Monday 14 May 2012

Paranormal Post-Its

It’s tiring leading a double life.  By day I masquerade as a lowly, humble pornography dispenser at railways sidings, but this is merely a day job.  At night is where my real work can be conducted, away from the nervous eyes and closed minds of the general populace.  Little do my friends and family know that I am also a paranormal investigator.

Sure, I haven’t worked as a paranormal investigator in any official sense, but I have watched many straight to TV Sci Fi films, and have been able to guess the endings to X Files episodes with a 65% accuracy.  It’s astounding that I haven’t been able to convert this uncanny ability into any kind of monetary wealth, so much so that it could be considered paranormal in itself.  I ought to look into that.  Regardless, I thought I’d talk to you about some of the supernatural oddities that I have encountered during my investigations.

My first case started back when I was 11.  I was just an ordinary kid, eating worms and trying to figure out alternative uses for elastic bands, charting trajectory and velocity, and making mental notes in the name of science.  At school, we were all used to blackboards or chalkboards, but our school was blessed to receive a rare, exotic whiteboard.  This was gifted to us as part of a government grant for having the least decapitated pupils in our area for the academic year.  Whiteboards are just like blackboards except they are a little bit pale in comparison, and you write on them with markers instead of chalk.  Markers that mark things.  The kind that if you marked your own face with one in an attempt to look like a tiger, your mother would pour liquid soap into your eyes and scream “Why won’t it come off!?” while your dad dials for an ambulance.

Markers are for boards, not faces

 I sat in the inaugural lesson in which the whiteboard was unveiled.  A lady popped open a bottle of champagne, a brass band was teleported in, and streamers came out of my ears in celebration.  Once the fuss had calmed down, the teacher went about her usual business of teaching us how to breathe, or something equally unimportant.  Just as the class was nodding off, the teacher nonchalantly picked up a scraggy cloth, and wiped the letters away.  They just disappeared as though they had never been there.

“What kind of devilry is this?!” I shrieked from the back of the room, leaping from my desk and knocking over three other students in my surprise.  As I went to the front of the class to conduct an investigation into this matter, I was restrained by the teacher and removed from the room.   I was never allowed to conclude my experiments, and was promptly excluded after urinating on the board during break, trying to lure the demons out with the nearest holy water substitute I had to hand.

As I grew up I came across more and more strange incidents that are unexplainable by religion, science, or a curious blend of the two that I like to call, reliance.  When I was 17, I woke up for my nightly poo only to find that the toilet seat was mysteriously warm.  No one else had sat on the toilet since I had 10 minutes previously, when I felt having a sit down wee as a treat.  So why was it warm?  Had hot ghosts been using my bathroom?  I was so frightened that I couldn’t finish and had to go back to bed unsatisfied.

A nice toilet will attract a classier sort of ghost

 More recently, I came across a set of paranormal post-it notes that would make your blood crawl and your hair boil.  Unlike ordinary post-its, these ones possess abilities that would make David Blaine eat his own shit.  Simply write something on them, as usual, then tear it off and press it flat against a wall or flat vertical surface.  Then, remove your hand, and these post-its stay in place as if by magnets!  I intend to write a 1000 page dossier on this phenomenon and present it to the Pope, asking how he could allow the production of possessed stationary.

If you have any mysteries that you’d like me to look into, please take my business card.  If you can’t reach them from wherever you are, simply write about your experiences in the comments box below.  I’ll respond to you as soon as I’ve finished molesting the invisible man who sleeps in my bed.

----------------

For more Muppety goodness, I've done a guest post over at Elton Says Things.  Go and read it, then go and read his stuff.  All of it.  Once you're done, you can probably go and read something else.

36 comments:

  1. Funny. Or should i say too scary and you deserve your own show in NBC or in Las Vegas? I am not find things in my home, should I blame it on paranormal activity?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Certainly. Any unexplainable activity can easily be linked to ghosts. I imagine that ghosts are stealing things from your home in order to make a complete, spiritual successor to your house.

      Delete
  2. I need your help. I have this milk in my refrigerator. No one has poured anything into it, but instead of being milk-like, it has somehow turned cottage cheese-like. This sort of alchemy is obviously a sign of demonic mischief. Only your intervention can prevent the spread of this devilry before it's too late and it spreads to the lunch meat and, gasp, the beer.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've had this happen before, and there is only one possible explanation. The store where you bought the milk from must a witch working in the storeroom, who is cursing dairy products. You need to go down to your local store and demand that they burn all of their backroom staff, just to be sure.

      Delete
  3. I once woke up with all the hair shaved off my body and a sore bum.

    Do you think I was a. abducted by aliens with anal probes or b. attacked by Chaetophobic poltergeist?

    You sound like an expert in this field.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nah, that'll be a visit from the Green Fairy. Whenever I go out on a Saturday and can't remember getting that tattoo, it's always the Green Fairy's fault.

      Delete
  4. Addman, I have written about such trauma myself. The first time it happened, left me in fear of my life and I could not fathom as to how it happened. You see, feeling thirsty, I went into the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea, switched on the kettle...AND IT CAME ON! "What manner of witchcraft is this", I cried. Same with the TV. I pressed a button and lo and behold! Images with little people inside a box!! Satan is surely testing me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is a truly disturbing. I am very concerned for your safety at this point, and I don't think a simple exorcism can remove the ectoplasm running through the walls of your home. I'd recommend napalming your home, just to be sure.

