Daemongrill 666

Thank you for becoming the proud owner of a Daemongrill666, the last name in searing decomposing animal flesh.  By purchasing a Daemongrill product, you are hereby declaring that you are fit to operate the equipment and will maintain it with the utmost care.  Daemongrill do not offer repairs or refunds on improperly maintained grills.

You’ll soon be chargrilling cow chunks all the way to oblivion and back, but before you operate a Daemongrill, here are some handy hints as to what to expect:

Firstly, you may notice that the Daemongrill doesn’t have an electrical cable or a gas connection.  You don’t have to worry about power with the Daemongrill, we’ve already taken care of that for you.  It’s a complicated process which includes vast ritual sacrifices from hundreds, if not thousands of those damned souls that society has forgotten and abandoned, so there’s nothing for you to worry about on that front.

Secondly, for optimal Daemongrill operation, please ensure that the Daemongrill is positioned away from household furniture and flammable fabrics.  Also, make sure that the Daemongrill is positioned at least 6 feet away from any other appliances.  Daemongrill666 has been known to adversely affect kettles, toasters and ovens by possessing them with the ancient spirits of Ghaza-Oul, which can, in extreme circumstances, result in extreme maiming or explosions.

Thirdly, please make sure to keep the Daemongrill clean and free from meat residue after usage.  The Daemongrill acts as a proxy for a sacrificial alter, and improper upkeep can anger the Gods.  Don’t expect to be having corn with that steak because angry Gods make for failed crop yields.

Fourthly, if you happen to burn yourself on the Daemongrill, run the burn under a cold tap for ten minutes, then consult your local Shaman about which herbal remedies can draw out the Devil’s tendrils.  If you begin to grow cloven hooves, perhaps a Witch Doctor would be of more help.

Fifthly, keep out of reach of children.  Daemongrills have been known to erase the mind of a child in order to prepare them as a vessel for when The Ancient One rises from his eternal slumber and renders the sanity of mortalkind in twain.  This can put a real crimp on a child’s day to day operation and may force them to fall behind on schoolwork if improperly checked.

Sixthly, ensure that all kitchen utensils and crockery is safely secured either in a drawer, or taped down to the dinner table.  While operating the Daemongrill, there is a teeny tiny chance that your forks and plates will begin to levitate, rise up, and attack the living, which may net you a low score on Come Dine With Me.

Seventhly, the grill will become restless if it is used to cook the same meat over and over again.  We recommend that on every fifth use, it would be a good idea to grill some exotic meat on there; the rarer the better.  Dolphin steaks are a good alternative, but salamander meat and panda nipples will certainly do the job.

Last of all, have fun!  As our satisfied customers always say, succulent steak is worth the sacrifice.

FLASH! Saviour of the universe!

My love for bandwagons started from early age.  At the tender age of five I was first introduced to the chocolatey delights of a Wagon Wheel, and since then, I swiftly developed a fondness for wagons of all types.  Station wagons, paddy wagons, and of course, bandwagons.

So when I saw Mark's impressive attempt at a Flash Fiction contest, I knew I had to jump right in and give it a try.  The folks over at The Lascaux Review are offering cold hard cash if you submit a short story that's  awesome enough.  You can read and comment on other submissions here.  The rules state that your story must be less than 250 words, and must use this picture for inspiration:

Pretty abstract huh?  When I saw the picture, it reminded me of a cracked fish tank.  This was the main inspiration behind my entry, Poseidon's Pet Products.  I hope you enjoy:

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I pushed aside the door and eagerly scouted around the pet emporium.  My aquarium was beginning to resemble a keynote speech at a sandpaper convention; bland, bare and a little lifeless.  It was my hope that I would discover some fabulous piscine delights in this newly established store. 

As I fondled a rather fetching blue tang, the owner approached me with his trident drawn.  He prodded the middle prong into my side with malicious intent. 

“Oi!  No touching the merchandise!” 

I dropped the fish and turned to face my assailant.  I was suitably surprised to be confronted by Poseidon, king of the sea. 

“Poseidon?  What are you doing here?” Seemed to be the most pertinent question I could ask.

Poseidon sighed and slumped down on a shipping palette.  He gazed into the distance and sunk deeper into his own thoughts.  Perhaps he was reminiscing about Atlantis, his holiday home. 

