Friday, 29 March 2013

Tulips And Other Short Stories

As I recently mentioned in a previous post, I'm making a punt to help out some of my Blogging peers.  For too long Muppets For Justice has stood as a lonely monolith, radiating pain and chaos across the Internet with little regard for safety regulations.  The time has come to give something back to the community that I have taken so much from (including all of your weapons-grade plutonium).

In order to rectify this, I am pleased to welcome my fellow Blogger Mark from The Rambling Person, who has recently released an ebook full of entertaining delights.  The ebook consists of 8 short stories and can be yours for the minuscule price of 77p!  That's less than the price of a chocolate bar, and I guarantee it will last much longer and not make you fat.

In order to cajole you into buying his book, we have prepared a series of fresh interview questions for your eyeballs.  Please read them all:

An actual photograph of Mark

Addman:  Your book, Tulips And Other Stories, is a book of short stories including a story called Tulips.  Did the fact that it is full of stories, one of which is called Tulips, influence the name of the book?

Mark:  I was struggling for a while for a name for the book. As most people who know me know, I'm terrible with names. For me to use up every name for a kid I want I will have to have a lot of babies. On the plus side, I'm ready should I need to repopulate the Earth one day. I couldn't come up with anything and then one day it hit me like a penny dropped from the Empire State Building that the first story is called Tulips and there are other stories in the book. I could just combine the two thoughts in to one supreme title. I celebrated with a night of heavy drinking that resulted in me not remembering the day before but thankfully I had written the title down already before I got drunk.

Addman:  There's quite a bit of difference between most of the stories isn't there?

Mark:  There is a vast difference between most of the stories yes, and actually that's not too good because it makes it so hard to write a description. The one question about my book I've so far been unable to answer is the very simple one of "So, what's it about?". A lot of short story collections follow a theme and really mine doesn't. If there is one though it would be spirituality given that a lot of the stories deal with life, death, life after death, love, and loss.

Addman:  Speaking specifically about Tulips (the short story) there are some rather stark themes of loss and sadness.  Did you drawn on anything in particular for inspiration?

Mark:  I've dealt with a fair amount of loss in my time, so I hope I was able to convey the feeling quite well. I wasn't drawing on any particular inspiration for the story though. It was inspired by a picture prompt and to me the picture looked like shattered glass behind which flowers could be seen. I went from there to, well, the story. I would probably be more worried about what my mind comes up with but I'm used to it at this point, and I'm capable of writing happy sappy love stories.

Addman:  Which story are you most excited for people to read, and why?

Mark:  A Conversation With God. It's something where I do actually draw on my own thoughts and opinions about the ways in which God works. I'm not saying I'm right, I'm just're wrong. Well actually I'm just trying to provide answers to questions nobody asked and I would like people to take what I said in that story and think about it, and how they can help improve the world.

Addman:  Speaking of which, were you concerned that you might raise some controversy over Conversation With God?

Mark:  Yes I was, which is why I specifically mentioned it in the preface to try and halt the controversy before it began. On the other hand though controversy is brilliant marketing so a part of me wanted it to happen too. Although right now I've not received any death threats or hate mail so it's not working.

Addman:  Out of the 8 stories you've included, are there any that you felt constrained or had to squeeze down to fit into this short story compilation?

Mark:  To be honest for most of them I had to expand upon them further and further and keep adding to them. Some of them I couldn't do this at all and they remain really short. There was barely any cutting out, and definitely a lot of adding and expanding.

Addman:  Would you consider yourself a post-feminist-ultra-neosmapolitan-cyberbeing, or should we just call you Mark?

Mark:  I AM technically a Cyberbeing sent from the future but my name comes from the language of the future and your unevolved tongues aren't capable of pronouncing it so my designation of Mostly Automatic Reading Knave, or Mark for short, will do.

Cyberbeing comes with cat accessory

Addman:  Have you ever defeated a love rival in an arena of combat?

Mark:  Yes but the police don't know and I'd rather not incriminate myself.

Addman:  What would you say to anyone else thinking of self publishing an ebook?

Mark:  Don't as you're taking my customers dammit! Although to be serious I say go for it really. It's a lot easier than it looks (and yet a lot more difficult) and I think it's something that's worth doing if you have a story you want to tell. Getting published isn't hard these days, thanks to Kindle, it's getting sold that is. Don't expect to shoot straight to the moon, and be patient. Your time will come.

Addman:  What five words would you use to persuade people to buy your book?

Mark:  Buy my bloody book already. Seriously though? I overcame insanity for this.

Addman:  What six words would you use to persuade people to buy your book?

Mark:  Seriously, buy the bloody book already. To be serious once more...They're good stories, so buy them.

Addman:  Is your book suitable for illiterates (bearing in mind that you can write what you like about them here; they can't read it)?

Mark:  I believe it is as some Kindles come with a feature where it reads the books to you. I think they make excellent bed time stories as well as there's nothing more suitable for children than a story where children...well that would be spoiling the book but I think there are good lessons about what a child shouldn't do in there. They're also quite simple stories so I imagine they could probably be read by people who aren't very good at it, or used to help teach people to read in the first place.

Addman:  Do you have any other stories/books/scriptures/dance routines that you are working on?

Mark:  Oh God yes. Too many perhaps. I'm working (right now) on one fun little side project that gets no love, a story about a boy who dreams of becoming a pirate which I hope to turn in to a full length novel, two other short stories (one of which is halfway and one that's not started), and of course Immortal Space. That's the story I run on my blog in twice weekly instalments. When it's done it will be compiled in to a book and should hopefully be published by the end of the year.

