Monday, 31 January 2011

I Love The Tennies

Bong thang, peeps! Can you remember a time when people used a keyboard and mouse to use their computer? What about an age when people weren't ironically homosexual, and some people were serious about bumming men?! That's right, we're delving into a revealing retrospective of a decade that was instrumental in shaping the society of 2046 that we know today. We're going to be studying The Tennies!

Many influential events fell into that 10 year bracket between 2010 and 2020. Who could forget the re-renaissance, the day Ray Mears finally went feral, or the man who drop kicked a prize winning poodle at Crufts? Let's have a look at some of the best bits:

The Information Age Came To An End

With the influx of social media, microblogging, and link sharing lightspeed activity, the Internet finally reached critical mass during 2013. After Betty Marshall, a stay at home 34 year old cat wrangler, signed up to her broadband package and immediately tried to upload Thundercats fan fiction, the whole grid collapsed. In what experts observed to be a "Negative Reality Inversion", many people found themselves unable to get on the Internet as it had ran out of IP addresses.

The technology companies already had a strategy in place to resolve the issue, but spent months disagreeing on how to collectively market it. Media conglomerates were clambering to rename the technology, inventing many new buzzwords and marketing speak to describe and sell it. It wasn't until December that year that they finally agreed on "Internet 2".

Domestic Hamsters Became Extinct

In a puzzling phenomenon that still baffles scientists today, the domestic hamster became extinct worldwide by 2018. Sometime during 2015, many hamster owners noticed that they weren't having babies anymore. Gaia theorists believe that Mother Nature made them all infertile as punishment for hoarding precious resources. Recent breakthroughs in scientific study suggest that hamsters used to work as a collective hivemind, and one day decided to stop having sex en masse in protest against their captivity.

Today, wild hamsters are being lured back into domesticity with extra muesli and shorter working hours.

Marmalade Was Declared Illegal For A Week

As the coalition government began to collapse in 2015, marmalade (and other deliciously orangey preserves) was banned from the shelves of many major retaillers. Prime Minister David Cameron, in what has been described as the biggest ever show of political sour grapes, created the new law in retaliation of the public disinterest he was experiencing. The law was quickly reversed after David Beckham assumed control with his de facto celebrity cabinet, which led to the thirty odd years of prosperity we've enjoyed up to this day.

Apple Establishes Own Sovereignty

After health issues in the early Tennies, Steve Jobs began to fear for his legacy. Even though he has several children to continue the bloodline, they were considered too pasty to become legitimate heirs to his empire. As a show of his financial superiority he decided to buy up the Czech Republic and establish his own state. By the end of the decade Mr Job's iOrchard program lead the world in photosynthesised electricity, thus solving global warming and the energy consumption crisis in one fell swoop. Of course, wild birds who tried to perch on them were instantly electrocuted or transformed into thunder-conducting apocalyptic birds of destruction, but this ecological disaster was worth the sacrifice.

Channel 4 Launches "Superchef"

With many of it's culinary stars leaving the network to focus on actually cooking things for a change, Channel 4 was faced with a crisis after Jamie, Gordon, Hugh, and Heston all turned down new contracts. A return of 90's cooking hedgehog Gary Rhodes in 2012 didn't fare very well, and the public turned off in swathes.

After thoroughly searching the departed dressing rooms of their recently departed chefs, Channel 4 managed to scrape together enough genetic material to create "Superchef", a hideous hybrid of cockney, swearing, poshness, and liquid nitrogen which rampaged through the Channel 4 building, freezing it's victims and laying them out extravagantly on a huge dinner plate. The beast was only thwarted when it walked past the canteen and tried to renovate it with red drapes and an exciting new menu. It is claimed that the mutant is still sealed inside the canteen, arguing with itself and fine tuning it's recipes until the end of time.

Sunday, 23 January 2011

ConspiracyNet - The Month In Review

Well, it's been a busy start to the year here at ConspiracyNet. First, we discovered that inter dimensional hermaphrodites were responsible for the Holocaust, then we interviewed the postman of the gunman behind the grassy knoll who gave him the idea in the first place, and then we baked a cake in the shape of a UFO.

Our forums have also been bustling, with plenty of you Conspiridudes and dudettes unravelling some of the biggest mysteries. That's why we've decided to put together a Best Of edition and show the world just what our fans are capable of. Please click on the images to see them full size:

Thread Title: What's your favourite type of UFO?

Thread Title: I SAW A MOUSE

Thread Title: My encounter with a ghost

Thread Title: 9/11 DID NOT EVEN HAPPEN

Thread Title: How to spot a UFO

And there you have it. If you want to sign up to ConspiracyNet, simply draw a red circle around a vague wisp of fog in a forest and send it to us.

