if you were hoping for a mention, then you got it. I hope this satisfies you enough so that this doesn't escalate into writing death notes with your own faeces and creating voodoo dolls of me out of your own armpit hair. I hope you won't sneak into my house at night and move my furniature around slightly, thus shocking me in the morning when I notice that the dining room table has shifted three inches! I hope that you won't study mind control, then enter my dreams and begin cooing "stop it, you curler!" over and over until I scoop my frontal lobes out. Threats over the internet are very serious business, and as such, I shall be ringing NetCops in order to provide my blog with 24 hour protection from terrible internet predators.

Despite my absolute terror, I have to really admire the subtle nuances of the above insult. They could have gone down the usual tried and tested paths and come up with something generic, but instead they plucked this golden nugget right out of the air. Golden air! I know that if it were me, I'd have probably written something immensely boring like:

Dear Addman,

I apologise intensively for disrupting the usual flow of viagra and FW: RE: RE: CHECK THIS CHIX TITS!!!!11 emails that you'd usually recieve, but I felt it was of paramount importance to contact you today.

I found your latest blog update to be rather corse and dire, and as such, I shall not be reading your blog anymore. Please find attached a detailled list of what was wrong with your update, and how to rectify it in the future. Until you sort out your act, I feel the need to insult you, so here goes:

Addman, you were concieved on the day that a hobo and a raging schizophreniac decided that a heavy mixture of moonshine and unprotected sex would be an adequate solution to resolve the incredible itch in their genitals, and was abandoned shortly after birth when the pair of them were chased away by some fire-breathing dandilions they thought they saw. I believe you spent most of your childhood living as an animal in your adoptive parents backyard, and being fed hallucinogens as a reward for doing tricks.

Anyway, I close this piece of electronic mail by saying that you sir, are woefully inept and there is not a soul alive who cares to listen to your dribble. Good day!

But of course, his is easier to read, which makes it much better. I hope that my mystery antagoniser reads this and realises that he's won, thus leaving me alone to browse my viagra mails in peace. You hear me?! YOU'VE WON! PLEASE DON'T REMOVE MY EYELIDS!

EDIT: Today's post was proof read by Zoid, whos guinea pig has tricked him.

Tuesday, 28 August 2007

1000 Hit Count Party!

As you've no doubt noticed, we have hit yet another rather pointless milestone which is just little more than an excuse for a kind of celebratory article that will show this blog in a positive light. So, if you'd kindly pretend you have a slice of delicious cake in your hand as you read this, it might make this experience a lot more worthwhile for all involved. Just sit back, don a party hat, and let's explore all the wonderful elements that bring Muppets For Justice together.

Especially for this momentus occasion, here's another back stage look at what goes on behind the scenes of Muppets For Justice.

  • Addman finds a chocolate behind a sofa cushion. Donates to medical science to determine if it's edible.
  • After experimenting with fancy new titles for 10 minutes in Microsoft Word, the new, psychodelic Muppets For Justice logo is uploaded to the blog.
  • Logo causes 217 Japanese children to go into spasm. Fearing lawsuit, the logo is changed to a static, blue format.
  • Logo causes 380 photo-sensitive children who are succeptable to the colour blue to go into spasm.
  • The staff at MFJ prove that jam is better than marmalade.
  • After a post praising the recent Rush Hour film, Jackie Chan teaches the MFJ writers everything he knows, including a traditional folk song, and how to Macarena correctly.
  • A recent court appearance has Fort declaring to the Media "That money was just resting in my account before I moved it on!"
  • After lengthy battle with incontinence, Addman's dog told to "Hit The Road!"
  • Backlash from readers after Muppets For Justice spoil the ending of the latest Harry Potter book (Harry grows up to be Gandalf).
  • After a recent outbreak of Foot And Mouth, cows are banned from reading the blog, lest the terrible disease finds a way to travel through monitors.
  • Cow community in uproar after Addman and Fort seen attending Anti-Bovine rally.
  • Publicist fired after describing MFJ as "A slightly more pleasant sensation than stapling your genitals to Joan Collins whilst gargling the blended remains of your childhood pets."
  • The MFJ Audiobook (Read by Mickey Rourke) is pulled before release due to CD covers featuring a profile shot of the writers. Ratings board declare that Mass Vomiting warnings must be placed 10 feet around anywhere selling the Audiobook.
  • Addman buys a bobbing bird to tap F5 repeatedly.
  • 1000 views on the horizon.
  • In order to rectify the hostilities between cow-kind and muppet-kind, Addman is quoted as saying "How can I hate cows? My mum's one!"
  • Mum community appeased after flowers arrived soon afterwards.
  • MFJ writers contract T Virus. Said to be feeling "Brrraaaaains".
  • List ends abruptly due to poor planning.
There, now don't you feel enlightened? Join me next time when I lift the lid on the recent MFJ beach photoshoot.