If that hasn't persuaded you to buy it, anyone who purchases the book will get to see myself and Mark performing a sensual scarf dance, as soon as I can coax him to agree to it.  If not, you'll just have to imagine it instead.  Imagine it.  Imagine it!

Monday, 25 March 2013

We Need To Talk About Willies

Willies; we all have them, but are we getting the most from them?  Frankly, I thought my willy was nothing but a urine delivery chute until I was 16, and boy was I surprised!  I felt cheated.  I felt like I had missed out on years’ worth of willy-centric opportunities.  That’s why I embarked on my current mission; to introduce the next generation to the possibilities of willies sooner rather than later.

In order to discover the level of ignorance we’re dealing with, I invited my 8 year old nephew along to tell us everything he knows about willies.  Davey has yet to be enlightened to the wonderful world of willies, but I’m sure we can all learn a thing or two from his lecture.

Hi my name is Davey and I am in Mr Jameson’s class 4C.  I am 8 years old and I have had a willy for at least 8 years.  My friends all have willies too and say they had them from when they were born.  I don’t know what else you want to know.

Me and my friends sometimes wee on walls together.  We try and see who can get their wee the highest.  One time I managed to wee so high that I knocked a sparrow out of the air.  Then we ran away because a man was coming and we thought we’d get into trouble.  I reckon that’s the thing that willies are for. That, and making lemon snow cones for your friends.  I gave Craig Farmsworth a lemon snow cone and he yummed it up, then asked me if I had any more.  I showed him how to make them, and then he went very pale and missed a week of school.  My mum won’t let me go round to his house anymore.

John French reckons that girls don’t have willies.  I asked Stacey Smith if she had a willy, but she ran away and I don’t know what to believe.  I think she might be hiding a secret one but doesn’t want people to know.  That doesn’t matter though because I found a slippery popped balloon in the bushes outside the senior school, so I put it down Stacey’s dress.  It was really funny and she started screaming, then she ran home and told on me.  Her mother made her go to the hospital for tests.  I bet they made her do spelling tests.  If that was me I would have been sad because I don’t think you should have to do extra spelling tests because you touched a second hand balloon.  They should have given her some cake to make her feel better.

I showed my willy to Claire Duggan one time.  She said it looked like a slug.  I said it doesn't look anything like a slug, so I found a real slug to show her.  She wasn't around so I put it in her school bag and it got in her lunchbox and ate the salad on her sandwich.  Then Claire ate the sandwich and the slug was still on it.  Her mum came to school and told the headteacher on me and I had to apologise in front of the school.  I told the headteacher what she said about my willy and he said I shouldn't show anyone else, even if they ask really nicely and offer me sweets.

The year 6 kids all got a special assembly about willies and things.  My older brother was in it last year, and he said he learned a lot, but he wouldn’t tell me anything good about it.  He said that all the girls got a special present, like a little toy mouse to take home which was really unfair because the boys didn’t get any presents. The boys all had to stare at “fat cocks” for half an hour.  I hope when I’m in year 6 I’ll get a present.

One time I woke up really early because it was 5 days before my birthday and I was really excited about it.  That and I’d also had a dream about going to the toilet.  Anyway, I ran to the bathroom and my dad was coming out, only he forgot his pants and his willy was hanging out everywhere.  It was a bit brown, which is funny because mine is pink.  Do you get a brown willy when you get older?  I don’t want it to go brown because it will look like I put fake tan on it and the other kids will laugh at me.  They will think I’m from The Only Way Is Essex.

That is everything I know about willies.

As you can see, we have a lot to educate our children when it comes to willies.  Whether you have a willy or not, I hope you will join me in my campaign to get the globe talking about willies!  First, we’ll start on Church Street, then after, the entire world!

*  This post may have come into fruition through the delirium caused by this video.  Do not watch this at work or in front of loved ones, but rest assured, it’s my most watched YouTube video of all time.  Consider this an insight into my insanity:

Friday, 22 March 2013

Daemongrill 666

Thank you for becoming the proud owner of a Daemongrill666, the last name in searing decomposing animal flesh.  By purchasing a Daemongrill product, you are hereby declaring that you are fit to operate the equipment and will maintain it with the utmost care.  Daemongrill do not offer repairs or refunds on improperly maintained grills.

You’ll soon be chargrilling cow chunks all the way to oblivion and back, but before you operate a Daemongrill, here are some handy hints as to what to expect:

Firstly, you may notice that the Daemongrill doesn’t have an electrical cable or a gas connection.  You don’t have to worry about power with the Daemongrill, we’ve already taken care of that for you.  It’s a complicated process which includes vast ritual sacrifices from hundreds, if not thousands of those damned souls that society has forgotten and abandoned, so there’s nothing for you to worry about on that front.

Secondly, for optimal Daemongrill operation, please ensure that the Daemongrill is positioned away from household furniture and flammable fabrics.  Also, make sure that the Daemongrill is positioned at least 6 feet away from any other appliances.  Daemongrill666 has been known to adversely affect kettles, toasters and ovens by possessing them with the ancient spirits of Ghaza-Oul, which can, in extreme circumstances, result in extreme maiming or explosions.

Thirdly, please make sure to keep the Daemongrill clean and free from meat residue after usage.  The Daemongrill acts as a proxy for a sacrificial alter, and improper upkeep can anger the Gods.  Don’t expect to be having corn with that steak because angry Gods make for failed crop yields.

Fourthly, if you happen to burn yourself on the Daemongrill, run the burn under a cold tap for ten minutes, then consult your local Shaman about which herbal remedies can draw out the Devil’s tendrils.  If you begin to grow cloven hooves, perhaps a Witch Doctor would be of more help.