Friday, 14 January 2011

Natural Disasters: The Public's Verdict

Floods, droughts, earthquakes, monsoons, tornadoes, fires and parsnips are just a small selection of the terrifying gifts given to us by mother nature. It seems to be increasingly common for her to throw a curveball into a community that is only just etching an existence in some barren, desolate corner of the globe by trying to drown them in the one thing they crave. But what exactly is the cause of this evil ecological meltdown? As usual, we at Muppets For Justice were too lazy to speculate, so we asked you, the public, instead! Here's a handful of the people on the planet who weren't too preoccupied with rebuilding their shattered homes due to some landslide or other, and their thoughts on extreme weather:

Gemma Driveway - Amateur Film Producer

Notice how all the bad things happen in hot places? Australia, Pakistan, Haiti and Brazil are all situated in warmer climes, so it stands to reason that the best weather is to be found in the Arctic Circle. I am in the process of packing my belongings and you'll find me and my family shuffling along an ice sheet way before Ecogheddon comes calling. I just hope there's a Tesco Metro there.

Alaister Pigeon - Barbecue Salesman

I'm so outraged that the world's governments are not doing enough to contribute to Global Warming. Mother Nature started this arms race, and now she wants to throw in the towel because she's getting a bit hot under the collar? She threw a massive blizzard at Britain a few weeks ago, which is all the ammo we really need to put up a defensive heat shield around our country and take the fight right to that motherbitch! As soon as I saw the snow, I ran outside and started spraying aerosol cans up at the ozone layer. She'll never take me alive!

Barry Shogun - Olympic Cyclist Checker

Our society needs to learn how to live greener and in harmony with nature. Our relentless destruction is causing a mass extinction on a grander scale than anything that has occurred in history, and as a result, the populations of some of the world's most iconic animals are at risk. I mean, when is the last time you saw a Centaur? Exactly! And as for unicorns, well, they've just become another statistic of creatures that are no longer able to walk the Earth.

Stuart Pourer - Beer Tester

Ooooh you poor souls, did the bad weather make you all sweaty?! Here's a newsflash son, the weather isn't getting worse, it's just that you're becoming a massive, skating nancy with arms like tagliatelle. Don't be such a pussy! Man up and shovel that 50 tonnes of dense mud away from your home's foundations, and maybe we'll talk again once your biceps come back from rehab. Honestly, I put all this whining down to modern technology, what with everyone sitting indoors on Flutter and Headbook. No one is used to the outside world any more. If this continues we'll all have the complexion of an albino running naked through a flour mill, and we'll be about as sexually attractive too.

Nicole Papa - Managing Directing Executive Operative

I heard something about rising radiation levels that were causing frogs to mutate and they were growing eyes in their throats. Can you image if that starting happening to our children? My dream of a travelling freak show would finally come to fruition! "Roll up! Come see the boy who can watch his own dinner digest"!

Brian Herbie-White - Senior Seat Dampener

Hey, I don't like dirty hippies telling me how to live my life. I'm a good guy, I go to church, I earn an honest crust, so back off, OK?! If I want to drive a gallon-a-mile freshly waxed SUV past homeless shelters, charity workers and battered women's institutions so that I can sit in a building every Sunday and listen to a guy tell me how to be more like Jesus, then that's my right as an American! I pay my taxes so I don't see any reason why I can't drive what I like and consume whatever I want. Until the day that a golden eagle shits maple syrup onto my pancakes and bacon, I don't give a shit what nature has to offer. God will protect me anyway, so I'm covered whatever happens.

Alison Packard - Paraplegic Baiter

I'm a busy woman who juggles a high-powered career and two children, so I never really gave the whole environment thing much thought. When you have so much on with being a woman and owning kids and a Blackberry that might go off at any minute, you don't tend to have time to think about the way in which you live and how it affects the planet as a whole. Besides, I'm late for Jonnie's football practice. He's so clever when it comes to kicking that ball. He can make it go anywhere he likes. And as for Janine, my little princess, I need to take her shopping so that she can get some glittery lipstick for her graduation from Infants school to Junior school.

What? Was it tested on animals? I don't know, but I'd like to find out. I guess the best way would be to try it on ugly animals first so that you know it works.

Marissa Duracell - Fisherman's Friend

I've filmed several documentaries on this subject and I can tell you, the results are quite harrowing. I don't think people take global warming seriously enough. What would you say if your home town became as hot as Ibiza? You'd be pretty pissed when shirtless Eskimos started coming over for the clubbing scene of Basingstoke, drinking warm seal blood and spending their hard-scraped grit on useless tat. What would you do if an indigenous Greenlander came over and asked you for directions in his own language? This is the reality we face unless we do something about it now!