Thursday, 23 August 2007

Bioshock Anticipation: One More Day To Go


Gamespot Review: 9.0

UK Release Date: 24/08/07

Format: PC and 360

Bioshock is the latest game from the people who bought you System Shock 1 & 2. It's a FPS with an interesting spin on the genre.

Basically, after surviving a plane crash in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, you come across a lighthouse in the middle of nowhere. Upon entering the lighthouse, you find a submarine which takes you down into an underwater city named Rapture, a city where science has been allowed to run unchecked, and as such, has gone completely out of control.

In their little bubble city, they've invented Plasmids, which can give the user specific abilities and almost superhuman capabilities such as firing lightning bolts from your hands, bees coming out of your skin, and telekinesis, all of which you can use to destroy your enemies. The whole society embraced these genetic enhancements, but soon became addicted. Society collapsed, and now, junkies known as Splicers roam the city searching for genetic material from corpses. Of course, you can use these Plasmids yourself. See some Splicers in the water? Zap 'em with electricity and watch them fry. Trap in your way? Use your telekinesis to move it into the path of an oncoming enemy. Create halucinations near deadly land mines and watch the poor suckers walk straight into them.

The stars of the show are the enemies known as Big Daddies and Little Sisters. Little Sisters are little girls who harvest genetic material, and they are under the protection of their Big Daddies, giant, hulking bodyguards that will protect the girl at all costs in exchange for what she harvests. Attack a Little Sister, and you'll have one these guys to answer to. Taking one down is no small feat with conventional weaponry, so you'll most likely have to think of other ways to bring them down. Apparently, there are certain aspects of the game that are effected by your morale decisions in regards to Little Sisters, likely effecting your ending. Bludgeon the little girl to death to take her Plasmids, or free her, it's your call.

I've played through the demo and found it to be one of the most atmospheric games I've ever played. The retro, yet futuristic setting is commendable and gives the game a unique style that instantly appeals. Also, the general mutterings and psycho-babble heard from the increasingly crazy splicers is quite compelling. Such as the woman talking to what you think is a dead baby in a push chair, but turns out to be a revolver gives a sense of morality to the whole proceedings.

If the game is as great as the demo was, this could well be my favourite game ever! The initial reviews look promising, so fingers crossed! Only one more day. Needless to say, this bank holiday weekend is going to be a good one.

Wednesday, 15 August 2007

This Is A Circle

I had one of the most infuriating sales calls the other day. Usually, although I find these types of calls to be rather annoying, I can make light of the situation by simply acting weird or something. But there was something about this woman and the lack of information she'd give me that went far beyond the normal realms of acceptable. Either, she was the world's worst salesperson, or I was on the recieving end of some poorly concieved prank.