Fifthly, keep out of reach of children.  Daemongrills have been known to erase the mind of a child in order to prepare them as a vessel for when The Ancient One rises from his eternal slumber and renders the sanity of mortalkind in twain.  This can put a real crimp on a child’s day to day operation and may force them to fall behind on schoolwork if improperly checked.

Sixthly, ensure that all kitchen utensils and crockery is safely secured either in a drawer, or taped down to the dinner table.  While operating the Daemongrill, there is a teeny tiny chance that your forks and plates will begin to levitate, rise up, and attack the living, which may net you a low score on Come Dine With Me.

Seventhly, the grill will become restless if it is used to cook the same meat over and over again.  We recommend that on every fifth use, it would be a good idea to grill some exotic meat on there; the rarer the better.  Dolphin steaks are a good alternative, but salamander meat and panda nipples will certainly do the job.

Last of all, have fun!  As our satisfied customers always say, succulent steak is worth the sacrifice.

Monday, 18 March 2013

Awful Movie Moments 2

Yes!  We're back with some more horrific cinematic masterflunks.  If you haven't read part 1, then I heartily encourage you to do so right away.  Not that you need to read part 1 to enjoy this update, I just recommend that you read it anyway.

Once again, my usual tag partner Sir Chizzington of Chiz Chat is present, ready to suplex some horrendous acting and clothesline his way through Hollywood like Hulk Hogan, only with 100% fewer sex tapes.

 Batman and Robin - My Rubber Lips Are Immune To Your Charms

Addman:  "My rubber nips are immune to your palms."

Chiz:  Once again touching on euphemisms, I suppose Poison Ivy's "charm" is actually an outbreak of mouth herpes.

Addman:  Agreed. This line was written after the censors got their hands on it. The original line was "My rubber prophylactic is immune to your AIDs".

Chiz:    It could very well be syphilis as well. I hear if it is left untreated it can result in psychosis, which explains her atrocious choice in eyeliner.

Addman:    Does that apply to all makeup disasters?  Because if so, you're basically implying that the improper application of mascara is an indication that you are a syphilitic whore.

Chiz:    Well, she locked lips with an underage boy wearing a silly mask and skin-tight jumpsuit. I'm pretty sure that's a symptom of psychosis; which, in turn, is a symptom of syphilis.

Addman:     I'm sure Poison Ivy dates The Joker at some point in the Batman universe.

Addman:     "You wanna know how I got these scars? Shhh-shhh-shhh, c'mere.  I left my herpes untreated."

((Dear nerds, I've since realised that it's Harley Quinn who dates The Joker, so don't bother pointing that out))

 Gladiator - I'm Terribly Vexed


Chiz:  I'd be vexed too if my limited vocabulary only allowed me one word to express my extreme frustration.

Addman:  His voice reminds me of that little Martian guy from the old Loony Tunes cartoons. "I'm very, very cross"

Addman:     I reckon he might be channelling that little fella for his performance.

Chiz:  I suppose if that's how he chooses to Walk The Line, then that's a Sign that he is The Master. Not many people can replicate Marvin the Martian and get away with it.

Addman:  Right, before we go any further, let's clear this up once and for all. How do you pronounce Joaquin Phoenix?

Chiz:  Just pretend you're hocking a loogie and sneezing at the same time. His last name is pronounced "pee-nis" (the 'x' is silent)

Addman:  I'm glad that's settled. I've always pronounced it "Joe-A-Kin" while my friend always said it was like "Whackin'". Many tears and litres of blood have been shed over this argument.

Addman:     Either way, he doesn't sound very vexed at all. He sounds more like his electricity bill is slightly higher than he expected.

Chiz:  Or the invitation to his cousin's wedding did not allow him a guest.

Addman:  Well that's what you get for casually feeding people to lions.

Chiz:    That would be awkward if the bride was Christian.

Troy - You Sack Of Wine

Chiz:  I suppose that insult would be much less threatening today. "You box of pinot grigio!"

Addman:  I think Brad Pitt is my new favourite actor. Anyone who can deliver that insult with any kind of gusto deserves an award. Or perhaps a sack of wine.

Chiz:    He nearly makes the soldier to the side drop his guard.

Addman:     Yeah, I bet being an extra in that scene was like being a fly on the wall at a Weight Watcher's naked calendar shoot. It's hideous, but you can't help but watch the terrible rippling effect.

Addman:     Would you take offence if someone likened you to an alcoholic beverage?

Chiz:    Not necessarily. Wine makes me giddy, but compare me to a Coors beer, and I'll be terribly vexed.

Judge Dredd - I Am The Law

Addman:    "This dialogue is so snappy" "I can't tell what they're saying" "I hope the writers don't run of steam" "RWOAAARRWW!"

Chiz:    "Why did you touch me!?"

Addman:    "Because I couldn't help myself"

Chiz:    "You invaded my privacy!"

Addman:  "I am the privacy!  RWOAAARRWW!"

Chiz:    "Did you walk the dog?" "He wasn't whinning!" "He still may need to pee!" "RWOAAARW" *snatches the leash from the walk*

Addman:    I think in future I'm going to use this technique to finish arguments.

Addman:    "Have you taken the bins out?" "RWOAAARRWW!"

  Oddly enough, the women in the background has the most loose fitting clothes on the set.

Chiz:    What's the purpose of sci-fi action movies other than to objectify women?

Addman:  Who knew Judge Dredd would try and subvert gender stereotypes through it's costume design.

Addman:    However, it puts back the Bear Civil Rights movement by a few decades. "RWOAAARRWW!"

Chiz:    They were certainly Dredding on thin ice with that one.