      Delete
  5. I'm still amazed by this ghost machine I'm using to reach you. I mean, I type words on the screen, and it's like we're talking, even though I don't know you. And you might be dead. Or I might be dead. Also, there are a lot of boobs. The Internet is a scary, paranormal place.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Indeed! Thanks to the Internet, I learned that Bruce Lee isn't dead (he faked his own death to undergo gene therapy and turn into Bigfoot), and that aliens have taken over Lapland in order to put mind control devices into Santa's toys. The Internet is indeed a portal to the other side.

      Delete
  6. Boy have I got a doozy for you. Last night, I went out on the town with a healthy sum of cash. However, that all I remember of the night. I woke up this morning, and all my money was missing, I had a mysterious headache, and my bum was very sore. I could really use your assistance. Here's a blank check.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No problem. It was obviously am abduction, but not by aliens as they don't need your money. No, you were abducted by time-travelling tax collectors. The sore bum is to trick you into thinking it's aliens, and because they needed some entertainment while they counted your money.

      Delete
  7. I think the worms you ate messed with your mind a tad..LOL...but that warm toilet does sound a tad suspicious, it might need further investigation to find Nessie is hiding down there and can magically shrink at will just to live in your toilet and spit on the seat making it all nice and warm.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That had occurred to me. However, I reckon that nessie wouldn't want to live in my toilet. I think it's more likely that my toilet has evolved into a sentient being. Crapping down its throat gives me a sense of superiority.

      Delete
  8. I do believe my fridge is haunted. It makes weird ghostly noises every morning. I'm just not sure why a ghost would want to haunt a fridge.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Do you have cottage cheese in there? Ghosts can't get enough of cottage cheese, so it may have attracted them. Throw it out.

      Delete
  9. Loved the story. My Chihuahua used to run and bark frantically on some nights, she used to scare the hell outta me doing that- mainly because they say dogs can see stuff we can't. I was about a phone call from calling in a priest for a house blessing when I found that she was seeing the shadows of a tree blowing from the outside. She kept me hiding under the blankets for many nights.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Have you considered that the tree might actually be an ent? Call a tree surgeon, if the tree screams, you've got a serious problem.

      Delete
  10. I have a job for you. Can you exorcise the demons that do not know how to drive properly? These poor, damned souls an incapable of using a turn signal, too.

    -Barb the French Bean

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm afraid not. Some mysteries of life will always remain beyond our control, until we all drive knightrider cars.

      Delete
  11. My Facebook spews out all kinds of garbage to me from people I don't like. I am fairly certain that it is possessed as well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The Zuck is certainly under the influence of the devil. I once saw him trying to enchant his own trousers.

      Delete
  12. I would like for you to explain rain clouds to me. Are they related to regular ol' clouds? Why do they cry?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They cry because they've stopped selling Wispa Gold in shops again.

      Delete
  13. I got shivers reading this! You should tell these events to the makers of the X-Files! They could make one heck of a frightening movie out of these!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Something spooky happens to me almost every night. I lie down on my back, and go to sleep. And yet when I wake up, I'm on lying my side.

    Every. Single. Time.

    It's like some entity is moving me in my sleep. Like they've made me get out of bed and used me to commit horrific crimes, or make crazy art, or experience a night of life as a mortal man - but always manage to put me back wrong.

    Can you investigate this before it gets out of control?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I reckon you've got a massive infestation of bed bugs. When you go to sleep they carry you out of bed, into your car, drive down the shops, and buy inspirational goods with your credit card. Have you noticed new lcd tvs appearing in your house? There you go.

      Delete
  15. The world is a scary place... I don't understand the stock market, Chavs, and how the X-factor remains on TV

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Those are things that can never be explained. Stephen Hawking once tried and, well, look what happened to him.

      Delete
  16. I have only had one encounter with a ghost in my entire life. It was a pretty hair raising experience. I was vacationing in Las Vegas enjoying the local faire and being entertained by a look alike convention, which happened to be in the hotel I was staying at. Upon pissing away my spending cash, I needed money. I found the nearest ATM and with drew some. I turned around and who is standing before me? The ghost of Elvis Presley! He waved nonchalantly and asked if I was through using the machine. I, of course, urinated myself which made the whole situation awkward. "Yuh peed yerself, man.", was all he uttered. Terrified, I grabbed the nearest trash receptacle and pummeled him with it. I didn't stop until the ghost of Elvis was a tattered lump of flesh, sequins and fake mutton chops. Did you know Elvis's mutton chops were fake? Me either. Oh, and get this...ghosts not only bleed a lot but, scream, yell expletives and cry when severely beaten as well. Good thing to know, should you ever encounter Elvis's spirit.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know, I don't think that was a ghost. I think you killed the real Elvis! He must have faked his own death in order to gamble in peace.

      Delete
  17. I once found the cat playing with his mate, a small mouse. I locked them in the room to stop them causing chaos all over the house. But on my return later there was no mouse. I trying to find out from the cat what might have happened but he didn't seem to know or care.

    And for some strange reason I have this image of a turnip growing in my mind (the image, not the turnip)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dreaming of turnips means that someone close to you is going to get eaten by a feline creature. Don't know the answer to your mouse question though.

      Delete
  18. That's so weird. There's definitely something paranormal afoot. I went to sleep on my back and woke up with a wet chin and a sore throat. What could possibly have happened? No sore bottom luckily but I'm now nervous about sleeping. Can you help? I have a wad of dosh (hmmm that keeps mysteriously disappearing too).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The wet chin thing sounds like a ghost has ejected a wad of ectoplasm on your face. He then probably helped himself to your savings as some sort of reward, like a ghostly gigolo.

      Delete

Leave me a nice comment or die trying.