For context, I had just picked up the phone at my parent's house, who have been away on holiday for a while, so I wasn't actually lying in the transcript that follows. The conversation went something like this (written as best I can from memory):

Me: Hello?
Woman: ...*Crackles*...
Me: Hello?
Woman: Hello, is that Mr [Dad's name]?
Me: No, he's on holiday.
Woman: ...*Crackles*...
Me: The whole family are on holiday.
Woman: ...You are not Mr [Dad's name]?
Me: No, I just told you.
Woman: Could I ask who you are?
Me: I'm his son.
Woman: You are his son?
Me: ...Yes.
Woman: ...*Crackles*...
Me: ...
Woman: How old are you?
Me: 21, why?
Woman: And how much do you earn?
Me: None of your business, what is this?
Woman: ...*Crackles*...
Me: What is this call about?
Woman: Sir?
Me: Why are you ringing me?
Woman: ...This is a circle.
Me: A circle? What does that mean?!
Woman: ...
Me: What does a circle entail?
Woman: ...Mortgages?
Me: Mortgages? I don't even own this house! And you haven't even told me who you are.
Woman: ...*Crackles*...
Me: Fuck! *hangs up*

The crackling noises appeared to be some sort of background noise, and wasn't down to a poor telephone line. That basically means she was sat there in silence, which was probably the thing which riled me up about this call the most. She didn't say what company she was from, didn't even give me her name, and she just started to ask me personal questions despite the fact that I didn't own the house.

In retrospect, the circle line she spun me is actually pretty amusing because she was so obviously avoiding the question. I've since found out from talking to Lou's Dad that the call was actually illegal, something to do with selling mortagages over the phone and certain times of the day (he's a financial advisor, so I'll take his word for it), so she'd obviously been told not to give out the company name or her own.

By the end I just gave up and hung up on her. I thought telemarketers were supposed to be talkative, and some would say that speaking is a large part of their job. She really wasn't, and talking to her was like swimming through rusty nails.

Anyway, I must dash, as I have an appointment with my oven and copious amounts of gas. Tally bye!

Monday, 13 August 2007

Hidden Achievements!

It has recently come to my attention that games developers have been putting secret achievements into their XBOX 360 games, which have very exceptional parameters to meet. This means that many games actually have 1500 points associated with them, rather than the usual 1000 we have been used to. Here's a list of all the known ones:

Gears Of War

250 Points: Convince someone over XBOX Live that pretending to bum-rape any downed characters isn't funny.

100 Points: Collect the fireflower, and kill 20 wretches with it before meeting Bowser in the castle at the end.

100 Points: Find a public server where all the players are legally old enough to play the game.

50 Points: Refuse to leave your cell at the beginning of the game, preferring the cosy living conditions and free satellite TV given in prisons.

Viva Pinata

250 Points: Dig a deep moat around Seedos, along with a picket fence around him, then direct a Juicygoose to shit on him from above.

250 Points: Breed Leafos with the Hobo.

Call Of Duty 2

100 Points: Beat Hitler in the secret Pool Mini Game.

100 Points: Throw a grenade around the world and kill yourself.

100 Points: Lay down in front of a Nazi tank as a form of non-violent protest.

100 Points: After taking heavy damage, quickly write a meaningful war poem so that students 50 years from now will have to study it in the future.

100 Points: Come to the realisation that war is a fruitless endeavour, even while admiring the Normandy Beach landing sequence.


200 Points: Successfully get killed by a mudcrab.

100 Points: Using a Dark Elf character, attempt to distingish yourself from the background at night, without turning up the brightness.

100 Points: Lead an invasion fleet into Morrowind.

100 Points: Find the Great Gold Blade Of Grass Of Mass Destruction, which can be found somewhere in the fields between Anvil and Cheydinhal.

Vampire's Rain

500 Points: Prove that the game has one, single redeeming feature.

Tenchu Z

250 Points: Take a step without encountering a gameplay-crippling bug of some sorts.

150 Points: Remember the old Tenchu games? Didn't they seem much better?

100 Points: Find an active game on XBOX Live.

Wednesday, 8 August 2007

What The Critics Think Of Us


(5 stars based on 289 reviews)

Categories: Humour, Blogging, Food
Information: Random blog run by two weirdos on the Internet.