X-Men: The Last Stand - I'm The Juggernaught, Bitch!

Addman:    This certainly isn't the worst line of dialogue we've seen, but the delivery is terrible.

Chiz:    I want to go into a fancy restaurant and yell, "Do you know who I am? I ordered sauerkraut, bitch!" Then flip the table over and charge the waitress.

Chiz:    "Don't chu know oo why em?"

Addman:    Careful there. Mocking English accents is a very sore subject for me. You are disrespecting the land of my forefathers.

Chiz:    I knew I was venturing into dangerous territory with that one.

Addman:    Vinnie Jones is considered a shaman amongst my people.

Chiz:    Here I'll mock my American accent.

Chiz:    "I'll have a hotdog, extra cheese."

Addman:    Perfect! You nailed those stupid Americans!

Addman:    Anyway, back on topic, do you think Vinnie Jones could have got a better fitting hat?  It looks like they squeezed him into a Darth Vader prototype.

Chiz:    Reminds me of Rick Moranis in Spaceballs.

Addman:    "Don' chu know ooo oi em? I'm Seymour from Little Shop Of Horrors, Bitch!"

Chiz:    His helmet kind of looks like Ellen Greene's hair from Little Shop Of Horrors!

Addman:    Hmm, I'm sensing a conspiracy of some kind here. I'm going to track the hairstyles and hats throughout Hollywood history. I suspect I'll uncover the secret identities of the Illuminati.

The Matrix: Reloaded - Know What Happened Happened

Chiz:    That sounds like something a couple would say following an awkward attempt at anal.

Addman:    "It couldn't have happened any other way, without lube"

Chiz:    "What happened, happened. If it happened any other way, the happenstance would not have happened. Ah, screw it let's watch Netflix and try to forget this ever happ... occurred."

Addman:    Can you imagine doing 50+ takes of this scene? I bet Lawrence Fishbourne always screens new scripts. If it includes the word "happened", he turns it down flat.

Chiz:    Perhaps he was so sick of the word that he used it 3 times in a sentence just to spite the director, and to return the favour, the director actually used the take.

Addman:    I bet someone sent him a script for The Happening just to watch him freak out.

Chiz:    I wonder how the scene would play out if spoken by the Architect. "Ergo, what latterly came to fruition, came to fruition. And could not have come to fruition under the duress of other such happenstance."

Addman:    I can't even wrap my head around that. I guess it would fit into the Matrix Reloaded perfectly.

Chiz:    Speaking of Matrix Reloaded, I wonder if the writer(s) were at a loss of words when it came to actually describing what the hell was going on, so they created this character with a vocabulary beyond human comprehension to try to cover the plot holes.

Addman:    Yes, but they already had a character for that purpose. I thought Keanu Reeve's constant barrage of "What?" was trying to reflect that.

Chiz:    In fact, I'm surprised Morpheus' cryptic, miniature speech didn't arouse a "What?" out of him.

Chiz:    It must have been so out of his comprehension that his brain rebooted.  His brain got the blue screen.

Addman:    Which spawned a new sequel: The Matrix Rebooted.

Chiz:    They probably consulted IT about that one.

Chiz:  We're looking for a way to generate more profit from this money pit. Have any ideas?

Chiz:    Did you try rebooting it?

Chiz:    Brilliant!

Chiz:    Going completely off topic, it kind of goes to show that Hollywood is essentially like an IT department.

Addman:    IT isn't quite as glamorous though, unless you enjoy fat hairy nerds in cocktail dresses giving acceptance speeches about Naruto.

I'm afraid that we have reached the end of our little silver screen soiree.  Now that these lessons have been learned, I fully expect all scriptwriters to learn from them, and for us to never see examples of bad writing in films ever again.  I'd like to thank Chiz for being an able, willing and nubile partner during this whole thing, and I'd like to thank you for reading.  But mainly, I'd like to thank myself and Chiz.  Bye!

Friday, 15 March 2013

My Harlem Shake Brings All The Boys To The Yard

In the beginning, there was Gangnam Style. The people enjoyed it and it was good, because it featured a foreign guy doing a silly dance. Gangnam Style became the most viewed YouTube clip of all time, but that popularity would soon decline once everyone on Earth had been exposed to it.  Once the furore had died down, a new YouTube sensation had to emerge to take its place, and at last it has arrived. Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for the Harlem Shake.

A Harlem Shake approaches!  Attack/Magic/Flee

To the uninitiated, a Harlem Shake may look like a group of escaped asylum inmates flailing their bodies to a derivative dubstep mess. However, the technical expertise of putting together a successful Harlem Shake is much higher than you'd expect. The creative director behind a Harlem Shake is responsible for managing anything from 3 to 3 million spirited individuals whilst making sure their artistic integrity is preserved. The subtle messages conveyed on screen have to be given the chance to flourish, and each person's unique story must be portrayed amongst this intricate tapestry of writhing limbs. This is not just a viral piece of nonsense; this is art in its rawest, most expressionistic form.  Also, they wear silly costumes.

In honour of this new sensation, please witness these classic examples of Harlem Shakery. I will be critiquing them, giving my own personal opinions (rather than the impersonal opinions I usually dish out), and see if I can identify any shining stars of the future that we can look out for.

First of all, the guy who falls out of the window definitely has a future career as a stuntman.  He falls straight down, but gets right back again because you're never going to keep him down when the camera is upon him.  Being a man of action who is utterly dedicated to his craft, he fights through the pain and shame to put on a spectacular performance.  For his bravery alone, I have to say that this is the best Harlem Shake video I have ever seen.

