Monday, 31 January 2011

I Love The Tennies

Bong thang, peeps! Can you remember a time when people used a keyboard and mouse to use their computer? What about an age when people weren't ironically homosexual, and some people were serious about bumming men?! That's right, we're delving into a revealing retrospective of a decade that was instrumental in shaping the society of 2046 that we know today. We're going to be studying The Tennies!

Many influential events fell into that 10 year bracket between 2010 and 2020. Who could forget the re-renaissance, the day Ray Mears finally went feral, or the man who drop kicked a prize winning poodle at Crufts? Let's have a look at some of the best bits:

The Information Age Came To An End

With the influx of social media, microblogging, and link sharing lightspeed activity, the Internet finally reached critical mass during 2013. After Betty Marshall, a stay at home 34 year old cat wrangler, signed up to her broadband package and immediately tried to upload Thundercats fan fiction, the whole grid collapsed. In what experts observed to be a "Negative Reality Inversion", many people found themselves unable to get on the Internet as it had ran out of IP addresses.

The technology companies already had a strategy in place to resolve the issue, but spent months disagreeing on how to collectively market it. Media conglomerates were clambering to rename the technology, inventing many new buzzwords and marketing speak to describe and sell it. It wasn't until December that year that they finally agreed on "Internet 2".

Domestic Hamsters Became Extinct

In a puzzling phenomenon that still baffles scientists today, the domestic hamster became extinct worldwide by 2018. Sometime during 2015, many hamster owners noticed that they weren't having babies anymore. Gaia theorists believe that Mother Nature made them all infertile as punishment for hoarding precious resources. Recent breakthroughs in scientific study suggest that hamsters used to work as a collective hivemind, and one day decided to stop having sex en masse in protest against their captivity.

Today, wild hamsters are being lured back into domesticity with extra muesli and shorter working hours.

Marmalade Was Declared Illegal For A Week

As the coalition government began to collapse in 2015, marmalade (and other deliciously orangey preserves) was banned from the shelves of many major retaillers. Prime Minister David Cameron, in what has been described as the biggest ever show of political sour grapes, created the new law in retaliation of the public disinterest he was experiencing. The law was quickly reversed after David Beckham assumed control with his de facto celebrity cabinet, which led to the thirty odd years of prosperity we've enjoyed up to this day.

Apple Establishes Own Sovereignty

After health issues in the early Tennies, Steve Jobs began to fear for his legacy. Even though he has several children to continue the bloodline, they were considered too pasty to become legitimate heirs to his empire. As a show of his financial superiority he decided to buy up the Czech Republic and establish his own state. By the end of the decade Mr Job's iOrchard program lead the world in photosynthesised electricity, thus solving global warming and the energy consumption crisis in one fell swoop. Of course, wild birds who tried to perch on them were instantly electrocuted or transformed into thunder-conducting apocalyptic birds of destruction, but this ecological disaster was worth the sacrifice.

Channel 4 Launches "Superchef"

With many of it's culinary stars leaving the network to focus on actually cooking things for a change, Channel 4 was faced with a crisis after Jamie, Gordon, Hugh, and Heston all turned down new contracts. A return of 90's cooking hedgehog Gary Rhodes in 2012 didn't fare very well, and the public turned off in swathes.

After thoroughly searching the departed dressing rooms of their recently departed chefs, Channel 4 managed to scrape together enough genetic material to create "Superchef", a hideous hybrid of cockney, swearing, poshness, and liquid nitrogen which rampaged through the Channel 4 building, freezing it's victims and laying them out extravagantly on a huge dinner plate. The beast was only thwarted when it walked past the canteen and tried to renovate it with red drapes and an exciting new menu. It is claimed that the mutant is still sealed inside the canteen, arguing with itself and fine tuning it's recipes until the end of time.

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