Displaying 1-10 of 289

(5 Stars)
Life Changing
By DavieB63

Two months ago, my loving wife of seven years ran away with a police dog named Geoffery, to start a new life Bermuda. After this crushing blow, our two year old daughter divorced me on the grounds that we didn't have enough sweets in the house. To make matters worse, my house fell down due the reverberations of the train lines nearby and subway system underneath.

Just when I thought my luck couldn't get any worse, I turned up to work, only to be told to clear my desk because I ate my boss's yoghurt from the fridge yesterday by mistake. It wasn't even nice or anything.

On my way out of the door, someone passed me a piece of paper to cheer me up. It was Addman's post about the Pangolin King. For the first time in weeks, I laughed. Instantly, I knew that I must promote this piece of art, and I now make a small living from selling Addman related merchandise. I'm getting my life back on track, thanks to Muppets For Justice!

(5 stars)

Astounding By hjmbjmy

I was on death row, and my last request was for ten minutes of Internet access to email my grieving wife. Sure enough, a pop up appeared asking me if I wanted to see something awesome. I can always find time for something awesome, so I clicked, and was redirected to Muppets For Justice. I must admit, the stylish writing and clever jokes from the contributors had me hooked instantly, and I quickly read through every post and memorised some of the hilarious lines, and went to the chair a very happy man.

When the guards asked me why I was smiling, I regailled them with the story of Fort and the whole Pianist Enlargement conversation, where they laughed so hard they accidentally knocked the equipment, which caused it to malfunction. Of course, several thousand blinding volts of electricity shot through me, but I wasn't exposed long enough to be killed, meaning that my execution has been pushed back two weeks. Thanks to MFJ, my life was saved, and now I get an extra fortnight to live in perpetual agony where I'm paralysed from the waist down, and the other inmates have to wipe my ass for me. I owe my life to them!

(5 Stars)
Orgasmic by yummymummy

Using Addman's helpful guide to dating, my current boyfriend managed to woo me with some of the incredible and sexy chat up lines he listed, and now, we have a sex swing in the yard! Thanks Addman!

(5 Stars)
Awesome by NotFort

Brilliant blog, I love it! However, we need more articles by Fort. Wooo! Go Fort! You're number one baby!

(5 Stars)
Great by xXxH4RDC0R3xXx

Dis fuckin' thing rox! Keep it tight, a'ight!

(5 Stars)
World Saving by NASAREP

Recently, a meteor named Parseus 987XB almost collided with the Earth. We sent a team of astronauts up to drill a hole into the core of it blow it up with a nuclear bomb before to hit Earth. Halfway through, the astronauts began running out of oxygen and things looked bleak. In order to keep their spirits up, we relayed extracts from Muppets For Justice to brighten up the experience for them.

Unfortunately, the guy setting the bomb laughed so hard he blew the whole thing up, crew and all, but that it only testimony to how hilarious this blog is! If it wasn't for Muppets For Justice, those astronauts could have died from lack of oxygen instead of a raging, vapourising inferno. Also, it saved the Earth from destruction, so I nominate the writers for Nobel prizes! Good going guys!

(5 Stars)
Unbelieveable by Addman's Mum

Well done honey, but please keep the language down dear.


(5 Stars)
Excellent by Mickey Rourke

Before I met the dynamic duo here, I was just living in my mansion, revelling in the revenue bought in by Sin City, but still feeling empty and shallow inside. Once I found them, I felt the shell that is me begin to fill up with passion and soul, and now not a day goes by when I don't think about them.

(1 Star)
Dire by Blogmaster07

These two are stealing the limelight from all of us other, hardworking bloggers. I hope they die in a tragic tractor incident! Also, bring back my puppy, you heartless bastards!

(5 Stars)
Brwilliant by FilmCrwitic

There's your Rweview, send the cheque through the post as soon as possible.