Many people who I’ve coerced into watching this video believe that these men who are tasked with the responsibility of protecting a country should have better things to do than participate in a Harlem Shake.  However, if you are one of those naysayers who believe that, you’ve obviously never heard of morale.  These brave soldiers are out there fighting the evil ones in tense gun battles, so gyrating around with Styrofoam on your arms is the best way to relieve that pressure.  Perhaps they can turn it into a victory dance when they celebrate the mass slaughter of the Taliban.

This one is very hypnotic.  I was transfixed by the guy in the storm trooper helmet wiggling around, watching his flesh squirm like he was full of live maggots. As you watch, transfixed by his underwater jiggery, suddenly, out of nowhere, BOOM, there are loads of people doing crazy shit!  I especially love the guy trapped in the sleeping bag.  His acting puts me in mind of a man who owes money to the mafia, who has been sealed in a bag and thrown in a lake to drown.  No doubt this is the emotion he is evoking for this tantalising routine.

Wait for it...wait for it...wait for it...WOAH!  Haha!  I didn’t expect that!  There was me thinking that it was going to be one guy dancing, then without warning, millions appear out of thin air!

Although the Biggest Harlem Shake is undoubtedly a masterful showcase of talent, it is difficult to focus in on anyone in particular, meaning that some of the more poignant performances are lost.  I have to admit that the guy on the 17th row back, 23rd from the left is particularly impressive.  His technique evokes memories of Sir Ian McKellen's stint with the Royal Shakespeare Company.  Regardless, it has to be said that these folks shake harder than an epileptic suffering from pre-performance nerves at a jelly surfing contest.

Portland has an extensive Harlem Shake history, stretching back to the Industrial Revolution.  This is how they’ve managed to conjure up not 1, but 33 Harlem Shakes, each better than the last.  Version 33 corrects some of the mistakes made in Version 32, namely that the alien cut-out has been altered from green to grey for the sake of accuracy, and the guy on the exercise ball’s thrusting technique has been improved considerably.  His impressive hip action is enough to make anyone watching this video instantly pregnant, even men.  I've already named my impending baby Carl Jr. as I imagine the father's name is Carl.  Carl is a great name.  I love Carl.

I was a little surprised to see this.  Frankly, I figured that the Harlem Shake was a phenomenon that was unique to humans.  Surely our canine friends lack the penchant for choreography that a Harlem Shake requires.

I was proved wrong.  These dogs can not only Harlem Shake, they put many other Harlem Shakes in the shade.  They shake so hard that they have rocked me to my core.  These puppies have reached the zenith of their craft, and I can safely say that this proves the theory of evolution in one fell swoop.

Phew, as Elvis once said to a Parkinson’s sufferer, I’m all shook up.  I hope you enjoyed all this Harlem Shaking and that you don’t want to jump in front of a slow moving tractor from the banality of it all.  After all, randomness is hilariousness, purple monkey cheese.

If anyone would like to join me next Friday for a Harlem Shake, then feel free to come along. Get on a bus, book a plane ticket, or hitch a ride on a freight train and get badgered into oral sex by a homeless man, whatever it takes to get here.  I will be showcasing some of my dancing prowess in a manner in which Nanna would be proud.  As the late and great Maroon 5 once said, I've got the moobs like Jagger.  Or words to that effect...

Monday, 11 March 2013

Marjie Myers Blog Tour

As a writer and Internet try hard, I have unfortunately found very little time to help out fellow writers.  That's why, when I heard that one of my favourite Internet writers was going to do a Blog Tour, I knew I just had to make it happen.  I have asked fellow Blogger and newly published author, Marjie Myers along for an indoctrination into the ways of Muppets For Justice.

If you haven't come across Marjie before, I encourage you to read her Blog (The Suddenly Kate Show) for more of her writings, music reviews, and general shenanigans.  She churns out stories so easily it's like exhaling for her, and as such, Marjie has written a new ebook.  I've read it and I have to say, I'm very pleased that I did.  Mainly because the rest of this post would have been really awkward, but also because it's a fantastic read.   Here's the official blurb:

This ebook consists of two short stories,

12 Days
A romantic comedy; a man, a woman, a dog, a challenge, romance, laughter, memories, love & hope.

Young 80 
A horror; a young woman, a foggy night, a race home, trapped, scared, confused, crazy, an old woman, an empty room, a lost love and hope.

Having read both short stories I can safely say they are fantastic.  12 Days (and I say this as someone who doesn't generally enjoy rom-coms) is surprisingly funny with a warm centre.  Young 80 is a tense affair, ably written and surprising.  I don't want to say much more without giving away key plot points, so I'll let Marjie do the talking.  To give you a little more information about the ebook, we did a little Q&A for your information and amusement.

An artist's rendition of Marjie Myers

Addman:  So, what's the ebook about?

Marjie Myers:  The ebook is made up of two stories, I keep referring to it as an ebook pasty, because one of the stories is savoury (horror) and the other sweet (romantic comedy) but unless you know anything about pasties you might just go huh?! But back in the 19th century a pasty was a way a miner could take a complete meal to work, one half savoury, one half sweet and all wrapped in pastry.

The first story (sweet) is called 12 Days. It is a romantic comedy about a man who wants to propose to his long term girlfriend with a big romantic gesture. He is inspired by the Christmas song ‘The twelve days of Christmas’ and decides to surprise her each day for twelve days culminating in a marriage proposal. Ryan stumbles from one day to the next as he tries to romance Sarah. It doesn’t always go to plan but his intentions are good.

The second story (savoury) is called Young 80 is a horror and is about a young woman who’s Halloween night does not go to plan. Her first mistake is to work late and it doesn’t get any better from there.

Addman:  What's an ebook?  Is it like an ewok?