“Hey Poseidon!  Wake up!” 

The elderly God snapped out of his funk at my exclamation. “I have no choice.  Since people stopped praying to us, the Gods have lost their powers.  We’re forced to walk amongst mortals and take up normal lives.  Why, the other week I saw Zeus at Carpet Warehouse.”

“Why don’t you go back?”

“I can never go back until people believe in me again!” Snapped the ferocious demi-god as he turned his back to me in anger.

“But...I believe in you.”

And that, my friends, is how I got 20% off my new aquarium.  Result!

N – Norse Gods

So, which is your favourite set of Gods?  Do you prefer your Roman Gods of pizza and poor foundations?  Or maybe you prefer the Greeks idea of Gods for loincloths and the sea?  Perhaps you prefer the animal-headed insanity of the Egyptian Gods?  Well, I’m here to argue in favour of the Norse.

Norse paganism is stocked to the gills with Gods and Godesses, many of whom had sex with each other and were capable of despicable acts of cruelty.  Allow me to present my favourites, in the form of a top five list.

5)  Frigg

Frigg makes the list mainly due to her name.  Despite being a slang term for female masturbation, Frigg is pretty cool.  Fridays are named after her, which as we know, is the best day of the week. 

Frigg is the wife of Odin and the mother of Baldr.  Being the badass mother that she is, she instilled Baldr with the gift of invulnerability, which he promptly abused by inviting people to try and kill him.  Annoyed that her son was taking this for granted, she told Loki of his one weakness, allowing him to kill Baldr.  Friggin’ hell!

4)  Thor

We’re all aware of Thor, the hammer-wielding maniac of Asgard.  Often seen laying the smackdown on people with lightning bolts, Thor has been popular since the Roman era, but the endearing hammer symbol has endured through the ages.  He’s even had his own starring role in a blockbuster movie, the first appearance of a God on the silver screen since Bruce Almighty.

Unfortunately, after some rudimentary research, it turns out that Thor is a massive racist.  The swastika symbol is often attributed to Thor’s strength, and has been seen since the 9^th century.  Not cool Thor, not cool.

3)  Baldr

Baldr was Odin’s son, who is primarily known for his death.  Pretty rock and roll or what?  Baldr used to dream of his own death (probably because he was off his tits on some recreational drugs), so his mum made him immortal to try and stop his dreams from becoming a reality.  So, with Baldr’s newfound immortality, what did he do with this wonderful gift?  He became a professional stunt man for the Gods, inviting people to sling stones and spears at him all day long.  That’s pretty awesome, but the fact that he went running to mummy over a bad dream in the first place is pretty wet, and why I can’t place Baldr any higher on the list.  Plus, he has a weakness to mistletoe, meaning he probably won’t be up for any festive snuggles.

Odin!  Yay!

2)  Odin

Odin is basically the God of all Gods, the ruler of Asgard.  He fathered many little Gods (including Baldr and Thor), and is generally considered to be main inspiration behind Father Christmas.  He’s basically the world’s best father!  Also, he has a beard that could make men cream themselves with envy, winning Movember every year since it began.  Tolkien based Gandalf on Odin, so that’s enough reason to include him on the list, but there is one other who can beat Odin to the top spot...

1) Loki

The God of mischief and mayhem, Loki is the original badass.  His DNA is so awesome that he fathered a wolf and a snake, then, not content with all that, he turned himself into a mare and gave birth to an eight-legged horse!  That’s right ladies, this man knows the pain of child birth!  In fact, it’s not even child birth; it’s horse birth!

Loki is a shapeshifter with a penchant for being deliciously evil.  Turning himself into an old lady, he tricks Frigg into revealing the weakness of Baldr’s invincibility (that’s mistletoe, in case you weren’t paying attention), then constructs a spear made entirely from mistletoe, and tricks someone else into throwing it Baldr.  Now that’s a plan even Skeletor would be jealous of!

And there you have it, more than enough reasons for you to enjoy Norse mythology.  If you’re feeling pumped by all this Norsey goodness, I suggest that you use your Internet to do some further reading into the subject.  Preferably whilst playing Led Zeppelin’s Immigrant Song.

EDIT:  It has also come to my attention that some people's comments have not been appearing on here.  I can only apologise and blame Blogger for flagging them as Spam.  I'll try and keep better tabs on this in future.