Marjie Myers:  An ebook is an electronic book, so you can read it on mobile devices and any with the ebook reader software, so mobile phones, nooks, kindles, computers etc.

Addman:  How did you go about getting your ebook published?

Marjie Myers:  I am self-publishing it.  So it’s all been down to me. I never attempted the traditional route but I think that is because I am more of a control freak than I’d like to admit.

Addman:  Is it true that you once had to perform the Heimlich Manoeuvre on a choking moose?  If so, please explain the situation in full detail.

Marjie Myers:  What?! How on earth did you find out about that? I would tell you but legally I am not supposed to disclose any details. All I can say is it was an act of kindness that was completely misconstrued, I have always liked moose or is it mooses or meese?

Addman: I think meese are mice.  Anyway, What are your inspirations behind your writing?

Marjie Myers:  I’m not entirely sure! I just have these stories that I want to write, that are going on inside my head, and that I want to share. Ok, that sounds a little crazy! But I have always been fascinated with people and their motives and what drives them to act in the ways that they do and I think the many facets of humanity and understanding them inspire me.

Addman:  I know that you recently took part in the NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month, where participants have to write a 50,000 word novel in a month).  Did you write the book during this time?  Also, would you recommend it as a writing process?

Marjie Myers:  I didn’t write these stories as part of NaNoWriMo. I did participate and I succeeded in writing the very rough draft (50,000 words) novel. It is a crime mystery called Act of Love. As a writing process I would definitely recommend it. I am new to writing. I am new to putting all the stories in my head on paper and making them available. I didn’t have any preconceived ideas before Nano and it was very much an attempt by myself to see if I could write a complete story, if I could write daily and find the time and also to meet other writers in the same/similar situation.  It is surprising at how you can find those few minutes each day or an hour or two at the weekends and just write. It made me realise what is possible.  I think lots of people start stories but never finish and it’s a great way of actually finishing something. I think there is also one in June. The Twitter support from other writers for it was amazing.

Addman:  Sounds like great fun, but hard.  How did you avoid being distracted by YouTube clips of hilarious cats to concentrate on your writing?

Marjie Myers:  I actually refuse to watch YouTube clips of hilarious cats, when I say refuse, I mean I am not allowed. I have a kitten called Muse and she won’t let me. Apparently, she is the most hilarious cat in the mewniverse and I would only be disappointed watching others.

Addman:  When is the movie adaptation coming out?

Marjie Myers:  I wish!

Funnily enough or not, an earlier version of 12 days was a series on my blog which was posted over 12 days, and at the end I discussed with my readers who we would cast in the role of Ryan and Sarah if it was a movie. We all agreed it would be a great movie but couldn’t decide on Sarah. Ryan however has already been cast and will be played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt…whether he likes it or not! My first choice was James Franco but I was out voted.

The horror version…would require a lot of thought…and a great actress.

Addman:  How are you planning to celebrate the 7th Wednesday after Pentecost?

Marjie Myers:  Ok, well…probably the way I spend every 7th Wednesday after Pentecost…wondering if it is actually the 7th Wednesday after Pentecost or if that was last week or if its next week and then googling Pentecost.

Addman:  Now that you're a published author, are you ever going to stop?

Marjie Myers:  I hear cries of ‘Please stop!’ a lot...but I don’t know…this is my first published anything and maybe after this experience I will…but then again…I have a second book in the Rob Mason detective series waiting to be written and I am currently blogging a comedy mystery adventure story called Girls Best Friend which I would actually like to see in print…and then there is the sci-fi tale about a land called Isletunna and the historical saga one about…..

If this hasn't convinced you to buy the book, then Marjie is happy to give every reader a signing of her ebook with every purchase (she'll come to your house and write her name on your monitor/kindle).  Although I haven't confirmed that with her, I've now promised it and she is obligated to do so.  It's available on Amazon and is dirt cheap, which is no indication on it's qualitySimply click on this link below to buy it.

On another note, if you've missed having a regular post here today, I have collaborated with Chiz over at Chiz Chat to make fun of some horribly dressed animals.  It may satisfy and titillate you in equal measure.  Go and read it, if you're into that sort of thing.

Friday, 8 March 2013

Mother's Day

The day is almost upon us where we pay homage to the ones who birthed us.  As children, we cause nothing but pain and regret for our mothers during our formative years through teething, detentions, and tantrums.  As adults, very little changes in that respect.  Although, when we reach that state of self awareness known as maturity, it is nice to show that you appreciate the feminine half of your parentage by celebrating Mother’s Day.

This year, rather than just getting a few petrol station flowers and a card, perhaps you should think about getting a really worthwhile present.  Why not go out of your way this time and get something thoughtful, something meaningful, or something unexpected?  I’ve decided to list a few ideas, so feel free to use them.  No need to thank me.  Your satisfied postal cheques are thanks enough.

A typical, hard working mother

A String Of Garlic

When you tell your Mum that you’ve bought her some cloaves this year, there’s no chance that she’ll be disappointed or mislead.  You could always get her a Cloaves Voucher from your local supermarket, allowing her to purchase as much garlic as she could possibly imagine.

Two Bags Of Self Raising Flour

Because one bag would be far too frugal.  Your mother will appreciate being bought flours on Mother’s Day, because nothing says that you appreciate the way in which you were “raised” than some formative baking products.

A Smoked Cat

This delicacy is very simple to prepare.  Simply find a cat (preferably a neighbourhood one that no one likes), skin it, then slowly chargrill it for 24 hours until it is as black as Mitt Romney’s heart.  Once done, wring out any excess juices and bottle them.  Smells good huh?  Give your mother the bottle and watch her sample the delicious aromas of the purr fumes.

A Stripper

Don’t make the mistake of getting a male stripper, because quite frankly, no one likes to see a man in the nude.  Your mother is sure to enjoy a little bit of Candy. (P.S. always check the name of your stripper before purchase.  This pun doesn’t work if your stripper is named Chantelle or something)

50 Shades Of Gray

Because I’m sure everyone will be as pleased as punch to see their mother reading this book.  Then again, if you’ve already taken the previous idea and ordered her a stripper named Candy, this probably won’t disturb you in the slightest.

Now that we’re all a little bit wiser in the ways of mothers, I hope that you all get her something she truly deserves.  If you have any other ideas on what mothers want, please feel free to comment and make suggestions below.  In fact, I implore you to.  Not because I need ideas or anything.

Monday, 4 March 2013

Awful Movie Moments

Movies are a great source of escapism for many people.  While watching a good film, chances are  the concious realisation that you're watching characters on a screen will disappear completely.  So, when a film does something that snaps you out of that immersion, it can feel especially jarring.

Below are some awful movie lines that do just that.  For this, I enlisted the help of Chiz from ChizChat to analyse these quotes.  We dissected them, rearranged them, then dissected them again just to be thorough.   Without further ado, please enjoy these Frankensteins of the movie industry.

From Star Wars Episode III:  Killing Younglings:

Addman:  It's nice to see George Lucas try and sugar coat infanticide.

Chiz:  I hope the spy cam (or as they call it, "security hologram") was not located in the boy's locker room.

Addman:  If so, perhaps "Younglings" is actually a euphemism.

Chiz:  For sperm?

Addman:  If I have to spell it out Chiz, it's not a good euphemism.

Chiz:  The fact that Obi-Wan is attempting to stifle a chuckle definitely suggests the line is a euphemism, too.

Addman:  In fact, I think what bothers me the most about this line is that they replace perfectly functional words such as "Children" or "Kids" for something so pointless. I mean, I could add "-ling" to anything and make it sound like some kind of future babble.

Addman:  I'm taking my Dogling for a walk.

Chiz:  I was on the loo, releasing some... poolings.

Addman:  The duck eggs hatched into ... ducklinglings.

Chiz:  Perhaps Anakin was following a sex addiction recovery program which explains why his sister is so upset in discovering that he has not yet overcome his addiction.

Addman:  Aha, Anakin! I couldn't figure out what Natalie Portman was saying. I thought she was talking about her "Nana's Quim".

Chiz:  Well, they seem to be into that incest stuff so I wouldn't put it past her if that was indeed what she said.

Addman:  It's a while since I've seen the Star Wars prequels, but they're not related are they? And if so, why in a vast galaxy of billions upon billions of men, women and alien beasts, do they choose to sleep with their siblings?

Addman:  If the answer is "Because George Lucas" then I don't want to know.

Gigli:  It's Turkey Time, Gobble Gobble:

Addman:  Chiz, since you're a red blooded American, can you explain?  Is this an invitation for oral sex or thanksgiving dinner?

Chiz:  I'm pretty sure she's implying that her nether regions resemble the wattle on a turkey's neck. She's just giving Affleck fair warning. Unless, of course, that's what he's into.

Addman:  So, is she saying she has a scrotum? Scrotums look rather like a turkey's neck.

Chiz:  Or maybe she's looking to get stuffed like a turkey? Or, if you're correct, she maybe wants to do the stuffing herself.

Chiz:  Either way, I have an intense desire to see this movie now.

Addman:  Maybe she's offering to feed him like a turkey, meaning she's going to scatter grain all over the bed, then make him eat it all off of her.

Addman:  Jennifer Lopez, the first woman with an organic, corn-fed vagina.

Chiz:  All I can think of is Children of the Corn now.

X-Men:  Toad Struck By Lightning:

Chiz:  Well sometimes being struck by lightning leads to a steady flow of disability checks. In essence, she could be making his life a hell of a lot easier.

Addman:  To make sure, Wolverine leaps from the shadows and slashes his Achilles tendon, then helps him fill out his benefit forms.

Chiz:  Also, I'm assuming she's excluding herself from "everything else." What an pompous jerk.

Addman:  Things that don't come under the category of "Everything Else": Halle Berry. Toads.

Addman:  I think we've made a scientific discovery. Halle Berry is closely related to amphibians.

Chiz:    Her acting carrier must have been struck by lightning as well shortly following this scene.

Addman:  I don't know about that. Didn't you see Catwoman? That was certainly...a film...

Chiz:  Was it a film? I thought it was a documentary on mental illness awareness.

Addman:  If it was a documentary, it was about extreme fetishes. Skin tight leather and loads of cats? Sounds like a furry convention to me.

Addman:  Incidentally, so does "Turkey time, gobble gobble". Perhaps Jennifer Lopez and Halle Berry are closet furries.

Chiz:  I guess that explains her appearance in Anaconda and her tracks that frequently feature Pitbull.

Pitch Perfect:  Crystal Meth (2:18):

Chiz:  She's afraid that she'd become chemically dependent on his lips. Is that what she's implying?

Chiz:  Or is she afraid that her teeth will rot away and her hair will fall out?

Addman:  They tried to make me go to rehab, but I said "mwah, mwah, mwah"

Addman:  I just can't stand the banality of this joke. You could replace crystal meth with anything unrelated and it would still have the same impact.

Addman:  I sometimes have the feeling I could do a kickflip over the moon, but then I think, nah, better not!

Chiz:  I sometimes feel that I should go outside and socialize instead of chronically masturbating behind closed curtains, but I think, mmm, better not!

Addman:  I sometimes feel that I should try not to be a quirky stereotypical fat girl in a movie, but then I think, hmm, better not!

Chiz:  I sometimes feel as though I should accept the sexual advances of someone way out of my league, but I think, nahh, better not!

Addman:  You know when you see a trailer and you just know that all the best bits of the movie are in it? That doesn't bode well for Pitch Perfect.

Chiz:  Though, 0:37 doesn't seem half bad.

Chiz:  Although, the scene is definitely intended for those few bare collar bone enthusiasts.

Addman:  Indeed, although I went to see Hitchcock under the promise of a Scarlett Johanesson shower scene.

Addman:  Interesting fact: While filming The Island, Scarlett Johanesson was called upon to do a topless scene, but Michael Bay cut it out and since then she's announced that she will never do a nude scene.

Addman:  I think I speak for everyone when I say "Fuck you Michael Bay!"

Chiz:  That asshole probably cut it out in order to make more time for over exaggerated explosions. What a nerd.

Chiz:  Where may I, by chance, find this nude Scarlett Johanesson scene?

Addman:  It doesn't exist. You can thank Michael Bay for that.

Chiz:  I sometimes feel that I want to look at a bare chested Scarlet Johanesson, but then I think, mmm, better blame Michael Bay.

The Wicker Man:  Not The Bees:

Addman:  I don't understand why the bees don't just fly away.

Chiz:  Stop it, Nicholas Cage! You're horrendous acting is aggravating the bees!

Addman:  Is it ironic that he's called Nicholas Cage and they put him in a cage?

Chiz:  I like to think the director took that into account while shooting this scene.

Addman:  He also rubbed pollen into his eyes to make sure the bees stayed in shot.

Addman:  Although I have to say, Drone 20915 was absolutely awful. I just didn't feel his mindless rage as he stung the hell out of Nicholas Cage.

Chiz:  He probably stayed up all last night snorting pollen off the naval of a hooker.

Addman:  That would explain why his proboscis was hanging out all over the place. If I was the director, I'd have sent him home for a shower. No one comes on my set in that state!

Chiz:  I like how there's only 2 bees in the cage by the time Nicholas Cage starts screaming. I say he's jumping the gun a little bit.

Chiz:  It also seems as though he's accustomed to getting bees poured on him like a carton of orange juice.

Chiz:  "Not the bees, again!"

Addman:  It's giving him flashbacks of his work experience at the bee keeping farm. This is how they initiate the newbies.

Addman:  They also pour honey on your nads and drive you out to the bear cave deep in the woods.

Chiz:  So that explains why most bee farmers are eunuchs.

Chiz:  Also, quick note. I find it interesting that the guy applying the bees to the cage is the only one donning protective gear. He's not the only one at risk. There's a colony of people mere feet away from them.

Anyway, like cream cakes, it's possible to have too much of a good thing, and we don't want to be responsible for any health concerns.  We actually have another 5 clips worth of comedy for you, but we are the ultimate dick teasers.  Join us soon for more Awful Movie Moments.

Friday, 1 March 2013

Yahoo Answers

There are a lot of things on the Internet we take for granted.  Google, for example, has been around on the Internet as long as flaming skull GIFs and casual sexism.  Google has even managed to integrate itself into many of our browsers and is the default search engine for millions, even billions of people.  So, I find it staggering that, due to the prevalence of Google, a website such as Yahoo Answers still exists.

For those that don’t know, Yahoo Answers allows anyone to ask a question.  Other registered users will strive to answer that question over the course of the next few days, after which the asker can vote on the best answer.  It’s like using a search engine, but it takes several day/night cycles to reach a conclusion.  Regardless, many of the questions submitted are hilariously awful.  I feel no shame in posting these screen caps since these people uploaded them to a public domain anyway. 

In all honesty, I have spent many sleepless nights weeping over the existence of One Direction, but I suspect our motives are different.  In any case, I think Jodie would rather enjoy reading the Harry Styles News Wire, probably more than I did.

Nah it's fine.  When the first canines evolved, they were specifically adapted to digest copious amounts of sugar and E numbers.  He'll probably be fine.  If he stops moving for a while, that's just his way of breaking down the enzymes .

What strikes me is, by the time we've figured out the best answer it'll be too late either way.  Either the dog will survive or it will die.  The Internet waits with baited breath for the outcome.

Yes, the Greeks quote more Daft Punk songs than Albanians.

I don't understand why LFM is so keen to compare Greeks and Albanians.  Do they have a genetic rivalry that I'm not aware of?  Frankly, I'm more concerned about who would be more proficient on a balance beam, Hungarians or Eskimos.

Nice smooth tone big legs.  What a lovely sentence.  It's what I search for whenever I'm on the Internet.  Regardless, this is a little incestuous and I think we should move on...

No, because when I got out, seagulls would peck me.  However, I would wash myself in a hot spring of Marmite.  Next question!

You could swim in a lake of mayonnaise.  You won't need armbands because if you slipped under, you'd be able to eat your way back out.

This would be quite a metaphysical question if it wasn't for the waves of scientific evidence we currently have access to.

Thanks for this life-affirming tale.  Due to my expertise in this area, I predict that you'll have to take a dump the size of a monster truck over the next day or two.

We like to have it off with members of the same sex,
We're an exclusive club but don't compare us to sects,
Shimmy shimmy ya, shimmy yo, shimmy yay,
Gimme the mic to me because I'm proud to be gay,

No skiddies?  Thank God for that, I was worried for a second!

Now that I've dipped my toe into the murky puddle of stupidity, I feel the sudden urge to shower, vigorously.  Until next time!